husband nice-but-useless, me losing grip

[MmeTwat]

I need to unpick this. I'm writing it down so I can see if things become clearer

(I know it is loooong. And dull. I don't really expect anyone to read it tbh)

1. husband is nice. He is funny, and (sort of) kind. He doesn't drink, he's not abusive, he's not emotionally abusive but

1. husband is pretty useless. He can't or won't support in a crisis, and he causes 9by omission) thousands of little crises himself

he works, I'm a sahm. He is good at his job, though not all that invested in it iykwim. I'm sort of good at being a sahm (3 biggish kids, house in state of disrepair, I'm supposed to be fixing it, so plenty for me to do)

it's just as a dad, and domestically, he's pretty lazy. Apparently once I described us as 'you go to work and drive everyone about, and I do everything else' which I can't remember but it sounds about right

all the caring, cooking, cleaning, outings, holidays, organising, discipline etc etc are done by me, I don't mind- of course I don't- but at weekends I expect him to at least have some input. He won't so much as tell a dc to hang their coat up, or that it's bedtime

(he has always been like this from when the kids were tiny)

as a result, I am the Bossy One. He is the Nice One

if I give him anything to do, he will fuck it up. Normally a combination of not listening to really carefully (and tactfully given) instructions, and not really giving a shit. Which is a nuisance, and causes me extra work. Plus it's not just annoying bog standard useless- some of it is dangerous. I get progressively more angry at this sort of thing. So I am the Angry One, he is the Helpless One

I feel sometimes like the whole weight of the family is on me, and the whole weight of the house

I don't like what I have become

I hate the sound of my own voice

I want him to help me- the kids are of an age now when they're getting quite challenging. He doesn't. He says he will, but then he doesn't

I wonder if I should leave him. We have been together for years. I don't think you should break up your family over what sound like trivial things but add up to a whole ton of crap falling on one person. But then I don't think you should necessarily stay together because you're materially comfortable, when you're unhappy? and progressively (now) more and more angry?

I keep telling myself it will get better when the dcs leave home, we're fine on our own. But that will take years. Should I just suck it up till then?

You can't and won't change him. He has to want to change. And change himself. You can't change him.

You can make changes yourself though. To yourself and for yourself.

I see you've written off the whole world of work with "I'm unemployable". Why's that? If you're fit and well enough to fix up a house with your labour, you can get a job surely? I honestly believe it would change your perspective completely.

Have you rtft bitout

I see the 'just get a job' thing on here quite a lot, and its not always helpful. It's very black and white doesn't allow for grey. And it puts blame squarely in the not working person's court

I have managed to do a lot of work on the house because I have toilet access. I didn't really want to spell it out but ibd in my case means diarrhoea sometimes up to 8 times a day. 5 is average. 3 is a good day

I dont commute, of course I do have to go out to get stuff. I try to time this as best as poss. But the shame and embarrassment of this illness is not easy and I do the best I can with it, causing as little upset to dcs as poss

If you can think of an employer who would take inexperienced middle aged woman with dodgy bowels tho anyone do dm me!

I'm trying to get my meds adjusted. That would give me many more options!

Oh OP I do apologise. I thought I'd read all your posts but I completely missed the one about working. I am sorry

I feel doubly bad because it cornered you into saying stuff you didn't want to.

Please accept my apologies

I'm not blaming you at all. What I was trying to say is that you cannot change him. You can only change your own circumstances / reactions / self. Not him. That's not blaming you at all. It's saying that his continuing crapness is not your responsibility or fault.

And FWIW I would employ a middle aged woman (regardless of the state of her bowels!) is she had nous and wanted to work. Don't write it off all together.

Once again, apologies for my naff stumbling in unannounced!

I feel your pain, OP. My DH can be like this. Luckily after me throwing some very serious tantrums and threatening to leave, he seems to be slowly starting to take more responsibilities in terms of chores. (We're also doing Marie Kondo so simpliying our possessions should help keep the house in order without so much effort required from either of us.)

I still feel like the 'manager' though. It's tiring after a while being in charge of everyone's wellbeing, making sure the family spends quality time together, eating well, sleeping enough, socialising enough etc. It's little things like planning out nutritious meals for the kids, I doubt it ever crosses DHs mind whether DS eats a balanced diet or not but there I am worrying if he's having too much sugar or not enough protein. I know for a fact when our toddler starts school it'll end up being me that does all the legwork, from organising a school place, to keeping track of school events and making sure homework is done etc. If it was left up to DH we'd do sod all every weekend too.

It's a toughie because it's not just black and white. People on here say "just leave him" and that's fair enough but if you have even a small amount of love left for someone, and when you have DCs too, it's heartbreaking to consider. Personally I've weighed it up and decided leaving DH would overall bring me more unhappiness - although sometimes we have a bad day and I find myself Googling "how to get a divorce" every 5 minutes. I know we shouldn't lower our standards for their sake but I do feel that upbringing has a lot to do with it and I'm determined not to let our DS grow up this way. He's not even 2 yet but I am keen for him to learn how to make decisions and do jobs around the house.

Sorry no real practical advice... Just chipping in with your rant I suppose!

I once read the line "“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. I think that sums up quite well how a relationship should make you feel. One that leaves you feeling like you don't recognise yourself or even dislike yourself, is an unhealthy one that can't be allowed to continue in its current form. You'll end up bitter otherwise.

You've tried talking to him. It's fallen on deaf ears. Talking isn't working. You need consequences. I don't know what those could be, only you know what will (a) get his attention, and (b) how far you're prepared to go to do that.

What he needs to understand and be made to admit he understands is that every time you ask for help and he is unwilling to offer it, he is saying
"fuck you Mme. I'm too important and you should do it because you're less important than me." Couched like that, it should make him realise how much of a twat he's being and make you get angry at him rather than frustrated with yourself/the situation.

Good luck.

OP just to say, your IBD would be classed as a disability, given that it's a permanent condition which affects your everyday life.

This would mean that it's a protected characteristic and that employers would have a duty in law not to discriminate against you on that basis, provided they could make reasonable adjustments to a role or duties to be able to accommodate your needs.

For example, in retail, this would probably mean you wouldn't be working the tills since you might need to make a quick dash. However there wouldn't be anything to stop you working in the stockroom, offices, stacking shelves, etc.

If you are interested in retail then I'd suggest applying to large companies who are more likely to have positive inclusion policies and a robust risk assessment process. I have heard good things about M&S in terms of their support for employees with disabilities (no personal experience though.)

This is more information at ACAS:
www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1859

I know this is far outside of the scope of your OP but wanted to make you aware that you do have protections under law.

sorrry I was snappy Bit

it wasn't you, it was me!

I do feel guilty about not working. Every time I'm fuming at DH, there's a voice at the back of my mind saying 'yes, he brings in the money, though, you don't' -DH has never ever said anything like this, it's all me

so I feel angry/badly done to AND guilty which isn't a great combination

I do feel that society only values paid work these days. And I don't tell people about my health probs. So I'm sure a lot of folk think ooh look at Mme Twat with her feet on a cushion all day. So I'm overly touchy about it.

I said I had a lot to unpick, didn't I

snozzberry everything you say chimes with me

do get it fixed quick at this early stage- it sounds like you are- don't end up like me ten years down the line with the problems entrenched!

I'm determined not to let our DS grow up this way. someone said upthread about modelling behaviour for the dcs. Kids are smart, though- mine are keen not to do as we do! (one of them in particular points this out to me regularly!)

pocketsaviour that is so useful you wouldn't believe. Thank you.

and pounding I have said waht you've said, frequently- also that him not doing stuff- or more appropriately here, doing stuff, but in a half arsed way is basically saying that he's too important to do it, and also that domestic and family life is somehow trivial

he denies this (of course he does)- but I think there's a mixture going on here of laziness (someone else will do it if I don't) incompetence and a good old splosh of good old fashioned sexism (his brother is quite similar)

there's been improvements this week- even the kids have noticed (improvements I think have been prompted by me going in the spare room- bliss)

we shall see. But at least I'm working on a plan B (C,D...)

thanks everyone again. I feel a lot better than I did on Monday when I just wanted to run away

god I've gone on. I'm off my tits on paint fumes I think

I'm kind of late to this thread OP and it sounds like you've had a lot of good advice, as well as some progress in the situation. I just wanted to say that, if he is committed to changing (HE has to want it, as someone said above, you cannot make him) there is hope.

I was where you were, minus kids, about a year ago. It all came to a head when I told DP, during a tearful blow up, that I would have to leave him for the sake of my self esteem if he did not change. He was, it turns out, actually listening. Over the last year he has gradually improved to the point where I actually feel I have an equal partner in all things domestic. I do still do more of the housework, but as he works full time and I don't, I'm fine with that as a division of labour. He no longer makes things harder for me, he volunteers to do things if he sees they need doing rather than just leaving them for me, and if I ask him to do something because I'm busy/sick/fed up I can trust it'll get done. It's not been easy, I had to help him quite a lot at the start because he simply didn't know how to do certain things (that sounds ridiculous but his parents are weird stately homes threads-types so he has a couple of enormous gaps in his life skills) and I've also had to learn to only criticise if something is actually a problem. So if he does something that's not wrong, just different from how I'd do it, I need to keep my mouth shut and let him get on with it.

You're absolutely right to push this though. He needs to step up.

Do not feel guilty, you are looking after 3 children and doing up a house in disrepair, none of that has anything to do with your OHs refusal to take part in family life and be a supportive partner.

And what is plan, B, C and D?

Until he takes the responsibility of how he has been, nothing will change.

I read a previous thread along these lines, where a poster said to her H: "Every time you leave x for me to do, I want you to say out loud 'Fuck you, you're less important than me, so you do it'. Because that's what your actions are saying". (The original poster said it better). I believe it did get through to the H in question.

Mme you weren't snippy. I was a twat!

But bloody hell don't feel guilty. That's the last thing is want you to feel. I didn't suggest you working because I wanted to make you feel bad. I suggested it because i thought it might help you feel better. That's all.

I worry that you've cornered yourself into the mind set of thinking that skivvying for your Dh is all you're good for. A myth that he's been only too lazy happy to perpetuate. But that's a million miles away from the truth. If he loved and respected you, he wouldn't behave like this. The long and the short of it is that he doesn't - well not enough to actually pull his finger out of his arse and behave like a grown up

MmeTwat, just wanted to say GOOD ON YOU, YOU ROCK! for putting up with this crap for years and then for getting a plan together and starting to feel like things might possibly get sorted out.

My DH was like yours. I stalled for years on having kids because he was like this and I had read enough Mumsnet to read the signs of what sort of parent/husband he'd be - and we had many many arguments and lots of sofa-sleeping - and I eventually left for 18 months (in a kind of mixed-signals way - we got married 6 months into that separation, make of that what you will).

Finally, 10 years into the relationship, we have got to a point where we both like each other for the other person and for whom we each are when we're together. I trust his ability to step up to the plate. We are now discovering that I perhaps can't have children, but it's good to be at the point where this gets discovered willingly and supportively. It's been a bloody long road to get here.

So to you and I really hope things will work out well, whichever direction things take. Just getting a plan and getting it rolling is a huge step in the right direction.