Affluent sister about to marry younger DP who had EA 2 years ago

[alloveragainandagain]

Keen to get some outside perspective as my sister is potentially about to do something she may live to regret.

She has been with DP 5 years and is about to get married. She is late 40s, he is early 30s. She is a very high earner with assets, he is a recent high earner with no assets. They got together when he was not earning much.

2 years ago he had an EA (he confessed, but she also hired someone to find out the details after he confessed to ensure he was telling the truth) and there was a level of physical closeness with the OW, but it didn't get to sex. He conducted the EA in a fairly public way, knowing the risk of my sister finding out would be minimal. The EA lasted about 6 months and he discussed leaving my sister for the OW. He didn't leave, and they went NC. My understanding is that the OW is younger than him.

My sister's DP is a very attractive, intelligent and introverted man. None of us thought he would do something like this. He is very caring and can be a real gentleman.

I have found out through the grapevine that he is back in touch with the OW through a coincidence running into each other at a work function. This happened about a year ago (so 1 year after his EA), but it seems that they still have the occasional conversation when they bump into each other.

I want to tell my sister what I know, however I am concerned I may be reading too much into this. Is it really unreasonable to have expected him to remain completely NC with OW? Do people ever really maintain cordial friendships with OW after its all over?

Ok I don't think his crime is a big one! But just by these meetings in the street there is always a danger of it restarting. You never know he may well have already told your sister

I doubt she will cancel her wedding based on your knowledge

Who told you? The woman's friend?

Any I would assume the reference to affluence was to indicate not so DP's motives in staying with OP's sister were maybe due to financial reasons, rather than just out of love.

Elf, I agree with you here, what makes me nervous is that just after they went NC, he would literally walk past her and say nothing. I saw that with my own eyes. So what has changed now that makes it ok for them to stop and chat?

There is no doubt he loves money. He has made no secret of that. He has expensive taste.

You should definitely tell her what you know, and let her choose what to do with that information.

I'm inclined to say tell. It puts your sister in the driving seat, which is where you want her.

She can make as much or as little of it as she likes. It sounds like she needs to reassert her expectations a little.

He will love your sister's money even more than his own, in that case. Because it comes to him with little effort. Well, he has to cover up relationships with younger women, but that's worth doing for a share of your sister's money

I would want to know if it were me.

How do I phrase this to her?

The facts are that I saw them talking outside recently. This led me to enquire amongst acquaintances at which point I found out they bumped into each other a year ago at a work/industry function and that is when the NC ended.

Nothing untoward seems to have happened, but I am nervous. Call it a hunch, but the talking outside I witnessed, I could sense the desire...at least from the OW side.

So what has changed now that makes it ok for them to stop and chat?

That his meal ticket has started trusting him again so he doesn't have to try so hard?

Tell her the facts about what you've seen and heard. Try and stay as neutral as possible in the way you phrase it. Don't try and make hypothetical suggestions to explain, minimise or exaggerate it.

And tell her ASAP. If the wedding is in 5 weeks she needs as much thinking time as possible. I think she would be wise to go back to the private investigator and get them to look into it again.

Who told you? do you trust them? Because if other people 'the grapevine' are aware enough that someone told you, there's possibly more to it. Or people are being suspicious and gossipy. But you know the people involved the most, so think about that.

Also - can you ask your DSis how she would feel if she knew he was chatting to the OW again? Maybe she knows, and is OK with it. If it is just stopping for a quick chat in the street if they see each other. If it's a 'oh look, what a surprise. Never thought I'd see you here' at our pre-arranged meeting and then going for coffee for several hours, and he then lies about it to your DSis, that's obviously very different.

I would tell you sister so she can make her decision. You must stay very factual about things you actually know. Telling her things like you sensed desire are not going to be helpful. Tell her you felt you had to tell her the facts but you will of course help and support her no matter what her decision is.

Agree with AnotherEmma.

Tell her the facts, in a neutral way, without imparting in such a way as to make it clear what your opinions of him are.

Tell her. If she's the type to hire a detective (and good for her) then she should be able to cope with you discussing it with her. Far, far better for her to think about it now than later.

I trust my sources. The issue is that he conducted the affair the first time round in a very public way, so it's not hard to find details.

Ok I am thinking of saying something like this:

Sis, sorry for being distant the last few days, but I have been thinking of what to do. It is probably nothing, but I saw your DP talking to OW. They ran into each other at the platform. They were not talking for long, maybe 5 minutes or so. Has he mentioned her at all?

I think you should tell her in person or over the phone. Were you planning to send an email or text? I'm not sure about saying "it's probably nothing", that's conjecture not facts - but I realise you want to soften the blow.

I think your plan is exactly right. Neutral, conversation has natural exit points if she already knows etc, if not, lets your reveal the full extent of your knowledge if she reacts horrified etc.

I think you should mention the other stuff too, not just the platform bit, which is too easily explained away as a one off oops, bumped into her by accident thing.

Yes, you need to tell her all of this:

"The facts are that I saw them talking outside recently. This led me to enquire amongst acquaintances at which point I found out they bumped into each other a year ago at a work/industry function and that is when the NC ended."

Including who you asked and what they said, in their own words.

I have mentioned it to my sister. Interesting conversation.

They appear to have never really discussed his affair. There was no agreement to do NC with the OW as he had already chosen my sister.

She is not phased by the fact they stop and talk when they pass each other.

There was no agreement to do NC with the OW as he had already chosen my sister's money

That may be the case. But the OW isn't exactly broke. So it's hard for my sister/anyone to say explicitly he chose the money.

She revealed some further details of the affair. Not only did he conduct it publicly, he was inviting the OW out with his friends (I don't think she has met this particular set).

He also revealed some very personal insecurities to the OW. Very confusing given he barely knew her.

Not sure what to make of this, but as my sister said, this happened 2 years ago. A very long time ago.