A barefoot conundrum concerning boundaries (D/s)

[violettahatesoperatta]

If anyone can help me figure this one out I would really appreciate it as I can't seem to come to a conclusion.

So living apart from my ex. I have a new guy. He has a new woman and I am genuinely very happy for him. The other fact is that all four of us are in D/s relationships; indeed my ex was my first Dom. Ex and I have two kids, 7 and 9.

Right so. Ex lives with new woman in the house that we both own. Now my ex has a very specific fetish; a foot one to be precise. He especially likes heels and very much likes barefoot women.

The new lady enjoys walking around barefoot and I do genuinely believe that this is something she has always done. However, ex is obviously 'over the moon' that she is this way inclined. The trouble is; they are doing this around the kids.

So in autumn last year, my youngest, DS1, comes to me and says that they all went for a walk in the local woods and the new woman was barefoot.

Now on the face of it, you can say 'what's wrong with walking around barefoot'? and that is absolutely correct; it's a natural state to be in. But.. but.. this is a fetish of my ex's and try as I might, there is something about this that disturbs me. Believe me, I am very very broad minded. But this is different; these are my children.

This all escalated last night when, again, DS2 comes to me and starts describing the new shoes the woman has. It wasn't clear if he was talking about pointe shoes or fetish ballet boots. Cue a monster argument this morning. They were ballet shoes. Pointe shoes. I would not be suprised that the ballet lessons she is meant to be taking though are in order for her to wear those fetish shoes as, guess what, that is another big one of his. But regardless; DS2 had found them and wanted to try them on which he did.

I really don't care what they get up to; truly I don't but I am obviously really concerned about any impact it might have on the kids. I appreciate that this really is a very fine edge to this situation. It hinges on perception.

So, I have talked to him about the barefoot issue and he has minimised it, as I expected he would do.

So; what do I do? What can I do? Am I a raving loon?

mm...tricky one
i can see why OP is upset , i presume you feel that your ex is getting aroused by his new gf being barefoot or in ballet shoes and this arousal is occurring infront of or around the children.

however ...men and women get aroused by many different things..is this so very different from the husband up thread looking at his wife's cleavage in low top cut accross the table and feeling desire and arousal ?? no one would think that was odd , even if kids about. or people looking and admiring strangers on a beach for instance...

i would think most of us have looked at an attractive stranger at one point in our lives and felt a flicker of sexual desire or even maybe commented on it....thats not inappopriate.

It needs to be put in perspective..if the gf being barefoot causes ex to have raging erection and he is grabbing her and enagaging in foreplay in front of children all because the barefeet are making him uncontrollably aroused then you have a problem. But if it is just the fact he looks at her barefeet and feels a nice flicker of appreciation or desire but anything more is kept for their time alone together, well thats no big deal and pretty normal really.

I wouldn't want someone that stupid involved with my kids but hey...that's what the ex likes.

Yeah, she's not really stupid but she is no where near my ex's league. No where at all. I wonder how long it will last on that point alone.

Our marriage was not very happy at times but were were intellectual equals. I can see that she adores and worships him and he is getting those 'strokes' from her that I could not, or would not give him.

That is extremely selfish. His children can't & haven't consented to witnessing kink & fetishes. & isn't consent an important cornerstone of that lifestyle?

28 messages in and I can see we are all very divided on this one. Tricky.

PushingThru

That is extremely selfish. His children can't & haven't consented to witnessing kink & fetishes. & isn't consent an important cornerstone of that lifestyle?

Too fucking right missus! A point I also made today as they are not consenting.

for me the issue would be engaging in behaviour the purpose of which is to sexually arouse, while being with the children.

That's what makes me uncomfortable with the situation too Arf.

I'd be saying: shoes on outside the house or they won't be accompanying you outside the house. Other adults will also be looking at her weirdly & this would not go unnoticed by children. Kinks don't trump children's comfort.

How new is the relationship? Could the...novelty...wear off soon?

Having dated someone with a fetish, I tend to agree with the OP that there is a big difference between your partner finding you attractive in a certain top, boots, etc, and the way your partner feels when you are doing/wearing their thing. My ex's thing wasn't anything extreme at all - I didn't look odd in it when we were out and about - but his reaction to it was so hugely, highly sexualised (always had an erection, it was all he could think about, talk about, he was staring at me all the time, etc) that I used to feel really uncomfortable wearing it when other people were about.

TheStoic really quite new... say 7 months now I think?

Six Agreed. I don't know what I can do apart for pushing for full custody and he will flight tooth and nail.

I am struggling to understand why he is putting himself in this situation when they don't have the kids half of the time and could simply save it until then...

And arf does make a good point.

I am struggling to understand why he is putting himself in this situation when they don't have the kids half of the time and could simply save it until then...

Because he can't (or won't) control himself.

She went for a woodland walk in the Autumn, barefoot???

Wasn't she cold?

Because he can't (or won't) control himself.

Possibly. But more likely he would argue that I am interfering in his life. Telling him what to do.

And no Six, she wears flip flops in winter...

I think it comes down to what someone said earlier, the way anything is presented to the children when they ask. My son loves trying on my (ridiculously) high heels. It's a curiosity. If I was to be always say, sat on the floor around my partner (as a sign of our dynamic) and was asked why by his child I would reply "because it's comfy". If I was barefoot the answer to any questions would be "because I'm more comfortable without shoes" (which is true). I think where the line has been crossed is in the chilly autumn barefoot walk.

I think this aspect is the bit you need to separate out. I'm all for teaching children they do not have to conform to societal norms, and sure.. I wander around outside in summer with no shoes on. A countryside walk, I like the feel of grass underfoot, on the beach too... Barefoot. I'll even run to the ice cream van in the street with no shoes but I still put on a pair of boots to go tramping in the mud (except at Conkers where they have the barefoot mud trail - glorious!!)

Is this really a sexually arousing thing? Only you know him - we don't. As you clearly know, not all D/s is about sex... If it's about being aroused then yes. It's utterly wrong. If it's an outward and subtle expression of their dynamic and power exchange, then as long as it's expressed correctly when queried, I wouldn't have a problem - except for the barefoot Autumn walk which was just silly.

maybe she likes being barefoot all the time , just because , not necessarily because it is a fetish ?

being barefoot is actually better for our balance, atheletic developement and general fitness...lots and lots of barefoot people in australia and NZ

perhaps suggest your ex moves there..he would love it !

plus how do you know your ex is behaving inappropriately infront of children ?
what you know is he likes barefoot ladies..and his new gf is indulging this...which in many ways is no different from choosing to wear a certain outfit because you know your dp likes you in it .

Problem is, she is always going to have feet, whatever she does and doesn't cover them with

What is going to be considered appropriate foot wear? Heels? Flats/ You don't like ballet pumps...... Trainers? Wellies? He's prob go off the beaufort scale if he's that way inclined.

You know he has a fettish, your children don't. They may come home and say ''Jenny has her ballet shoes on'' And surely you ask ''was she practicing her dancing then''

try and just normalise it when you can - tell them walking in the woods is silly with no shoes and etc.

Just because you think there is more to it, they wont realise unless you point it out.

You can tell your children that their father's girlfriend likes going barefoot - which is true. And they know that she likes doing ballet - which is also true (I don't think she would take up ballet classes just to indulge her boyfriend's ballet shoe fetish. No doubt she could just wear ballet shoes straight away without all the fuss).

Forgive my bluntness, but I don't think your ex goes around sporting a hard-on all day.

I would ask them to make sure that that there is nothing overt about it, and would keep an eye out, but if your children don't mention anything odd, I wouldn't worry too much. After all, you managed to have a D/s relationship in front of your children and they are presumably not traumatised by it.

It's definitely sexually arousing, no question. I've known him for 20 years - this fetish has always been present. It's not a control thing. She does enjoy being barefoot and has (I believe) always done it.

I now do wish I had said how daft it was to walk barefoot in the woods in near winter. Tit.

If it's being done for titillation then it's wrong, but if it's just what she does and your ex appreciates it without the sexual element, then it's fine. Sadly, you can't really tell either way, and he'll say what he thinks is acceptable.