Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is your relationship like with your ex if you have children ?

84 replies

Whoareyou765 · 18/02/2016 11:43

Just that really.
Are you friends?
Do you spend time all together? (Not including childrens birthday and christmas - school plays)
Do you show an active interest in the others life ?

Or are you civil ?
See each other minimally at contact ?
Have little conversation etc.

I'd be interested to know.

OP posts:
Becks4Saints · 19/02/2016 16:30

We have been like this for 8 years now and have both agreed we could not bare to be a couple again. We can also tell each other to get out of the house if I'm/he's pissing me off and there is no malice after.

FlatOnTheHill · 19/02/2016 16:53

Bloody awful if im honest. Its gets better as the kids get older ie teenager age say 15. As the kids tend to speak to the father to make the arrangements.

FlatOnTheHill · 19/02/2016 16:58

OP you dont have to explain why you asked these questions.
Im sure a lot of us are in the same boat ie dont get on with exs and there are some that do. Its nice to just get a general idea of other peoples situations to sometimes compare them to your own. It can sometimes make us feel better if we are not alone in certain situations. Ask away thats what we are here for Smile

wickedwaterwitch · 19/02/2016 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minime85 · 19/02/2016 17:05

Sorry for misreading your original post. Hope you have found some helpful replies and your situation is as good as these things can be. Good luck

Mom2K · 19/02/2016 17:07

I despise him. But we do communicate (generally via text or email) if we need to, but only about arrangements for the kids. I think he's a total fake...and he swings between acting like a normal perosn, and then being weird and moody - so I genereally try to ignore/avoid him if his questions or whatever are irrelevant to things that actually need to be discussed. I'd rejoice if he just disappeared and moved to another continent.

314Romaniac · 19/02/2016 17:12

Non communicative now. Thankfully. For 3 years and years he gave absolutely everything I did the most negative interpretation imaginable and I wore myself out defending myself. Finally I stopped defending myself and after a long time he stopped putting me on trial and only now does he act like a stranger around me. For about the last 3 years we've said nothing to each other except 'when, where, for how long?'. It is such a relief. I never thought we'd get to this point.

chosenone · 19/02/2016 17:12

I think it definitely depends on whether there is a 'significant other' in the picture. Ar first my exh was very friendly and we got on well. Then he got a gf (who was pleasant with me) and he did hetnmore distamt but still amicable. He then moved on to his current partner and it is now pretty awful. She is insanely jealous of any contact, monitors txts and e mails, causes arguements and issues just before contact with DC. At first i argued and created. I now (mostly) keep a dignified silence. If your ex is the opposite ....beware! He may have seen the grass is not greener! Protect yourself

Helmetbymidnight · 19/02/2016 17:12

Your situation sounds a bit...like he is involved now but will dump you when the next gf comes along.

  • sorry.
16 mths is early days in terms of a separation, I think you may find some flux before it settles into a routine.

Ex and I get on well. I often have his younger kids here to play and he often has mine. He's a bit like an annoying brother now.

ReturnoftheWhack · 19/02/2016 17:15

Very good, we split on excellent terms and agreed we would try our very best to remain kind to each other, not just for the children but for us too. We really loved each other once, and I have very fond memories of our time together.

We are both with new partners and I really like his new partner. She is kind to my children and respects my role as their Mum. They like her a lot too.

It seems I'm in the minority but I don't seem to have had the terrible times others have had.

I still believe in marriage but don't ever feel the need to marry again.

314Romaniac · 19/02/2016 17:16

Ps, don't feel pressure to be like Gwyneth and Chris. If my x had been capable of reason I wouldn't have had to leave him in secret with one rucksack. Every body's X is different and some people have said things to me over the years along the lines of ''you have to meet him in the middle'' not understanding that i can't bend over backwards any further, my back would break, and if it did, he'd still be criticising me. So, tune out any messages from society/mothers' friends/other friends with more reasonable exes that it is just a matter of meeting somebody half way, or that difficulties are down to six of one and half a dozen of the other. I had such a low bar when I was with my x, if he'd been capable of compromise and reason I wouldn't have left him. He didn't become any more reasonable after I left him. He didn't become any more willing to meet me half way either. He fought every point harder for about threee years in fact.

Helmetbymidnight · 19/02/2016 17:22

Sorry I thought ow had dumped him.

Tbh family days out and lunches? Nah. Not for me. We get on fine but...if I were his gf I would think it a bit odd. He gets best of everything doesn't he? Lucky fella.

ravenmum · 19/02/2016 18:10

Almost two years in, kids are 16/18 so we have minimal contact as they can arrange it. Last year he suggested we could meet once a month or so to discuss kids but I didn't see the need. Did something with in laws for our daughter's 18th but we didn't speak much. He doesn't seem to have changed so the less contact the better.

bimbobaggins · 19/02/2016 18:41

Definitely not friends but civil enough for sake of ds. He is very involved in ds life so do see him fairly often. Im nc with the rest of his family

Original poster
Whoareyou765 · 19/02/2016 18:59

Thank you everyone.
I wasn't digging just want a general idea of life after a split. I know that everyone has different expectations and ideas of how life should be after seperation.
I have kind of excepted what was offered, it was hard being left but I always knew my children would appreciate me biting my tongue.
I've worked through the hurt and anger and we really got on well now, I'm a better version of myself now, I forgive him for leaving and want no drama.
I really just find it odd that he is involved with someone else and is happy to spend time together as a family so often and I guess it's generally not what people do.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 19/02/2016 19:04

I wonder why you do it tbh.

You're not a family- why pretend you are? Do you really want to spend family time together and then he goes off to be with her?

Is it stopping you moving on?

Lottie2611 · 19/02/2016 19:06

Yeah we are good. Not just for our sons sake..
Tbh we both arnt the type of people to not get on without good reason anyway

Fourormore · 19/02/2016 19:09

It varies. Sometimes we can stand on my doorstep chatting for over an hour. Other times he goes back to being the man I couldn't stand, belittling me, ignoring me, laughing at me. He likes to pretend I'm a raging harpy to justify his own actions. I used to shout but now I just roll my eyes and keep my mouth shut.

As far as arrangements for the children go, we generally manage to reach agreements. He can nitpick over things but I usually manage to smooth things over.

Original poster
Whoareyou765 · 19/02/2016 19:29

Helmetbymidnight

I was doing it for the children mainly. And because I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying no.
I thought it would help for the children to see us getting on well but we seem to get on too well when were together, laughing and he seemed to flirt a lot and I'm now wondering what his motives are.

He obviously doesn't respect the ow. As I'd be unhappy if I were her.

We got on in a cordial way for much of last year it's only the last four or five months he seems to be more involved, more wanting to be a family etc.

OP posts:
VoyageOfDad · 19/02/2016 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Whoareyou765 · 19/02/2016 19:50

But not actively spending time as a family ?! Like lunches ? Trips out ?
Perhaps were over stepping the cordial line

OP posts:
MissMogwi · 19/02/2016 19:51

Separated 10 years. Can't say I have a relationship with my daughter's dad. I am polite as needed at drop off/pick up but as they are now 11 and 14 they don't need me to be that involved. Eldest doesn't bother that much.

I am not involved in his life and certainly don't want him involved in mine. He pays the minimum maintenance possible and has 0% involvement in school or anything else, which has been his choice (blames his wife). So I no longer consider him worthy of that involvement either.

It would have been nice if he was a good father and had made sure he considered his girls as a part of his family after he left. But despite my best efforts he didn't, and now he reaps what he has sown.

MissMogwi · 19/02/2016 19:53

Apologies for massive over use of 'involved' BlushGrin

Helmetbymidnight · 19/02/2016 20:02

Is this really what you want? Cozy lunches out with the guy who dumped you? Can't he do stuff with the kids without you?

And flirting now? He sounds a horrible, disrespectful fella.

How old are the kids?

Marilynsbigsister · 19/02/2016 20:04

Mine is sadly not very well, but love him to bits - we just became 'mates'... DH and his ex however are like a stereo typical 'how not to have a divorce' ....children as weapons throughout ...countless court hearings, two of his five left to live with us as soon as they were legally allowed to..