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Original poster

Affluent sister about to marry younger DP who had EA 2 years ago

94 replies

alloveragainandagain · 25/02/2016 15:02

Keen to get some outside perspective as my sister is potentially about to do something she may live to regret.

She has been with DP 5 years and is about to get married. She is late 40s, he is early 30s. She is a very high earner with assets, he is a recent high earner with no assets. They got together when he was not earning much.

2 years ago he had an EA (he confessed, but she also hired someone to find out the details after he confessed to ensure he was telling the truth) and there was a level of physical closeness with the OW, but it didn't get to sex. He conducted the EA in a fairly public way, knowing the risk of my sister finding out would be minimal. The EA lasted about 6 months and he discussed leaving my sister for the OW. He didn't leave, and they went NC. My understanding is that the OW is younger than him.

My sister's DP is a very attractive, intelligent and introverted man. None of us thought he would do something like this. He is very caring and can be a real gentleman.

I have found out through the grapevine that he is back in touch with the OW through a coincidence running into each other at a work function. This happened about a year ago (so 1 year after his EA), but it seems that they still have the occasional conversation when they bump into each other.

I want to tell my sister what I know, however I am concerned I may be reading too much into this. Is it really unreasonable to have expected him to remain completely NC with OW? Do people ever really maintain cordial friendships with OW after its all over?

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 25/02/2016 19:27

Two years isn't that long ago.

It sounds like your sister knows why he is with her and that he is still in love with the OW and prefers keeping him around.

Duckdeamon · 25/02/2016 19:28

You seem to think he is after her money and financial assets?

Agree with PPs that you should tell her he has been in contact with OW.

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 19:31

Is he poor?

Duckdeamon · 25/02/2016 19:31

Oops, missed the updates.

Bit weird to hire a detective etc but then accept his word for no sex and be OK with ongoing contact with OW. Denial?

If he is after money then OW's wealth might not matter if she'd be unlikely to marry him and your sister would!

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 19:32

Are you worried that he wants to get his hands on her money rather than him genuinely loving her?

This is how it's coming across.......

Is there any sort of pre nup in place?

Original poster
alloveragainandagain · 25/02/2016 19:38

I don't think he is in love with the OW. He barely knows her, the affair was only a few months and he chose to end it.

I have no doubt he loves my sister, but I believe he loves money more than he loves women. Thus the love for my sister who has a lot of money is strong.

He is a high earner, not far off 6 figures. Though this hasn't always been the case. He grew up very poor. My sister is a mature woman, so has many career years behind her and a very high salary.

OP posts:
Original poster
alloveragainandagain · 25/02/2016 19:40

He said there was no sex, so she hired an investigator to verify his story. Definitely no sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
alloveragainandagain · 25/02/2016 19:41

As a pp said, I think my sister knows what she is bringing to the table and he knows what he is bringing.

I guess there is nothing wrong with that.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 25/02/2016 19:42

This is so strange. Hiring a detective and then not even discussing the affair... She's just brushed it under the carpet, hasn't she? Maybe it's denial, as Duck suggested. But I just can't get my head around knowing someone has cheated on you, and not only staying with them, but MARRYING them without even discussing it.

Your sister must have low self esteem, or she must be so obsessed with this guy that she's happy to give him her life (and a share of her wealth) in spite of the fact that he's been unfaithful and probably will be again.

Oh well. You've done your bit, OP. You told her what you know and it's her funeral decision now.

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 19:43

You never know it might all work out, give it a chance

NameChange30 · 25/02/2016 19:44

Cross-posts. What is he bringing to the table, then? Youth and beauty or something?! Because he may have a high salary but so does she - and she has more in savings/property presumably.

AnyFucker · 25/02/2016 19:47

I am beginning to think your preoccupation with money is a little bit odd, tbh

Original poster
alloveragainandagain · 25/02/2016 19:50

I have done my bit as pp have said. There is clearly something I don't know.

He is a very lovely guy - if not for the affair. The affair was out of character. Noone, even myself, could have imagined him doing something like this. I can understand why she is with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
alloveragainandagain · 25/02/2016 19:52

I should have noted earlier, I have investments with my sister. Hence any situation with her DP in the future will probably affect me. This could probably why I seem/am fixated with the money issue.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 25/02/2016 19:56

Hmmm. Maybe get some legal/financial advice on the investments and how they will be affected when she marries. If her marital status changes things it might be worth discussing.

Does your sister have children? What about her partner? If they have children or are planning too that might affect the financial situation as well. For example, whether the investments she owns jointly with you would go to her partner or her child(ren) if she dies. (Sorry to be morbid, but if you have investments you do have to consider these things.)

NameChange30 · 25/02/2016 19:56

planning TO

BathtimeFunkster · 25/02/2016 20:01

If my rich sister were about to gift half her money to a money-obsessed cheat who was still seeing his OW, I would be focused on the money too.

Of course there is no pre-nup and of course they're getting married.

He be offski otherwise.

Original poster
alloveragainandagain · 25/02/2016 20:03

My sister is unable to have children naturally, so if anything, it will have to be adoption/surrogate route.

I am very old school. The agreements/investments I have with her, of which there are many, some are in her name solely and vice versa.

I will just have to see how this goes. I want it to work for her, she loves him and he her.

OP posts:
Original poster
alloveragainandagain · 25/02/2016 20:04

bath time, you did make me chuckle.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 25/02/2016 20:06

Why does the risk of your sister losing her money, and potential financial loss yourself, amuse you?

Blu · 25/02/2016 20:07

Well, it HAS to be money. I mean, who on earth could fancy and love a woman in her late 40s Hmm

Original poster
alloveragainandagain · 25/02/2016 20:07

Far from amusing, but the frankness made me chuckle.

Maybe I need to be that frank with dear sis.

OP posts:
Blu · 25/02/2016 20:10

Does he know she had him investigated? His e mails hacked? By a third party?

I would separate my financial affairs from her when she marries.

Original poster
alloveragainandagain · 25/02/2016 20:10

Blu

Her age is irrelevant to me, but I know at the beginning of the relationship it was a small issue between them which they managed to overcome.

They were at completely different life stages and in my opinion still are.

OP posts:
Blu · 25/02/2016 20:11

Or rather before she marries.