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Original poster

A barefoot conundrum concerning boundaries (D/s)

116 replies

violettahatesoperatta · 21/02/2016 12:04

If anyone can help me figure this one out I would really appreciate it as I can't seem to come to a conclusion.

So living apart from my ex. I have a new guy. He has a new woman and I am genuinely very happy for him. The other fact is that all four of us are in D/s relationships; indeed my ex was my first Dom. Ex and I have two kids, 7 and 9.

Right so. Ex lives with new woman in the house that we both own. Now my ex has a very specific fetish; a foot one to be precise. He especially likes heels and very much likes barefoot women.

The new lady enjoys walking around barefoot and I do genuinely believe that this is something she has always done. However, ex is obviously 'over the moon' that she is this way inclined. The trouble is; they are doing this around the kids.

So in autumn last year, my youngest, DS1, comes to me and says that they all went for a walk in the local woods and the new woman was barefoot.

Now on the face of it, you can say 'what's wrong with walking around barefoot'? and that is absolutely correct; it's a natural state to be in. But.. but.. this is a fetish of my ex's and try as I might, there is something about this that disturbs me. Believe me, I am very very broad minded. But this is different; these are my children.

This all escalated last night when, again, DS2 comes to me and starts describing the new shoes the woman has. It wasn't clear if he was talking about pointe shoes or fetish ballet boots. Cue a monster argument this morning. They were ballet shoes. Pointe shoes. I would not be suprised that the ballet lessons she is meant to be taking though are in order for her to wear those fetish shoes as, guess what, that is another big one of his. But regardless; DS2 had found them and wanted to try them on which he did.

I really don't care what they get up to; truly I don't but I am obviously really concerned about any impact it might have on the kids. I appreciate that this really is a very fine edge to this situation. It hinges on perception.

So, I have talked to him about the barefoot issue and he has minimised it, as I expected he would do.

So; what do I do? What can I do? Am I a raving loon? Grin

OP posts:
Oldraver · 21/02/2016 13:31

If it were any other Fetish it wouldn't be considered appropriate in front of the children but they get away with it as the feet Fetish can cross the border into normal/or slightly unusual/acceptable.

If she walked down the high street bare footed she may get odd looks...but if she were wearing a dog collar and lead or a gimp mask etc it would NOT be deemed appropriate with he DC's.

I think he is enjoying muddying the waters myself knowing its hard to disagree with bare feet

Original poster
violettahatesoperatta · 21/02/2016 13:31

I wish I had these kind of problems in my life.

And how I wish this was the only one. I have many many more.

OP posts:
PushingThru · 21/02/2016 13:32

I think the wider point here is that your ex seems unconcerned with the principle of having boundaries around fetishes & children. That is a problem as you can't predict what inappropriate things they may be exposed to in addition to what you've already been told. It is completely selfish & unfair to his children.

Jessbow · 21/02/2016 13:37

But what can the woman wear on her feet if whatever she wears is going to be deemed part of is fettish? Even barefoot isn't acceptable.

museumum · 21/02/2016 13:37

I think it depends.
Does he get a raging hard on when he sees her feet?
Or is it more a gentle yet sexual appreciation like my husband might feel when I wear a bikini on holiday?
As far as I'm aware my dh has never become aroused when we take our kids swimming. I know lots of families walk about with very few clothes on at home. The partners are obviously attracted to each other's bodies but not aroused in a way that's inappropriate in front of the children.
It's tricky.

But ultimately I can't see how it can harm your children if they're totally unaware.

IamlovedbyG · 21/02/2016 13:37

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mygrandchildrenrock · 21/02/2016 13:40

I live in a small town, there are one or two people here, (I don't think they are together) who are always barefoot or in flipflops. Even with coats and hats etc. they have bare feet. I have never thought of them having a fetish, more that they are a bit eccentric. and have a hardy constitution
I think if you act very matter of fact about the new lady being barefoot, it needn't be an issue for your children.

Sixinabed · 21/02/2016 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/02/2016 15:02

i wish I had these kind of problems

What an effective way to dismiss someone's worries. Well done you.

Original poster
violettahatesoperatta · 21/02/2016 15:41

Thanks for sticking up for me Helmet. Appreciated. Smile

G - I have started another thread on money worries. So no. It's not the only one.

I do really appreciate the feedback from everyone on this thread, I really do.

OP posts:
Original poster
violettahatesoperatta · 21/02/2016 15:43

Does he get a raging hard on when he sees her feet?

I would imagine so, yes. maybe not raging. It really is a very deep seated sexual fet of his going back to infancy - primary school I seem to recall.

OP posts:
Original poster
violettahatesoperatta · 21/02/2016 15:48

Oh and in addition on further questioning the kids (gently!)

DS doesn't like her going barefoot because he's worried she might hurt herself. DD (the elder) isn't too concerned on that front.

Oh and it seems like they are beginning to tell a few porkies. The shoes were not hidden away in a cupboard which DS found through rummaging as told to me this morning; they were under a radiator in the kitchen.

OK, it's very tame I know but it does show that they aren't being as careful as I would have liked.

OP posts:
Original poster
violettahatesoperatta · 21/02/2016 15:50

Jessbow

But what can the woman wear on her feet if whatever she wears is going to be deemed part of is fettish? Even barefoot isn't acceptable.

Agreed. It's a tricky one.

OP posts:
Teacakequeen · 21/02/2016 16:00

If they're using the ballet shoes as sexual props, surely it's inappropriate to leave them where the children can find them,even if they can lie about what they're used for. Most people wouldn't want their children trying these things on. Its inappropriate. I don't under stand why it wouldn't make the father uncomfortable

Jessbow · 21/02/2016 16:13

But why would children be upset/worried/traumatised by ballet shoe under the kitchen radiator- its normal! Same as shoes in the hall and wellies in the porch.

If Ex is rubbing himself with a ballet pump in their company maybe you would have point. They are in an appropriate place, just exisiting!

far worrying if he didn't have a woman and there were ballet shoes about

amarmai · 21/02/2016 16:16

you dcc are aware of the sexual nuances but have not completely figured out what is going on. He is involving your dcc in his fetish and since he chooses to do this, he wants them involved. One son has already tried on the fetish shoes so he is becoming actively involved. Your ex's responses are disingenuous as he is obv aware that he is getting a hard on when he goes walking in the woods with his barefoot fetish partner and your dcc. This is sexual abuse and has to stop.

ProfGrammaticus · 21/02/2016 16:24

"I kind of think that the distinction needs to be drawn between a less usual form of sexual arousal (i.e the feet) and a more 'normal' type of arousal, e.g a good looking woman."

Why? Why is it not the same?

lunar1 · 21/02/2016 16:30

She is trying to turn your ex on while they are out for a walk with children. Not ok under any circumstances.

Imagine how they feel if they ever discover his fetish, it could cause huge issues regarding large portions of their childhood.

Jessbow · 21/02/2016 16:43

amarmia
That absolute rubbish - where has he involved them in anything? Strewth, we all have shoes and feet.

The child tried on the ballet shoes- the woman does ballet FGS!

Arfarfanarf · 21/02/2016 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyredrose · 21/02/2016 17:11

one son has already tried on the fetish shoes so he's becoming actively involved
Fucking lol!

Sixinabed · 21/02/2016 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flanks · 21/02/2016 17:28

I am now waiting for the argument of 'my husband has a cross dressing fetish and he took our kids to a pantomime last christmas, I now feel he is involving them in that fetish inappropriately'.

(not aimed at you OP, just some of the responses you have gotten seem to now be regarding this as one step short of forcing him on to the sex offenders register!)

VagueIdeas · 21/02/2016 17:38

I just don't think it's cool bringing kink into everyday mundane activities with the children. It doesn't matter whether the kids can "tell" or not: they're getting off on it, and that's icky. How often do they find themselves so horny they have to sneak off and shag? There's plenty of time for that when the kids aren't around.

miaowli · 21/02/2016 17:47

They're ballet shoes, amarmai. Gf takes ballet lessons. Anyway, who's to know how many husbands used to be turned on by their wives wearing, for example, pinnies, brandishing a feather duster, or stockings and suspenders, which used to be commonplace? Of course any overtly sexual behaviour in front of the children would be hideous, but I don't think that's happened, has it?

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