Friend dislikes my 5 yo

[OhForFrigSake]

Title says it all really. My good friend has a DD the same age as my DS, the problem is that my son can be a bit boisterous and giddy and well, a boy and her daughter is very quiet and not terribly outgoing at all. My DS has a brother and has learned to be assertive whereas her daughter is an only child and is not at all assertive. She is a lovely girl though and DS is genuinely good friends with her, they don't fight and he doesn't pick on her and they have a nice time when they're together with no falling out. We have been on holiday a number of times and the children have always got on great.

The problem is that when we're together friend is constantly 'helicoptering' over the children and monitoring everything they do - almost as if she expects DS to be doing something to her DD. It's like she is policing the relationship.

She is also constantly snapping at DS and telling him off - she is on him in a second. She tells him off far more than she would her DD. He's not an angel and he does mess about a fair bit but he is only 5 and nothing he does is in malice, it's just usually being a bit silly IYKWIM. I do always pull him up on silly behaviour but because my friend is on his back constantly I don't even get chance to. It's really like she can't stand him

I'm not making excuses for my DS but it does really make me feel sad when we're together as he is always getting told off, even when he's not really doing anything 'telling off worthy.' If her DD does something 'naughty' she even blames DS there saying she's copying - that she must have got it from DS.

I feel really sad. I do think DS is more boisterous than her DD and whilst He can be annoying, she could just leave it to me to tell him off and get off his back a bit and let the children play - because they do play lovely together when she is not policing everything. I really feel like not seeing them as it just makes me feel so depressed.

Eh? Pre pubescent children have sex hormones and I believe baby boys typically have a surge of testosterone shortly after birth which peaks at around 6 months. Or something. Which goes some way (some think) in explaining innate differences in choice of play in many boys and girls. I am reading the thread. And chimps

Ok, another example of his bad behaviour. Children are sat together watching a sweetie review thing on an iPad. DD goes 'disgusting!!' And my DS says 'ugh it's gooey', she'd say 'DS, can you just be quiet please.'

Just remembered this from while we were away!

Argh! She sounds horrid!

Or we were sat in a cafe and both DD and DS were using the spoon that came with their milkshake to drink it, she said 'DD, don't copy DS' even though they were both doing it, IYSWIM.

For what it's worth, I took the spoon off him but was dealing with my other DS so missed them start to do this. I agree, it's annoying before anyone steps in but they were BOTH being annoying as far as I could tell, not just DS.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I find some kids annoying. Just like I find some adults annoying. I am not rude to them like your friend is, and I'd never admit it, but I will behave differently, e.g. suggest we meet at the park rather than my house.

I have a girl who was generally quiet and gentle as a toddler/small child. I found noisy and boisterous children overwhelming. But I'd never be rude.

Ok - reading back I agree the basic issue of this thread is a) that the devil's in the detail of what is actually happening, which we can't see b) people have legimately got different standards about 'normal'. Like I just wouldn't really care about my kids tapping their knife, but fair play, some people do.

Op, it sounds like quite a rift, so in your shoes I'd either avoid seeing her with your kids together or talk it through in a non confrontational way. The other thing is that time may just solve this all on its own - the dynamic might be wildly different in two years

Both kids sound super cute. She should leave them to being little friends and little people. Who corrects a kid for eating a milkshake with a spoon

She sounds mean. Your ds doesn't deserve to be exposed to adults that blatantly don't like him, so either tail off the time you spend together or bite the bullet and bring it up with her.

i took the spoon off him but was dealing with my other DS so missed them start to do this.

But you are certain your son wasn't doing to first so your friend was out of order for telling her dd to stop copying him?

Thanks crazy head. Well I guess that we've all agreed that IANBU to step back a little from this friendship - whether if that's because my DS is a little shit as some posters clearly think, or because she's being unfair. Either way, it will cause her less stress (and me too) not to keep putting her in that situation. She clearly cannot stand him so it's probably better if we don't see each other as much. High days and holidays perhaps?

Very for the children though. DS is like a brother/ cousin to her DD who is an only child so I suspect they'll really miss each other.

Even if she was copying him - so? When my ds is playing with another child and they are both getting silly, no matter who started it, I tell them both to stop. If they start with 'he started it' whinging I say I am not interested in that but I want them both to stop now. Reinforcing the he started it nonsense isn't helpful as it's almost always 50/50 anyway. Most parents of more than one child get that, maybe because she's an only she doesn't.

She sounds like an absolute cow. The fact that the mutual friend saw it says it all. Your ds sounds perfectly fine and she is doing her dd no favours, in fact it looks like her dd is losing the chance to meet up with a good friend.

I am not sure exactly what's going on in your situation. I cut right back on the frequency of playdates with my DCs and my best friend's child because her child is manipulative and can be malicious. I tried to open a gentle dialogue several times and it was well received but there were always excuses for the behaviour. Now my friend's child is having serious issues with behaviour at school, and school has recommended a parenting course...but now according to my friend the school is at fault.

I'm ashamed to say I find it difficult to really warm to her DC. I feel guilty as they aren't even 7 yet and I try to appear impartial and kind. I think I manage it but the reality is that I find them being here almost intolerable.

Op, I had two friends with daughters both the same age and we used to all get together regularly with my ds. The two girls were very different personalities one quiet as a mouse the other more like my ds - boisterous. The other two mum ended up having a massive fallout that ended their friendship. The mum of the quiet dd thought that that mum of the boisterous dd didn't discipline her child and felt that her dd was in real danger of being hurt. The mum of the boisterous dd did discipline her child for any unacceptable behaviour - I was witness to it. However I think what ruined it in the end was the mum of the quiet dd was on tenterhooks the whole time of the meeting in case something happened - such as pulling her about a bit etc. the mum exploded one last time at a softplay and walked out and sadly the friendship ended and we never got back together for our meet ups.

What I am trying to say is, I am sure you are discipline your child as you say. just in her eyes your idea of discipline is not the same as hers. You could try and discuss it perhaps if you think it might save the friendship .

I don't think your son sounds like a little shit, but I don't think our expectations of behaviour would be compatible. I have experience of people explaining behaviour away as boys will be boys. That's a parenting issue, not a child issue.

Have you actually tried talking to your friend about this?

No, we haven't spoken about this. It's become so big in my head now that I don't know how to do it without it sounding really defensive because she genuinely seems to dislike the child, rather than the behaviour if you see what I mean.

OP I wrote a thread exactly like this a couple of months ago - maybe that's why some posters think this is a repeat?

Our children are 2yo though.

DS is more boisterous, louder, always on the move, whereas friend's DD is quiet, sits still, very chilled. DS does not hit, kick, push, bully in any way, BUT I think he does make my friends DD nervous just by being loud etc. Fine, I get that DD doesn't like DS. Friend and I don't meet up individually with the kids but we do in a group so the kids do see each other now and then.

I get that she maybe needs to make sure that her DD is happy and comfortable whilst around DS, because I think he makes her nervous. BUT her attitude towards my DS stinks. Last time she openly ridiculed DS. That's not on.

I understand where you are coming from, I often get comments from people saying DS is a 'typical boy'. I know what they mean.

I've cooked things with my friend, I not see her as part of a group now, can't be bothered with her otherwise as I think she is the one who needs her behaviour checked, rather than my DS. A grown up being nasty to a child? No thanks, I'm out.

Often parents of quiet children seem to think that boisterous children act that way due to a lack of parenting. As a parent of one quiet and one more boisterous child oh how I laugh at their naivity. Boisterous does not always mean badly behaved just as quiet doesn't always mean well behaved.

As an example my ds at a party will get stuck in to all activities, wait his turn, join in singing etc. My friends ds will cry, refuse to take part, be rude to the host, refuse to play with the party boy etc. He is a quiet sensitive boy. They are children, they are all different and I haven't met a perfect one yet. Apart from mine of course.

*cooled not cooked!

*only, not not

I've just seen the sweetie video and spoon updates. I'd have to say something or cool it off.

Years ago I was in a similar situation but I was the mother of the girl.

My friends boy was really quite badly behaved, would be violent to dd for no reason. Like literally run across the room, slam into her and send her flying. I never told the boy off as his parents were there and I didn't see it as my place. I think I probably said the odd thing like "can you be careful, you've hurt dd" , or maybe "that wasn't very nice" but never a proper telling off and believe me I had to bite my lip!

His parents were always telling him "if you do thag again we will have to leave" but then when he did it again they didn't leave. So he knew he could do what he wanted with no consequence. His parents seemed to think my dd was being a wuss when she was crying and should just put up with it. I'm sure they probably just thought he "was being a boy" . I thought he was a pain in the arse!

We stopped seeing them so much. Kids are teenagers now and he's a lovely boy!

I have one quiet child and one louder, more active one. It's not parenting but personality and character that makes the difference.

The parenting issue comes into the way it is managed or explained/not explained away