A barefoot conundrum concerning boundaries (D/s)

[violettahatesoperatta]

If anyone can help me figure this one out I would really appreciate it as I can't seem to come to a conclusion.

So living apart from my ex. I have a new guy. He has a new woman and I am genuinely very happy for him. The other fact is that all four of us are in D/s relationships; indeed my ex was my first Dom. Ex and I have two kids, 7 and 9.

Right so. Ex lives with new woman in the house that we both own. Now my ex has a very specific fetish; a foot one to be precise. He especially likes heels and very much likes barefoot women.

The new lady enjoys walking around barefoot and I do genuinely believe that this is something she has always done. However, ex is obviously 'over the moon' that she is this way inclined. The trouble is; they are doing this around the kids.

So in autumn last year, my youngest, DS1, comes to me and says that they all went for a walk in the local woods and the new woman was barefoot.

Now on the face of it, you can say 'what's wrong with walking around barefoot'? and that is absolutely correct; it's a natural state to be in. But.. but.. this is a fetish of my ex's and try as I might, there is something about this that disturbs me. Believe me, I am very very broad minded. But this is different; these are my children.

This all escalated last night when, again, DS2 comes to me and starts describing the new shoes the woman has. It wasn't clear if he was talking about pointe shoes or fetish ballet boots. Cue a monster argument this morning. They were ballet shoes. Pointe shoes. I would not be suprised that the ballet lessons she is meant to be taking though are in order for her to wear those fetish shoes as, guess what, that is another big one of his. But regardless; DS2 had found them and wanted to try them on which he did.

I really don't care what they get up to; truly I don't but I am obviously really concerned about any impact it might have on the kids. I appreciate that this really is a very fine edge to this situation. It hinges on perception.

So, I have talked to him about the barefoot issue and he has minimised it, as I expected he would do.

So; what do I do? What can I do? Am I a raving loon?

But as his fetish is feet ( and seemingly anything that goes on them in term of footwear or not) How on earth can the children avoid being exposed to feet and shoes FGS?

If his fettish was rubber, and the kids came home ad said ''Daddy has a diving suit hanging in the kitchen'' Yes that would be wrong, but shoes...and feet?

This woman is actively going out of her way to turn the ex on in front of the children.

That is weird.

My new bf has got his kids over for the wkend- we're taking them to the woods- I'm going to go barefoot coz new bf really gets off on that.

Ummm. Yeah, she's really got the kids interests at heart.
I'd be wary.

OP make you should teach your DC not to touch other peoples stuff!

'Maybe' that should've said!

I'm wondering how much of this is projection worrying about what would happen if your own fetish was found out by the DC?

Well I think it's always a worry Jefferson but I really 't think it is projection.

Pinkyrose I believe he saw them and asked to try them on. He's well brought up

I'm sorry OP but you're being ridiculous.

Are you only submissive in the confines of your bedroom? Because if you aren't, I'd think that would be a poorer example to set than being barefoot. How would you react if you're Ex raised your submissiveness as inappropriate in your children's presence?

I get your discomfort about the idea of your Ex being sexually aroused around your children but I'm guessing his gf is always barefoot in the house (I am and no kink invoked) and he can't possibly be sexually aroused all the time she is barefoot.

If you hadn't known about his fetish then you'd be none the wiser, which is where your kids are at. Do you think his fetish is contagious? Does your son trying on her shoes trigger some irrational fear (you say his fettish dates back to childhood)?

I get that this woman is a presence in your children's lives but your comments about 'her not being in his league' just sound petty and judgemental. Apparently your 'broad mindedness' doesn't extend further than your own kink.

I don't really understand this dilemma. I mean where do you stop. Everyone has certain preferences for attire that they find sexually arousing. For example nylon stockings are a biggy for many red blooded males. Is it therefore inappropriate for there partner to wear nylons when the kids are around for fear that they might find out in later life there dad has a 'thing' for them. As long as the nudges and winks are not observed by the kids I can't see the issue

Are you only submissive in the confines of your bedroom? Because if you aren't, I'd think that would be a poorer example to set than being barefoot. How would you react if you're Ex raised your submissiveness as inappropriate in your children's presence?

Ha! Well that would be the very height of hypocrisy considering he is a Dominant lol!

I get your discomfort about the idea of your Ex being sexually aroused around your children but I'm guessing his gf is always barefoot in the house (I am and no kink invoked) and he can't possibly be sexually aroused all the time she is barefoot.

I have no idea if he is or isn't. I would suspect that the 'barefoot walks' are a huge turn on.

Apparently your 'broad mindedness' doesn't extend further than your own kink.

But yet you do acknowledge that you understand my discomfort. How strange? :-) Did you see that bit I wrote about me also doing barefoot stuff for my ex? Or where you too busy trying to 'burn' me to properly read what has gone before? :-)

As long as the nudges and winks are not observed by the kids I can't see the issue

Yes - the kicker here is the phrase 'As long as'...

I do thank everyone for their input and as I suspected it is really dividing MN here.

I will say this though.. one one hand you have a poster up thread saying my EX is a sexual abuser and now I am being labelled as 'ridiculous'!

Only on MN lol!

Well, if he was turned on by her enormous breasts, then what? Could she never wear a low cut top?

Honestly, I think you are over thinking this.

Very interesting post Ruby and thanks for sharing. A lot of the stuff you describe in the first paragraph is bang on IMHO.

With regards to the kids, if it is me with our kids when there would've no barefoot walk in the woods; I would be wearing boots.

This is how I feel too. As I have mentioned; I too have done some barefoot stuff - over the last 20 years (!!) - and it is a fine line.

I think one of the issues with this woman is that she is a very new submissive - as in just a few months of being in the lifestyle. I suspect she has a raging sub frenzy and this is skewing some of their decision making process. I do understand this and I am trying to cut her some slack.

I think the discussion is being skewed by the insistence of using the word 'fetish' and therefore phrasing in terms which make people assume sexual behaviour.

If we replaced 'foot fetish' with almost any other 'sexually arousing feature', and put it in to a new relationship, there would be absolutely no debate on this at all.

The relationship is new, it is not unusual for new relationships to begin with a spark, it would be unreasonable to suggest that they behave differently unless their are being overtly sexual in the presence of children.

As much as I hate to come back to it OP, the more I have pondered this thread and kept track of it (out of amusement mostly, to be honest!) the more I wonder whether this is more about you than him/her. I don't doubt for a moment that you want your ex to be happy as opposed to sad, but that doesn't mean you also don't want to disapprove of things that an ex does if what appears to be a justified opportunity presents itself.

If she had large breasts and wore clothes which accentuated it, would you make the same OP? If so, why? As many people who are saying this behaviour is poor would (probably) be just as likely to trot out 'Why can't I dress attractively if that is what makes me feel good about myself and my self esteem. Surely it is good for children to see a healthy relationship where people appreciate eachother?'

The point I keep coming back to is that this is a highly (and really a purely) subjective thing, introducing morality to it is actually a red herring. Unless the children are being inappropriately and explicitly involved in foreplay or sexual encounters there is no moral issue here at all.

Just as, if my wife wears an attractive outfit for me when we go on a family outing, it is not inappropriate for my son. What could be wrong with it? She is letting me know that she appreciating my regard for her appearance, I show her appreciation by commenting on it, we each give something to eachother in this scenario without any inappropriate behaviour involving a minor.

If someone came up to us (particularly a man) and said 'your wife needs to dress poorly because you might be turned on by her attractive appearance which is inappropriate with your son here' it would be laughed out of MN in a heartbeat as sexist, and I wouldn't be surprised if a few references to nazis, or muslims, etc, would be introduced pretty fast!

If you had a genuine concern about the safety of your children then the OP would have been very different. I think you have been very honest in recognising that it is (at best) a fine line, that the situations with your DCs have been innocent and not provoked, and that in the past it is likely you have also done things for your ex which were not inappropriate even though they pleased him.

Nothing wrong with a conversation with any child, at certain transition ages, about relationships, what they mean, friendship and respecting boundaries. But I wouldn't make this 'foot fetish' thing a false casus belli for the sake of it.

All in my opinion, naturally :)

but that doesn't mean you also don't want to disapprove of things that an ex does if what appears to be a justified opportunity presents itself.

I think this is a really interesting point which I take on board and I will reflect on it.

I honestly don't think I am looking to disapprove of just the fetish. I am being absolutely honest when I say that I am a very dirty minded kinky fucker (references can be provided on request!). In some ways I am much worse than him. What has happened though is that whilst I left him, he found someone first. But I too have found someone and I am very happy.

Nothing wrong with a conversation with any child, at certain transition ages, about relationships, what they mean, friendship and respecting boundaries. But I wouldn't make this 'foot fetish' thing a false casus belli for the sake of it.

Agreed. It wouldn't be appropriate or even necessary.

I really am trying to 'own my stuff' here and I do appreciate honest opinions and views. Thank you.

Your 'he's out of her league' and 'she must be new to the community' speculation judge pants, suggests your issues run deeper then your Ex possibly being aroused while being in charge of his children.

This sounds like a boundary issue (yours, not theirs) and not a parenting one.

Oh piffle Isetan. You know very little about the situation so let me enlighten you.

When ex announced he was seeing someone I bent over backwards for her, ensuring that mutual friends knew the situation was OK and all cool with me.

My DM was worried about how to be around her and again I 'smoothed things over'. Saying that she was lovey, nice etc and ex was happy.

In fact I did everything I possibly could above and beyond the call of duty to make life easier for them because in the end the people who I did care about, my DC would benefit.

His new lady is staying under MY roof rent free. I am doing that FOR HER.

But she is displaying lack of judgement with respect to this feet issue and yes I am calling her 'limited' for walking barefoot in the woods in the middle of autumn. DS doesn't like it and asks her to put shoes on as he is worried about her hurting herself. He's good that way.

And again FYI I know she is new because my bloody ex told me! We do actually (mostly) get on you know...

Now. Care to try and burn me again? Cos the only person who is judging around here is you.

Thank you six I really appreciate it.

Maybe I should give a little background?

I spent the best part of 20 years with the ex, we grew up together. For a large part of that I was unhappy and with my 40th looming I decided to get out whilst the kids will still young-ish. I still loved him but I refused to spend the next 20 years as unhappy as I had been. I guess I made him unhappy too. We separated Summer 2014.

I find that sometimes people really struggle with the fact that I love him as a friend and want the best for him but I have no wish to be back with him. I cannot erase those last 20 years and nor would I wish too.

New woman makes him happy. Kids seem happy and well adjusted. It's in no-ones interest for me to make life a battleground (ex had a very disturbed and unhappy childhood with two warring, selfish, childish parents who both had affairs - his DF abandoned the family later. They remained un-reconciled and he died without them ever having got back in touch)

I absolutely DO NOT want to have that for the kids.

Well aren't you quite the submissive if you think my comments have been scorching.

Your generosity regarding this woman and your Ex doesn't entitle you to stand on the sidelines getting all judgemental. Your son's concern is really quite a tenuous reason to involve yourself. If anyone's in danger of making this bigger than it is, it's you and your concern sanctimony.

^ what a strange, nasty post. I don't see the relevance of referring to the OP's sexual preferences as anything other than a twisted attempt at ridicule. Clearly a fifty shades of grey fan.