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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he bring up my past?

105 replies

Purplerain067 · 29/02/2016 14:05

I just need some advice really.
I have been in a relationship with my DP for 2 years and got engaged just before Christmas. We have a great relationship, we work so well together, our children are getting on great and things are really looking up. I cannot wait to be his wife and to carry on our lives together.

But there's this one issue that happens every 6 months or so. When my DP has a few too many drinks or a bit of a bad day he will bring up my past. He will make me feel small for how many sexual partners I've had and often asks very personal questions and can be quite nasty about it.

I've told him it needs to stop and that my past is behind me and I'm not that person anymore. However it doesn't seem to make any difference. We will talk. He will say it's difficult to leave it in the past, I will get upset, he then feels bad and all will be forgotten the following day until the next time he brings it up.

After a not so great weekend with him I've told him today that it is his problem not mine and he needs to either get over it or leave- he didn't reply. I feel like I've been so hasty, I don't want him to leave because 99% of the time things are great but I can't take anymore of this Sad

I'm dreading him not coming home but I really feel I don't deserve this either. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Hissy · 29/02/2016 21:20

Before he went to work he said there's nothing I can do to make it better.

What you? There is nothing TO BE BETTER! You're good enough AS YOU ARE!

And if he doesn't see this, then you need to move on. This is his problem, not yours! Truly.

nicenewdusters · 29/02/2016 21:31

What an arse of a man ! Who says there is anything to be made better, who appointed him judge and jury? What was he hoping for, a time machine to transport you back to your early teens where you would magically turn into Snow White for him to meet later ? Sorry, but he's got the cheek of the fucking devil. Let's hope he doesn't come back. Are you really going to marry a man who has already told you you're damaged goods ?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/02/2016 22:38

If he doesn't come back, don't be sad; be relieved.

Is this part of a black and white thinking of a Madonna/Whore thing? He probably enjoys having sex-but you are not allowed to...since the beginning of time-except with him? That is some serious magical thinking going on.

Yes to the misogyny and ownership aspect of his apparent need to be superior -thus must make you inferior/subordinate with this-he will get plenty of mileage out of this one- or with any mistake you might happen to make in the future (even non-sexual).

Yes to what Hissy wrote.
And why on earth would he get to enjoy such a double standard of putting you down so much yet staying in a relationship with you? That is certifiable mind fuck territory. Hypocrite.

I don't think I'd give him one more chance as they say that would be on a siding to nothing...nothing good anyway.

NickiFury · 29/02/2016 22:58

There is nothing to "make better" because it's all in his head. I'm sorry but I would no time for this bratty behaviour at all. Honestly please stop trying to placate this Drama Llama. Tell him to STFU or fuck off. You'll have lost nothing if he goes but at least you'll have done it on your terms.

Allnamesaretakenffs · 01/03/2016 06:55

Tell him to fuck the fuck off. You haven't cheated on him, you;re not bloody psychic to know that in the future they may or may not be an immature little boy man you'll end up with who can't handle the fact "his" woman has had other men appreciate her before him. You were absolutely right to say what you said to him, it's entirely HIS bloody problem! What does he want you to do, keep groveleing to him the rest of your lives together?

Whocansay · 01/03/2016 07:16

Make what better? Your past? That he already knew about? !! What are you supposed to do, get in your tardis?!!

Dump immediately. He's a total arsehole. And an abusive drunken arsehole at that.

LastInTheQueue · 01/03/2016 07:32

If he doesn't come back, then I would count my blessings.
And if he does come back, then I would ask him to leave.
He clearly has issues, but they are HIS issues. You've done nothing wrong. There is nothing that has to be made "better".
He's clearly already made a good job of eroding your self esteem and sense of self - don't let him grind you down even more. Your past, whatever it may be, is part of you. If he loved you then he would love you as a whole. Please don't let this man become a permanent fixture in yours and your children's lives.

isitginoclock · 01/03/2016 07:39

OP. This could have been me writing this around 5 years ago. I gave him two choices. Therapy or we go our separate ways. He bit the bullet and chatted it through with someone and worked through his issues (which were massively more deep rooted than I thought they were). So it can happen. Every now and then though when he's had a few I do wonder whether it's going to come up again. But literally, never. Maybe il just one of the lucky ones but I wanted to give you a different view xxx

hellsbellsmelons · 01/03/2016 10:26

He is NOT a nice man.
You have had some great advice from women who have been exactly where you are.
Take it and use it.
I do kinda hope he didn't and doesn't come back and you can move on and be yourself with someone worthy of you.

It might help you to contact Womens Aid and enrol to do their Freedom Programme. It will help you spot red flags far sooner because I can bet there are a few more things that will hit you in the next few days and weeks that show you he wasn't 99% good. Probably only about 60% good.

If he did come and you are going to work through it then HE needs counselling and HE should go out and seek it and not leave it to you to sort HIM out!

whatdoIget · 01/03/2016 10:39

My ex did this to me. He forced me to tell him about past boyfriends by making my life a misery until I told him. I felt violated by him. Nasty little man intruding into my personal life. LTB would be my advice.

MoominPie22 · 01/03/2016 10:58

Agree with pp. Seriously, what numpty goes on like this? Confused Agree...total Red Flag Alert. PLease don not marry this wanker man! He´s clearly never gonna change, only for the worse!

If he has insecurities or an inferiority complex cos you have slept with more partners than him, and therefore he can´t feel like the Studmuffin he longs to be, then that is his cross to bear and he needs to get the fuck over his own issues! He doesn´t sound like the full shilling cos, seriously, normal people don´t go on like this.

And I would agree with pp, if he chooses to not come back then it really would be a blessing in disguise! You might think you´re heart is breaking but honestly, you´ll have dodged a bullet by not continuing into marriage with this crackpot. He´s not right upstairs! Shock

MatrixReloaded · 01/03/2016 13:36

You've done the right thing stating stop or leave. If he's willing to leave because you won't tolerate abuse you've dodged a bullet. A big one. It's really not about your past , it's about abuse.

Expect for him to call your bluff. Don't call him , Chase him or pander to him.

Jan45 · 01/03/2016 14:37

Pray he doesn't come back and grow a backbone OP, this man is slowly putting you down every time he talks to you - it's not normal.

Only you can value yourself more.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 01/03/2016 20:21

"If he has insecurities or an inferiority complex cos you have slept with more partners than him, and therefore he can´t feel like the Studmuffin he longs to be, then that is his cross to bear and he needs to get the fuck over his own issues!"

^ This.

"He will make me feel small for how many sexual partners I've had...I'm not that person anymore."

You can have as many sexual parters as you bloody well like and there is nothing to be ashamed of (unless it was non-consential or you were cheating on him obviously). Never apologise for it.
The best you can hope for is that he recognises it's his problem and he goes for counselling. Otherwise this won't get better.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2016 20:37

Every time this comes up I try to convince myself that he can see that I love him and that he will eventually stop bringing it up.

You are flogging a dead horse.

Original poster
Purplerain067 · 01/03/2016 21:17

Thanks for the advice everyone. I've never seen his behaviour as abuse, I think it's because I regret a lot of my past and he knows this but I'm starting to see that it has nothing to do with him regardless of how I feel about it.

He did come home last night. I told him my past is unchangable, nothing to do with him and that he needs to get over himself or leave. He didn't leave and has accepted that it's his problem and he needs to deal with it.

I told him if he ever uses my past to hurt me again then he can leave- and I actually mean it this time.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2016 21:24

So next time he does it, what will happen ?

You know he won't be able to resist. Past behaviouir is a good indicator of future behaviour and it seems he has been getting something out of tryign to diminish you. It is unlikely he will give that up.

You have to mean it nd be prepared to follow through, or don't threaten it. All that does is weaken your position further.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 01/03/2016 21:25

Has he explained why he has an issue with it Purple?

DollyTwat · 01/03/2016 23:35

Purple the type of people who do this always do it. My dad did it and so does my ex, even after 11 years being split up

But over the years the stories get twisted and a version of the story is repeated

My ex now fabricated stories of my childhood to tell my school, when I challenge him he says that I'm in denial.

It's a power thing, that he's better than you, that he had the right to judge you

I'd never tolerate this again

DollyTwat · 01/03/2016 23:35

*to tell my dc
*my dad did this to my mum

Stupid phone

NameChange30 · 01/03/2016 23:41

Huge red flag. You say you're engaged - please tell me you're not actively planning a wedding? Because you need to put all plans on hold. (Well, I think you probably just need to split up, but you might not feel ready for that yet.)

Please could you do me a favour - just look at these signs of emotional abuse and let us know if anything sounds familiar?

Treetop12 · 02/03/2016 08:32

Obviously it's completely up to you. and I really hope he has learnt that you won't take anymore of this behaviour.

I do second what the others have said. don't just make threats and then not follow through. it is so easily done, but it is just a vicious cycle and will end in a messy break up, much further down the line - when you will have a lot more to deal with (ie, divorce).

I have been in relationships where ive (half heartedly) packed my bags, to try to scare an ex into changing - it doesn't work.

Minime85 · 02/03/2016 08:55

It sounds as if you have sorted things out then purple. I agree with others about not making empty threats and say what you are happy to have out there as once things are said they can't be unsaid.

I don't know how he says these things or why and haven't read the whole thread but if he is less experiences than you it could be making him feel insecure maybe? It doesn't make it right that he is using it against you at all and it is his issue to deal with but I'm just maybe trying to see another view.

Original poster
Purplerain067 · 02/03/2016 11:00

AnotherEmma thanks for the link, it was very interesting and eye opening to read.

He does have a tendency to do a few of those things, not all, but there are definitely a few that stand out:

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologising.

These are the ones I can relate to. I know he had a very difficult childhood and blames a lot of that on his Mum. They have quite a strained relationship, which is quite hard to watch at times. He is however a brilliant Dad and has a really great bond with my daughter too. I hope he can work through his issues himself and that we can move on.

But I know I cannot take another ridiculous trivial of my past and I won't allow any sly comments or 'jokes' either. Next time I'm made to feel so small I am truly gone- I don't need that in my life I already have issues with family members that like to put me down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplerain067 · 02/03/2016 11:04

Minime I'm not sure why it's such a big deal for him. He was married and in a long term relationship before, so my experience and amount of sexual partners is relatively large in comparison. His ex wife was also a virgin when they met- he seems proud of that also, if that makes any sense.

OP posts: