husband nice-but-useless, me losing grip

[MmeTwat]

I need to unpick this. I'm writing it down so I can see if things become clearer

(I know it is loooong. And dull. I don't really expect anyone to read it tbh)

1. husband is nice. He is funny, and (sort of) kind. He doesn't drink, he's not abusive, he's not emotionally abusive but

1. husband is pretty useless. He can't or won't support in a crisis, and he causes 9by omission) thousands of little crises himself

he works, I'm a sahm. He is good at his job, though not all that invested in it iykwim. I'm sort of good at being a sahm (3 biggish kids, house in state of disrepair, I'm supposed to be fixing it, so plenty for me to do)

it's just as a dad, and domestically, he's pretty lazy. Apparently once I described us as 'you go to work and drive everyone about, and I do everything else' which I can't remember but it sounds about right

all the caring, cooking, cleaning, outings, holidays, organising, discipline etc etc are done by me, I don't mind- of course I don't- but at weekends I expect him to at least have some input. He won't so much as tell a dc to hang their coat up, or that it's bedtime

(he has always been like this from when the kids were tiny)

as a result, I am the Bossy One. He is the Nice One

if I give him anything to do, he will fuck it up. Normally a combination of not listening to really carefully (and tactfully given) instructions, and not really giving a shit. Which is a nuisance, and causes me extra work. Plus it's not just annoying bog standard useless- some of it is dangerous. I get progressively more angry at this sort of thing. So I am the Angry One, he is the Helpless One

I feel sometimes like the whole weight of the family is on me, and the whole weight of the house

I don't like what I have become

I hate the sound of my own voice

I want him to help me- the kids are of an age now when they're getting quite challenging. He doesn't. He says he will, but then he doesn't

I wonder if I should leave him. We have been together for years. I don't think you should break up your family over what sound like trivial things but add up to a whole ton of crap falling on one person. But then I don't think you should necessarily stay together because you're materially comfortable, when you're unhappy? and progressively (now) more and more angry?

I keep telling myself it will get better when the dcs leave home, we're fine on our own. But that will take years. Should I just suck it up till then?

Coincidentally, someone on my Facebook has just shared this HuffPo piece:
She Feels Like Your Mom and Doesn't Want To Bang You

Why are you telling yourself you're unemployable? V unlikely to be true!

It's great that you (as a couple) own your home: if you sold it that could provide funds towards two smaller places if need be.

If you've told him and told him and nothing's changed it seems unikely he will.

I'm a SAHM and I've always done everything and done up and run my buy to let's and done all the DIY and decorating in our home too.

It's still not been equal to the hours my DH is out of the home for work. It would be unfair for him to do more. He does when I'm working long hours doing another house renovation though and tbh I don't like it as we then have less quality time as a family.

You mention you're unemployable, I'm sorry but that's an excuse. I've just qualified in a profession and have decided to set up for myself as I was last employed 14 years ago and can see myself working for anyone ever again. If I wanted to I could get entry level in that position and would make that happen.

If you wanted to go back to work you'd find a way, instead you just are making excuses.

LoveBoursin, you are right, but

• if the OP's H is that useless, then he won't be that keen to have the children all on his own for a whole weekend every other weekend (you can't force a father to do this, can you?) My guess is that he would either want to see the kids in their own home, which she would keep tidy; or it would not be every other weekend. In which case there will not be many eows she'll have to herself.
• maybe I'm wrong but the OP did not say that the mess her H made was the main issue. If you have kids, my understanding is that it usually isn't their father who makes the biggest mess... :)

Doing it all yourself is far less soul-destroying than doing it all while your lazy fuckwit OH sits and watches and positively adds to your workload IME.

What's all this 'unemployable' crap? Of course you're employable.

Get a job :)

Could you do a training course all weekends so you can go back to work and he can learn to look after his kids.

sorry am reading on phone but in and out cos this floor isn't going to prep itself

thanks for responses

I talked to DH last night, just a bit though as house in disarray and loads of stuff to move about. He thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and just need to 'forget about it'

I can't describe this properly, but he does it all in a Nice Way. I mean he really doesn't get it. I don't think he's manipulative, I just think he hasnt' got a clue

I'm 51, kids are 13-18, so as I said, big. But even tho they're out of the house for longer each day and don't need the same sort of care they did when they were little, tehy are more time consuming when they are here iykwim. There are a lot of hormones rampaging in our house. Hence I'd like the parenting to be a bot more of a two hander (I don't know how to describe his parentign with out making me completely identifiable. Here's an eg. He has been to ONE parents evening in his life)

I would call it a sort of benign neglect

re unempoyable- I'm not doing myself down or talking myself out of it, not quite anyway

I have been out of work for a long long time. I last worked in the public sector. Which was great training for being yelled at by angry teens all day

it's too late for me to go back to taht sort of work; things have moved on. Admin wise I'm totally out of date. Which leaves children and retail. I wanted to be a CM or work in a nursery, but I couldn't for health reasons (recently diagnosed- after years of things being wrong- with IBD, I've been given drugs for this but the're not working at the moment. Think 5 odd rushes to toilet every day, sometimes more, sometimes less). This would make retail difficult (though I would LOVE to do this- as a pp said, you leave it at the door. I think I would be good at it too)

anyway, back to my floor!

I could have written your post word for word, I am currently going through a divorce. My advice is to see a solicitor, it was not until I got proper legal advice was I finally able to break free.

Don't let anyone downplay or minimise what you are going through. You may be dealing with a Passive Aggressive man. Certainly, my ex'DH' was a master or manipulation in terms of deliberate helplessness. My time, my energy was constantly depleted, I was worn out, running around ragged whilst he sat around enjoying life doing as little as possible. No woman in her right mind should tolerate this; no woman in her right mind would want to have sex with a man like this.

It took me years to end the marriage. I put a LOT of things into place before I took the final jump. You will too. Stay strong.

He's a poor excuse if he won't attend parents evenings etc. I'd be looking to get the legal ball rolling.

Sorry OP x

Also forgive my armchair doctoring but bowel issues are often caused by stress. Nobody would suggest that separation will relieve this in the short term, but in years to come you might find your stress related ailments much lessened.

(Totally missing point of thread but OP re IBS, have they tested for gluten intolerance? I had cut down when they tested me so no obvious markers but GP said that she would support me in being GF and it has changed my life)

This thread makes me so sad, it's like incompetent husband thread
Why can't they see these things and express respect and love by taking on the day to day tasks that make up family life.

It is abuse, real abuse even if they are nice about it.

Maybe we should live in tribes, houses close together so we could support one another and hold tribal councils to help kids see the error of their ways

My lovely wife had to defend herself from a very odd emotional life as a child and I think she brought that to our relationship. This neglect of small things and inability to think for herself about domestic tasks nearly broke us.
In fact, I left home and went to my favourite place
She followed me there and we are now in CP but there was a shift in the balance of responsibility that day.
Hope you all manage to create safe and happy ways of living.

Oh and yes yes re the stress to MorrisZapp

mmeTwat have a look at this thread from a coupel years ago www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible

It's scary reading but if you're getting this frustrated, angry and then discouraged at this point, and he is not willing to change then 1) you haven't got a real relationship and 2) the future might look rather grim. He will only get worse unless he actually makes a -decision- to pull his own weight and be a proper Dad.

Not being able to do things even when tactfully instructed - well are you quite, quite sure that it's only incompetence? It sounds to me like he doesn't want to do it so he doesn't try to ... and that's awfully lazy. Worse than lazy, when potentially dangerous situations develop because he doesn't want to be responsible.

I think he's making a deliberate decision here and leaving you with it all because he is happy as he is. You aren't, but he doesn't care about that.

OP by any chance was one of your DH's parents an alcoholic, or have poorly-managed mental health problems?

Just musing on the similarity with a close friend whose H is similar. His mum is an alcoholic. My friend has managed to "train" her H to take slightly more responsibility for himself, but she has chosen never to have children as she knows she would be effectively a single parent.

Oh please unless he has only half a brain he knows exactly how things have been and are.

You've to STFU as you are spoiling his easy life - attended one parent's evening - what a disgrace.

Sorry OP, there's no way on earth he is going to suddenly change now, especially if kids are older - you need to decide if you are prepared to carry this man for the rest of your life with no input from him - what a sad prospect, I am sure you would be happier either on your own or with a like minded individual, you two sound the complete opposite of each other.

The parents eve thing is a total disgrace - nothing "benign" about it!

And of COURSE he's manipulative: the "nice" act and denial there's an issue has made you STFU very effectively, for years.

What a shitty model your DCs have had - you're complicit in that too.

If he's like this when he's middle aged and in good health, shudder to imagine what he'll be like in old age if unwell! And he won't take care of YOU if you need it will he! Or the DC if you're not well or not around.

What's the point of a relationship with a man like that?

On the work thing, there are lots of ways you could refresh your skills and work towards paid work, if your health allows.

I think you need an outside focus yourself (e.g. volunteering, sport, craft activity) which would take you away for a few hours one evening or at the weekend so he has to do things himself. he won't do things the way you would to them but it would teach him to do things. For you something else to focus on might help you "stop sweating the small stuff"

OP, when my marriage ended, so did my IBS. I'm convinced the underlying stress was a major factor in my symptoms, which I hadn't realised at the time.

just a quick pop in

thank you again for all your posts- I amread ing even if I don't acknowledge. Massive thumbs up for all fo you who have been through this or are going through it

you are all really helping

for ages I'd been thinking of myself as being shouty and furious ad unreasonable- I'd bought into him being the Nice One, same as everyone else

I saw something on the holiday thread- "I'd be more relaxed if you'd be less relaxed" which says it all.

a pp asked if dh had had alcoholic parents- he didn't. But he had a stereotypical Peter and Jane sortof upbringing, where dad worked very long hours and was a Very Important Local Person, and mum was in the background, doing everything for the dcs. And I mean everything. I don't know how, but she did it without compliant- unlike my own mum, who did the same thing but angrily and bitterly

the thing that scares me the most is we're turning into my parents- though not quite, as my dad can at least plan a journey using a timetable, pack a fucking car boot, change a tyre, put up a shelf and read a fucking map!

some people are not cut out to be paretns. I wish I had realised beforehand. There must have been signs but I didn't see them (I had come out of a horrible realtionship and possibly wilfully ignores them)

eek typos sorry- in a rush

So you've said what you can't go back to work as, what could you do? Retrain as something, set up your own business, anything to get you back to work again.

Similar problems to my exP. Similar age to you and work readiness, children's ages etc not the health problems however.
I organised the split with ex having lost most of the respect I had held for him and now work in retail, have new partner and am much, much happier. He has to cope with the children when they stay with him and that hasn't been easy for him always. It's sometimes fun to observe though.
I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions on how not to get to that point though.

It's sometimes fun to observe though

This is what I'm imagining

DH has been busy as a bee the last couple of days. He is writing lists. He even chivvied the dc along this morning. A bit, but it's a start

I'm looking at voluntary work-hopefully they'll be a bit tolerant of my (anti social) health probs

I've chased the consultant about getting meds adjusted

Also looking at training

Meanwhile keeping as busy as I can on house in case we have to sell. It's a massive asset (as long as I'm prepared to move away from expensive area)

Thanks everyone, fog beginning to life

Lift!!

Freudian slip?