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Original poster

Why does he bring up my past?

105 replies

Purplerain067 · 29/02/2016 14:05

I just need some advice really.
I have been in a relationship with my DP for 2 years and got engaged just before Christmas. We have a great relationship, we work so well together, our children are getting on great and things are really looking up. I cannot wait to be his wife and to carry on our lives together.

But there's this one issue that happens every 6 months or so. When my DP has a few too many drinks or a bit of a bad day he will bring up my past. He will make me feel small for how many sexual partners I've had and often asks very personal questions and can be quite nasty about it.

I've told him it needs to stop and that my past is behind me and I'm not that person anymore. However it doesn't seem to make any difference. We will talk. He will say it's difficult to leave it in the past, I will get upset, he then feels bad and all will be forgotten the following day until the next time he brings it up.

After a not so great weekend with him I've told him today that it is his problem not mine and he needs to either get over it or leave- he didn't reply. I feel like I've been so hasty, I don't want him to leave because 99% of the time things are great but I can't take anymore of this Sad

I'm dreading him not coming home but I really feel I don't deserve this either. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Buttercup443 · 02/03/2016 23:01

My husband is 10 years older than me and has had more experience. When he brought up anal and other stuff I felt jealous and inadequate but he has been brilliant at being level headed and kind and hugging me, taking away my nervosity and making me feel warm and fuzzy.

Whatever your partner may feel, just put him at ease.

If it is more deep rooted aid suggest therapy.

No one at should you have to endure swear words or being made to feel a full for your choices. His own self doubt is coming out in the way he attacks you. I personally think it will get worse and you deserve none of it. Solution is he either seeks help with or without you or you split. You are a decent human being, sex life and all. Hold your beautiful head high and don't let anybody tell you different. Xxx [unmumsnetty hug]

Glastokitty · 03/03/2016 00:03

Run like the wind. Don't be ashamed of your past, there is nothing to be ashamed about, its only sex FGS, you weren't killing babies. Everyone has a past, its what makes you who you are now, and if your bloke can't accept this then you need to get rid. Bloody men with virgin complexes make my blood boil!

Original poster
Purplerain067 · 04/03/2016 09:25

Thank you all for your replies and advice.

Summerlovinf I don't regret my past as such, just feel a bit sorry for my younger self. I was very naive and lacked confidence, I thought sex meant I was loved and wanted, which wasn't the case. I ended up with around 20 sexual partners instead.

He has been great since I put my foot down. Not sure how long it will last or if it will last at all but I'm willing to give it one more chance as I feel our relationship is worth it.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/03/2016 09:37

Oh dear.

Please don't marry him, OP, or book a wedding any time soon.

And please do follow through when (not if) it happens again. Don't be that woman who keeps giving him "just one more chance".

Arfarfanarf · 04/03/2016 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 14:49

I do agree with Arfarfanarf - I think alcohol is truth juice, even if the person doesn't realise it.

don't get me wrong, we have all said stuff we don't mean in the heat of the moment, but this is an issue for him that keeps coming up. the same issue.

Atenco · 05/03/2016 03:40

Just adding my voice here. Stay with him as long as you want and he keeps his word, but don't marry him.

I don't know whether it is jealousy or inadequacy on his part, but I had an ex that used what he thought was my Achilles' heel against me, including my sexual past, until he finally realised what my Achilles' heel really was, socially anxiety, so then he started inventing stories about friends criticising me. And I'm afraid that is what your story reminds me of.

The other red flags are really serious too. Be on your guard.

MistressDeeCee · 05/03/2016 06:07

I hate belligerent drunks. Ive always found they need to get drunk to come out with nasty "truths" re. what they really think of you. He doesn't respect you and thinks you are unclean. Probably some warped version of Madonna/Whore syndrome going on in his backward-thinking head. Mind you he's progressed from that hasn't he, because he also starts this when he's not drunk, but has had a bad day.

If he comes back and if you do love him, he needs to attend counselling. & don't go with him, its him with the issue not you.

Men like this are disrespectful, misogynistic pricks and I do struggle to understand why any woman would find them attractive, let alone sleep with a man who doesn't like them. & I believe if these men wanted to change they would tell you that, and self-refer to counselling.

Put the marriage plans on hold

Kr1stina · 05/03/2016 06:49

Please put your marriage plans on hold and don't have another child with him .

donajimena · 05/03/2016 08:32

20? Is that all? Bloody hell thats no huge number. I don't get this 'number' business. I don't know mine because I've never counted. I've never been asked by my partner I've never asked my partner. I hope you are ok OP and that you get through this but in future (if it isn't with him ) you are under no obligation to discuss this with future partners whatsoever.
I'd be turned off if a partner asked to be honest because as this thread shows there is no 'right' number and why would someone want to know other than to judge you?

NameChange30 · 05/03/2016 09:02

"Men like this are disrespectful, misogynistic pricks and I do struggle to understand why any woman would find them attractive, let alone sleep with a man who doesn't like them. & I believe if these men wanted to change they would tell you that, and self-refer to counselling."

Hear hear

Atenco · 05/03/2016 11:00

Totally agree with donajimena
Never thought to count how many sexual partners I've had. I've been celebate for many's the long year, but when I was active, it was way more than 20 and I wasn't especially free and easy either.

Original poster
Purplerain067 · 05/03/2016 19:01

Starting to think you're all right. He's being so miserable today, bringing my mood down with his negativity. Me and the kids all wanted to go out this afternoon and he said he's had a hard week at work and just wants to relax. Not doing anything for Mother's Day tomorrow and he said he doesn't like celebrating all this crap and made a stupid joke saying his surprised I don't celebrate St Nicholas' Day.

Feeling blah. Sad

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 05/03/2016 19:06

What exactly is this dick bringing to your life, and your DC's lives?

MistressDeeCee · 05/03/2016 19:15

He's being so miserable today, bringing my mood down with his negativity

OP I am at the moment thinking what on earth is it you love about this man? He must think he's God's gift, with his stinking attitude towards women he seems pretty sure you won't leave him. He can't even be bothered to try.

What do you mean you're not doing anything for Mothers Day? You're a mother, aren't you? Go out with the DCs! Go see a film, have a meal, have a wander, whatever you fancy. Its not "all about him".

You need to kick this fool to the far side of fuck. He'll spoil and put a spoke in any happy moments you have, or want to have. When somebody shows they do not like you, please take heed. This, on top of

*He will make me feel small for how many sexual partners I've had and often asks very personal questions and can be quite nasty about it"

Just - yuk. I don't know how you can bear even the thought of climbing into bed with him, having him touch you. Is he now "punishing" you for standing up to him then? Id leave him to it. He can go out and find himself a vestal virgin somewhere and live happily ever after - not. He's a pain in the ass and that normally doesn't bode well for relationships.

You can do far better than that. Even if you have to be single for a time, don't let a man treat you like shit. Thats not a relationship. Look after yourself, and love yourself.

Whocansay · 05/03/2016 19:21

FFS, just go without him!

Or better yet ditch him. He's clearly decided to punish you for standing your corner.

ricketytickety · 05/03/2016 19:26

You say 99% of the time he's great. But actually, from what you've posted about the weekend, 99% of the time he brings you down.

Spandexpants007 · 05/03/2016 19:32

He needs therapy for his jealousy and insecurity

NameChange30 · 05/03/2016 19:37

LTB already

He doesn't need therapy, he needs a fucking personality transplant

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 05/03/2016 23:21

He has been great since I put my foot down. Not sure how long it will last or if it will last at all but I'm willing to give it one more chance as I feel our relationship is worth it.

34 hours seems to be your answer. Wow, even for a Twunt like him, that's pretty efficient turnaround.

I was going to say, in reply to your post yesterday morning, that it really doesn't seem like your relationship is worth it (but it's absolutely your call, of course), but I hope you begin to see the truth. This was pretty much his last chance, and he's fucked it up, hasn't he.

nishellehadley30 · 14/10/2019 04:12

Why does my guy bring up my past when I don't bring his up

TacCat49 · 14/10/2019 04:25

Why is he judging you? I bet he wasn't a virgin when you got together.

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/10/2019 07:51

Zombie thread ffs

DarlingBuds19 · 14/10/2019 07:55

His ex wife was also a virgin when they met- he seems proud of that also, if that makes any sense.

This guy will never change. Therapy or not, he'll.bever change. You can't change "values" that are that deeply ingrained. You can't change views of women and sex that are that deeply ingrained.

He'll be back at it in no time.

Don't excuse him due to his not great childhood, mother etc. Even if it was due to that (which I wouldn't think it is .... I was in a relationship with a man like this who had a great mum and childhood) ... It's not ok and extremely unlikely to be resolved.

Did he know about your no of sexual partners before you got serious in a relationship? I'm guessing so - in which case he went ahead with a serious relationship with you - so now has absolutely no right to throw it in your face, put you down about it, criticise you did it etc.

Guys like this go ahead with relationships with women who are not ideally what they want because they know they won't get what they want (past a certain age, and it's not feasible for them to get into relationships with the age group likely to be virgins in our society i.e.s 17). They know this from who they meet, coloquial knowledge etc. so they proceed with relationships with non virgins but they are never happy, never settled ... This leaks out in all sorts of ways. Often they are also very scared the woman will cheat (because not being a virgin means she has a comparison, having had multiple partners means he thinks she has experienced variety that he cannot replicate etc. ... And part of the slut shaming he dies is a twisted attempt to make her ashamed, self conscious, aware and less likely to cheat (she wasn't going to but he sees her as s perpetual cheating hazard, this woman who's had multiple dicks). Also this sort just likes verbally beating people up every now and then to feel powerful.

Just to reiterate, it's a deeply deeply ingrained set of beliefs and values about whether men and sex, and your chances of changing it is low.

DarlingBuds19 · 14/10/2019 07:56

*women and sex