Affluent sister about to marry younger DP who had EA 2 years ago

[alloveragainandagain]

Keen to get some outside perspective as my sister is potentially about to do something she may live to regret.

She has been with DP 5 years and is about to get married. She is late 40s, he is early 30s. She is a very high earner with assets, he is a recent high earner with no assets. They got together when he was not earning much.

2 years ago he had an EA (he confessed, but she also hired someone to find out the details after he confessed to ensure he was telling the truth) and there was a level of physical closeness with the OW, but it didn't get to sex. He conducted the EA in a fairly public way, knowing the risk of my sister finding out would be minimal. The EA lasted about 6 months and he discussed leaving my sister for the OW. He didn't leave, and they went NC. My understanding is that the OW is younger than him.

My sister's DP is a very attractive, intelligent and introverted man. None of us thought he would do something like this. He is very caring and can be a real gentleman.

I have found out through the grapevine that he is back in touch with the OW through a coincidence running into each other at a work function. This happened about a year ago (so 1 year after his EA), but it seems that they still have the occasional conversation when they bump into each other.

I want to tell my sister what I know, however I am concerned I may be reading too much into this. Is it really unreasonable to have expected him to remain completely NC with OW? Do people ever really maintain cordial friendships with OW after its all over?

If you are genuinely concerned that he is after her money, then you should tell your sister that, although she may not thank you for it. You should also seek legal advice about your linked finances.

I presume he does not know.

Separating financial affairs will be very difficult for a number of reasons and will almost certainly cause fallout within the wider family.

That being said, I have my own situation and I need my finances to be accessible to me in case events take a turn within my own household.

"I am very old school"
What on earth does that mean?

"The agreements/investments I have with her, of which there are many, some are in her name solely and vice versa."
Massive alarm bells. You absolutely need to sort this BEFORE she gets married. Draw up a list of all the investments and take them to a financial adviser or solicitor. Maybe agree a fair split so that you each get half in your own names.

You really need to separate your finances from her before she ties her finances with a money-obsessed cheat!

I mean, who on earth could fancy and love a woman in her late 40s

Presumably not a man who is having an affair with someone else.

And who is open about his materialism.

As for him barely knowing the woman he had a 6 month affair with (that appears to be ongoing 2 years later, just better hidden)?

He was planning to leave your sister for this woman.

Why didn't he?

Because he chose her money and the lifestyle that afforded him.

That doesn't mean he stopped caring about his mistress. Or that he stopped seeing her.

Cross posts.

"Separating financial affairs will be very difficult for a number of reasons and will almost certainly cause fallout within the wider family."

Why? But also, so what? Do it anyway. As you say, you need access to your own investments.

I don't think he is cheating again with the OW. The more I think about it, the more I think he won't be cheating again (at least with that particular OW). They have been non-NC for a year, and nothing appears to have happened based on the interactions I witnessed and what people have said when I enquired.

He is open with his materialism. And he did cheat. Those are facts.

I don't know why he didn't leave. But I do believe he loves the lifestyle as well as loving her. Hard to give that combination up no matter how tempting the OW may be.

He can care about her, but he better not act on it.

I am extremely reluctant to proceed with separating myself financially from her. I guess sub consciously what I was hoping for was for her to reconsider a pre nup.

Not sure whether to be amused or depressed at your naivety at thinking that if you don't know about any sex or cheating he can't possibly be doing it. If he does it again (now or in the future) he'll just get better at hiding it.

You can't make her get a pre nup, that's up to her and her fiancé. The only thing you can (and should) do is protect yourself.

You are far too interested in your investments invested.

Sort out your own finances and I think you have been given your cue to keep out of your sister's relationship

Of course you don't want to separate financially from your loaded sister. You are not sounding much better than this other gold digger, tbh

AnyFucker What on earth is wrong with being concerned about your own investments?!

But I agree there are blurred boundaries here. OP, because you're financially tied to your sister, you want a say in her relationship, but it doesn't work like that. You need to put safe boundaries in place on both fronts.

hard give that combination up no matter how tempting the OW may be

Of course, once he's been married a few years he can have both.

He just needs to bide his time and keep his affair quieter than when he was planning to leave for her.

He's only early 30s and she's even younger, so they're in no rush.

There will be no pre-nup.

You need to presume that this marriage will end in divorce and protect yourself from any fallout.

Because you already know he'll fight hard for every penny.

Of course op should protect her own investments. But not by meddling in her sister's relationship. She sounds like a fucking shitstirrer to me (and you know how much I hate users and unfaithful men).

Butt out, OP. I don't think your sister wants or needs your "help"

I think "fucking shitstirrer" is harsh and unfounded based on the fact that the OP was reluctant to say anything and posted here to ask for advice. If she was a "shit stirrer" I think the tone would have been very different.

I might be wrong but I think it's more a case of blurred boundaries. A bit of financial self interest, too, but not malice.

fucking shitstirrer

That's a rather abusive term

I do agree that you have done what you can and I think you should now invest energy intro protecting your investments - you clearly (understandably) don't trust him

Your sister does not seem to want to hear

So your o it option is to get some legal advice for your own assets ??

Obviously you are aware that any of your money or investments that are in your sister 's name will now potentially be co-owned by her DH to be.

Why are some of your investments 'in her name'?

wild speculation: Perhaps OP is married and has been seeking to hide assets from her H!

But if stuff is in someone's name surely it's legally theirs? Hence Op's concern about her sister marrying.