If you tried to repair your marriage after an affair, did it work?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Just over 3 weeks ago, I found Whatsapp messages from another woman (a work colleague) on H's phone. VERY sexually explicit messages - on both parts - discussing what they would like to do to each other in graphic detail.

I posted about it at the time & was/am very grateful for the kindness and support that you all gave me at the time. Not to mention the excellent advice.

Well, fast forward 3 weeks and the "relationship" between H & his OW is well and truly over. I have had plenty of contact with both H, the OW (who still seems to see it all as "harmless fun") and her DP (who strangely didn't see the "fun" in it).

H & I are currently waiting for Relate sessions - they are heavily oversubscribed in our town apparently - and have spent quite a bit of time together talking things through.

H is adamant (and, more fool me maybe, I believe him) that he is now completely ashamed of what he did, loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life proving that he can be trusted. He says he "fell into" the sexting without really thinking about what he was doing - it started with gentle flirting in the office, then moved to flirty texts and eventually Whatsapp messages - all getting more and more full on over the course of roughly 6 weeks. He (and she, although why would I believe her?) both say that they were flattered by the attention, enjoyed feeling "wanted" sexually by someone but ultimately wouldn't have gone through with actual physical sex at the end of the day. I'm not sure how much I believe that part TBH, but I guess I'll never know that.

So, the situation now is that we are still separated but I still love him like mad and do actually see how he could have felt unloved/unwanted sexually by me. I admit I have had a rough few years, one way and another, and have taken quite a bit of it out on H - because I had no-one else to get angry with. H has always wanted to hug me, kiss me, hold my hand etc. I've been pushing him away on that sort of thing for quite some time.

I'm not blaming myself entirely, I would never ever have cheated myself (I just couldn't) and have always loved him utterly and completely. But I haven't always shown it.

So, really, after all that I'm asking whether anyone has ever been in a similar situation and actually managed to make the marriage work again?

Can you ever trust again? Do you ever really forgive? Do you ever get to the point where the things they said to each other aren't permanently in your mind?

Thanks.

Hasn't worked for a friend, though they are still together. It's quite bizarre as I work with her DH and OW so I saw the whole thing play out.

Similar to you, the DH had an EA with a work colleague. They are no longer in touch, but on the odd occasion they cross paths he pays her compliments and vice versa. You could say they are being polite, but I think it's a timing issue.

If the affair didn't end naturally, there is always the risk it can be kickstarted again...

Sorry you are in this situation.

Its 5 years since I found out about my DW's affair, we had been married 26 years and it had been going on for a year, it carried on for another 18 months (either rubbing my nose in it, or carrying on while denying it). Then over the next 18 months the contact (lunchtime meetings, coffee, phone calls) steadily declined until eventually no contact.

It was absolute hell for me, but we persevered and the marriage has survived and is happy and strong.

Can I trust again ? - Well I always did trust her but now realise trusting someone doesn’t make them trustworthy, but I do trust her.

Do you ever really forgive ? - Forgiving is easy, forgetting is impossible, I just hope to get to the point one day where it no longer hurts, unfortunately I don’t think that will ever happen.

Do you ever get to the point where the things they said to each other aren't permanently in your mind ? - Not yet, there has only been one day in the last 5 years that I haven’t thought about it.

I am glad we persevered, it was worth it, but I paid a very high price for this happiness.

Good luck in your journey

my ex had an emotional affair when our DT were born, we stayed together because we thought it was the right thing to do but he had taken away from me what should have been a precious time.

i cried every day and went over things in my head all the time although i never brought it up with him. i went on anti depressants 2 years later and went back to work which seemed to distract me, we muddled along for over 10 years but deep down things could never be the same for me. he changed my whole life for the worse, i had never been untrusting or anxious and this changed over night. i ended things last year and have never looked back. if i hadnt had children i would have walked on day one and looking back i should have anyway.

i would never accept this treatment again from anyone.
some people can move on and put things behind them , i couldnt and i wasted 10 years trying.

I hope you make the right decision for you.

*delegated stuff to AVOID her, I meant, sorry. He gives work to other people, he doesn't manage her.

Oh dear WillI - could I ask, did you have any counselling at the time of the EA?

I'm so sorry you had to carry on feeling like that for 10 years . I hope your future is so much better.

Ilike - I've told H today that he needs to speak to his boss about delegating the part of his job he sometimes has to talk to her about. Shame it didn't occur to him to do that on his own, but he has said he will. H's new assistant (male) started this week, so delegation of some tasks should be easier now.

Iamloved - I do value everyone's opinion, but there are several people on this thread saying that their partners have made amends and haven't cheated again.

I don't think there's a 'one-size fits all' answer on either side.

Iamloved that's exactly what my advice would have been to everyone else and to myself before H's affair. I never thought he'd do something like that, and if he did I was 100% sure I'd throw him out. But you never know how you'll feel until it actually happens to you.

One size doesn't fit all. Some H's (or wives) are gits who are ok with cheating if they can get away with it. Others know cheating is wrong and wouldn't cheat, except that they gradually find themselves fall into a situation, just talking at first, then just texting, then flirting and it's all so exciting and nothing physical has happened and they get carried away and justify each next little step to themselves somehow and then all of a sudden they're having an affair and they're addicted to the excitement of it and not sure how to get out of it. But once they step outside the affair and see it for what it is (for example, when someone finds out about it), it's a massive reality check for them and a big wake up call. This enables them to re-prioritise the marriage, and makes them aware of the small things which seem harmless at first but which they should avoid to protect their marriage boundaries (things like supporting a friend of the opposite sex through a breakup - BOTH of you support them or neither of you, or office lunches alone with the same person building up an exclusive relationship over time - nope!). Even if they know they'd never cheat again, they can see how to avoid pitfalls from last time, or anything else that might make the other person feel insecure. You can learn from it and fix it if you both really want to.

OP that's great if he can delegate that part of his work. Not great he didn't think of it first, but fab that he's embraced the idea and is willing to implement it. It sounds promising for you. Glad you're getting the book, it helped me so much.

I tried and it didn't work. I've heard that it can. I hope you find your answer.