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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to share and maybe tmi.

59 replies

QualityStreets · 29/02/2016 17:01

Very wary of posting this as know how MN Jury can be. (Have name changed.) I think I am over reacting but want some opinions and please be gentle. DH and I don't have sex that often because I've become a bit 'out of lust' with him- been married over 30 years. He's kind and gentle man. Yesterday he felt horny when we woke up but he knew I wasn't in the mood but asked if it was ok if he masturbated beside me. I said it as ok. We tend to snuggle up while he does this and I'm ok about it. I partly joined in by swinging my legs slightly over his and he was pushing a bit against me while giving himself a hand job. He then penetrated me not a long way in (maybe 2 inches) but enough to for me to know he was inside me. I wasn't at all aroused really and we'd had no foreplay at all. I didn't ask him to stop and he kept going. I suppose I thought he would stop. Afterwards I burst into tears and told him that hadn't been the agreement. He was mortified but said that because I'd not asked him to stop, then it was ok. He also denied he knew he was inside me- thanks! (I think he thought he was just at the outside.)
I was very upset all day though not exactly showing it because I felt I'd been used. Am I being silly and is this just 'nothing' in the scheme of a long marriage?

OP posts:

ItsMyFuckingWedding · 29/02/2016 17:05

This may not be a popular opinion but if you were rubbing up against him maybe he thought that was an invitation? However you have made perfectly clear it made you uncomfortable and as such I would expect this to never happen again as he knows how you feel now and I don't think he did before.

MyBreadIsEggy · 29/02/2016 17:06

Didn't want to read and run, as you seem very upset by this - and rightly so! Just here to offer a hand hold!
I don't really have any helpful advice for you OP, but this situation is appalling. I hope some other MNetters come along with some helpful words for you x

FellOutOfBedTwice · 29/02/2016 17:07

I don't know the answer here really. You will have people saying "yes that's rape" and I guess it is but I know too that in this kind of scenerio my DH- also a gentle guy and definitely not someone who pushes his luck or has ever done anything to me that I didn't want done- may well have done what your husband did.

Can you articulate why it's upset you? I know it's not always easy and I've been in situations where even things I've consented to with ex partners have unsettled me at various points in my life.

ItsMyFuckingWedding · 29/02/2016 17:09

I should add you have every right to feel upset yes. No one can ever tell you your emotions are wrong.

Original poster

QualityStreets · 29/02/2016 17:10

Thanks.
I just want to say that this is completely and utterly out of character for him. For many years I had a health problem which meant sex was off the menu and DH was as understanding anything. He never forced the issue or made me feel guilty or whatever, because sex then would have caused me pain. So this was a one-off in that sense. He says he thought I was ok about it because I was kissing his neck. I just felt violated and as if he'd been completely selfish. I'm amazed he says he didn't know he was inside me, but I suppose as he wasn't beyond the 'tighter bit' just inside, then that's feasible.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 29/02/2016 17:11

You're not being silly and it's not nothing. He should have asked you if it was ok to penetrate you before doing so. It is concerning that he made excuses after you were clearly upset and told him how you felt.

It's difficult to advise without knowing the bigger picture, though. Has he ever done anything you've felt uncomfortable about before? Sexual or otherwise? How is your relationship outside the bedroom?

I suspect you might get advice on the assumption that this was a one-off, but I doubt that something like this would be completely out of the blue.

He has crossed a line and if he won't admit it or apologise for it, the relationship is in serious trouble. If he will admit and apologise, you could potentially have something to work with. It depends.

Original poster

QualityStreets · 29/02/2016 17:15

I suppose Fell I am upset because at the start I said I didn't want sex. It takes me a long time to get aroused and there was no way that I was in the mood. I thought the agreement was 'no sex' though I was happy to have a cuddle while he did some DIY. He tends to come very quickly anyway, so I assumed that once he had penetrated me he'd withdraw and I'd not need to ask him to, but he didn't, then he did come quickly anyway. I know he is upset because for him I was 'willing' and I didn't say 'stop'. But I thought he'd know that what I'd said at first was how I wanted him to behave.

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Original poster

QualityStreets · 29/02/2016 17:16

Another- this is a one-off and completely out of the blue, yes. He's not aggressive or bullying or anything in or out of bed. He was almost crying too when he saw how upset I was.

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NameChange30 · 29/02/2016 17:18

Cross post, I hadn't seen yours. Given that this is out of character and you've had a health issue causing painful sex, I think it is something you can work on. I suggest going to see an experienced sex therapist so you can talk about your feelings about sex and get some advice on rediscovering your sex life in a way that you feel comfortable and safe about.

For many years I had a health condition that made PIV sex painful for me. Obviously it massively affected our sex life and my libido. We had sex therapy which I am sure saved our relationship (no exaggeration). Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it.

NewChristian · 29/02/2016 17:19

The fact you are so upset is key - you said you didn't want sex and he should have asked you before entering you. End of.

Wombatinabathhat · 29/02/2016 17:20

I'm sorry you feel bad about what happened but I think your dh may have thought you'd changed your mind. You were kissing him and pushing against him and didn't say no or stop when he entered you.
I certainly wouldn't expect my dh to 'ask if he could penetrate me' in these circumstances, especially not if we had been married 30 years

NameChange30 · 29/02/2016 17:22

I should add that DH has always been very careful to check that I was willing and ready for penetration before he went ahead. That has been absolutely crucial to me feeling safe and in control. I had problems with tensing up (a natural response when you anticipate pain) and had to work on relaxing. That would have been impossible if I hadn't trusted DH 100%.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 29/02/2016 17:23

He should have asked you if it was ok to penetrate you before doing so

I don't mean to sound flippant, but I have been having sex for 30 years (various partners), and at no time has any man ever said to me "Can I penetrate you now"

OP was kissing his neck and had swung her legs over his, as he masturbated and they have been married for 30 years. I presume this is a case of very mixed signals?

I do think that you need to get to the bottom of why you have fallen out of lust with your DH, and see if you can get it back?

NameChange30 · 29/02/2016 17:24

Wombat
"I certainly wouldn't expect my dh to 'ask if he could penetrate me' in these circumstances, especially not if we had been married 30 years"
But you absolutely WOULD expect him to ask if you had a history of pain during intercourse caused by a health condition!

NameChange30 · 29/02/2016 17:25

Cross post, my reply is relevant to BlueEyes as well!

OP, based on those PPs I think it's unlikely everyone is going to "get it", sadly

Wombatinabathhat · 29/02/2016 17:25

I can see that your circumstances were different AnotherEmma

Sometimesithinkimbonkers · 29/02/2016 17:25

Very mixed messages here ..... I'd not get involved if he was enjoying himself

LovePGtipsMonkey · 29/02/2016 17:25

sorry Op but why didn't you say anything when it started happening? if he was aroused he may have genuinely felt that he was just in contact with you on the outside - plus kissing him in the same time would surely seem to him like you've started to enjoy it? But yes, I'm sure he will ask next time, as he also seems genuinely upset and it was crossed wires if anything.

Wombatinabathhat · 29/02/2016 17:26

x post. As stated - in those circumstances yes

thehillshaveyes · 29/02/2016 17:26

I think maybe you gave him the wrong signals by laying next to him with your legs over his. If you really didn't want any form of sexual contact then why didn't you just get out of bed or ask him to do it elsewhere?

NameChange30 · 29/02/2016 17:26

Wombat And the OP's circumstances too:
"For many years I had a health problem which meant sex was off the menu and DH was as understanding anything. He never forced the issue or made me feel guilty or whatever, because sex then would have caused me pain."

Original poster

QualityStreets · 29/02/2016 17:28

I don't mean to sound flippant, but I have been having sex for 30 years (various partners), and at no time has any man ever said to me "Can I penetrate you now"

We weren't having sex. I'd made it clear I wasn't in the mood for sex but was happy for him to masturbate and be 'close' but not with any penetration (though of course I didn't say those words.)

There are issues - one, that I thought we had a 'deal', two that I wasn't aroused and three, I may have been cuddling up but that didn't mean I was ready or wanted penetration.

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Original poster

QualityStreets · 29/02/2016 17:29

Just to clarify- I did say I didn't want sex. I didn't use the words 'no penetration' to him but he knows that is what 'no sex' means.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 29/02/2016 17:31

You've been married for 30 years, hopefully you could instigate a chat about this to let him know how the situation has made you feel.

Original poster

QualityStreets · 29/02/2016 17:31

It's okay everyone. I didn't post expecting a load of 'rape!' replies. I wanted to get a balanced opinion on what had happened.

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