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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've sent him this message, is this ok?

81 replies

Janeyat867 · 18/02/2016 12:02

'Today I'm taking off my wedding ring, I've really enjoyed some times we have had and I wish you the best. Unfortunately I cannot stay knowing you like to 'casually' browse escorts and you have not been at all straight with me. I know more has gone on and I'll never know what and I just cannot live with that. You have made me feel really insecure in most parts of life, I can't go on living like this wondering what you're up to, blaming you for looking at other women even if you say you're not and I can't feel worthless anymore. Goodbye'

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 19/02/2016 20:29

Thank you for your reply I'm feeling very alone, I do know she was in a circle of his old friends but I've never heard of her. The way he had behaved is appalling and all the time he made me feel loved and wanted I hadn't long had our baby I thought everything was amazing now I'm left so miserable and resentful and insecure I spoil every day every outing I can't be happy Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 19/02/2016 20:30

There's no where for us to go, I work 12 hour shifts at weekend so DCs aren't with me.

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 19/02/2016 21:06

Regardless if she's in his 'old circle of friends' what does that tell you? His history is searching for escorts locally - who cares if she's an innocent, the history he has shown is he's not to be trusted.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 19/02/2016 21:10

I don't know why I just done this but I logged into his fb, I looked into his archived messages and saw 2 messages off two different women from when we first met. 1 said he didn't know why he had stopped texting her and 1 was asking her to meet him. I'm mortified, when we met we cut contact with anyone else we had been involved with previously and we were ridiculously happy and 'in love' I feel like an absolute fucking fool.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2016 23:01

Just look at the FB thing as further evidence that you are right to end this relationship. Just don't look again, there's no point in it, it's just poking a stick in your eye.

I think I recall one of your previous posts. It's the transvestite thing that rings a bell. You've done the right thing and tbh your message to him was much nicer than he deserves.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 20/02/2016 09:24

I don't even know why I'm bothered by it tbh just shows he's always been like this, he's leaving today but keeps saying he wants half of our stuff, how do we half the TV etc? Hmm

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Original poster
Janeyat867 · 20/02/2016 09:55

Any practical advice would be great, he's saying I owe him money and he wants half of everything in our house, I only work weekends and can't afford to buy new things?

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 20/02/2016 10:00

Tell him to get a solicitor to confirm his requests.
What does he think you owe him money for?

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 20/02/2016 10:03

For his debts as he's paying off new furniture we bought, he wants half the money, I don't understand what he thinks I will do if he takes half of our stuff? Especially as DC will be here?

OP posts:
gleekster · 20/02/2016 10:10

Just agree with him (verbally) for now to get him out. Say yes, of course, we will have to sort all of that out.....

Where is he going, do you know? What will he actually need?

Then get legal advice - this is what divorce is for, to sort out all that stuff.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 20/02/2016 10:14

I don't know where he's going he said the streets? ?! Think he was pissed off, he will probably go to family's house he wants to stay til he finds somewhere else? I can't really say no? I feel ill Sad

OP posts:
gleekster · 20/02/2016 10:19

Oh OK, I don't think he is going anywhere - sorry Sad

DragonsCanHop · 20/02/2016 11:18

Take a step back and breath.

I've only recently been through what you are going through now.

Don't think about him, think about you and your darling children, you are a wonderful mother.

Where is he now?

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2016 11:57

Agree to nothing regarding finances and division of property. Tell him that will all be done during the divorce. See a solicitor now. If you have any RL friends or family, now is the time to call on their support.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 20/02/2016 16:40

We are both at work, he's been phoning me crying. I can't afford a solicitor and I don't have anyone to talk to in RL Sad

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Original poster
Janeyat867 · 20/02/2016 16:50

I feel like there's so much more that's happened I don't know about, a fair few times I've saw deleted messages etc. I'm absolutely heartbroken but I don't know how to stop loving him, I feel sorry for him because he says he doesn't want to be without me. It's so stupid of me, I don't want to get stuck in a rut again!

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Cabrinha · 20/02/2016 16:58

Well for a start tell him you are a professional and you're not interested in his sob stories whilst you're working!!!

DragonsCanHop · 20/02/2016 17:16

Who owns the house, is your name on the agreement.

Honestly, make him leave, get home and shut him out. Even just for the way he behaved last night, no one should put up with this.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 20/02/2016 17:36

I've told him not to ring, we rent it's both our names, we were saving for a house but he's took money out of that too.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2016 19:09

Stop taking his calls. Hang up. I'll tell you to please stop feeling sorry for him, but I know that's easier said than done. But do try. He doesn't deserve your pity.

As far as there being more that you don't know about, forget it. You already know enough. More would just be rubbing salt in the wound. For now, just concentrate on getting out. Don't think about loving him still, don't think about 'days gone by'. Just concentrate on extricating yourself.

Is there money still in the 'house fund' or did he take it all? If there's money left I'd advise you to take an amount equal to 1/2 the original amount and deposit it in your name only. Do not spend it, it's a marital asset. But it'll stop him from squandering it before division of property. You should also get a record of the original amount and the amount he's withdrawn. If you operate the household on joint accounts, you need to change that so your income is deposited in your own name only.

Will he be able to afford a solicitor? If so, then you'll need to try to find a way to hire one, too. It's common here (US) that if one party cannot afford an attorney, the other party will be asked to pay (assuming respective income warrants it). I'm not sure about in the UK But at any rate you should be able to find a solicitor that can do a 30 minute consult for free and hopefully you can get some questions answered. And call CAB, they may be able to help you.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 20/02/2016 20:00

I can't believe he shouted like that at a little boy who is ill in the middle of the night. That kind of thing stays with a child.

The man is a piece of shit. No excuses. I don't know any father who would behave like that.

For that alone I would be not be with him a second longer. I could have no respect, affection or love for someone who spoke to a child like that.

I hope things work out for you and your children. You'll be so much happier without him in your life.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 20/02/2016 20:21

I couldn't afford a solicitor Sad I've took the rest of the money and hid it it's not much just £500. I could use that but I want to keep it for now incase I owe rent etc. I'm shocked and disgusted in myself I have turned into someone I'm not I even lose my temper myself a lot it's so horrible. I feel like such a failure how is he so nice but doing all this shit behind my back. Why why why did I believe him? I trusted every word he said and every word was a lie. I'm heart broken, Sad I've just got in from work he's still at work. I'm just at a loss!!!

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CalleighDoodle · 20/02/2016 20:36

It didnt take long to find the underlying problems did it? He isnt getting all his own way and has shown himself to be an absolute cock.

A solicitor will be worth the money. Try to find it x soeak to the bank anout putting a hold on any joint accounts so he doesnt empty them.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 20/02/2016 20:37

Is it normal to feel completely devastated and upset then angry and annoyed? I wish I could just keep this anger up but I feel weak!

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WickedWax · 20/02/2016 20:44

Every time you feel weak, remember your DH shouting in the face of your ill DC, telling him he is a disgusting boy. That should be enough for anyone. I don't even know him and I'm not a violent person but I'd like to smash his face in just for that.