Relate and abusive relationships

[diege]

So, to keep it brief, my emotionally abusive husband has booked us into Relate for couples counselling. I KNOW from my Lundy Bancroft reading that this is only going to 'tighten the nut' but as he seems so adamant what would be the benefits of going? (for me now, not the relationship) Would Relate spot it and see it or tell me I need to work in the relationship dynamics myself?

Thank you; wise words foolonthehill. He is going through a 'mr reasonable' stage at the moment and I nearly caught myself slipping and thinking, actually is it me interpreting things wrongly?. I say nearly (I know better) bur can see how easy it is to start to think it's me and not him (as he has consistently told me over the last year or so).

To update, I refused to go so he's going on his own (tonight). Not sure what nuggets of wisdom he's going to come back with....I'm sure he will have all the answers though

Best of luck OP. I'm not terribly optimistic about this.

I'm sure he will come home and tell you that the counsellor says it's all your fault.

He's not back yet...Feeling stupidly nervous...

Please try not to worry , it's his counselling session, it's nothing to do with you.

If I were you I wouldn't even listen to what he tells you, I'd say something like " it's your session to help you , it shoud be confidential between you and your counsellor, I wouldn't want to intrude "

I hope you are ok, diege. My husband is off to see his therapist today. All that seems to come home is more really babyish tantrums, total lack of insight and general rubbish. I have spoken to the dcs' schools. DD is very, very rude to me and when I tell her it hurts she calls me stupid. I have told her that this behaviour is not acceptable. Relate and other marriage guidance have been shite.

I ended up going to bed before he got back, and a super early work start has meant that I haven't had a chance to hear what went on yet....Feel like burying my head in the sand but suppose I should ask...

Ermm, I couldn't disagree with pp more! I was in an abusive relationship and naively thought that by going to Relate I could help him to get better.and make him see sense!! Our first session involved separately filling out a questionnaire about our behaviour, our experiences of being together, etc. four pages long and a detailed multiple choice. Once completed individually the counsellor read them and called us in to the room. She stated that we were unable to be counselled as a couple because of the abuse we had both disclosed on our separate questionnaires. It was deemed unsafe, primarily for me, to receive couples counselling whilst still living together. She told us it was against Relate protocol for us to have joint counselling whilst the relationship was abusive and we were living together. It was too dangerous and counterproductive. They would only work with us if we lived apart. She sent him off with a leaflet on Anger Management and told me to return when he had left he family home. She was bloody brilliant. We did split. I returned for individual counselling which supported me enormously through our split and subsequent divorce. He never did go to anger management.... Don't knock Relate. You may find it supports you as well as it did me.

Can I add that Relate helped me in a far more practical sense of establishing boundaries for all my relationships. I have attachment issues and have had other forms of therapy including psychoanalysis and psychotherapy. Since working on my relationship boundaries with Relate I have seen a real improvement in my life. It is also less costly than some other therapies. Don't go because he says so. Tell him to fuck off and go alone. He needs anger management and you need to escape! Look at the Freedom Programme online. PM me if you want. Good luck

You were lucky Luioli! You were fortunate that you were both honest enough and that you were asked to give such a lot of detail. My experience was not the same. I also think that it is difficult to understand abuse. It can be hard to accept that it is happening, it can feel shameful, it can feel desperately lonely, and amongst all of this there is denial. I guess it's not that surprising that Relate doesn't deal with abuse, but most of the time they're not looking for it and don't ask. And it's very hard to articulate when you're not beaten black and blue and just feel desperately uncomfortable and you don't know why.

Good post Easy; your situation sounds very stressful.
Luioli, your experience does sound good. Sadly as others have said (and friends i've spoken to too) I think you were lucky. I'm glad you had a positive outcome