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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He didn't do anything for me birthday......

100 replies

Isthatit2016 · 24/02/2016 09:32

Just need to get my thoughts down as i know I'm being a bit unreasonable.

I've been seeing someone for 3 months and things are going well.
It was my birthday a few days ago and we had planned to go out for the evening, I knew it wouldn't be a lavish celebration as he has been complaining of being broke since the middle of last week thanks to a few unexpected expenses. That was fine I wasn't expecting anything huge. I'm too old for that and I appreciate thoughtful gestures more that expensive gifts!

Unfortunately he phoned me late afternoon at my work to say he had to work so we couldn't go out after all. I do understand that he is in a difficult position with where he is not in a position to refuse to work so I was disappointed but completely understood. He said he would make it up to me once work settled down and was less busy and unpredictable.

He dropped in past to see me before going to work today and made no mention of missing my birthday.

I'm just feeling a bit let down - no card, no flowers - just a big fat zero for marking my birthday. When I mentioned to him playfully that I wasn't going to let him off the hook and was expecting a late birthday treat he looked very unimpressed.

AIBU? I'm really not feeling appreciated at the moment!!
I think I'm feeling worse because he did once mention how he used to make a big deal of celebrations for his (now ex) wife and lavish her with gifts.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 24/02/2016 13:12

Sorry, but I think it's doing yourself a disservice to stay with someone so inconsiderate. I really do. He could have made you a card, invited you over to a home-cooked meal, all kinds of things. The bottom line is that he couldn't be arsed.

When people show you who they are, please, please listen.

Secretlove · 24/02/2016 13:14

Well he can't be that broke if he's doing ten hour shifts surely? A bunch of daffs is £1, a card from the card factory 50p and a small box of chocolates a couple of pounds.

To let you down on your birthday is appalling and I wouldn't even believe him. And he cancelled so late I expect you couldn't arrange anything else and sat in on your own.

If he genuinely had a card for you, he would have mentioned he had forgotten it when he turned up.

I think you are being way too generous. He is not making you feel good is he?

WheresLarry · 24/02/2016 13:31

Perhaps he is doing 10hr shifts because he is that broke?!

Why when people describe themselves as skint do others then proceed to declare that they must have a few pounds for this and that? We have all read the threads on here from posters who have literally no money at all, no food in house and are desperate for help, who's to say the man isn't in this situation!

Nobody knows for sure except the boyfriend but the way most of you have told the OP to end her relationship you would think you all had seen his bank statements and have proof he's lying. Maybe he is a liar, maybe he is telling the truth and is embarrassed. He should still have acknowledged OPs birthday obviously.

OP, do what you think is best, whilst it is great if someone can spoil you, not everyone can. I hope you still had a good birthday.

Marchate · 24/02/2016 13:41

If he knows you will let this one go, he'll take it further next time

Since you want to give him another chance, keep your radar on full alert for excuses that don't sound 100% watertight

Good luck!

Jan45 · 24/02/2016 13:57

Whereslarry - I think it's not so much about him spending cash, it's the fact he has barely acknowledged her b/d, we all have to eat, making an extra plate wouldn't break his bank account I am sure, after all, he made sure the OP knew that he was lavish with his ex with gifts etc, - funny that huh.

Original poster

Isthatit2016 · 24/02/2016 13:59

Urgh! As if I wasn't fed up enough I've just noticed the typo on the thread "me birthday" really??
I meant to type "my" of course.

I am going to be more assertive of my needs in the future, that's good advice and not just for this relationship.

OP posts:

suspiciousofgoldfish · 24/02/2016 14:00

In future OP, never tell your new DP that you 'don't do hallmark days'. It's like saying you love cleaning or blowjobs, or you like watching Top Gear. It will come back to bite you on the Arsenal.

You've set the bar quite low and now look what's happened! Having said all that (in a wildly generalised and sexist manner), I think his lack of .....well, anything at all really, is a bit underwhelming. At three months in, this behaviour of his is the very best it will ever be. All downhill from here

Why not try the old "passive aggressive lets-joke-about-how-shit-you-were-on-my-birthday" and see if he bucks his ideas up?

Perhaps binning him because he didn't get you a present on your first ever birthday together is a bit harsh.....

Happy birthday though! Here, have some and .

I'm already more thoughtful than him and I've never even met you.

TheNaze73 · 24/02/2016 14:18

Isthatit2016 With the me instead of my, I just assumed you were from East London

tma1968 · 24/02/2016 14:39

hes an arsehole...get rid now before its too late. a card an a bottle of wine or bunch of flowers wudnt have broke the bank and the point is he should have WANTED to get u those things.....tosser x

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 24/02/2016 14:55

Naze you seem to be focusing on the fact that he should be given another chance because he has no money. Most of us have said even if we can put that to one side and totally get that and understand it, even if we believe him that had got a card but left it at home, even if we believe he wanted to get some flowers but didn't because he didn't think she'd be at home, it's the fact that he ignored the birthday totally when he popped in the next day. Totally. All he had to do was say "look, I'm so sorry work is so manic at the moment that I had to cancel last night. I feel rubbish about it, I promise I will make it up to you, did you have a nice day?" But he didn't. And he didn't even, at that point, say "Bugger, I'm really bloody hopeless, I even left you card at home!"

He ignored it totally until the OP had to tell him she was upset.

It's really, really not about the money.

Good luck OP. Your radar is now officially switched on - no more chances after this one!

choceclair123 · 24/02/2016 14:55

Guess he won't have time to pop round for sex either then?

Original poster

Isthatit2016 · 24/02/2016 15:15

StillDrSeth He did say when he phoned to tell me he couldn't make it that he would make it up to me in the future sometime, but you're correct it was odd he didn't mention it again today.

My radar IS now switched on and he has used up his one and only chance - he is now officially on thin ice!

OP posts:

Secretlove · 24/02/2016 15:29

He's broke, he works all the time, he cancelled on your birthday, he didn't get you anything...what are you actually getting out of this?

wol1968 · 24/02/2016 15:41

You deserve more than this. Seriously. In a good relationship you get the attention, the presents (that don't have to be costly or grand, just thoughtful) and the gestures, without having to plead, manipulate, hint or otherwise engineer. In a good relationship good stuff happens naturally without you thinking about it. This sounds like hard work and he sounds a bit rubbish. Bin him. Sorry. He just isn't worth bothering with. A quick 'I don't think this is working for us/don't think you are quite what I'm after' should do the trick at this stage.

Obs2016 · 24/02/2016 15:49

3 months? Didn't even get you a card from tesco for £1? He's a knob. Get rid.

Buzzardbird · 24/02/2016 15:53

I'm sorry he ruined your birthday for you. That was really thoughtless of him. He is unlikely to get more thoughtful as time goes on I'm afraid. I'm assuming he has eaten since your birthday so why not cook for you too?

There are no end of nice things he could have done that would have cost nothing.

Tanfastic · 24/02/2016 16:09

Some gestures cost nothing. He could have run you a lovely bath, given you a massage (free) or invited you round for egg and chips by candlelight. Actually these things sound much more thoughtful to me than the cliched flowers chocs etc. My dh isn't romantic at all but I do remember him writing nice things in cards, he bought me a silver bracelet after a couple of months for my birthday (it was hideous but anyway lol).

I don't buy the excuses. It would put me right off to be honest.

tingon · 24/02/2016 16:10

I'm with Secretlove, not much in this relationship for you really.

Is he incredibly handsome?

inlectorecumbit · 24/02/2016 16:17

Bin him- ho could have got a 99p card out the supermarket,

Olddear · 24/02/2016 16:24

But he did get her a card, remember? Y'know, the one he left at his house....and the flowers he was going to buy? it's just that she might have left for work..

Ins3cth0t3l · 24/02/2016 22:11

I agree actions speak louder than words

If had no money;

He could have written you a poem

He could have made you a meal

He could have sung you a song

He could have borrowed some money from a friend

He could have made you laugh

He could have made a card

He spent;

No money

No time

No effort

I would cut and run

Happy Birthday

SevenOfNineTrue · 24/02/2016 22:28

Ins3cth0t3l

So agree with your post

PregnantAndEngaged · 24/02/2016 23:30

This reminds me of one of my ex's. Kept making excuses as to why he couldn't bring my Christmas present round. It was "too big" apparently and he had to get the tube to see me. Why buy a too fucking big present when you know the only way we can commute to each other is tube then you twunt? Oh yeah, because it's fiction!!!

Anyway, I knew he was lying but wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't change, just got even less caring of my feelings. That's when the standing me up all the time started.

I hope for your sake this guy is genuine, but I have a horrible suspicion these are just excuses. Like someone else said, I do think the skint comments a week before your birthday, then cancelling last minute on your birthday and then not turning up with even so much as a card after the event stinks of fabrication to avoid buying you anything for your birthday.

FoxInTheDesert · 25/02/2016 01:17

Are you people serious? You must dump a guy because he failed to deliver on your birthday! It's only a birthday!!! I thought this was a forum for grown up women.

kittybiscuits · 25/02/2016 06:16

Sounds like you think it is a forum for people who will put up with any old crap treatment.

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