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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he bring up my past?

105 replies

Purplerain067 · 29/02/2016 14:05

I just need some advice really.
I have been in a relationship with my DP for 2 years and got engaged just before Christmas. We have a great relationship, we work so well together, our children are getting on great and things are really looking up. I cannot wait to be his wife and to carry on our lives together.

But there's this one issue that happens every 6 months or so. When my DP has a few too many drinks or a bit of a bad day he will bring up my past. He will make me feel small for how many sexual partners I've had and often asks very personal questions and can be quite nasty about it.

I've told him it needs to stop and that my past is behind me and I'm not that person anymore. However it doesn't seem to make any difference. We will talk. He will say it's difficult to leave it in the past, I will get upset, he then feels bad and all will be forgotten the following day until the next time he brings it up.

After a not so great weekend with him I've told him today that it is his problem not mine and he needs to either get over it or leave- he didn't reply. I feel like I've been so hasty, I don't want him to leave because 99% of the time things are great but I can't take anymore of this Sad

I'm dreading him not coming home but I really feel I don't deserve this either. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 02/03/2016 12:39

His ex wife was also a virgin when they met- he seems proud of that also, if that makes any sense.

Aaarrrrgggghh! Run screaming! Not joking.

Jan45 · 02/03/2016 12:43

Is this guy from another century, Jesus.

OP, I hope he can change.

Never forget, a partner that puts you down for whatever and makes you feel bad is not a good future husband.

pocketsaviour · 02/03/2016 12:51

Is this guy from another century

Yes. We all are unless we're under 16 Wink

OP, he may have currently said the right things to get you to shut up but I would bet my last penny that he will bring this up again. And then again, and again, and again.

Do you have a specific, actionable plan in place for what you'll do next time he starts with this misogynist shit?

It's no surprise to learn he has an abusive mother; he's learned to hate women from somewhere. But it's not your job to fix him. He's chosen to take the path of hating half the population instead of facing his past and moving forward.

MoominPie22 · 02/03/2016 13:06

Yes so now it's obv where his feelings of inadequacy come frm. In his twisted brain ur probably judging him and comparing him to prev lovers. Totally his problem. I'm glad you've put your foot down and aren't prepared to tolerate his BS issues and mistreatment any longer. How dare he bring u down cos of his inferiority complex?!

Minime85 · 02/03/2016 13:33

He should not be using your past against you in any way. I might get shot down here but I can understand if he is feeling insecure. It doesn't mean you did anything to warrant it and obviously it is unacceptable. As someone who has little experience compared to my partner this does make me feel like a naive little girl. And in comparison not good enough. It is difficult not to think sometimes about this. I am not condoning his actions at all just trying to understand why he might do that and it might not be that he is being abusive with that intent of being abusive if that makes sense? Regardless he needs to accept it is what it is and not to treat you in that way. If he can't do that then he doesn't deserve you.

Summerlovinf · 02/03/2016 13:38

So he's also comparing you unfavourably with his ex-wife...erm...alarm bells!

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 02/03/2016 13:43

I'm also a little Hmm that he even discusses in-depth the sexusl details of his exes!

He's not going to change. You know that, right?

MorrisZapp · 02/03/2016 13:47

Reminds me of the vile little creep Justin Lee Collins who made his girlfriend write all her ex boyfriends names down and details of their sex life.

I'd worry this attitude was indicative of some pretty deep misogynistic beliefs.

I'd say put wedding plans on hold until you feel properly confident he has changed. You'll have to get drunk with him to find out I guess.

And absolutely do not change your behaviour. If you want to chat with men or hug your male friends or whatever then bloody do it. If he can't handle it then he's not good enough to marry.

Summerlovinf · 02/03/2016 13:50

You might feel better if you try to accept that you ARE that same person, at a different time. Can you face up to having had sexual partners in the past? At the moment he seems to be using your shame about that against you. You haven't done anything wrong but can you accept that?

MoominPie22 · 02/03/2016 14:13

Summer has a point. What have you got to regret in any case? Plenty of people enjoy sex with various partners prior to settling down and that´s nothing to be ashamed about. UNless you were being coerced into something with arsehole men.....or if you were a prostitute perhaps.

Wasn´t Justin Lee Collins the hairy, Welsh comedian who was on something with Alan Carr years ago? If it is I thought he was dead funny, not a sexual weirdo! Confused Mind I am out of the UK now and therefore out of the loop. Blush

Genx77 · 02/03/2016 14:23

Details of the Justin lee collins trial. Read this op because sadly, I think this is where your relationship is heading.

rahhhhhhhhhhh · 02/03/2016 14:31

coming from the other side....
i am very jealous/anxious about my boyfriends past at times (not drink related) we dont argue we talk about it and he helps put my mind at ease (even though i know it is not his job to do this).

The reason for my issues is my ex was very untrustworthy, he lied and cheated and it has affected me in so many ways, i know i shouldnt project this on my current boyfriend but i honestly cant help it.

i have recently self referred for CBT to talk things through with a counsellor as i know its not normal and i clearly have issues relating to trust lying deep inside. if you love him please give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest he talks things through with a counsellor.

i know i will be jumped on for this but i know how it feels to feel the insecurity it totally consumes me, if i tried to hold it in he knows something is up so i have to tell him. ive been warned by friends and family i will drive him away if it continues but he understands and i think that helps alot. (it happens once a month) im hoping the CBT will improve the situation.

Summerlovinf · 02/03/2016 14:38

There is a difference though between feeling insecure yourself and, what this man is doing which is making someone else feel small and being nasty about their past. Re-assuring her partner is one thing...but taking abuse from him about a past he wasn't even part of is something else.

rahhhhhhhhhhh · 02/03/2016 14:49

summerlovinf i totally agree with that point, i never give my boyfriend abuse.

MoominPie22 · 02/03/2016 15:07

Just read that story. Yuck! I can´t believe any woman, or person for that matter, would wanna go near him now. An extreme manifestation of a man´s sexual inferiority complex? Or a man´s inability to deal with the fact his partner has indeed had other sexual partners and enjoyable sexual experiences in her past, prior to him, and he can´t deal with it so it festers away and culminates in this abusive, misogynistic behaviour towards her?

Either way it takes the form of control and abuse. I hope he´s fully ¨cured¨ now or he´s a danger to women and should carry a health warning!

I fear some men haven´t evolved since medieval times whereby woman had to be chaste and virgins ( pure as the driven snow! ) and he must be the only man she ever knows. How very archaic and deluded! But it´s true. Look at how common the procedure is in some cultures to replace the woman´s hymen so that she gets to be a virgin again for her husband. Shock Makes my feminist blood boil something rotten! So indeed, some cultures ( and men from any culture ) really are stuck in the Dark Ages.

NickiFury · 02/03/2016 15:16

I was cheated on hugely by my ex H, won't go into detail because it's really dull to me now. I'd never take that out on the next person but it's taken me a while to get to feeling like that. I take some positivity from it in that I wouldn't put up with any kind of cheating or abusive behaviour and would dump on the spot any future partner that displayed it. I think if you're not at that point and need reassurance from your current partner who is irrelevant to what happened previously, then you probably aren't ready to be in a relationship at all.

rahhhhhhhhhhh · 02/03/2016 15:54

Whilst i was single i never thought i would "take (my ex's behaviour) it out" on anyone either, i thought my feelings related to that bad relationship only.
its a year down the line of my new relationship and its only started to affect me now. im not going to end an otherwise happy relationship for these feelings when going for CBT will help me.

Treetop12 · 02/03/2016 16:05

Rahhhhhhh . . .I mentioned in an earlier post that I suffered the same thing. intense jealousy over my (then) bfs past. it was overwhelming and at times I definitely made him feel terrible about it.

But I/we did get over it. It started with me admitting that they were all my issues, and nothing that he had done wrong.

OP - ask him to get some help with HIS issues. you may still be able to come out the other side.

rahhhhhhhhhhh · 02/03/2016 16:23

Treetop12, i am confident i will get over it too, i tell him all the time it is me and i apologise for being like that too, i don't blame him at all as it is entirely my issues and complete over reaction he just chooses to talk me through it and i really appreciate that but would prefer to not feel like it in the first place.
i hope you figure out what you want OP

IamlovedbyG · 02/03/2016 16:24

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BitchPeas · 02/03/2016 16:40

I had one like this once. Run, run for the fucking hills! He was also obsessed with virgins. (Shudder)

NameChange30 · 02/03/2016 16:49

Minime and rahhh, with respect I think you are both projecting and have misjudged the OP's situation, which is very different from each of yours.

OP, glad you found the link useful. Tbh the fact that he is doing even three things on the list, in addition to the other behaviours you've mentioned (being proud that his ex was a virgin?! WTAF)... It's all extremely worrying. The signs of abuse are usually subtle to begin with. He will see what he can get away and gradually ramp up the abuse. I think that's exactly what your partner is going to do.

Hennifer · 02/03/2016 16:56

I had a boyfriend who did exactly this, once. He was a scientist. He use to suddenly storm out if I mentioned one of my ex partners, slamming the door. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. He wished he was my first boyfriend, and could not handle the fact he wasn't.

He was a great guy apart from this. It was very scary and very upsetting, and I left him quite quickly.

it's no way to live, being scared like that.

Hennifer · 02/03/2016 16:57

btw he had some issues from his childhood - last born in a large family, felt like he wasn't wanted, and his mum had loved the others more or something

you can see where it all started.

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