Relate and abusive relationships

[diege]

So, to keep it brief, my emotionally abusive husband has booked us into Relate for couples counselling. I KNOW from my Lundy Bancroft reading that this is only going to 'tighten the nut' but as he seems so adamant what would be the benefits of going? (for me now, not the relationship) Would Relate spot it and see it or tell me I need to work in the relationship dynamics myself?

X couldn't even keep up the tearful, loving facade for the sessions and was shouting at me to commit to a percentage of how often I am 'wrong' (to detract from a discussion about how him shoving me and calling me a cunt was not acceptable) and she was encouraging me also to answer his rapid fire, Impossible, yes or no questions. Then told me I needed to learn how not to wind him up in conversations leading up to him 'snapping'. Ground rules for me set by him and the counsellor: don't talk and ramble on and on all the time, answer yes or no to his (back me into a corner, no right answer) questions and no elaboration, and just leave the room if he is in my face swearing. Despite having just recounted to her how he follows me from room to room becoming progressively more enraged, how when I would sit behind the door to stop him coming in because I was scared of him he would force entry, and would then be violent. But I had to accept a percentage of the blame for winding him up...

Look

That "counsellor" shouldn't be practising. Absolutely shameful.

But Emma there are hundreds, if not thousands of them all over the country. Even now

And they give evidence to the courts sometimes! Abused women have children put in their abuser's care because of people like this. They are useless, to the extent that they take people at face value. If someone is two (or more) faced, they accept the 'Angel' presented to them

Anotheremma I know. You can imagine his delight when we got home. He had told me all along it was my fault, now the counsellor had verified it, it's all about my issues, my thinking is skewed etc etc etc. I was going to leave him but stayed longer, because for a while it made me believe that it WAS my fault.

There should definitely be a Dispatches or other exposé. It's appalling

However, on a positive note I know that Women's Aid are doing a campaign atm about the issue of courts allowing abusive fathers to have unsupervised contact with their children. Hopefully that might make a bit of a difference.

I had an awful experience at Relate.
The first session was good for me, I had a chance to finally let out some of my emotions and to say some of the things that my partner had done to upset me over the years. They told my partner he was being abusive and he did step down the shouting and swearing for a few weeks after the appointment.
But, from then on I felt MUCH worse as a result of the counselling.
Basically, they tried to shut off the only escape route I felt I had from him and the emotional torment he puts me through. I was supposed to stop doing anything that made him angry - in essence, to be a biddable vegetable and not try to change anything about my life. If I did make him angry, (i.e. talk to him or try to be myself), he was to leave the house for an hour at least, or until he had calmed down.
The counsellor did eventually see that perhaps this wasn't such a good idea and told me to see Women's Aid instead.

Actually, thinking about it, the first appointment was better than I described. He went very quiet for a day or two and then apologised to me for some of his behaviour.
It was the only time in 11 years that I have ever heard him say sorry to anyone for anything.

Great thread and so insightful to ask this question. Same situation. I went and counsellor ate out of his hand. It was sickening. I thought that a counsellor would be trained to see through emotional abuse!

Still building up to telling him I'm not going to Relate...I know it will make things worse if i went plus totally validate his perspective. Of course me not going will do that too in the sense of reinforcing his belief that my reactions to his behaviour are the cause of the problem. They actually have a section on the Relate website on emotional abuse but seems like its rarely incorporated into sessions! I feel so sad reading some of these stories.

Diege it sounds like you are step by step removing yourself. Well done. It takes such strength and courage. Particularly when all around you are blind to what is happening. Remember, you are not imagining, or exaggerating.

We have had 3 rounds of Relate over the years. 2 women. 1 man. All equally useless. Husband simply trotted out his show pony and performed. And got validated for being SO reasonable when I lost my temper with his performances.
More recently, we have been engaged with a couples counsellor who allegedly was a specialist in his particular difficulty. After several months of me being put under the spotlight by her and having to listen to how well he was doing, I called it quits. Fortunately I was also seeing a counsellor on my own who helped me to keep it all together and see that the couples counsellor really didn't have a scooby. And that it wasn't me.

Wouldn't recommend Relate for anything more serious than 'he puts balled up socks in the laundry basket'.

Shrubbery At least the counsellor recognised the fact that he was abusive straight away. However, they should have referred you to Women's Aid at that point. I can't imagine how or why they thought they would be able to fix it!

To update, his sister us coming up from London tonight to 'see how she can help', oh joy....She has always deferred to his opinions, tiptoed around his moods etc, and I think he has lined her up to babysit for the doomed Relate session....Better bite the bullet tonight and say I'm not going...

Oh dear. Hope that goes well. He will already be plotting his domination over the Relate session!

The problem with Relate counsellors is they only have very minimal training. They are not fully trained psychotherapists!

Op, don't bother going for counselling unless you intend to announce your intention to divorce in the session (which is what I did then walked out of the session which left my argumentative ex and the counsellor speechless!). Anything else will be a complete waste of your time.

OMG I had no idea you could be a Relate counsellor without being a proper qualified psychotherapist!

No bloody wonder so many of them seem unable to see beyond what's on the face of a situation.

We had horrendous joint sessions with a Relate counsellor. STBXH saved up all his complaints about me from the week and then spent the hour regaling us with them. She was a waste of space. When I told STBXH that I was getting absolutely nothing out of the sessions, he very kindly told the counsellor that I didn't feel I was getting to speak so she did how can I help you with that? Me

Another Relate counsellor listened to STBXH say how he wanted our relationship to be like Y and that I had replied I didn't want that. She said that I had then stayed in the relationship so of course he assumed I agreed with Y. But I explained that I'd clearly said I didn't want that. Somehow his statement was more important than mine

BUT I had individual counselling with Relate and it was excellent. I really couldn't praise the counsellor highly enough. She was completely clued up on EA.

Sorry OP I've just ranted on your thread but really I wanted to make the point that I found individual counselling very helpful.

I think the training includes counselling courses etc but not at the same level as a fully trained therapist. Hopefully, someone on MN can tell us exactly how qualified relate counsellors are

I searched Relate jobs. Looks like you can work for them with no couple counselling experience as they give you extra training!

www.relate.org.uk/about-us/work-us/jobs/experienced-counsellors-london

Have you actually decided to end this relationship? And does he know this, and is trying to persuade you to stay? Or does he think you want to make a go of it, while you are quietly making plans to leave?

If it's the first thing, then you can tell him you're not going to joint counselling or joint anything else with him because you no longer want to be in this relationship and have no wish to 'make things work'.

If it's the second thing, then just fob off and delay until you're ready. 'Yes I think counselling's a marvellous idea, but I'd like to go alone to work on myself first, and I'd like to arrange that myself. Perhaps after that we could do joint...'

Either way, I'd avoid putting yourself in a situation where your emotionally abusive husband can get any more validation than he already gives himself!

I agree with fantastic . You know all the issues that he says you have ? Just tell him you want to go on your own first to work on them . Eg problems from your childhood that are creating problems in your marriage

It doesn't matter if it's bollocks , if you just want to buy time

Good advice, thank you
That's a very good question Fantastic. He knows I'm not happy and that I am fully aware of the EA nature of our relationship (which he denies, natch). He is desperate for reassurance that things can get better (hence the Relate) but I am emotionally distancing myself as the constant months (years?) of controlling behaviour have just left me numb. So yes, I am planning to leave and am slowly getting things into place but need time to get things sorted. Its a horrible, stomach churning place to be in but I feel better for planning.

I have seen many Relate councellors. And there has always been the elephant in the room re. my husband's behaviour. We saw one person who should be composted. She absolutely took my husband's side, slagging me off in front of me and then blaming me for being angry. Although I am by no means perfect, I do not hit my husband when I don't share his opinion, and neither do I call him a cunt. I do not openly despise his family or blame all his ishooos on his upbringing. Nor do I sulk for Britain and blame him. We are living more separate lives just for the past week so far and it is so much better. I do not want him in my bedroom and this morning told him, no he can't use my room to get dressed in. He can bloody well move the chest of drawers. At the same time, I have devised a kind of timetable so all of us can share things like cooking and cleaning and looking after the animals. Our family is horribly dysfunctional.

Totally agree with telling your exH you both need to go to individual counselling to "prepare the way" (and get out before it gets to the joint counselling).

I had a mixed relationship with Relate in that they spotted the fact that exH was abusive (not that hard) but were coy about calling it. We had a few joint sessions and were told quite abruptly that they couldn't help us. And that's it. I didn't know where to turn next.

Later on, I emailed them about an incident with my exH, and the online responder suggested that I think about whether he might be abusive and sent me some links. At the time I wasn't ready to hear it.

It took going to some individual counselling (not from Relate - a general counselling service offered through my employer) to get insight and to be given the contacts I needed to make the break.

I think Relate are just well known. It doesn't mean they are the best. It's the same with a lot of things. The best known get recommended when it's not that particular company or brand which is good, it's the product or service which is good, whether it's relationship counselling, baby slings, antenatal classes, bagless vacuums, etc. Somebody wants to try one and the only one they've heard of is this big name so they go, have a positive experience (which they probably would have had at any company offering the same service) and chalk it up to the brand or company being good rather than whatever they were offering being good.

And then because they had a good experience they (fairly) talk about it and the company gains a good reputation. But nobody really picks up on the fact that small company X or independent Y offers a much better version of what this well known brand offers because any time someone asks for advice they are inundated with experiences from the well known brand and maybe one or two endorsements of the smaller ones. The person seeking reviews takes from this that the well known one is obviously better as they have 30+ good reviews whereas this little independent only has one.

I get slightly frustrated by it because it seems to happen in a lot of areas! Yes perhaps a well known company do deserve kudos for being one of the first established but I wish people wouldn't judge objectively without saying look, I haven't tried any others.

when you are with an abuser they will use any scenario to further the abuse and any excuse to make you feel it is you not them.

You can't change them,

they almost never see that you were ever reasonable

they only see the world through their own ego

they only appear reasonable to further manipulate you or someone else.

try very very hard not to worry about what he thinks about you (you can't change it the script is written), or what he will say about you, (people will see/believe what they want to see/believe), concentrate on getting yourself out and happy and on the people who matter to you and who will support you (not always predictable.....I know).

Relate were rubbish for me too and saw none of the abuse....BUT later I saw what he had done in the sessions and it fuelled my fire to get out as i understood that he never actually wanted to fix himself or the marriage, only manipulate the situation and me.