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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To marry or not to marry that is the question.

69 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 29/02/2016 19:25

Or more I want to marry and he doesn't! We have been together for over 12 yrs now and have 2 boys, he says he wants to get married but not yet, realistically if he hasn't asked by now he never will. I know it's not something I can force and I wouldn't want to anyway, no point if he doesn't want to. My question is when this is such a big part of how I imagined my future how do I move on from it. How do I accept this different path for me. I love him and want to be completely happy with how our family is now but the idea of marriage pops back into my mind every 6 months to a year and really gets me down, I don't want it to spoil our relationship. Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 01/03/2016 07:33

Attila I don't think he will ever marry me which is why I was wondering how to deal with these emotions. However we are not going to go our separate ways, we love each other and have a great life together, his resentment only shows if I mention marriage, normally he is completely accepting of me and amazing. Life time commitment isn't handed to you on a plate, you have to work hard for love everyday and make it worth while, when we were young parents at uni we didn't realise that, now we do and although we still have different outlooks on some things like marriage etc we very love each other and want to make it work. I don't want to be rude to anyone, I appreciate the time given to give me advice but this post wasn't a should I leave the bd post, it was does anyone know how to help with how I feel. Maybe no one does that's fine, sometimes just writing it down helps me.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 01/03/2016 07:36

Bathtime- hehehe I wish I was that exciting but no I have never kidnapped or murdered! I have however done something that has hurt him deeply. I think it is time he got over it and I think he slowly is getting over it, I have always been a very forgiving person though so forgive those who hurt me fairly quickly where as he remembers every injustice done to him! But that has always Beedon his character so I should expect that really.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 01/03/2016 07:37

you have to work hard for love everyday

Really?

That sounds exhausting.

Love shouldn't be hard work.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 01/03/2016 07:41

Love should involve work. Maybe I didn't phrase that well, seems I often don't explain things very well. Love shouldn't be a constant battle but equally you can't expect it to stay perfect it has to be worked at, tweaked, reviewed and improved. Loving someone is amazing but it isn't magic, like anything worth while in life you have to put effort in.

OP posts:
Unhappyexpat · 01/03/2016 07:51

The problem is that if anything g happens to one of you, the other doesn't have the full protection marriage gives you. That could be him running off with someone else or one of you dying.
Unless you're the higher earner, marriage is the best, strongest legal protection you can have.

I suggest you tell him that if he won't marry you the for the sake of the protection of yourself and the children you need to go to a solicitor and get an equivalent set of legal protections in place. Or get down the registry office which is cheaper and easier!

LineyReborn · 01/03/2016 07:52

'He remembers every injustice done to him'.

And continues the punishment for over a decade? I know you don't want to say what you did that was apparently so terrible, but I'm guessing it was actually something pretty mundane like having a fleeting relationship with someone else whilst you and your DP were separated.

You're asking how to adjust your expectations to fit in with his unreasonable attitude. I don't think that's something that's in your best interests tbh.

Unhappyexpat · 01/03/2016 07:54

Stop framing it as white dresses and love ans start telling him you need the legal protection. I have never been a big wedding fan but told dh if he wanted kids he needed to marry me.
Marriage is a financial and legal contract which protects the financially weaker party better than anything else. It shouldn't be like that, but it is.
If he's mature enough to have two kids he can deal with a bit of paperwork to protect them

CultureSucksDownWords · 01/03/2016 07:57

I don't know about the love needing effort thing, I'm not sure I agree that it is inevitable or necessary.

Anyway, he has been punishing you for a decade or so, which is a touch unreasonable if he wants to continue the relationship. I think counselling together would be a good idea, as he clearly still has issues about whatever happened in the past. In the meanwhile you could organise as much legal/financial protection for you and the children.

Cabrinha · 01/03/2016 07:59

Have you remembered him that marriage isn't forever, and if he changes his mind then that's what divorce is for?

If he was saying no, doesn't believe in it, but will draw up every legal document necessary to protect his family* then I'd say - well, you both have a right to you opinion.

But frankly the "not yet" is bollocks and a stick to keep beating you with. He needs to stop punishing you.

*no legal document is going to hell with widow's pension, and inheritance tax - and I'm sure other things too

firesidechat · 01/03/2016 08:00

Isn't it funny how this terrible thing you did is only used to beat you with when marriage is discussed. I wonder why that is? (Rhetorical question obviously).

Does he work at the relationship as hard as you appear to do? What is this hard work that you do to keep the love alive?

TheNaze73 · 01/03/2016 08:04

I think you have two options here. If you need your relationship validating (along with all the legal benefits) through marriage you suggest counselling to him or you walk. Doing nothing isn't an option though as it's clearly getting to you. Don't give him months on this as to me it sounds like he'll just string you.

firesidechat · 01/03/2016 08:06

I think it is time he got over it and I think he slowly is getting over it

Do you really think this? If 12 years isn't long enough, then an eternity won't do it either.

Ask yourself this, why am I ok to spend 12 years of his life with and have 2 children with, but not a good enough person to marry? That's what it boils down to.

BathtimeFunkster · 01/03/2016 08:07

Well if your relationship involves that much work, how is it that he hasn't worked his way past something you did ten years ago when you were not even together?

Or are you the only one doing all this "work"?

PurpleWithRed · 01/03/2016 08:12

What persuaded dh to get married sooner rather than later was sorting out power of attorney and wills - apart from the cost of these I worked out that if we were married and I died unmarried there would be an inheritance tax payment to make. If he won't get married do you have these properly sorted so you and the children are secure if one of you dies?

LineyReborn · 01/03/2016 08:14

A poster on another Relationships thread made the very good point that using something that happened in the past as a stick to beat someone with is pretty deliberate and unpleasant, precisely because the past cannot be changed.

MorrisZapp · 01/03/2016 08:14

Sorry to disagree with all these nice people but why should anyone get married because of pressure? For generations, women were under pressure to marry and be 'respectable', now we can do what we like.

But men get called all the bastards when they don't fancy what looks to all intents and purposes like a twenty grand chicken dinner.

I'm not married, I have a kid with my partner. We earn equally, and are well under the inheritance tax threshold. We have both drawn up wills, which all adults should do anyway.

The world hasn't stopped turning. Maybe if we stopped flogging marriage to women as this bedrock requirement of a valid adult life, we wouldn't have so many desperate people on the relationship board who made what turned out to be a very costly mistake.

'Marriage' isn't a thing. It's just the same guy that was your boyfriend. The legal contract doesn't turn him into anything else.

Cabrinha · 01/03/2016 08:23

MorrisZapp I'd applaud your post if the OP wanted marriage and he didn't.

But I bet you're not stringing along your wanting to get married boyfriend with "not yet".

firesidechat · 01/03/2016 08:25

Morris the op said this in her first post:

he says he wants to get married but not yet

It's not that he doesn't want to get married and the op does, it's the fact that he is stringing her along and not being honest. The only fair thing to do is to tell her that marriage will never happen and let the op deal with that.

BathtimeFunkster · 01/03/2016 08:25

I've started to think that the only risk of not getting married is that you might become incapable of passing a thread with marriage in the title without trying to make it all about yourself.

firesidechat · 01/03/2016 08:25

X post

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2016 08:35

Presumably your children have his surname also?.

I still think he is holding onto your past misdeed (and he did decide to be with you and have two children by you subsequently) as further punishment to beat you over the head with. Its interesting as well to note he only does this when the subject of marriage comes up. He has chosen inaction, you should not do the same.

I would ask him what he thinks would happen to you and his children in the event he died suddenly. At the very least protect yourself legally and as far as possible in the event of him dying early or separation.

scarlets · 01/03/2016 09:14

You're not a pair of daft kids at university any more. If he wants to be with you long-term, he needs to step up to his responsibilities, and show you some respect. "Not ready" is nonsense. So sorry you're going through this.

OTheHugeManatee · 01/03/2016 09:21

If he won't marry you (and I don't think this is going to change tbh) can you at least get him to agree you should see a solicitor and get as many of the protections acquired in marriage agreed between you as possible?

MorrisZapp · 01/03/2016 09:22

I'm sorry my post was a bit of a rant. It's something that drives me to despair, for admittedly very personal reasons. My best friend has gone down the marriage rabbit hole and watching it has been pretty depressing. I blame a) her parents for driving the marriage juggernaut and b) society at large, from rom coms to pinterest to discussion forums.

But absolutely, this thread is not about me or my views. Apologies to op.

NNalreadyinuse · 01/03/2016 09:40

Whatever you did or didn't do in the past, he decided to stay with you and have a second child with you (I'm assuming that the second child is his). He should either decide to forgive you properly or not at all. It seems like you are living a kind of half life, where it is all fine on the surface but there are fundamental cracks underneath.

Do you think he is just sicking it out with you until the kids are grown and in not getting married, he is limiting his financial liability to you?

Given that you don't want to leave him (which might be the healthier option), in your shoes I would make sure I was never a sahm, that my name was on the deeds of the house, that I had savings in my own name. I would also start to build a life that didn't revolve entirely around him - make sure you have your own friends and hobbies, so you are no longer in the position of needing him more than he needs you. And yy to getting a legal agreement drawn up to protect you if you split up. His attitude towards the drawing up of such a document will tell you a lot about how much he really loves you.

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