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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel like I'm losing my mind. ...

75 replies

Brokenegg41 · 21/02/2016 16:33

Together 25 years. 3 dc. He hasn't worked since 2002 due to chronic illness and is now registered disabled.
I do everything. Including work full time. We have a childminder for after school care and holidays.
I'm exhausted and lonely.
It's too long to list all the ways I'm unhappy.
A snap shot of my life is today.
For the past month he hasn't been able to sleep at night so is awake all night and sleeps all day.
So today I got out of bed to see to ds and he got in it. He doesn't say a word. Doesn't check that's ok thst I'm alright etc. Just gets in bed presuming I'm here to do everything.
I've done breakfast lunch washing drying homework tidying just everything. he's still in bed. I'm about to start dinner. He'll probably get up when I put ds back to bed.
Ds (5) genuinely has practically nothing to do with dh. Older 2 slightly more so as he was more present when they were younger and of course they are older. But pretty much everything emotionally and practically with the kids is down to me.

He hasn't left the house since the start of January due to his disability except twice when he was well enough to run eldest dc to youth club.

I'm just so drained. I'm exhausted.

He offers to leave tells me he's clearly being a burden making life difficult etc . I want to scream yea yiu are go away go away! !"But how can I? He has nothing.
I read on here about women getting their ducks in a row so they can support themselves. I don't even need to do that! I work i pay all the bills everything is in my name. All he gets is his dla. Obviously we share my income but his only money is that.

I utterly sympathise thst he is so ill but I'm so tired of it. He's so angry and bitter and hateful about everything. He hates the fact he's ill but seems to be determined that everyone feels sorry for him.
Sometimes I feel like he exaggerates his symptoms just to preempt bring asked to do anything.

I feel like I need this to be over. My kids have literally no day to day interaction with him. Right now we're down here and he's just up there like a malevolent presence.
I feel physically sick.
I don't know what to do! !!

OP posts:
mix56 · 21/02/2016 16:37

Sorry nothing very useful to suggest, but couldn't read & run. Hopefully others will follow up with more help.
Is there any kind of respite care he entitled to. You will still bare the load for the children, but it sounds like you need a holiday, some time to do something YOU want to do, or simply nothing at all.

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2016 16:39

You need to separate. If he can sleep in the day, he can sleep at night. To have nothing to do with his children when he lives in the same house as them is shocking. He could read to your five year old and sit with him when he plays with lego or paints, couldn't he? Yet he leaves all that to you on top of all the housework and going to work as well.

I think you'd find that if you and he separated, he'd discover he could do a lot more than he/you thought.

And yes, I do believe in "in sickness and in health" but I also believe that he should be abiding by "love, honour and cherish."

Original poster
Brokenegg41 · 21/02/2016 16:47

I've sayd that myself Imperial I've said to him I understand he can't run around playing football with ds but there is nothing stopping him reading a book doing a jigsaw etc. Just talking to him.
He talks for an hour plus on the phone to his mates sometimes.
I feel like I hate him when it's like this. I have a constant ball of anger in my stomach.
My elder 2 come to me for everything they consult hin about nothing. Every school decision gp appt school meeting it's all me.

Last year I took them on holiday by myself . They were fine. Ds never asked after his dad. I don't think other then his mother's he's ever taken ds ANYWHERE.

OP posts:
FellOutOfBedTwice · 21/02/2016 16:52

I was going to ask why he can't sleep at night but can in the day (and I say that as an arthritis suffering who's had CFS- I know how shitty not sleeping can be because of your health). Sounds either like he's depressed and not dealing with it or he's deliberately gone nocternal to avoid his responsibilities.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 21/02/2016 16:53

Sorry should have added- not that this makes it better for you. Bollocks to this situation. I think you need to separate if you're this unhappy.

Original poster
Brokenegg41 · 21/02/2016 16:54

He's paranoid too. Because I'm so angry and exhausted we don't have a good sex life. It's rare. So he now makes sarcastic remarks about me going out about how I must have a better time at work because I'm always so miserable at home etc.
I got bruises on my upper thighs last summer. I don't know how they occurred but he questioned them constantly even asking me If I was lying as thry looked like they had occurred through rough sex.
If I ask him for help or try and explain how unhappy I am he just gets angry and suggests I find someone new or says ""why don't you find someone to make you happy cos I clearly don't " he can be really spiteful

I want to tell him it's over. I'm scared my kids thibk this is normal . They make allowances for him but they are wary of him and his temper.
Why can't I do it? Everytime I try I feel physically sick. I stop and then hate myself. We've been together since I was 16!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenegg41 · 21/02/2016 16:56

He says he doesn't know why he can't sleep at night. He's either got pain in his legs or a headache or upset stomach. He goes to the toilet a lot so thst keeps him awake. He's asleep right fucking now though Sad

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 21/02/2016 17:03

Oh God, you're a saint! Get rid, please, before he sucks the last bit of life out of you. Do it for the DCS. Do it for you!

YellowTulips · 21/02/2016 17:03

If he sleeps all day and it up all night it suggests that despite his illness he has the ability presumably to look after himself to a reasonable degree. I assume you are not getting up to feed him at 3am for example.

You say he has nothing - but that's not true. He has a family and a responsibly to them to be the best husband and father he can be.

You talk about leaving him feeling guilty.

Being harsh I don't understand why. He's effectively already left you and the kids.

Illness is a terrible thing, but his behaviour sounds like instead of focusing on what he can contribute, he uses it as an excuse to check out of any and all responsibility.

I'd leave tbh. This is no way to live for you or your kids.

Ooof35 · 21/02/2016 17:04

You'll be surprised at what he can do when you aren't there. Separate and then see if there is still the love there to maintain a relationship. You are doing everything and a change needs to happen before you burn out and the children will have nobody to be able to care for them.

wannabestressfree · 21/02/2016 17:11

Can I ask what's wrong with him?
I am disabled and you can't just give up on life. On your family or you. How dare he? He needs to get proactive.
And to say that about your sex life and being able to socialise. He should want you to go out etc.
I would say big changes or you split. It's not fair on any of you.

DoreenLethal · 21/02/2016 17:11

I'll bet he suddenly becomes more attentive if you tell him that he needs to leave and give him a date by which to go. Just end it - don't waste any more years of your life living this way.

Original poster
Brokenegg41 · 21/02/2016 17:19

He has arthritis and cfs. He also has a stomach condition that causes regular vomiting. He's very thin so always cold.

He can however look after himself he doesn't need a carer etc. .

I just woke him up. Asked him if he'd be joining us for dinner. No he feels ill. He looked at the clock and got up. Came into the kitchen explained why he couldn't sleep last night and has now gone on to the p.c where he will probably stay for a good hour. He hasn't spoken to our 3 children and the 5 year old hasn't even acknowledged him.
I feel just hugely sad and trapped.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 21/02/2016 17:22

I'd ask him to leave as he has previously offered. He will probably get a real shock if you ask him to go and maybe just maybe he will get the kick up the backside he needs.
Sadly l think he won't. Your DC's need to see that this is not a normal relationship.You are living very much as a single parent and you will probably be so much happier and free without him.

You may think you are being cruel. but you have to think of your DC's and yourself. Flowers

Original poster
Brokenegg41 · 21/02/2016 17:28

I can't thiugh that's the bit I need help with. Every time i think I should do it I literally am paralysed with fear. I find myself starting fights in order to get angry to make myself do it. I don't know why I can't say it. I'm so so frightened. I'm pathetic

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 21/02/2016 17:32

It sounds pointless for you to share a home - he doesn't need 'care', but not does he want to be involved in family life. He could live on his own in a little 1 bedroom flat - at least you wouldn't have to live with a ball of anger in your stomach then.

goddessofsmallthings · 21/02/2016 17:32

Last year I took them on holiday by myself. They were fine.

As you customarily fulfil the roles of two parents it's not surprising your dc 'were fine' when you were away on holiday together, but how did your h fare during your absence?

Turning his days into nights suggests that your h may be suffering from depression, but nevertheless chronic illness is no reason or excuse for him to drop out of family life and abdicate responsibility for the care of his dc.

What onoging medical care does your h receive and is there any facility he can be admitted to so that you can have respite on occasion?

If his condition is not expected to improve, it may be that he should be giving consideration to applying for sheltered/supported accomodation to relieve you of the burden of caring for him as well as spinning all of the plates necessary to raise dc as a single parent.

pallasathena · 21/02/2016 17:38

Its no way to live o/p and on top of everything else, you will be modelling very dodgy behaviour for your children.
I bet you know this though.
Sounds to me as if its a classic case of fear, obligation and guilt holding you back from speaking your truth. But you have to do it. Speak your truth I mean. If you don't, one day when your kids have flown the nest and you are looking at your partner with nothing but hate in your heart you will have so many regrets. About the life you and those precious children of yours could've had.
I feel so sad for you. You deserve some happiness in your life, we all do.

goddessofsmallthings · 21/02/2016 17:43

He can however look after himself he doesn't need a carer etc

It seems to me you've made far too many allowances for him and if he doesn't start doing what he can to relieve you of some of the burdens you're carrying he'll have to leave, otherwise you'll burn out and your dc will suffer.

Marchate · 21/02/2016 18:17

You need to look after your own health - mental and physical. It's unlikely you can do that with him in the house

Don't get wound up so you can tell him to leave. The worst outcomes are borne from anger. Instead stay icy calm at all times, and you will soon feel you can face and control the necessary conversation with him

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2016 18:33

Is he taking medication for his arthritis without taking something to protect his stomach? That might be why he's being sick.

The thing is, he only needs you there as a verbal punch bag and to provide for him financially. That is not a good enough reason for him to be with you.

Do it for your children if you can't do it for yourself. It must be very miserable for them to live with him and they must see other dads with their children and envy them.

And he wonders why you don't want sex with him? Who the hell would?!

ILikeUranus · 21/02/2016 18:42

Maybe speak to a solicitor first, ask them for advice as to what happens about a separation and what it would be wise for you to do first. Armed with that information, it may be easier for you to break the news to him as you'll know what you can expect the next steps to be. I really feel for you, this is no life, ill or not, he sounds absolutely awful.

Wombatinabathhat · 21/02/2016 18:52

Broken This sounds so sad Thanks
You could have a much more fulfilling life without him. I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you and either leave, or tell him to go

wannabestressfree · 21/02/2016 19:18

He should be on omeprozole if he is taking meds. It will stop him being sick.
Come on though this is your life. He will feel ill if he is in bed all day ..... he has checked out of family life.
How is he going to improve his 'lot'? Arthritis does not prevent you from working. This is about his outlook. You need to say no more.... or rather I hope you will.

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2016 19:34

You're told to stay as active as you can if you have arthritis. Is he seeing a consultant at the hospital about it?

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