I'm finding this thread really interesting reading. I often feel terribly guilty about the state of mine and XH's relationship as co-parents.
We split up after yet another ow in a long string of affairs over our 12 year relationship. At first I was desperate for us to be amicable and friendly for our DDs. I even voluntarily left the marital home and didn't pursue my interest in it, or any other financial compensation for my share of the marital assets. I was a SAHP and had only just gone back to work after a lengthy break. I did this because I knew that what mattered most to XH was the money and house and hoped that by not 'raking' anything, we would get on better. XH was desperate for us to get back together initially so was mostly nice to me - well, as much as an EA man can be. At tis point we did an awful lot as a 'family' and spent quite a lot of time together with the dc.
I'm not 100% sure when this position changed. XH was getting more and more frustrated that I soukdnt give us another go and became convinced I was seeing someone else. I wasn't at that point but when I did start dating, it took another dramatic dive.
In between this happening, I was reading more threads on here and starting to realise how badly he was emotionslly abusing me. I began to hate him. He was still controlling and abusive after we split.
These days, he's incredibly nit-picky and critical of everytjing I do with the DCs. He has them a lot (3 nights a week) but picks them up so close to bedtime, it's bareky worth it. Of course part of his motivation in doing this is a reduction in child maintenance (which to be fair, he does pay regularly). He won't contribute to anything else, hasn't done a single school run, doesn't bother with parents evening etc etc and anything he does do, I have to be careful to arrange for him, eg. Ordering school concert tickets for him. The dc report being very bored at his house as he doesn't do much with them and they much prefer being at my house.
I fear he's starting to lose interest even more since he met a new women (not the first since our split but he really likes this one apparently). Things also went really sour when I met my BF. XH absolutely detests my bf despite never having met him. He's very open about this with the dc and so they have struggled with torn loyalties.
So all this has been a sustained slide into hating each other and that is how our relationship stands at this point. I had reached a point of indifference but I hate him for the way he continues to try and abuse me even though I left 3 years ago. I left partly because I didn't want my two daughters to witness him abusing me and accept this for themselves. But they still see him doing it now. It means I fight back a lot because I want them to get the message that they shouldn't ever tolerate it, but then they have to see me and their dad hating each other which isn't ideal.
I carry the guilt for the way things are. Because I care way more than he does, I feel like the responsibility is squarely on my shoulders and I fesent him further for this. In all honesty, it an absolute mess and only real victims are my DDs but I feel powerless to change the dynamic. Thank you to the pp up thread who talked about ignoring those who tell you to compromise, that it's not always possible to do that with unreasonable exes. I really needed to hear that because I've tried, really tried over the years but nothing improves.
Apologies for the epic rant. As you can probably tell, this subject is hugely significant for me right now.