What is your relationship like with your ex if you have children ?

[Whoareyou765]

Just that really.
Are you friends?
Do you spend time all together? (Not including childrens birthday and christmas - school plays)
Do you show an active interest in the others life ?

Or are you civil ?
See each other minimally at contact ?
Have little conversation etc.

I'd be interested to know.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post dustmyduvet. I have tried the no contact route after months and months of him using daily phone calls under the guise of 'talking about the dc' to critisize and abuse me. Unfortunately he now refuses to communicate by any other means other than phone call. If he does start though (very common) I just hang up but sometimes find myself being drawn into defending myself.

Our eldest DD recentky went through some huge emotional problems, at 6 years old she had mentioned suicide. It was really difficult to find any help but after speaking to a child psychologist from young minds, she suggested we needed family counselling. But XH wouldn't consider it. Thankfully DD seems to be coming out the other end which has coincided with her developing a very lovely relationship with my new DP who is absolutely wonderful with her. She's lapsed a little since XH has introduced them to his latest gf but hopefully we will get there.

I think what's toughest for me is that I don't know the best way to handle XH. I want him to have a relationship with his dc, for their benefit, I just wish he'd drop the animosity with me. It's so unnecessary and I struggle to understand how I deserve his vitriol. After all, he was the absolutely terrible partner. I try to remember that he will reap what he sees. I hope that my dc will come out the other side with healthy boundaries etc. and don't resent me for the way I handled things. At least me and DP are modelling a healthier relationship.

I put up with an awful lot of shit for the sake of my dcs. He swings from being ok to being quite unpleasant for no apparent reason, and frequently acts like I have done something wrong, despite the fact he left for ow, a long time ago too. I have to mainly avoid phone conversations with him as he tries to start being abusive for instance pointing out my 'faults' having a go, very critical of me etc etc. I have to have very firm boundaries and its a strain, I wish things could just be amicable and easy.
Wrt dcs he's more like an uncle, never calls between seeing them, even though I used to suggest it at the beginning, never been to a parents evening or sports day, or anything at the school. I doubt he knows the names of any of dcs friends.

Crap. I don't have any contact with him unless it's necessary. Luckily ds can arrange to meet him by text usually, but I still have to help with logistical arrangements.

The guy lies continuously. I decided about 6 months ago that as I could nt believe or rely on a single word he ever says, it was better just to avoid speaking.

I am less angry now I know I'm not being lied to (because we don't speak)

I still worry he will be lying to ds

Ds doesn't seem to mind, as he sees him as more of a mate than a father thanks to the fact he wasn't around till ds was 7.

Weirdly I think we would still have sex if there were no other complications. But he doesn't care for me, and I have lost all respect for him over the years, which is sad as I used to love him more than I could say. I suppose he destroyed himself with his lying.

Thanks all it's helped me to evaluate my own relationship with ex and realise that it's probably him trying to assuage guilt or make way for a return.

We are good friends these days, we've been divorced 10 years (at my instigation). It took a while but we've always been kind about each other in the meantime. We tend to be in contact about the DC's, then carry on chatting afterwards.

I have been remarried quite a few years and have another DC. This year, ex DH came to stay for Christmas, along with the two older DC's (in their early 20's) and my parents and sister. We all got along swimmingly. I suppose it's quite unusual but works for us.

As far as I can see, your doing it for him and the kids, but what about you?

Re. The kids - psychologists now say its confusing for them to be doing things as a family when you're not a family. Im not saying you should be blanking each other, working together for the kids is important, but if the DC are getting the idea that you are still 'one big happy family' I wonder why you are doing that?

Re. Him. He is the lucky one. Screws you over, but gets to tell everyone you're totally fine with it, in fact, look, he walked out on his family but spends time with them whenever he fancies, AND then gets to go off to fuck his GF. I hope he does all these family things without you - or isn't he capable?

Re. You. Maybe it feels good to have this control over him? The fact that he now flirts with you shows how little respect he has for you and ow. He really is the big man isn't he, everyone bows down to him. I hope he's not in your head, preventing you from truly moving on.

Please don't confuse being amicable with being a doormat.

I've got a fairly good relationship with my ex, we have 2 DS and have been divorced for 9 years.

We talk about the boys and occasionally our parents (who all got on very well together previous to our split)

If I needed him in a crisis he would help out and he does try and be involved with medical/school appointments.

But there's no chit chat about our lives.

Friends say we are the most amicable divorced couple they know.

At least we got that right lol

Thanks Helmet.

I agree with you completely and that's why I posted so I could see whether it was what the "norm" was.

I always think that perhaps I am just too kind. I don't want to see this person I loved once hurting or for any decision I make to hurt them.
But he didn't think twice about spending much of last year almost torturing me, stripped me of my self confidence but I just can't get angry.

I want the best for my children - we've been adult from day one he has a fantastic relationship with my children and I facilitate that, I don't bad mouth or nit pick I just let them all love and enjoy each other. I do realise it's confusing for children and I will probably have to broach this with him. It confuses me too as to what his motives out.

He is lucky I think but maybe I need to be more selfish.

Very good relationship with my ex dp.

The first 6 months were difficult after we separated as dd was just 10 weeks old and he had been a snake throughout my pregnancy.

We've been apart over 2 years now and in that two years we went on holiday abroad with dd. And are planning another holiday with her.

Both dating other people but nothing too serious on either part.

We share dd pretty much 50/50 and he's a good dad. And we are both much much happier apart and actually get on much better.

Happily have the odd family meal together, nothing in it just friends/parents for our child's sake.

People who I tell about our friendly amicably situation (especially that we holiday as a family) find it quite strange but to us it's completely innocent and we just prefer to be friends for her sake.