feel like I'm losing my mind. ...

[Brokenegg41]

Together 25 years. 3 dc. He hasn't worked since 2002 due to chronic illness and is now registered disabled.
I do everything. Including work full time. We have a childminder for after school care and holidays.
I'm exhausted and lonely.
It's too long to list all the ways I'm unhappy.
A snap shot of my life is today.
For the past month he hasn't been able to sleep at night so is awake all night and sleeps all day.
So today I got out of bed to see to ds and he got in it. He doesn't say a word. Doesn't check that's ok thst I'm alright etc. Just gets in bed presuming I'm here to do everything.
I've done breakfast lunch washing drying homework tidying just everything. he's still in bed. I'm about to start dinner. He'll probably get up when I put ds back to bed.
Ds (5) genuinely has practically nothing to do with dh. Older 2 slightly more so as he was more present when they were younger and of course they are older. But pretty much everything emotionally and practically with the kids is down to me.

He hasn't left the house since the start of January due to his disability except twice when he was well enough to run eldest dc to youth club.

I'm just so drained. I'm exhausted.

He offers to leave tells me he's clearly being a burden making life difficult etc . I want to scream yea yiu are go away go away! !"But how can I? He has nothing.
I read on here about women getting their ducks in a row so they can support themselves. I don't even need to do that! I work i pay all the bills everything is in my name. All he gets is his dla. Obviously we share my income but his only money is that.

I utterly sympathise thst he is so ill but I'm so tired of it. He's so angry and bitter and hateful about everything. He hates the fact he's ill but seems to be determined that everyone feels sorry for him.
Sometimes I feel like he exaggerates his symptoms just to preempt bring asked to do anything.

I feel like I need this to be over. My kids have literally no day to day interaction with him. Right now we're down here and he's just up there like a malevolent presence.
I feel physically sick.
I don't know what to do! !!

brokenegg41 I can entirely empathise with you. I was in a similar situation but am now going through a divorce. Do give the counselling a try, even if it's just so that you can say to yourself you've done everything you could on your part. My STBX was emotionally abusive though, so that's why it didn't work out for me.

I've found that though I'm a single parent now, the day to day isn't drastically different as like you, I'd been doing the vast majority of everything anyway. And now the kids can make as much noise as they want to and can relax anywhere they choose in the house. I am still grieving the marriage breakdown but I no longer have the cloud around the house that his moods and outbursts brought. I wish you well

He's taken the role of Professional Invalid and has decided that the rest of you can sort yourselves out. That is an unattractive prospect for anyone and frankly he needs to shape up or ship out. Out of interest what does he spend his money on? It should be spent on stuff that helps his disability really, so physio, help at home etc. There are various courses etc available to help people manage pain and cfs, has he done anything at all to help himself?

I would lay it on the line that this really is no marriage. It may take time to adjust back to a more normal life but he could start in easy stages. The sleep pattern would be first for me because that's so ridiculous. If you want to try to make the marriage work then give him an ultimatum. If you've just had enough and have begged him to sort himself out too many times then it's ok to tell him it's over. He doesn't have a terminal disease, you aren't a baddie for wanting out. In all likelihood people around you are wondering why the hell you put up with him. Why do you?

Even to my shame the kids birthdays as he won't get up in the morning to watch them open their presents so I make them wait otherwise there will be an argument.. Hell the fuck no!

The lengths you have gone to enable his PA behaviour is shocking and the involvement of your children, well you said it first, is shameful.

Right now you should focus your energies on getting to a place where you can overcome the fear of changing this lonely dysfunctional existence.

You can do this, you really can and if your own unhappiness isn't a catalyst, think about the dysfunctional relationship model your modelling your children.

I have to reiterate, brokenegg41 you are NOT a crap mother! Goodness, there's so many similarities between you and I :( . I didn't realise just how shitty things were until we separated. IMO, you're trying the very bloody best that you can and are realising that despite this, you are all unhappy.

You don't have to live like this.

You worry and care about him, walking on eggshells and accommodating his moods, is he at all concerned about your welfare and well-being? Does he show any care in terms of words and actions and are they congruent?

your responsibility is to yourself and your dcc. His responsibility is to himself and his dcc. You are not looking after yourself. He is only looking after himself. If you are to continue looking after your dcc , you must rid yourself of this burden before you breakdown mentally /physically. Getting legal advice is the first step towards a better life for you and your dcc. Wd it be easier if you get another place to live and just leave him there. Do you both own the house and wd need to sell it? Take the first step to freedom and the next will be easier and so on. You can do it.

Guilt and obligation to him are making you want to stay. But he's checked out of your relationship already. You have to look after yourself too!!! His chronic illnesses should not stop you from having life fulfillment. It's not your fault or your dcs. You are feeling responsible for his happiness, yet he isn't returning that to you or your dc. So, hopefully the counsellor will support you with sorting out how to do what you want to do. It might be something he wants too, but is too scared to discuss it with you.

OP having seen my DM go through pretty much the same with my DF (especially the "living at night" thing. He was basically living in the same house but by himself) for ten years, it is an incredibly hard situation to live and I agree you need proper counseling. Perhaps also check if there are support groups in your area? My DM is now running one and she really regrets not joining one before DF passed away last year. I also think he would have benefitted from counseling because I suspect isolation lead him to a depressive state.

Look after yourself, hope you find a way to deal with it

OP I really feel for you, I'm in a similar position only without children, I can really relate to you saying "it's the coat he wears", it seems to me that my partner almost embraces his problems, they do secure him benefits after all. He does nothing to help himself, nothing to try and counteract his condition, it's as if he's slipped nicely into this lifestyle and just lives it, has given in to it, he's been told he needs to make lifestyle changes but of course they don't know what they're talking about.
I know what you mean when you say you have a ball of anger in the pit of your stomach, I absolutely cringe when I hear him on the phone telling people he's bedridden. He's 44. Cringing now typing this. If I were you I'd get out now, you are clearly a lot younger than me if you have little ones. Grab yourself a normal life if you possibly can!

Hi OP again, what exactly does your OH do in his nocturnal existance? Cos if he´s able to go to the kitchen and feed himself he can chuffing well clean up after himself! Also, when the kids wake in the morn, why can´t he actually contribute and help get them breakfasted and clean up the breakfast things for instance? Cos if he´s physically capable of moving from room to room he´s perfectly capable of sorting the kids breakfast ( at a minimum! ) in the morn and doing the dishes so you aren´t coming back to a shit tip after work.

Could he not also prepare some food for tea when you guys all get in so that you can all sit and eat as a family once a day? Something basic or stick something in the slow cooker? I would be bubbling over with resentment and seething if I was running round like a blue-arsed fly every morning, tending to kids and getting myself ready and out the door on time, then have to come back to a pig sty with no food prepared. Ever! He may be depressed but there´s only so much sympathy a person can give. Esp if he´s deliberately turned nocturnal to avoid lending a hand and playing on the computer all night! He sounds like a fucking free-loader and I just couldn´t live like that indefinately.

Re the depression, he has to acknowledge that he does in fact have a problem and want to change. You´ve got enough on your plate, you can´t carry him aswell.

Did you say previously that you´d been on hols with the kids and left him behind? So how did he cope then? Can you imagine if you were ever hospitalized ( God forbid )? How would he deal with that do you think?? You are utterly unsupported and you´re being a single parent anyway. Don´t let guilt keep you from getting out and improving your quality of life. Don´t be a martyr for God´s sake, to someone who you feel obligated to even though they feel zero obligations to you. When is the care and consideration ever reciprocated?

Don´t let your 40s disappear in a blur of misery, all because you lacked the courage to voice your feelings. You do have a voice you know. And rights to enjoy a happy family life. It must be such a dismal, oppressive atmosphere at home.

And I totally agree with Bettedavis, stop adhering to what he prefers. Bollocks to creeping about the house and never having the radio on like normal people! He lost the right to be King of the Castle when he decided to contribute fuck all to his family and household and defer all responsibilities to you. You´re the one keeping this boat afloat! You need to get assertive girl!

I think I have a crush on moomin :)
Please take her advice!

teehee...give over I just get that vexed on behalf of OPs sometimes. Well, a lot actually!

I have been reading and re reading your advice all day. I'm off work today so after the school run I spoke to him. I told him the sleeping during the day had to stop as he was having no involvement with the kids. He got angry, said he couldn't help it etc. Told me I was looking for a fight and to just go ahead and use him as a punch bag even though he feels ill. Said I'm always calling him a useless cunt so he feels shit etc. That's his default expression I've never called him that ever.
I walked away rather then have a row and he went to sleep. On the sofa! !!

Right now this second I'm waiting for him to give me a lift to the counseller. I can't drive so had to ask. This involved waking him up and what he's doing now is why I dont wake him up.
He's staggering round the house, swearing under his breath enraged I've woken him. Saying oh you want something from the useless cunt then !! Hes heavy breathing and groaning.
I've picked Dc3 up from school he's ignored him. he tried to tell him something he saw on t.v and he's not replied.

My god. Even now I'm thinking perhaps he really does feel ill and I shouldn't have woken him. But even if you feel dreadful you don't act like this and create this horrible horrible atmosphere? ???

he's guilt tripping you,op by putting nasty words in your mouth . He wants to live like this and you and your dcc do not. As you are paying for the car, please learn to drive-away from him.

Sorry but cry me a river. He has felt ill for 12 years constantly? He has just got the hump as you have told him a few home truths.
Please ignore this crap and get rid of him..go to your appointment and get your life back .

Feeling ill is not license to shirk nor to treat others like shit.

My mom was four weeks away from dying of cancer, frail, thin, no doubt frightened out of her wits, and she insisted on doing things like making me and others food for our freezers, and going with another sick friend to friend's doctor appointments, and otherwise contributing as best she could to the people in her life. And was cheerful and kind. And I guarantee you she felt a lot worse than your husband does. No doubt other posters could provide you with similar examples.

His attitude of entitlement, self-pity, malingering and nasty disrespect is the problem, not his disability. What was he like "before" ? Did he work? Was he ever a full partner? Again, he must have basically thrown in the towel on life at about age 30??! Yet expects others to care for him and be kind? Hogwash.

He's attacking you to cover his own issues. He sounds abusive.

My DM is a less serious example of this. Health problems from a young age meant people pandered to her. Now she is anxious and avoidant, and she gets away with it by exaggerating her physical problems to get out of responsibilities. She works part time, my dad works full time and does all shopping, cleaning, cooking and takes on all budgetary and planning matters. Yet mum thinks she has a hard life.
Without the health problems, everyone would have told her to sort herself out decades ago.

Why don´t you write this letter that some of us have recommended, stating all your reasons and how miserable you are and how the kids are negatively affected etc etc, print it out and leave it for him to read before you go to work?

I think a letter is not a cowardly way at all, it´s a way to explain all of your feelings without being interrupted and shouted down. You would never be able to sit and discuss things rationally would you? He just wouldn´t listen. He has no interest in your feelings. They mean fuck all to him.

I don´t think any amount of counselling is ever gonna resolve things but I feel you´re staying cos you feel duty-bound. Even if you make it because of the kids, so they can have a happy, normal home-life, you do need to get out. Can you imagine the next 10 yrs like this but just gradually getting worse? It´d be like living in purgatory! And no way is that fair on your kids.

Are friends and family aware of the situation? Do they not visit and think it´s very weird? I´m just wondering what outsiders think of the whole mess.

Seriously, you need to get out. For your kids´ sake if not for your own.

Wow. tell him that you are done with this utterly ridiculous behaviour, he has the rest of the day & night to recover from being obliged to drive you to pick up his son. What a monster he has become.
Enough .

If I had one piece of advice for you while you get to the point of leaving this self-named useless cunt ?

Learn to drive

I've reported John.

OP, I've changed my mind. I'm thinking never mind all the touchy-feely trying to help him change. Just do what AnyFucker says and cut out the middle man. He's actually disgusting and shouldn't be around your children. He's sucking the joy out of life for you all and seems perfectly happy doing so.

DH has had times of serious ill health. You know he slept an awful lot but he made the effort to get up at the time which was most beneficial to help out with the DC. Also it's about effort - your H is not making any effort AT ALL to contribute to family life.

If he was giving 100% and achieving that much you may still be resentful but it would be his illness robbing the family rather than his attitude.

What would it cost him to be awake after school giving DC3 a cuddle whilst they watch TV together (even if H nods off after sleep)???

Sounds like very passive aggressive behaviour. Horrible to live with.

How did the counselor go?
Have you made any decisions?

My dh is on disability allowance suffers from serious depression. Everyday while l work he makes dinner washes floors whatever needs doing. I did have to leave a note in the beginning with a list but now it's routine. He would absolutely love to stay in bed every morning as that is his worst time but he has set himself a rising time and sticks to that.
Also have a friend who got MS when youngest kid only 5. He practically reared that boy singlehandedly. He was in a wheelchair but they had a great thing going. He did all homework read all the stories they painted together and played endless board games and had favourite programmes to watch and later teams to follow. They were a real little unit.
Recommend book called Emotional Black mail by Susan Forward. All that crap he comes out with is to put fear into you. She gives great strategies for counteracting it all.