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Original poster

He didn't do anything for me birthday......

100 replies

Isthatit2016 · 24/02/2016 09:32

Just need to get my thoughts down as i know I'm being a bit unreasonable.

I've been seeing someone for 3 months and things are going well.
It was my birthday a few days ago and we had planned to go out for the evening, I knew it wouldn't be a lavish celebration as he has been complaining of being broke since the middle of last week thanks to a few unexpected expenses. That was fine I wasn't expecting anything huge. I'm too old for that and I appreciate thoughtful gestures more that expensive gifts!

Unfortunately he phoned me late afternoon at my work to say he had to work so we couldn't go out after all. I do understand that he is in a difficult position with where he is not in a position to refuse to work so I was disappointed but completely understood. He said he would make it up to me once work settled down and was less busy and unpredictable.

He dropped in past to see me before going to work today and made no mention of missing my birthday.

I'm just feeling a bit let down - no card, no flowers - just a big fat zero for marking my birthday. When I mentioned to him playfully that I wasn't going to let him off the hook and was expecting a late birthday treat he looked very unimpressed.

AIBU? I'm really not feeling appreciated at the moment!!
I think I'm feeling worse because he did once mention how he used to make a big deal of celebrations for his (now ex) wife and lavish her with gifts.

OP posts:
Marchate · 24/02/2016 11:00

Naze, why do you post in threads like this? Do you genuinely believe your comments help?

Annarose2014 · 24/02/2016 11:04

Also - even working 7 days a week, he still has time to phone you and have cute conversations. He's not stuck in theatre performing brain surgery 10 hrs a day!

If all you get is hasty texts and "can I come over around 9 for a shag ?" then it's not looking good.

Bree85 · 24/02/2016 11:08

It will make me sad too. Even a birthday card is already enough. Why not tell him?

daisydalrymple · 24/02/2016 11:10

Is he thoughtful and kind in other ways? Is he stressed and worried about work, cash etc? Is there any possible chance he didn't mention your birthday as was planning to make it up to you when time wasn't rushed? I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour, but there may be reasons for it. After seeing him for three months you should have an inkling by now if this is a red flag or genuine.

And some people genuinely don't 'get' the fuss about birthdays. He may well have taken you literally at your word and thought it wasn't a big deal to you.

Maybe leave it a week or so and see how things pan out. You'll know if you dont feel happy with the outcome. Again, I'm not excusing his behaviour, I would send you some cake and flowers and birthday balloons right now if I knew you Smile hope you still enjoyed your day.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 24/02/2016 11:14

Anna I'm willing to bet even Brain Surgeons manage time to 'woo' properly Grin

But agree with 99.9% of PPs - he's a lazy get and is only willing to put in minimal effort, which at any part of a relationship is poor show but at 3 months it's dire.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 24/02/2016 11:15

Oh and a belated Happy Birthday Isthat Wine Cake Flowers

Tanfastic · 24/02/2016 11:16

As someone who dated a lot of blokes over the years but now been happily married for nine years I'd say get thee rid!

Nobody, no matter how busy or skint they are is too busy or skint to send a birthday card or say happy birthday at the very least.

After three months into a relationship that was going well I'd expect a card and some kind of gift be it flowers, a box of chocs or him offering to take me for a meal.

Imagine if you end up with this bloke for years....how special would he make you feel? Confused

Marchate · 24/02/2016 11:18

Even an e-card, if such things still exist, would show he cared a little!

Original poster
Isthatit2016 · 24/02/2016 12:02

Thanks to all who have responded, I really do appreciate all your views.

My adult daughter phoned so I spoke to her about it and she reckons I should give him some leeway in this instance.
It's hard to get all the info in a short initial post, he usually is quite considerate in that he will phone me whenever gets the opportunity to say he loves me and misses me and he has bought me flowers for no reason previously.
He is not well paid so money is a major issue and he also has a heavy manual job so is often very tired even when working "normal" shifts and his work is erratic and demanding. My daughter pointed out he may not plan anything to avoid disappointing me again and that he may just not "get" the fuss about birthdays.

However, that having been said he's not getting another chance.
If I'm let down again, it's finished.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthatit2016 · 24/02/2016 12:03

Oh and thank you all for the birthday wishes - they did make me feel better! Smile

OP posts:
Heavens2Betsy · 24/02/2016 12:07

IMO the first year of a relationship sets the scene for the rest of it.
3 months in and he's already letting you down.
Doesn't bode well!

Conflictedkate · 24/02/2016 12:11

Disagree with others. I think you should see how it goes and if it's a pattern of behaviour. But telling you live each other after 3 months is a bit odd...slow it down

onlythebestwilldo · 24/02/2016 12:14

Those little excuses will get more reccuring, and you need to put your standards way higher dont sell yourself short. Get out now while you can! Honestly
You will look back and think why did i ignore these little flags, you sound just like me, making up excuses for shitty behaviour, hanging on to hope. Things will NOT change, it will get worse. You will probably learn the hard we like i had to 😞

Original poster
Isthatit2016 · 24/02/2016 12:23

I hear what you are saying about red flags and I agree.

I think it's been a culmination of a lot of unfortunate circumstances which have lead to me feeling so bad about the whole situation.

That being said I'll give the benefit of the doubt this time, it's hard to put all the shitty things that have happened to us both lately without being too identifying but I'll NOT stand for being let down again.

OP posts:
Roseformeplease · 24/02/2016 12:24

If you are happy to see how it goes, then that is the option you should take.

However, I would be worried that someone (him) has told you about the effort he made with an ex - effort he is not making with you. Surely, this is a bit of a wake-up call? He tells you how he has treated a woman, and then treats you differently.

TheNaze73 · 24/02/2016 12:28

I'm just saying there's always got to be an alternative. Some people treat things in different ways. I for one, would not expect to here from a woman, if I'd forgotten a girlfriend's birthday, it's rude. However, the guy may have his reasons. No money, embarrassed, in denial?? I thought a message board was for support & debate. Not for a one size fits all approach & mutual back slapping. Had this been reversed, I'm sure the answer would have been completely different

Duckdeamon · 24/02/2016 12:31

If you stay in the relationship suggest telling him clearly that you were not at all impressed.

The card/flowers excuse was pathetic!

Original poster
Isthatit2016 · 24/02/2016 12:41

TheNaze Money is a huge problem just now so it could be embarrassment.

I think I'm so willing to give him another chance as I've been that person who literally has no money and it is humiliating to admit to anyone.

OP posts:
Corygal1 · 24/02/2016 12:45

Bin him. The same thing happened to me & I did. Refusing to spend time or money on someone is incompatible with a relationship.

Marchate · 24/02/2016 12:51

It's a poor start to a relationship. It's your choice but most of us think you will be disappointed again and again, until you normalise it

The chance to get out is when you notice something is odd (now). Later you will question your own reaction and you will accept that you mean little to him

SevenOfNineTrue · 24/02/2016 12:59

Sorry but his actions tell you a lot about who he is and how he sees you. I doubt he was that tight for money he couldn't have scrounged £1.50 for a nice birthday card from the local supermarket for you.

He may not 'do' birthdays but if he was a considerate man, he would know that someone else might not feel the same and that he should make the effort.

Happy Birthday by the way Flowers

Pancakeflipper · 24/02/2016 13:03

It's not great cos' it costs nothing to say Happy Birthday, make you a cuppa and hand your a birthday bun or invite you to his for dinner one night.

But maybe he doesn't get it's the little things that can really mean alot? Maybe he was embarrassed he couldn't afford a big gesture?

I hope you are not disappointed again. But at least you are aware what others think on here and be alert.

Happy Birthday !

P.S. I am the only on here who is impressed about the red rose and cinema visit. My standards are obviously really low.

TheNaze73 · 24/02/2016 13:06

Isthatit2016 It's probably something that simple, yet so complicated. He could be burying his head in the sand. He may really like you & literally could not afford it. I think you should talk to him & get to the route cause. Is it pride or is it a lack of respect towards you.

pickmeupputmedown · 24/02/2016 13:07

If you wish to give him the benefit of the doubt this time then do so but keep in the back of your mind that actions speak louder than words. Even with no money, he could have mentioned your birthday, asked if you had had a nice day, mentioned he had a card for you at home etc.

Don't fall for it twice. It's early days so you can get out relatively unscathed (unlike me who let a fuckwit treat me shabbily for years)

Jan45 · 24/02/2016 13:07

Not nice, and I'm afraid if he is not going all out to impress you in the early days then it doesn't bode well, sorry but even if he works 12 hours every day a card and a small appreciation of you would not be asking too much, raise that bar or expect more of the same.

By all means see how it goes, take this as a first warning though, for me, actions definitely speak louder than words.

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