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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend dislikes my 5 yo

102 replies

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 22:10

Title says it all really. My good friend has a DD the same age as my DS, the problem is that my son can be a bit boisterous and giddy and well, a boy and her daughter is very quiet and not terribly outgoing at all. My DS has a brother and has learned to be assertive whereas her daughter is an only child and is not at all assertive. She is a lovely girl though and DS is genuinely good friends with her, they don't fight and he doesn't pick on her and they have a nice time when they're together with no falling out. We have been on holiday a number of times and the children have always got on great.

The problem is that when we're together friend is constantly 'helicoptering' over the children and monitoring everything they do - almost as if she expects DS to be doing something to her DD. It's like she is policing the relationship.

She is also constantly snapping at DS and telling him off - she is on him in a second. She tells him off far more than she would her DD. He's not an angel and he does mess about a fair bit but he is only 5 and nothing he does is in malice, it's just usually being a bit silly IYKWIM. I do always pull him up on silly behaviour but because my friend is on his back constantly I don't even get chance to. It's really like she can't stand him Sad

I'm not making excuses for my DS but it does really make me feel sad when we're together as he is always getting told off, even when he's not really doing anything 'telling off worthy.' If her DD does something 'naughty' she even blames DS there saying she's copying - that she must have got it from DS.

I feel really sad. I do think DS is more boisterous than her DD and whilst He can be annoying, she could just leave it to me to tell him off and get off his back a bit and let the children play - because they do play lovely together when she is not policing everything. I really feel like not seeing them as it just makes me feel so depressed.

OP posts:
Donthate · 28/02/2016 09:46

Yes for all children. Not just the louder ones.

Original poster
OhForFrigSake · 28/02/2016 09:47

Simon, our situations are not similar at all, he is not violent to her DD and never has been. They play beautifully, there are no tears, tantrums or arguments. I actually don't know of 2 children who play better together. The mum acknowledges that they are 'best friends' and play very nicely, it's just that she cannot stand him.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhForFrigSake · 28/02/2016 09:48

By the way my younger DS is much quieter and less independent than the older one so YY to it being differences in character. I have patented them the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhForFrigSake · 28/02/2016 09:48

Haha parented obviously!

OP posts:
Donthate · 28/02/2016 09:55

I would drop her. Do the dc go to school together? I can't remember if you said?

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 28/02/2016 10:01

No, sorry I didn't mean to insinuate that your ds was violent.

Just that Id been in a situation where two parents had different views on what was ok or not, whether that's boisterous behaviour in your case or hitting in my case. I couldnt find a way to resolve it and felt I had to withdraw from the situation which I think could be a way forward for you. It is a shame but maybe as the kids get older then things might be better and you could see each other more?

If you do this make an effort to see your friend in the evenings without kids so you don't lose your friendship.

NashvilleQueen · 28/02/2016 10:03

I do see what the OP was trying to say even if the gender thing wasn't worded as well as it could have been.

IMO this is entirely down to parenting. I would tell my girls off straightaway for behaviour which I consider inappropriate, especially towards other children. Some (and I do mean some) parents of boys excuse similar behaviour as 'rough and tumble' or 'boys will be boys' which means that, eventually, there can be a difference. At a birthday party recently with my 8 year old the boys jumped all over each other, wrestling on the floor whilst the girls stood and chatted. I would have stopped my daughter from jumping all over the place as would, I suspect, the other parents. It just seems that some boys have been allowed to live up to a stereotype.

germinal · 28/02/2016 11:09

nashvillequeen I have two boys aged 4.5 and 2.5 yrs. They delight in wrestling, or rough housing, in a way my daughter never does. I would be very angry if someone corrected my DS's (or DD if she was so inclined) for wrestling at a kids party. Children wrestle because they find it great fun. It is common for little boys especially because of their hormones and because grown ups tend to play more roughly with boys.

Anyway I don't want to hijack this thread with gender arguments, which are really a red herring. The OP's friend should not be constantly correcting another persons child for imagined offences such as his annoying voice or drinking milkshakes with a spoon. It is bad manners and mean. Ultimately it will rob her little girl of a friendship that seems important to her Sad

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 28/02/2016 11:24

I'd ditch her or tell her. Or tell her then ditch her. Nasty bitch.

Choceclair123 · 28/02/2016 11:44

So basically she's bullying your son. Ditch her

Spandexpants007 · 28/02/2016 14:09

Speak to her about it. Say you feel she's particularly critical of your son and needs to be kinder

MagratsFlyawayHair · 28/02/2016 14:15

If she really just doesn't like him I'd stop seeing her. I've no time for people who are like that. He's a kid for goodness sake.

Unacceptable · 28/02/2016 14:29

I absolutely didn't intend to jump on you OhForFrigSake and didn't realise so many others were hugely irritated by the standard 'typical boy' description as I am.

As a mum to both boys and a girl in part of a huge extended family I suppose the gender bias isn't really a factor in personalities in my experience. It does irritate me. A lot

Back to your dilemma though.
Those conversations between friends can be excruciating. I've had those chats once or twice. Equally I've allowed two good friendships to drift due to our DC's issues.

I do think the ones I've allowed to drift to be totally honest were ones where I didn't feel my friends felt there was a problem with adult behaviour really. Imo they both had weird dislikes of no big deal behaviour of other children. Absolutely one, now distant friend, I hand on heart believe just did not like my lovely DS.
At all.
Increasingly and heartbreakingly.

I want to say also that I in no way intended to allude to the fact that your description of your son in OP came across as him just being the naughty, dominant friend. That was clear by you pointing out that the two children didn't fight or bicker.

Time, children, circumstance...things change friendships.
Sometimes space is needed to decide if the relationship is salvageable.

DerelictDaughter · 28/02/2016 14:38

OP I heartily sympathise.

First of all, I'd say: don't see this person any more as a friend, keep her as an acquaintance. Nobody who's a friend treats your child badly, whatever they think their reason is. Someone who's an arrogant shit treats a child badly.

It's sometimes hard in what is a social situation to step up and discipline your child in the same way that you might at home. I know a few times I had deliberately not been as full on at discipline as I could have been - because I am in someone else's home, everyone is playing or chatting - I found it hard to be the one who would ruin that atmosphere. I needed more confidence.

People also don't half exaggerate what is bad behaviour. I once had someone tell me that my child throwing stones into the water was an act of violence. There's not a lot you can do with that, really Grin

MistressDeeCee · 29/02/2016 00:52

I agree with germinal. People are far too quick to assume because its about a boy then he must have done something wrong, he must be rough, etc. They're only 5 fgs whats this woman doing being in their face all the time? If she's afraid of your DS being around her daughter then she should say so, and say why. None of this sounds fun for any of you so whats the point of it all?

She is also constantly snapping at DS and telling him off - she is on him in a second

Really OP? How about just cooling the friendship then? Or are you going to stay and put up with this woman constantly monitoring and having a go at your son? That being the case this friendship must be very important to you, never mind how your son may feel about your friend constantly barking at him. Why don't you stand up for him, or remove him from the situation ie go home? Or maybe just take the glaringly obvious hint that she doesn't want your DS playing with her DD, and act accordingly - don't engineer situations where they will be in contact with each other?

No-one can really get to the bottom of this, the rights or wrongs but in your shoes I wouldn't have my son play with this child, simple as that. I couldnt stand to see the hovering, thats for sure. I doubt it will be detrimental to his life in any way, and may actually be better for this parent and her daughter. Is this friend so essential to your life?

TheOddity · 29/02/2016 21:29

Before you totally give up, could you offer to babysit her DD one day without her being there? If DD returns home, having had a good time and unscathed, you could talk to your friend after and say you left them to their own devices and they actually got along better without the adult interference. Then maybe she would take the heavy hint to back off.

I must say though, my friend has two children, one is five and very sweet and gentle, the other is 7 and is just too excitable and silly for me. It is definitely her personality right now, not a parenting thing, but I do want to just get out of their house ASAP, even though I love my friend and by extension her children. I do like the 7 year old, I just can't stand her behaviour, it's like fingers down a chalk board to me! I really try to not let it show but if I saw my friend more with her DD she would probably pick up on the vibe.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/02/2016 21:42

If it is exactly as you say it is then why are you allowing her to do that to your child?

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 21:45

I have a NDN who had 2 dds, both adults and with dcs. Both his dds have had several children, all of them bar one girls.
Apparently, all of the girls have been the quiet, sitting nicely whilst doing some drawing type. The boy just isn't.

Now wo going into the gender issue, my NDN said something quite right. he hsaid that his dgs was a real shock to him (and the rest of the family!) as his behaviour was so different from all the other children (grand chldren and his own dds). He did struggle to 'adapt' to it because it wasn't what he was sued to (ie not good nor bad, just different iyswim)

I suspect your friend has a similar issue on the top of feeling protective of her dd who is been 'walked over' by other children and 'is learning bad behaviour' from them.
There seems to be a lot of insecurity on her side.

And as PP have said also maybe a difference in your parenting, as in what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't.

Rather than cooling the friendship, which looks a bit extreme to me, I would try and see her wo the children. It's all good to talk about ;only the holidays' but don't you think it would actually be harder if you both go there with this frame of mid?

Jesabel · 29/02/2016 21:52

I don't like my friend's young child. I hope neither of them know it though! I try not to make it obvious, and they are not particularly naughty. It's a good friend though so hoping the child will grow to be more likeable...

DrNoHope · 29/02/2016 22:04

Sounds like this 'friend' is bullying your DS,b and the question is, why you're allowing it to has l continue. You need to pull her up on it, and if she's not willing to improve the way she treats a 5 year old child, you need to bail out of the friendship. Your DS is more important than her, and you should prioritise him over her.

RiceCrispieTreats · 29/02/2016 22:04

Your friend is on high alert because of previous interactions with, it sounds like, other children who walk all over her DD. You are upset because you see your boy being treated unfairly. This is all emotional stuff, and you're probably each at the stage where any action is seen through the distorting lens of your particular narrative.

If you think you're both capable of having a constructive heart-to-heart, do that. Otherwise just cut down or end the amount of time you all get together.

StarOnTheTree · 01/03/2016 07:50

She's obviously telling your DS off for things that she doesn't tell her DD off for. I absolutely hate the 'one rule for my child and another for yours' attitude.

I've had a couple of friends like this and one I ended up seeing one of them alone without the kids (her child was very annoying but whatever he did was fine whilst my kids couldn't breath without being told off) and the other I just cooled off from because although the child was really lovely the mum wasn't.

poppetsocks · 01/03/2016 09:34

Your friend is bullying your child, I would ask her what her problem is with him, She sounds like a right cow, no way would I allow anybody to treat my child like that who does she think she is? Tell her you are quite capable of disciplining your own child. I would definitely pull her up on it, you have the same right to stick up for your son as she does for her daughter. Do you ever tell her daughter off and would you feel comfortable doing it? How do you feel your friend would react if you did?

umizoomi · 01/03/2016 11:35

But there ARE stereotypical differences between boys and girls for the most part regardless of parenting, if you looked at a group of reception children boys and girls, my suspicion would be that generally speaking that the girls would be quieter on the whole and less boisterous than the boys. Not all of them obviously, but in general terms.

In fact at school, the headteacher had been monitoring accidents in the playground to reduce them and there are higher incidents of boys in KS1 with bumps and grazes etc, an observation he put down to boys play fighting, playing superhero games and the like, This changes notably in KS2.

Even at nursery, the girls often choose quieter, calmer activities and a thus quieter and calmer.

I would be prepared to bet in a group of 100 kids, 50 boys and 50 girls, that on observation there would be more boisterous boys than girls just based on my observations around school.

I find it a bit Hmmthat everyone on here assumes 'typical' means 'all' and has to shout out 'I have a boy and he is really calm'

umizoomi · 01/03/2016 11:38

Oh and the 'don't copy DS' comment over the milkshake is so passive aggressive it's untrue. Kids slurp milkshake with spoons. Big deal. She might not like the behaviour and that's fine so she should tell her DD not to do it. Whether your DS did it first or not is irrelevant because shock horror, her DD might even do that if your DS wasn't there. 5 year old do stuff adults don't like because they aren't adults.

She sounds a nightmare and she is being unfair to your DS