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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to share and maybe tmi.

59 replies

QualityStreets · 29/02/2016 17:01

Very wary of posting this as know how MN Jury can be. (Have name changed.) I think I am over reacting but want some opinions and please be gentle. DH and I don't have sex that often because I've become a bit 'out of lust' with him- been married over 30 years. He's kind and gentle man. Yesterday he felt horny when we woke up but he knew I wasn't in the mood but asked if it was ok if he masturbated beside me. I said it as ok. We tend to snuggle up while he does this and I'm ok about it. I partly joined in by swinging my legs slightly over his and he was pushing a bit against me while giving himself a hand job. He then penetrated me not a long way in (maybe 2 inches) but enough to for me to know he was inside me. I wasn't at all aroused really and we'd had no foreplay at all. I didn't ask him to stop and he kept going. I suppose I thought he would stop. Afterwards I burst into tears and told him that hadn't been the agreement. He was mortified but said that because I'd not asked him to stop, then it was ok. He also denied he knew he was inside me- thanks! (I think he thought he was just at the outside.)
I was very upset all day though not exactly showing it because I felt I'd been used. Am I being silly and is this just 'nothing' in the scheme of a long marriage?

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 29/02/2016 23:33

I agree with Ladylamkin.

You WERE having consensual sex even though you thought you had 2inches of PIV off the list of 'acceptable'. A firm "No' or "Don't" would have been clear signal to your partner but you chose to not verbalise either.

You engaged in the sexual activity and ratchet it up with legs and kissing. This is NOT rape - it is your mixed messages that need to be addressed.

PlaymobilPirate · 29/02/2016 23:56

I agree with sadwidow - if I were lined up, legs over, knickers off (huge presumption op, sorry if I'm wrong) then dp would go ahead without thinking to ask. Sounds like a communication mess up than anything sinister.

readyforno2 · 29/02/2016 23:59

I'm sorry you feel this way op, but I also have to agree with sad.
You need to have a conversation with dh, from the sounds of it he is just as upset as you.

LadyB49 · 01/03/2016 01:54

I agree that it sounds like mixed messages. If I wasn't it the mood I'd just have given him a hand job.

Marilynsbigsister · 01/03/2016 06:33

I feel really sorry for your DH OP. Do his feelings not matter here ? He asked you if you minded if he masturbated next to you. You agreed. You put your legs over him, you were kissing his neck. The neck kissing in itself is a pretty huge non-verbal sign of pleasure. He then starts to penetrate you. The response of someone who doesn't want to be engaged in this sexual activity, is to move your legs to stop the piv, not to continue kissing his neck ! He obviously thinks you are turned on because that is the signal you have given. - Next thing he knows, his dw of 30yrs, is sobbing and debating if she has been raped .

I don't dispute for one minute that you are upset. You wouldn't post this if you weren't, but just imagine how awful for your DH who you describe as 'loving and gentle' must feel. You being upset does not automatically mean he is to blame in anyway.

He is not telepathic and you were doing one thing and thinking/feeling another. OP, I really think you need to go and explore why you have behaved and reacted like this. Your DH really isn't to blame.

PlaymobilPirate · 01/03/2016 17:40

Very well articulated Marilyn op I hope that you and your dh have managed to chat about this.

Jan45 · 01/03/2016 18:05

I think there is fault on both sides - him for entering you when you clearly had no foreplay whatsoever and had intimated you didn't want sex - perhaps he just got carried away in the heat of the moment - and yes I'd feel used in this situation.

If you really don't want any intimacy with him then don't give him any encouragement by seemingly joining in.

But you are allowed to feel taken advantage of, I think he did.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 01/03/2016 20:18

If you really don't want any intimacy with him then don't give him any encouragement by seemingly joining in.

Agreed.

And, if you never want intimacy, perhaps think about letting him go.

FenellaFieldmouse · 01/03/2016 20:30

It sounds to me as if you really need to talk through your reaction. Sobbing is quite an extreme reaction I think. Is it possible that the lack of piv sex in your relationship has saddened you more than you realise? On another tack, perhaps your hormones are raging and contributed to the emotion you felt afterwards.

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