He didn't do anything for me birthday......

[Isthatit2016]

Just need to get my thoughts down as i know I'm being a bit unreasonable.

I've been seeing someone for 3 months and things are going well.
It was my birthday a few days ago and we had planned to go out for the evening, I knew it wouldn't be a lavish celebration as he has been complaining of being broke since the middle of last week thanks to a few unexpected expenses. That was fine I wasn't expecting anything huge. I'm too old for that and I appreciate thoughtful gestures more that expensive gifts!

Unfortunately he phoned me late afternoon at my work to say he had to work so we couldn't go out after all. I do understand that he is in a difficult position with where he is not in a position to refuse to work so I was disappointed but completely understood. He said he would make it up to me once work settled down and was less busy and unpredictable.

He dropped in past to see me before going to work today and made no mention of missing my birthday.

I'm just feeling a bit let down - no card, no flowers - just a big fat zero for marking my birthday. When I mentioned to him playfully that I wasn't going to let him off the hook and was expecting a late birthday treat he looked very unimpressed.

AIBU? I'm really not feeling appreciated at the moment!!
I think I'm feeling worse because he did once mention how he used to make a big deal of celebrations for his (now ex) wife and lavish her with gifts.

It's not the present, cars... It's the fact he completely ignored the issue.

That's the red flag.

I can't tell you how wrong this is, and how much I think you need to cut and run now.

But You need him to hurt you again to see this sadly.

He's banking on the fact that you'll be hooked too much to let him go.

What does he get out of a relationship with you? What's potentially his for the taking? Free accommodation? You fairly comfortable?

He's showing you who he is. If I were you I'd not hang around another day to find out who that is.

It's only 3m. It's nothing.

He's telling you he loves you already?

But forgets a card, flowers and doesn't even mention it? Bollocks.

My ex used to begrudge me my birthdays. Ruined pretty much every one of them. Does it to my son too
But my son doesn't care about his dad anymore.

My ex is abusive, I see bad signs here that could be relevant, or he could be on the make.

Either way, he's not good enough. He has to go. No more chances, just end it in the next few days/week.

Next time you see him, say I'm looking forward to celebrating my birthday with you. What shall we do?

I will be very surprised if he ever acknowledges it again despite telling you he would make it up to you.

I've only had time to skim the newest posts so sorry if i miss any questions.

I've also not given much updates as there is nothing really to update as, of course, he is working all the time and our schedules are not compatible.
He has phoned when he had a break and I mentioned casually how much I appreciated other people's gifts and I also said it was a pity he forgot the card as it would have cheered me up as I had a crap day at work.
Really I was digging as I suspect the card is still in the shop!!

Anyway I've decided that he gets until we meet up properly again then if he hasn't even bothered to make the slightest gesture, he's history.
It's not the lack of gift that's the problem before anyone criticizes me for being too shallow, it's the lack of thought behind the lack of acknowledgment of a special day for me.

I keep thinking of a rhyme I know;
"It's not the gifts that can be bought that are life's greatest treasures,
It's just the little heart gifts that money cannot measure"

Also my daughter says I'm thinking his actions are those of a scheming, evil genius when in fact he's maybe just being a bit thick!

I think you're being fair giving him the benefit of the doubt to be honest. I know I'll probably get flamed for this and didn't feel brave enough to say it in my earlier post, but the fact you said you didn't do hallmark days, then told him you weren't going to let him off the hook and you exoected a birthday treat, may have given him mixed messages and made him feel you were expecting more than you were. A lot of men aren't bothered by birthday cards, so wouldnt get the importance others place on them.

I'm with you on this, I would much prefer a nice card and thoughtful message- a fiver could have bought a simple bunch of flowers, radox bubble bath and slab of cadburys or similar. BUT, if he's used to having to do extravagant gifts for his ex, he may well have been embarrassed at the thought of a 'cheaper' gift and preferred to avoid it altogether.

I'm honestly not excusing / condoning either way. But I can see both sides here, I would be upset with no birthday card / gesture (nothing costly needed), but would probably also be a bit peeved to be told somebody didn't do hallmark days then be pulled up and told I was expected to make up for it and provide a birthday treat.

Personally I'd just let it go for now and see what the next month and next few dates hold. You will soon see generally if you share values / outlooks after another couple of months, the more you get to know each other the more you will see of how much effort he genuinely makes every day to make you feel special.

Do go and buy yourself a lovely gooey cake and bunch of flowers and think of us though

You need to keep us updated op!

I think i need to clear up that I told him I didn't do hallmark celebrations such as mothers day as I told him preferred to think I was appreciated all year round rather than just some made-up holiday.

Plus I explained my sons are at uni so money is short for them but they still mark the day and make me feel special by phoning me. They don't ignore it!

He could have posted the card, especially as he is clear that you are bothered by it. He hasn't done that even.

See, to me a birthday is definitely not a Hallmark day. It's the very opposite because even though there is an industry surrounding it, it's an individual celebration for everyone, whereas a Hallmark day is an en masse thing like Valentine's Day.

My next door neighbour mentioned she was a bit down yesterday as it was the two year anniversary of her dh death. I got her a pot of primroses and left it outside her door. It took no time and a few quid and it made her happy. I'm not trying to woo my neighbour, she is just nice and deserves it. It's not hard is it really? This guy better be an Adonis with a sparkling personality because skint, thoughtless and working grueling shifts that don't match with your life aren't exactly aphrodisiacs are they?

I've probably handled this very badly but he called me after I had a bad day at work and I can't even remember what he said and I just lost it and let rip about how crap I felt at being let down.

I'm feeling better but awful at the same time!

He says had thought I realised we would do something once he had the time

He says had thought I realised we would do something once he had the time

Back peddle, Back peddle, Back peddle

You're probably right otherwise why did he not make a special point of saying so instead of just ignoring it.

Excuse previous typos - I hate autocorrect!

He seems to be just talking crap. Is it really worth continuing this?

I think you should be more concerned about your DD's willingness to excuse his poor behaviour towards you. What messages has she absorbed to get there?

What a fucking prize this fella is.

Dump and run, OP, quickly.

Big red flags, hitting you in the face.

Bullshit. He knew you weren't happy about a lack of card, said he'd got a card, still hasn't got the card to you, ignored you.

Not worth the effort.

If I'd thought my DH was upset on his birthday I'd have been extra attentive with texts and calls and sharing plans as reassurance. Why hasn't he? He's not worth the effort if he's this bad this early in.

I call bullshit, too. He could've gone to Asda and got you a card and a bunch of daffodils for £2. And if he can't afford that, what's he spending his money on, if he's working that hard and is single?

3 months in? he knows it's a problem. still hasn't done anything tho.

He sounds like he really cares .

That bullshit wouldn't wash with me op.

Can I ask, aside from the fucking your birthday up, what is your relationship been like the last three months? What kind of things do you do together? Has he ever bought you a meal or is he the sort to get the calculator out? Has he ever cooked for you? Bought wine and snacks for a cosy night in? Any other thoughtful gestures in that time? What do you see in him? What do you like about him?

He sounds like he really cares .

That bullshit wouldn't wash with me op.

Can I ask, aside from the fucking your birthday up, what is your relationship been like the last three months? What kind of things do you do together? Has he ever bought you a meal or is he the sort to get the calculator out? Has he ever cooked for you? Bought wine and snacks for a cosy night in? Any other thoughtful gestures in that time? What do you see in him? What do you like about him?

I'm having a drink tonight with a guy I've been out with less than half a dozen times, he starts a new job on Monday.

I just got him a card and chocolate bunny paw (kind of rabbits foot) to wish him luck.

Tesco. Less than £2.

I've not even slept with this guy, but thought it was a nice thing to do.

The guy I was seeing before? Over Christmas? He had a (big) birthday, I sent him a card.

Oh yeah, I'm late 40s, and actually pretty broke too...

This bloke has not given you a second thought. You're better than this.

Interested to know why not buying someone a present is a red flag? It is obviously shit but not sure it in itself is a red flag? Sorry not trying to be ignorant

It could be a red flag. It could just be a sign that he's thoughtless, selfish or stingy. Either way it's a poor show 3 months into a relationship.

Pregnant I take it you haven't read the full thread? If you had, you'd have seen most of us said it's not the not buying the present or card but the fact that when he nipped round the day after he didn't even MENTION her birthday, had she had a nice day. The OP had to even drag out of him the fact that he'd bought a card but "left it at home"

It's the message the behaviour conveys.
You've reminded him several times, but he clearly doesn't care enough or can't be bothered enough to sort things out.
This after telling you he enjoyed spoiling his ex wife with treats..

Hedgehogparty is spot on. I think the card and present are not the point. It´s the overall attitude - they really speak volumes. As it is important to you - you have made that clear, and it is still nagging at you - it should be important to him. End of story. Trust your instinct here - you´ll save yourself more heartache in the long run. Why don´t you try saying (camly of course) "I realise you acknowledging my birthday was important to me, and feel let down by your very casual attitude". Put it out there like that and see what reaction you get. If it is all thrown back at you, I´m afraid you´re onto a losing game.