feel like I'm losing my mind. ...

[Brokenegg41]

Together 25 years. 3 dc. He hasn't worked since 2002 due to chronic illness and is now registered disabled.
I do everything. Including work full time. We have a childminder for after school care and holidays.
I'm exhausted and lonely.
It's too long to list all the ways I'm unhappy.
A snap shot of my life is today.
For the past month he hasn't been able to sleep at night so is awake all night and sleeps all day.
So today I got out of bed to see to ds and he got in it. He doesn't say a word. Doesn't check that's ok thst I'm alright etc. Just gets in bed presuming I'm here to do everything.
I've done breakfast lunch washing drying homework tidying just everything. he's still in bed. I'm about to start dinner. He'll probably get up when I put ds back to bed.
Ds (5) genuinely has practically nothing to do with dh. Older 2 slightly more so as he was more present when they were younger and of course they are older. But pretty much everything emotionally and practically with the kids is down to me.

He hasn't left the house since the start of January due to his disability except twice when he was well enough to run eldest dc to youth club.

I'm just so drained. I'm exhausted.

He offers to leave tells me he's clearly being a burden making life difficult etc . I want to scream yea yiu are go away go away! !"But how can I? He has nothing.
I read on here about women getting their ducks in a row so they can support themselves. I don't even need to do that! I work i pay all the bills everything is in my name. All he gets is his dla. Obviously we share my income but his only money is that.

I utterly sympathise thst he is so ill but I'm so tired of it. He's so angry and bitter and hateful about everything. He hates the fact he's ill but seems to be determined that everyone feels sorry for him.
Sometimes I feel like he exaggerates his symptoms just to preempt bring asked to do anything.

I feel like I need this to be over. My kids have literally no day to day interaction with him. Right now we're down here and he's just up there like a malevolent presence.
I feel physically sick.
I don't know what to do! !!

Arthritis and cfs and he has totally checked out of taking responsibility for any amount of supporting the household, of parenting, of being a decent human being let alone a decent husband?!!!

Can't help but note he hasn't worked since 2002 but managed to father a child in 2009 or 2010. How did he plan to support/rear that child? I'd stop the sex ASAP.

For perspective: I worked with a man who had, in addition to some other congenital ailments, to live on kidney dialysis due to organ failure and also lost both legs below the knee - in his late 40s/early 50s - due to diabetes. And yet he got up and went to work every single day (other than when hospitalized) as a journalist! To support his family! He had to go out into the field nearly every day, write on stressful deadlines, maintain a professional appearance and commute 30 miles each way to the office. And he managed. He also took his sons skiing, cheering them from the sidelines, helped them with college work and then helped the older son start a sandwich restaurant in his college town.

I'm not saying your husband's "disability" is non-existent but his inability to DO ANYTHING constructive is entirely in his mind.

Stop worrying about HIM and start worrying about this godawful existence for yourself and your kids. Surely there must be some sort of counseling or social services you qualify for? And something he must qualify for to help him establish his own house. Or, let him move back in with his mother or another relative. You have to get yourselves out of this toxic, miserable situation. Stop letting him manipulate you with his self-pity and attempts to guilt you.

I have nothing constructive to add but just wanted to give you And And say you are amazing!
Please start thinking of yourself..You have one life please give yourself a happy one xx

I have nothing constructive either, Im so sorry, but please do recognise that your needs as a person are just as valid as his as someone with a disability. Work out what makes you happy and go for it.

Yes he is under the hospital. He goes quite a bit.

Lealander I agree with you. I see others that are far worse every day ( I'm nhs staff ) and I just want to scream at him. It's like he has decided he's ill and that's it. This is the coat he wears now.
Dc3 was born in 2010 and was a total accident and one i decided to keep. Ironically he was much much more involved with the children back then and used to leave the house and at least contribute emotionally. As it stands now I would never ever have another child with him. I don't regret Dc3 though he's my joy.

I know what I have to do I just can't seem to do it. I can't put my finger on what's stopping me. I certainly don't want another relationship. I just want a home where we can be happy. Where we aren't stuck upstairs if he falls asleep on the sofa. Where the children aren't shouted at for making noise. Where we don't have to plan everything around him. Even to my shame the kids birthdays as he won't get up in the morning to watch them open their presents so I make them wait otherwise there will be an argument.
Where we could actually eat out in a restaurant. We can't at the moment as he has food issues and hates being out. Where we could go abroad.
Oh just a life where we could put the radio on in the morning instead of whispering.

I've booked an appointment with a counsellor after work tomorrow. I'm hoping she will help me. I don't know if I'm more scared of leaving or never leaving.
I'm clearly a fucking terrible mother.

I agree with everybody else. You´re gonna burn out soon due to exhaustion and then where will you and the kids be? Everybody, it seems, is depending on you! I think I´d have a nervous breakdown if I were leading your life indefinately. I mean, what is your alternative? How long do you think you can carry on as you are??

He def sounds depressed. The sleeping during the day is a classic sign. He can totally withdraw and avoid you all and life in general. Obv anyone who experiences sleep disturbance would deal with it in various ways, even if this means getting some sleeping pills as a temporary measure. I find melatonin supplements very beneficial. Has he even gone to the Drs about his sleep?

Cos, as prev mentioned, he seems to do a chuffing good job of sleeping during the day! Or is he up and down to the loo then too? Is it cos sleeping in the same bed affects his sleep? Is there a spare bed, or get separate duvets? He is def capable of more than he´s doing but he´s choosing not to. Even if he is very limited in what he can do. But to not partake in family life at all and effectively opt-out of his marriage and kids growing up......

I think he´s depressed, he´s resigned himself to his condition and has chosen the self-pitying route rather than the ¨Fuck this, I´m not gonna let this condition beat me and dictate who I am!¨ route. No matter how ill, people always have options. They can give in or they can fight it and live their lives to the best of their abilities. That´s why I think it´s more psychological with your OH than his illness making him how he is.

It´s now got to the stage where he´s bitter, spiteful, resentful, accusatory etc etc....I don´t blame you for finding it bloody difficult when you´ve been together so long. Maybe you feel disloyal? From age 16yrs he´s all you´ve known! But if you seriously can´t say it to him ( even with a glass of vino for Dutch courage on board?) maybe write an email/letter with your feelings and thoughts, a real outpouring of honesty?

But one way or another, he´s gonna have to be told. Maybe the ultimatum will give him a kick up the pants and he´ll realise just what it is he stands to lose and he´ll fight for it? But for your own health and sanity you need to let him know your thoughts and feelings exactly. Nobody can do it for you unfortunately.

No your not at all but i would stop changing things for his benefit. His/ your children won't thank him when they are older and sat round waiting for their presents. And upstairs as he is asleep? Aaaahhhhhh!!! Please stop enabling him it's gone on for long enough!!
I have an awful disability and am in constant pain. I work full time and bring up my three boys too. I feel so cross for you. This is not your fault but you have to kick this into touch. He should be contributing if not financially then emotionally. You are doing it all alone already just kick the biggest child to the kerb....
I would be embarrassed if I were him.

Well, for a start, don't all stay upstairs when he falls asleep on the sofa. You wake him up and remind him that bedrooms are for sleeping in and living rooms are for living in. If he needs to sleep he does it where he's not disturbing everybody.
Put the radio on in the morning if you want to. If he doesn't like it then that's tough. He does nothing all day so I really wouldn't worry about disturbing him. You need to stop pussy footing around him tbh.
My h is currently out of work and does very little other than play games on his phone and watch Jeremy Kyle and suchlike and gets to bed around 2am. He had the cheek to complain the other morning that I had woken him with my hairdryer as I was getting ready for work I soon gave him short shrift I can tell you
Hope your counsellor is helpful tomorrow

Poor you brokenegg. I left about 4 months ago on my own with 3 kids. Similar story minus any illness. I was petrified too, had wanted out for so long and kept trying but in the end I had to make that huge step, of leaving with the kids with pretty much nothing.
I was so miserable, the kids felt it all and I knew my health would suffer if I stayed.
I feel your pain and anxiety, I understand your fears and maybe guilt?
You might not do it for a while but it looks like you are going to have to.
You still have a life to live, you cannot live it for him.
It's hard but I feel free now. I'm free of the control, guilt, put downs and stress. I've made myself busy, started a new course, decorated a new home and done all sorts of things in 4 months.
It takes some guts, especially for me as I'm a fairly introvert person and always feeling guilty, but you will get there if you want to.

He has emotionally checked out of family life due to what sounds like depression.

You are finding it hard to ask him to leave as he has been part of your life for such a very long time, since you were 16. Of course it's hard.

I would have that counselling session, or perhaps some CBT type sessions where you can do some mental rehearsal techniques and feel supported going forwards.

Good luck

OP, I have inflammatory arthritis, I work FT and I'm also a single parent.
If your DH can sit at a computer for an hour, he could probably drive or do something else constructive to help you.

And as a PP said, you and your kids should stop pussy footing around him and his moods, and carry on as normal in the house.

I'd be raging TBH, time to LTB. He's clearly self obsessed and doesn't even engage with your kids.

Ill or not, your husband sounds like a selfish fucker OP. He's clearly decided that he is no longer going to participate in any sort of meaningful life - don't let him drag you down with him.

Could you write him a letter telling him you've had enough? Sounds cowardly but it opens the dialogue indirectly.

I did this with my STBXH. No illness in his case just severe laziness & being an emotional cripple. I was terrified of telling him I'd had enough because of how he'd react. So I wrote it all down & left the letter on the sofa & took the DC out. A few terrifying hours later I went back & found him crying.

Amazingly he said it had come out of the blue, a complete shock. We were then able to talk about it because I had told him why I was unhappy in the letter without him shouting me down. By that point I was determined to see it through.

Writing it all down is very cathartic even if you don't give it to him. It may help to focus your thoughts.

We're a year on & have been on holiday without the usual stress of grumpalot. The house is peaceful, the DC spend time downstairs rather than hiding in their rooms.

I wish you luck

I am 31 and have severe chronic pain after I lost my leg below the knee 10 years ago, this leaves me unable to wear a prosthetic limb. I have osteo arthritus in both hips and my 'good' knee. I have CFS and Fibromyalgia. I take codeine multiple times a day along with anti inflamatories and pills to help with my nerve end pain.

I started work in November. I kind of fell into it if you like. I havent worked since my accident as last year was the first year I havent had any operations, I am currently as stable as i will ever be. And so I applied to my local supermarket as a temp on the checkouts during christmas. 10 mins from my house and down the road from my sons school. Im still there. I thought I would try as a temp and see how I managed. I managed ok. Am managing ok. Just. Its very very difficult and I am in constant pain which is draining, but I find I am better to push on through it.

The reason I post is because I recognise behaviours in your dh that I could feel myself falling into....feeling like life is passing you by and not actually living. And its scary being in pain and frightening, you are so worried you will end up hurting more you end up doing less and less.

Im not saying things are perfect here now. We eat a lot of processed pre prepared food if my husband isnt around and if Im not careful I do end up dozing on the sofa most days. I do the school runs (on a mobility scooter) I read and I talk to my son, I may not be able to chase him and be active but there are things I can do, even from a wheelchair. Even on my darkest days I make an effort to be interested in my sons day and get involved in family life. Because you have to. Becase they are small and time is precious. Because life can change (and does) at the flick of a switch.

If your husband does not have the emotional capacity to realise this im afraid you guys are in deep shit, but you sound like you are already awareof this. You talk of counselling which is a good and positive step in the right direction, is it something he might consider also perhaps?

This time last year I thought I might never work again and my husband cared for me full time. Now my dh works full time and I am on a permenant 30 hour contract myself, I am also the main carer for our ds.

If he wont look after himself and try to make positive steps then you are better of without him. Having to be quiet and living in such a passive aggresdive environmen will harm both you and your children.

Good luck and do feel free to pm me if you wish to do so.

You are not a terrible mother, OP. I'm sure you are a good mother. But you have fallen into some sort of trap of, literally, tiptoeing around his irrational, selfish demands. And making your kids do the same. That is pretty grim.

As others have said, stop catering to him. Tell him to sleep in the bedroom if he wants to be undisturbed. Tell him you no longer are revolving things like meals, birthday presents, etc. around his issues. Or just start doing it.

What was he like before he became "ill" ? What line of work did he pursue? Who can sit on the sidelines of the working world etc. for FOURTEEN YEARS without making any effort whatsoever? He must have been only about 30 years old at the time? And he thought for the next 40, 50, 60 years you would just be his mommy and take care of anything and everything with no effort on his part? And to top it off he doesn't even act grateful, but gripes and complains if his precious rest and routine are disturbed? Fuck that.

Does he have relatives who could take him in? It's f-ing well their turn, I would say. We have a short time on earth and you deserve to have a serene, pleasant life just as much as anyone else. If you are working at a hospital or some such facility surely there is a social worker who could tell you how he would fare on his own via government benefits and housing and such - can you gather the basic information (booklets, brochures, fact sheets etc.) and take them home to him?

He got his clutches into you when you were very young but you are still a youngish woman with time left to have a decent life. From the outside looking in it's hard to feel sympathy for him. Maybe he is clinically depressed but he makes zero effort to ameliorate the situation either for himself or for you and the kids. He has immersed himself in the identity of being an invalid with quirky, destructive habits and you know what? That is HIS problem. It is NOT your problem to fix. Your problem to fix is to either get him out of the house or get you and the kids into a different living arrangement. As I am sure many people here can tell you, you will look back and wonder wtf you were thinking to let it drag on so long.

That's inspiring 3dogs. You sound like you've overcome some huge hurdles and yet you still carry on.

3dogs that's very humbling.... well done you.
Life is so precious and we need to grab it. It's easy to get in the 'woe is me' it's important to make every day count :)

My dad had nothing to do with us even though he lived in the same house. He doesn't even know when my birthday is or how old I am. It really fucked me up. In my 20s, I put up with any old shit from guys just to get male attention.

Something needs to change at least for your kids sake.

YES, leaLeander's post.
Do not not be afraid of him, or dread his reaction,or fear lots of shouting & criticism.
So what? What is he going to do? Leave ?
You provide everything, he has in spite of doing little or nothing for 14 years, managed to become a emotional abuser.
He may be depressed, he may be sick. But has sucked all the goodness out of your marriage, & soon your kids will hate him, & think you are weak for accepting the unacceptable.
Is it rented accommodation?

You do not leave, He must.

Yes it's rented. Because of his disability we qualify for some in work benefits so in some way he feels that's his contribution. The money is paid into my account but I take out half and give it to him when we receive it. My entire salary pays the bills and rent. We live in London so it's expensive. So basically we are dependent on those benefits.

I hear what you are all saying and it's a conclusion I've come to myself. I know I really do. I feel ill. Sick. I'm just gazing into space half of the time. This permanent ball of fury thst feels like indigestion.

He was awake again last night so up and about when I left to do the school run. He spoke to the kids and put Dc3 coat on. No other help and I bet the dishes will be on the side.

I need him to give me a lift to the counseller tonight as well but no doubt he'll be asleep now.

Thank you for your help everyone. I've got to do this.

He receives his own dla I don't get thst

So he gets half the rent value and all of his DLA to himself, while all of your money goes on bills? This is getting worse!

You really are a saint please look after yourself

Don't give him half that money when it next goes in the account. It's not his pocket money! Neither is the DLA. He is taking you for a mug. He's living a party, but complaining about his tough life

Hopefully seeing the counsellor will help you to decide whether to ask him to leave immediately.

If not, things need to change and they need to change now.

Could you attend his next hospital appointment with him? Explain the situation to the consultant and ask what he or she would advise. You might find they are shocked by how little he is managing. They could refer him to the pain clinic who can arrange for him to see a psychologist.

Stop making allowances for him. If he's on the sofa, wake him up. Only offer care you are sure he needs. If he is outraged and won't listen to your explanations, well, tell him the other choice is to leave.

I think it's obvious most of this is psychological. You can't deal with this any more. He needs to get help or ship out..make sure these are his only two options.