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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've sent him this message, is this ok?

81 replies

Janeyat867 · 18/02/2016 12:02

'Today I'm taking off my wedding ring, I've really enjoyed some times we have had and I wish you the best. Unfortunately I cannot stay knowing you like to 'casually' browse escorts and you have not been at all straight with me. I know more has gone on and I'll never know what and I just cannot live with that. You have made me feel really insecure in most parts of life, I can't go on living like this wondering what you're up to, blaming you for looking at other women even if you say you're not and I can't feel worthless anymore. Goodbye'

OP posts:
Phoenix69 · 18/02/2016 16:15

Browses escorts & Lies about money. 2 reasons very good reasons for sending your message. Well Done. Move on to better things.

pocketsaviour · 18/02/2016 17:15

Yeah, there must have been underlying problems to make him look

That would be the underlying problem of him being a cunt.

Fairenuff · 18/02/2016 17:17

Is he going to collect a bag of clothes and move out tonight or do you think he will kick up a fuss OP?

Bodhicitta · 18/02/2016 17:58

I hope you are OK Op and I think you're doing great. I've been where you are (not escorts but an affair) and when I finally found the strength to end it, well it was so liberating!
Life just kept getting better from there and it will for you too Flowers

LineyReborn · 18/02/2016 18:03

And it's an underlying cunt theory vote here from me, too.

(So now we have mansplainy-defending going on on MN, too, in Relationships. Ffs.)

Cabrinha · 18/02/2016 18:09

Yep, underlying problem is that He. Is. A. Cunt.

Don't even date suggest that anything that OP has done could ever be the cause of his shitty behaviour.

My XH used prostitutes. I knew it wasn't my fault. But I guess there was that teeny tiny nagging voice of bullshit... what if he did only look (that's enough, though) what if he never actually went through with it until I couldn't / wouldn't have sex with him any more, because of the looking?

Well, I thought I knew it wasn't me.

Then, 6 weeks into his next relationship I found out that he was at it again. Poor new GF. She hadn't had time to to contribute to any underlying problems!

I felt a sense of relief though - the final bit of proof that it was never my fault. The underlying problem was... cuntness.

OP, it's not your fault either.

gleekster · 18/02/2016 18:16

I think I remember your previous posts and it was clear back then he was a lying bastard.

I am sure you will be far happier without him. Flowers

whostolethesocks · 18/02/2016 19:13

Wow you are so brave and absolutely doing the right thing. I found out what my ExH was doing when my children were very young. It just ruined everything and after that there was no trust and no intimacy. We went on like this for far too long trying to keep the family together. In the end he started an affair with an ex-girlfriend. Good luck to them! I can't say I'm happy now as my marriage failed and it makes me sad I put up with this and see so many of my friends with good marriages but at least I'm not in a deceitful one.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 18/02/2016 19:37

Thank you everyone, still no reply, he's at work til 1 so I'll be asleep by then I doubt he will kick a fuss why kids are asleep. It could be he's never done anything but he looked that's enough for me, how little must he respect me? I've tried so hard and now I'm just left with anger and resentment. I'm gutted though :( still crying....

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 18/02/2016 20:01

Oh dear, I'm so sorry he's made you feel this way.

The thread has moved on a lot since my first post - yes, using private settings, always deleting history etc. is a clear indication he's still looking.

He might just be looking. He might be just messaging. He might be meeting up. Anything would be a huge betrayal, I'm sure after all you've been through previously.

Have you got a friend to support you in RL?

arsenaltilidie · 18/02/2016 21:31

Looking at porn is one thing. But looking at LOCAL prostitutes, coupled with being FB friends with one suggests to me he's a prolific 'punter'.
I don't think prostitutes give out their real details unless it's a regular 'customer'.
Someone hasn't mentioned it but you might want to get tested for STI.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 19/02/2016 08:55

I have no one in RL and yeah I've been for a few stis. Last night he slept on sofa and I got up with DC who had sickness and dihorrea. He didn't want to go back to bed so H ran in his room and started shouting in his face telling him to get to sleep and that he was a horrible boy and was disgusting for pooing himself. I've got up this morning and he's went into the bedroom and back into bed! I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/02/2016 09:17

Wake him up and tell him he's leaving now.

If he becomes violent with either you or the DCs, call the police.

I'm so sorry he's being such a cunt. Your poor little boy! Sad

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 19/02/2016 12:47

Thanks for the reply, I was in the bathroom with DCs came in and he's gone? Doesn't look like he's took anything. His phones off, I just don't know what to do!

OP posts:
DragonsCanHop · 19/02/2016 13:55

How old are your DC ad are you ready to say enough is enough?

I put a bag of his things outside, locked Al the doors with keys left in the lock and sent him a message to say where his things are and if he makes a fuss collecting them call the police.
protect yor children and yourself, you can do this.

pocketsaviour · 19/02/2016 14:00

What an awful thing for him to say to your poorly DC Shock

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 19/02/2016 15:28

Hi my DCs 18 month and 7 (7 yo not his) i feel ready to let go then have terrible weak moments I think I'm a bit scared of how he may react in fairness. I couldn't put anything outside as we live on a main road!

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 19/02/2016 17:00

He says he knew this 'escort person' they met through friends but didn't know she was an escort when he spoke to her they just said hello how are you etc.... It was about 6 month later I found him looking at escorts and that's when I saw her face he said he only found out himself then. Would you believe that?

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 19/02/2016 17:01

Nope

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 19/02/2016 17:04

I know they have a lot of mutual friends on Facebook so that does add up but I think he must of knew, all of these people must know she's an escort, she's on 3 different sites...

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 19/02/2016 18:13

I feel completely lost, have I been taken for a mug?

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 19/02/2016 19:49

Anyone? Feeling pretty shit...

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 19/02/2016 20:07

Janey I'm here & I'm not surprised that you're feeling shit!

Firstly, you are NOT a mug! You, like a lot of us have placed your trust in someone because you loved them and you are a decent person (do not forget this!)

Secondly you need to remember that this is not about him, as strange as that may sound, but it's about how this (his) fucking behaviour has made you feel! People like him will never change - in my opinion. He appears to have a very 'entitled to' perception of life.

I have been through very similar, but there were no children involved- thankfully!

He needs to leave. He has betrayed your trust beyond recognition & that is his problem. If he doesn't understand that, then he is more of a cunt than others have said.

You are worth soooo much more- either on your own, or with someone else.

Lacoba66 · 19/02/2016 20:11

Oh, and if your still contemplating the Facebook stuff.. My ex 'friended' an escort and then told me he thought she was someone else....random-not!

AtSea1979 · 19/02/2016 20:14

You're going to feel up and down. Is there somewhere you can go and stay with DC for the weekend?