To marry or not to marry that is the question.

[EnglishRose1320]

Or more I want to marry and he doesn't! We have been together for over 12 yrs now and have 2 boys, he says he wants to get married but not yet, realistically if he hasn't asked by now he never will. I know it's not something I can force and I wouldn't want to anyway, no point if he doesn't want to. My question is when this is such a big part of how I imagined my future how do I move on from it. How do I accept this different path for me. I love him and want to be completely happy with how our family is now but the idea of marriage pops back into my mind every 6 months to a year and really gets me down, I don't want it to spoil our relationship. Any advice greatly appreciated.

You are annoying me now Morris. Fine, you don't want to get married, I have no opinion on that. Why would I? But marriage is not a "rabbit hole" or a "juggernaut" for many many people. It can be a committed, mutually supportive and loving relationship and a valid choice for both men and women.

We have been married for 32 years and wouldn't change it for the world. The op shouldn't feel wrong or brainwashed for wanting the same thing.

In fairness, I think "rabbit hole" was in reference to one marriage of a friend.

Nice of Morris to come back.

Friends? :)

Maybe Bathtime, but it did read like a general problem with marriage, rather than a specific marriage.

Anyway, back to the op. What financial and legal protection do you have in place now. Sorting out some practical stuff may help you to feel like an active partner, rather than merely passively responding to his feelings on marriage.

Are you on the deeds to the house for instance? Do you have wills?

If you cheated on him, I hate to tell you but it's likely his mistrust of you will never go.

I hope you haven't done anything like sacrifice your career in this relationship because you will be absolutely screwed if you split up.

To channel Ross from Friends

"They were on a BRRRREEEEAAAAAAAKKK!!!!!"

There should be no more apologising for what a single woman did when she was started college.

Sorry, I don't mean to judge others marriages. Loads of people are very happy and fulfilled in marriage, of course. I was talking of some people I know and one in particular who made a series of choices that made no sense without the marriage 'juggernaut'.

How many people are on the relationship boards trying to extricate themselves from marriages they entered without truly facing their reasons for doing so? Loads.

I have nothing against marriage and am always delighted to attend weddings, but I wish it wasn't peddled to women as the cure/reward/prize in adult life, as I think it leads to problems for many people. Not all, but many.

I agree with all of that Morris.

As it happens I'm not sure that this op should marry this man. Someone who can hold a grudge for 10 years for something that happened when they weren't even a couple is not a man I would want to be with.

I don't know how bad this thing was, but he chose to stay and have another child. He needs to be a grown up and forgive properly and without bitterness. However he seems to be holding on to it because it's an all too convenient way of shutting the op down. Not nice.

How often do you go out with your partner OP?
Who does the majority of the childcare?
Who does the majority of the housework?
How often do you see your friends and family?
Do you own your home? Whose name is it in?
What financial provision is there for you if he dies/leaves you?

I think unless OP is the more financially secure, it's a damned shame she didn't marry him sooner. Protect yourself financially, OP, as previous posters have said. Make sure you have property and savings in your name as without marriage you are vulnerable.

I'm not so sure all the flaming is needed here.

Just my experience here, but my parents were together 25 years before they got married, my ILs were together 26 years before they got married, my DB and now DSIL were together 15/16 years before they got married. My DB actually asked my DSIL three times before she said yes. They were 30 when they got married. If he had asked everyone on here what he should have done, I'm sure you would have all said LTB as she obviously doesn't want to get married and/or be with him. It isn't all so black and white as is sometimes made out to be on here.

I do think that 29/30 is still quite young to get married, regardless of cirumstances, ie. kids. And maybe this is part of his reservation. I know that I'm probably in the minority here, but having kids doesn't give you an automatic right to be married just so you have financial security. I know women get well and truly screwed over when things go wrong if they're not married, but I for one, wouldn't get married unless it was for anything other than love and wanting to be with that person for the rest of my life.

Just qualifying my post, I know, OP, that you want to get married for love and not for the financial security, my post was in response to some of the PP in the thread.

MorrisZapp. I agree with you entirely. I'm not married and never intend to be. I do have a long term (17 yrs) partner.

We have taken steps to protect the children. Wills are in place. Our house is a common asset. Oh how I wish we had inheritance tax to worry about.

And yes our children have his surname but also with mine in there as a middle name.

If DP felt strongly about it now. Even if he felt desparate I don't think it's something I could do. Marriage is a construct of human beings and just doesn't make sense to me.

But to actually answer the question: I don't think your DP has any intention of getting married. I just don't think he's got the balls to say it so he says "not yet" instead. He needs to be clear.

offside - I think that's a valid point to raise about their age - it's tempting to think the OP and her DP are older because of their set up.

All that said, marriage is a legal contract much more than it is a declaration of love. Marriage doesn't keep love alive. It does, however, confer legal and financial duties and protections on each person in the contract. Whereas when you fall out of love, marriage has no legal basis for insisting you continue to love that person.

While I don't think people need to get married (I'm not and don't intend to either), I think where children are involved, unless other legal steps have been taken to protect the other parent in the event of death/separation, you don't really have any business having a child with that person. While you may think your obligation is to your child, not the other adult, anyone who fails to ake into account the effect that having that child has had on the other parent is somewhat guilty of selfishness IMO - good enough to have my child, raise them and forego advancing your own financial security while I further mine, but not good enough for me to want to protect you financially myself?

Granted, I am well older than the OP and didn't necessarily think like that when younger, so it's possible neither the OP or her DP have either. But it might help them to, at least so they can have an unemotional discussion about what it all means for them and the implications that has for the future.

I agree Pounding.
Women often take a huge financial hit when they have children. If my dh hadn't been willing to marry me and protect me financially, esp when I became a sahp, then I would question his love for me. Good enough to have babies with = good enough to marry imo.

Thanks for all the replies so far, just got in from work and have skim read them, will reply properly after I have sorted dinner, bath bed etc

Firesidechat, I'm agreeing with you lots on this thread but thank you for you speech in defence of marriage.

I'm not married but have come to realise it is something I would really like. Not for the wedding or because I am the financially weaker party but because I want to build a life with someone and I want it to be formalised and recognised that we've made that commitment to one another. I don't think there's anything wrong with that!

I realise now that I should have given this more thought before asking for advice, I don't think I can get fair advice without explaining everything, I am a very private person and thought it would be easier to get anonymous advice online but even online I do not feel comfortable discussing the ins and outs of things and without that I can't paint a fair and clear picture of my life. Sorry to have wasted your time, the advice so far won't be wasted but does not wholly fit my situation.