Relate and abusive relationships

[diege]

So, to keep it brief, my emotionally abusive husband has booked us into Relate for couples counselling. I KNOW from my Lundy Bancroft reading that this is only going to 'tighten the nut' but as he seems so adamant what would be the benefits of going? (for me now, not the relationship) Would Relate spot it and see it or tell me I need to work in the relationship dynamics myself?

diege the worst counseling I have had in my whole life was from Relate. My XH was PA (I unfortunately hadn't worked that out at the time of the sessions) and turned on the charm for the useless Relate woman. She fell for it, agreed that I was emotionally unstable whilst he was a splendid chap, and I endured some very nasty sessions where I felt ganged up on. I really don't think that she was very skilled, as she suddenly announced during one session that it was the final one. Having done a tiny bit of basic training myself, and seen other people since, I know that you should always prepare the subject (wrong word?) by discussing ending the process, and letting them know the next session will be the final one.

If you want to try joint counselling, I would look for a provider other than Relate.

Marchate has nailed it.Two against one, exactly. I was bullied by both of them, it was horrible. I was totally discredited even when he admitted hitting me, isolating me and trying to damage my relationship with my children.

Yet she never once criticised ex. It was so odd.

Leaf - odd but sadly too common. I think it's because they believe everyone is reasonable and decent

We should start a new relationships counselling service, staffed only by cynics

Hope you all complained to Relate about these shit "counsellors".

I've had a good experience with Relate but that's because we have a good relationship to start with - no abuse, just an issue we wanted a bit of help to work on. And I think we got lucky with our counsellor, he was good. Years later we recommended Relate to some friends who got a counsellor who was awful and I felt terrible! But they asked to change and the other counsellor they saw was much better, thankfully.

Anyway, all that is beside the point when it comes to abusive relationships. But I would like to hope that people are complaining when they get such shit "counselling".

Emma I didn't because DD was less than a year old, I was a sleep-deprived wreck and I also had PND. I also didn't realise quite how shit unsatisfactory the Relate woman was until I had some more skilled counselling a few years later. I just advise people never to go to Relate, and it seems that I'm not alone in that.

I think I'm going to have to tell him i'm not going. The thought of going through a scenario such as has been described here and the Lundy book is worse than having it out here. He keeps coming back in discussions to wanting to resolve things, to get things 'back on an even keel'. I've said this will involve him taking responsibility for being controlling, but I know he won't. He's said he couldn't live without me and the children but I am quite clear that I can't live in a controlling relationship.

He'll live just fine. He'll find someone else to control - not necessarily a new partner. Anyone will do

If he does find a partner again he will be able to say My wife didn't understand me. She wouldn't even go to couple counselling. And depending on the poor woman's experience, she will either run a mile, or lap it up and think she can help him

The usual scenario!

Just like The Victim abuser profile Marchate!

Yes indeed. You could write the script for him!!

The amazing thing is how unoriginal they all are. Follow the script.

My STBXH fitted the Drill Sergeant profile to a tee. It was terrifying at times. Still can be. God knows how long it'll take me to recover.

I think you're on the right lines OP. Detach, educate yourself about his tactics, get free.

It's crazy isn't it? It amazes me how similar they are. If more people just educated themselves about abuse then they are so so easy to spot. But people don't bother unless they have been a victim of it, and sometimes not even then. It's so bizarre and such a waste of time.

I sneak my Lundy book out like a dirty mag on the train on the way to work every day...It has helped so much but is also very hard to read (I alternate with Justine Picoult ). If I didn't have children I wouldn't still be at the planning stage, but things are coming together. A plan (and mumsnet and my female friends) has been so important emotionally for me.

You'll be fine diege

I hope so. I'm feeling very churned up and anxious a lot of the time but planning ahead is very calming.

You can do this, diege. You are arming yourself with knowledge, strengthening your sense that this is not right and that you don't deserve this treatment, and making a plan. Well done. It's not easy, either practically or emotionally, but you will get through this and come out the other side.

(another voice here saying don't do relationship counselling with an abusive partner: in my case too it made things worse before I left and could start work on making things better, away from the abuse.)

Thank you . The support on this thread means a lot.

Jean I realise now that my post could be interpreted as "telling off" anyone who didn't complain, and I apologise. I do understand that you might not realise just how shit it was until you got proper counselling later.. And giving detailed feedback to Relate is probably not top of anyone's priority list when they're dealing with an abusive partner! I just think it's terrible that their counsellors can be so awful

On reflection I think it's up to Relate to make sure the counsellor are properly trained, especially when it comes to recognising abuse.

If i had a penny for every post ive seen on here in my five years as an MNer about how some Relate counsellors enable abusers i would have enough to go on an expensive spa weekend.

Its about time Dispatches did some undercover filming using an actor and actress pretending to be a couple because this is very very bad.

Oh dear. I just assumed Relate were the best. Two different GPs recommended Relate to me.

I must have been very lucky when I went to relate with stbx She recognised what was going on when he was describing my behavior and how I never listen and do what I'm told etc She said seem controlling and gave him a leaflet for Respect and suggested he gave them a call He went nuts and said you're saying I'm abusive I'm not I'd never hit a woman She said you don't have to be violent to be abusive

They were crap 40 years ago and it sounds as if in many instances they still are. I suppose GPs don't know what else to recommend. Not good enough.

I saw a very experienced elderly couple counsellor and she equally failed to call it at all. It was very traumatic and ex loved it. Couples counsellors usually work systemically and so they often don't consider at all that one partner might actually be a psychopath, personality disordered or just plain abusive.

Don't worry, Emma, I didn't take it that way at all

I truly didn't realise quite how useless the Relate counsellor was until I had counselling as my marriage broke up. Looking back, XH never really engaged with the Relate process; he never got angry or upset and she wasn't skilled enough to spot this and challenge him. XH just paid lip service to the whole idea. Whereas the truly awesome counsellor I saw whilst getting divorced challenged my thinking - one of the first things he did was to make me write a list of all the things I no longer had to do for STBXH. That got me to stop behaving like a wife pretty damn quickly

Similar experience albeit with a private, allegedly very experienced, counsellor. It makes me so angry to hear that there are so many victims of PA and EA who have had this experience. How many women must have stayed in their relationships as a result and accepted that everything must be their fault because it's all been ratified by a counsellor? Yes to PP who mentioned Dispatches!