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Original poster

I need to share and maybe tmi.

59 replies

QualityStreets · 29/02/2016 17:01

Very wary of posting this as know how MN Jury can be. (Have name changed.) I think I am over reacting but want some opinions and please be gentle. DH and I don't have sex that often because I've become a bit 'out of lust' with him- been married over 30 years. He's kind and gentle man. Yesterday he felt horny when we woke up but he knew I wasn't in the mood but asked if it was ok if he masturbated beside me. I said it as ok. We tend to snuggle up while he does this and I'm ok about it. I partly joined in by swinging my legs slightly over his and he was pushing a bit against me while giving himself a hand job. He then penetrated me not a long way in (maybe 2 inches) but enough to for me to know he was inside me. I wasn't at all aroused really and we'd had no foreplay at all. I didn't ask him to stop and he kept going. I suppose I thought he would stop. Afterwards I burst into tears and told him that hadn't been the agreement. He was mortified but said that because I'd not asked him to stop, then it was ok. He also denied he knew he was inside me- thanks! (I think he thought he was just at the outside.)
I was very upset all day though not exactly showing it because I felt I'd been used. Am I being silly and is this just 'nothing' in the scheme of a long marriage?

OP posts:
Wombatinabathhat · 29/02/2016 17:32

Yes Emma but I think Quality is saying that this was some time ago. She describes her dh as a kind and gentle man, and that he was crying when he realised she was not willing. It seems that the OP gave a mixed message.
I believe that no is no and would never condone anyone having penetrative sex against the other persons wishes.

NameChange30 · 29/02/2016 17:35

I don't think saying "no sex" is a mixed message. I agree that she was "participating" in his masturbation but I do not think that implies consent for penetration when she already said she didn't want sex (which for them means PIV).

However, I'm not calling him a rapist, I think he crossed a line but as I've already said, I think it's something they can work on. As long as he apologises.

Wombatinabathhat · 29/02/2016 17:35

Quality didn't you feel able to say no or stop at the time? That seems quite concerning when you have been together for so long Thanks

pocketsaviour · 29/02/2016 17:36

OP, sorry you are so upset Flowers

Do you believe that he genuinely didn't realise he was actually inside? If you do (and I've experienced similar especially if the guy isn't that big and the angle is right so to speak, and if it's all happening under the covers) and if he is otherwise gentle and respectful and seems genuinely upset, then I would try to put this down as "he hurt me by accident" rather than "he ignored my boundaries".

I would also want to put something in place to prevent this happening again, for example he needs to keep his hand on his dick and not rely on frottage to get him off.

NameChange30 · 29/02/2016 17:37

Also the painful sex may have been "some time ago" but don't underestimate the long term impact on sex and libido - the OP said herself that she now has little/no interest in sex.

Wombatinabathhat · 29/02/2016 17:37

Tbf, the fact Quality had said 'no sex ' was not revealed in the OP. It was initially stated 'he knew I wasn't in the mood'

Anyway, I don't want to derail or cause an argument

wannaBe · 29/02/2016 17:38

I think you are giving out very mixed messages though.

This isn't a case of a man wanting sex, the woman saying no and him continuing to force the issue. You cuddled up next to him, were kissing him and were close enough to him to enable him to penetrate you seemingly almost without noticing it iyswim. IMO the most important factor here is how your h would have reacted if you'd asked him to stop. Would he have stopped if you'd said "stop"?

Original poster
QualityStreets · 29/02/2016 17:47

I agree about the mixed messages. As I said, I am happy to take all replies on the chin because I didn't come here to have DH labelled as the Bad Guy.
If I'd asked him to stop then he would have without any forcing etc at all. Absolutely. I suppose I thought he would have stopped anyway which is why I didn't speak up sooner. When we do have sex he is always very gentle. I suppose he genuinely believed that he wasn't inside me.

He did ask to talk about it yesterday and I didn't want to, other than show how I was upset, because we were about to visit friends. I told him I'd put off the chat about it because if I did talk I'd cry and then look a complete mess when we went out. My eyes were already red and puffy from when I'd sobbed in bed.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/02/2016 17:49

Sad Flowers
Do talk about it when it's a better time.
I don't think he sounds like the bad guy, IMO he made a mistake and it's fixable with good communication.

wannaBe · 29/02/2016 17:56

Tbh I'm not sure he made a mistake though but I do think it's important to talk about it.

Imagine from the other side that a man asks his wife if he can masturbate next to her and she says yes. Then she starts to join in by cuddling up next to him, draping herself over him, kissing his neck and allowing him to penetrate her. Bearing in mind you have to be pretty close for all that to happen. And then afterwards she cries and says she feels used and that this wasn't what she wanted. How is he supposed to feel when he's just had sex with his seemingly willing partner only for her to then get upset and suggest that he should have stopped without her having to say stop....?

If my DP ever thought he'd done something against my will he would be absolutely devastated. But even more so he would be upset if he thought I couldn't just ask him to stop. OP what's that about? Why after 30 years do you not have the kind of communication which means you can tell him what you want/don't want?

bigbuttons · 29/02/2016 18:01

why didn't you tell him top stop?

Drew64 · 29/02/2016 18:02

"Honey, your a bit close can you roll over"

Sorted!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 29/02/2016 18:05

Flowers It does sound like a communication breakdown albeit a very upsetting one for you both. He obviously thought by your actions that you had changed your mind and were participating happily, whilst you thought he would stop because you had said you didn't want to have sex. I think what is key is that you know if you had told him to stop then he would have done so.

Even though this happened through confusion and with someone you love and respect (and who feels the same about you), it's entirely valid for you to feel upset about it. You can acknowledge those feelings without having to apportion blame.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 29/02/2016 18:10

I think there are some underlying issues here. I can't imagine what they are. But there's something a bit off.

You have been with this man for 30 years, so, in the context of a loving marriage, it doesn't make sense to me, that him slightly penetrating you, would make you so upset, that you can't stop sobbing in your bed. I just don't understand this. And I'm trying to, really I am.

There has to be more to this, surely.

I can remember relationships with boys, when I was around 18. There was lots of checking that I was ok, before moving to "next base"

In my marriage, absolutely not, because we both get carried away with the passion of the moment. And we are both grown adults.

Something has happened, to make you feel so low and vulnerable - what could it be? I am absolutely sure, that you do feel this way, and your feelings are real, but why?

NameChange30 · 29/02/2016 18:22

BlueEyes it's all there in the OP's posts, I have even quoted the part which I think is particularly relevant in revealing an underlying issue.

moopymoodle · 29/02/2016 18:33

I agree with Wannabe. As upset as the OP is, this just sounds like a break down in communication.

lostinmiddlemarch · 29/02/2016 18:46

I can see how he got the wrong end of the stick. But can also see why you are feeling dreadful Flowers. I think poor communication is to blame.

I feel a little bit sorry for him too though.

Morasssassafras · 29/02/2016 19:00

You have every right to feel the way you do.

I do think that a misunderstanding was possible and quite plausible from your behaviour and believe that he would have stopped if he'd realised how you felt (from what you've said about him) but that in no way negates the way you feel, or makes you responsible for it. People can't tell you how to feel.

You said he was upset when you told him and wants to have a conversation about it so I don't think that long term this will necessarily have an impact on your marriage if he acknowledges how you felt and you agree a way to make sure that never happens again.

I'm sorry this happened to you op.

BolshierAryaStark · 29/02/2016 19:49

You need to have the conversation. I do think you gave out very mixed messages so perhaps look at your own boundaries as well as DH's.

DharmaLlama · 29/02/2016 20:04

I'm sympathetic to your upset, but I don't quite understand what happened from your description. Without being too indelicate, it's not particularly easy to 'just slip in'/penetrate someone who is both unaroused and not correctly positioned, and would require manual intervention. If you were 'lined up' as it were, then I can understand how it happened.

He sounds very upset. What do you want him to do, or what do you want the outcome to be?

iyamehooru · 29/02/2016 21:51

None of us are mind readers, men or women. What's ok now, may not be in five mins. Communicate.

Owllady · 29/02/2016 21:58

I think you both need to go and get some counselling as Emma suggests. It sounds very difficult for both of you

Osirus · 29/02/2016 22:04

"I'm sorry you feel bad about what happened but I think your dh may have thought you'd changed your mind. You were kissing him and pushing against him and didn't say no or stop when he entered you.
I certainly wouldn't expect my dh to 'ask if he could penetrate me' in these circumstances, especially not if we had been married 30 years."

Totally agree with this. Perhaps you needed to have asked him not to when he actually penetrated rather than tell him you didn't like it afterwards. I can see why he would be so upset. By the sounds of it the messages were a bit mixed and he probably thought you'd changed your mind.

Storminateapot · 29/02/2016 23:02

You both made assumptions about the situation - neither of you was 'wrong' you just need to be more explicit in exactly what you do/do not want.

Personally I would never expect my DH to ask permission to penetrate me in an intimate situation - in the context of a long and loving relationship I'm surprised anyone thinks that should happen.

Don't be too hard on him, he can't read your mind. If your relationship is otherwise good & respectful then I think you've over-reacted a little bit & maybe need to look at why you feel so distraught.

ladylambkin · 29/02/2016 23:21

Sex isn't just about penetration. From what you describe you were both having Sex (you were kissing his neck and put your leg over him to feel closer?) I think for the two of your sakes that some counselling/therapy would be good as this doesn't seem nice for either of you