husband nice-but-useless, me losing grip

[MmeTwat]

I need to unpick this. I'm writing it down so I can see if things become clearer

(I know it is loooong. And dull. I don't really expect anyone to read it tbh)

1. husband is nice. He is funny, and (sort of) kind. He doesn't drink, he's not abusive, he's not emotionally abusive but

1. husband is pretty useless. He can't or won't support in a crisis, and he causes 9by omission) thousands of little crises himself

he works, I'm a sahm. He is good at his job, though not all that invested in it iykwim. I'm sort of good at being a sahm (3 biggish kids, house in state of disrepair, I'm supposed to be fixing it, so plenty for me to do)

it's just as a dad, and domestically, he's pretty lazy. Apparently once I described us as 'you go to work and drive everyone about, and I do everything else' which I can't remember but it sounds about right

all the caring, cooking, cleaning, outings, holidays, organising, discipline etc etc are done by me, I don't mind- of course I don't- but at weekends I expect him to at least have some input. He won't so much as tell a dc to hang their coat up, or that it's bedtime

(he has always been like this from when the kids were tiny)

as a result, I am the Bossy One. He is the Nice One

if I give him anything to do, he will fuck it up. Normally a combination of not listening to really carefully (and tactfully given) instructions, and not really giving a shit. Which is a nuisance, and causes me extra work. Plus it's not just annoying bog standard useless- some of it is dangerous. I get progressively more angry at this sort of thing. So I am the Angry One, he is the Helpless One

I feel sometimes like the whole weight of the family is on me, and the whole weight of the house

I don't like what I have become

I hate the sound of my own voice

I want him to help me- the kids are of an age now when they're getting quite challenging. He doesn't. He says he will, but then he doesn't

I wonder if I should leave him. We have been together for years. I don't think you should break up your family over what sound like trivial things but add up to a whole ton of crap falling on one person. But then I don't think you should necessarily stay together because you're materially comfortable, when you're unhappy? and progressively (now) more and more angry?

I keep telling myself it will get better when the dcs leave home, we're fine on our own. But that will take years. Should I just suck it up till then?

Jan I think you're probably right

except I would rather be alone with the dcs- this was my shot at the right person, and it hasn't gone that well

I did think of leaving when the dcs were small but had visions of everything just going on fire on his access weekends so stuffed those thoughts down as far as I could

now I think he might step up a bit if he did have sole charge every other weekend. But of course that would be too late and so sad.

Someone said upthread that I sounded worried what other people wouold think

really I'm worried about waht the dcs will think

Normal feelings OP, it won't be easy but it might be better than spending the next 40 years like this.

And I'm sorry but I just don't buy this you need to tell him, what to show interest in his own family, no, he chooses that, it has nothing to do with you.

Is it worth having one last ditch attempt at getting him to step up?

It's terrifying to think of life operating as separated parents. It terrifies me, and it's something I'm considering.

But try to think of (and perhaps speak to..?) all those people you know who are making it work. It's a logistical and emotional pain in the neck sometimes, but nothing compared to the daily agony of not knowing whether you're in the right relationship or not.

All else being equal, would you want to live in the house your doing up, when its done up by you?

I wondered if your not keen on the path your on generally? Maybe you could take him with you on a new plan? Maybe not, but I always feel tempted to encourage people to stay together.

Have you ever left him to just cope on his own with the DCs? If speaking with him isn't an option, try a more practical approach and leave him to it while you stay with friends for a weekend or busy yourself out he house?

Needtomovehouse do you really really think I've never talked to him about this?

I'm not that Victorian

I've spoken to him so much I sound like a broken record

he always says he'll change. But he never does

would you want to live in the house your doing up

yy

I love the house, the street, the neighbours

but I would rather move, I think, than limp on like this. I never struck myself as the Feeling Hard Done By type, and I don't like it

I didn't think you'd never talked to him about it but as you said you've only today considered leaving as a real possibility, I meant talking to him from that angle? From the rest of your posts since your op though, you seem much more fed up with him than the first post suggested so my subsequent posts are probs redundant!

...also I would rather have a job

YES!! I WOULD RATHER HAVE A JOB!

I'm unemployable. But still.

thanks for all contributions. I'll chew over properly later.

I always feel tempted to encourage people to stay together.

I do this, too. I'm never one of the LTBs (unless obvious B) , more the 'why not try..?'

that said I think I'll try spare room for a bit, and taking a bit of time out of the house/leaving him to it more often

I am limping on, i think many of my friends are, don't think that others have beautiful relationships, i really don't believe it. Certainly not all the time.

Does your relationship still go in cycles, you know with some good times?

What ages are you children roughly? I am 40, my 3 kids 9-16

yy needtomove

sorry, I'm trying to have half an eye on some workmen

I need to let him know it's serious

otherwise he'll just tune me out and carry on as normal, I think

Your OP described my marriage to a T.

My decree absolute arrived last week.

Some people can stand it, but I couldn't. Your comment "I hate the sound of my own voice" put in a nutshell nicely, I thought.

How old are you, OP? Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

I understand that you're worried what your children will think. Of course you want to do what's right by them.

Do you ever leave the kids alone with him?

I'm assuming kids are school/nursery age? If so, do you think his attitude is well I work so you do everything else sort of thing? I know my DP was like this for a short while but as soon as I left him with the baby on his own it literally opened his eyes to how I don't just sit in front on the telly all day.

I think you should set up a rota so he cooks them dinner on weekends etc. and just leave him with the kids more and more and see if he pays attention/ups his game a bit. You may have done all of these things I don't know but it's worth a shot. If you'd rather be on your own with DCs I think that's really saying something tbh.

Could you find an occupation (whatever it is, a course might be good) that takes yu away on weekends? Not every weekends but some of them. Regularly so he has to learn to step up and do some HW, tell th dcs to go to bed etc....

It would also help you be more employable (or yu could work on building your own business etc etc)

xpost Laurie.

I too have learnt that for DH to realise how much is going, he had to be put in the situation where he had to do it.

The next step was me being ill and unable to do most of the HW but I wouldn't recommend that one

I've read research that says that a thousand tiny things are more fatal to a marriage than one big one. I think I agree.

Strategic incompetence is what it's called. I remember having my brother to stay a few years back and asking him to sort the kitchen out or something while I did some other domestic stuff. He did it really badly. I asked him if he'd done it deliberately so that I'd just go 'off ffs give it here I'll do it."

Cue shamefaced look. Lazy bugger.

I'd be having a talk with him along the lines of "enough - you engage with family life or I leave, and you can employ a housekeeper."

One last chance I suppose, but frankly I couldn't live like that.

Bit excessive to have to actually leave your home in the hope that he will engage with his own children.

If I was you, I'd go out the both of you and tell him it has got so bad for you that you are considering separating.

There's no way he's that stupid that he doesn't realise that he does fuck all at home either domestically or with his family - he probably likes it this way, you do everything, suffer the stress and he gets all the nice things to do - he needs a bloody great foot up the arse if you ask me.

During the week he's working whilst you do the housework. What's he doing on a weekend?

Being a sahm is Victorian? !

Only if you conform to some rigid view of what is valuable in society (paid work).

How fucking Victorian is that?

OP, how old are your children? You said they were "biggish" and that you discovered he was like this when you had children. This (though it might not be what you'd like to hear) unfortunately makes me think that you've left this too long and he's not going to change now. I kind of agree with NeedToMoveHouse: if you left him, you'd still need to do everything and discipline the children on your own AND spend 8+ hrs a day working somewhere.

Well, yes, Mypockets. I'm not going to hijack op's thread to thrash this one out but being a sahm that is completely financially dependent on a husband and with no means of financial independence "being unemployable", and as such feeling trapped in the role of sahm is comparable to the outdated stereotype of a woman's role being in the home and the mans being at the workplace, with the two never crossing.

Jan but it works becausenthen he has no other choice than doing it and the OP can't actually step in when usually he is making so difficult for her (and the dcs) that she feels she has to step in.

On paper, you should be able to do that even if you are in the house. In practice, my experience tells me it's easier to be out of the house and use that opportunity to do something for herself

Iona yes about doing it all if she was leaving except that

• she would hav EOW for hersef
• she would have less mess to look after, ie his mess and his needs to cater for too which makes things much easier.

I feel sorry that you think you're unemployable. That cannot be true. There must be some kind of job for you. Where I work (retail) there are loads of people working in "just" a job that they can leave at the door. There are people from all walks of life - accountants, teachers, ex-directors of companies, formerly retired people who just want/need a bit of extra cash. I started there part-time and am now full-time, going on the management programme and tbh I'm surprised how much I enjoy it.

Would something like that be suitable for you? Apart from anything else it would give you something else to think about, apart from household, home, family... Your family might also view you differently - not the person who does everything for everyone as you actually won't be able to do that any more.

I hope you take this post in the spirit it was meant - very supportive.

Sounds like my Dad. Mum had a v hard life with him being the decision maker.