If you tried to repair your marriage after an affair, did it work?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Just over 3 weeks ago, I found Whatsapp messages from another woman (a work colleague) on H's phone. VERY sexually explicit messages - on both parts - discussing what they would like to do to each other in graphic detail.

I posted about it at the time & was/am very grateful for the kindness and support that you all gave me at the time. Not to mention the excellent advice.

Well, fast forward 3 weeks and the "relationship" between H & his OW is well and truly over. I have had plenty of contact with both H, the OW (who still seems to see it all as "harmless fun") and her DP (who strangely didn't see the "fun" in it).

H & I are currently waiting for Relate sessions - they are heavily oversubscribed in our town apparently - and have spent quite a bit of time together talking things through.

H is adamant (and, more fool me maybe, I believe him) that he is now completely ashamed of what he did, loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life proving that he can be trusted. He says he "fell into" the sexting without really thinking about what he was doing - it started with gentle flirting in the office, then moved to flirty texts and eventually Whatsapp messages - all getting more and more full on over the course of roughly 6 weeks. He (and she, although why would I believe her?) both say that they were flattered by the attention, enjoyed feeling "wanted" sexually by someone but ultimately wouldn't have gone through with actual physical sex at the end of the day. I'm not sure how much I believe that part TBH, but I guess I'll never know that.

So, the situation now is that we are still separated but I still love him like mad and do actually see how he could have felt unloved/unwanted sexually by me. I admit I have had a rough few years, one way and another, and have taken quite a bit of it out on H - because I had no-one else to get angry with. H has always wanted to hug me, kiss me, hold my hand etc. I've been pushing him away on that sort of thing for quite some time.

I'm not blaming myself entirely, I would never ever have cheated myself (I just couldn't) and have always loved him utterly and completely. But I haven't always shown it.

So, really, after all that I'm asking whether anyone has ever been in a similar situation and actually managed to make the marriage work again?

Can you ever trust again? Do you ever really forgive? Do you ever get to the point where the things they said to each other aren't permanently in your mind?

Thanks.

[PTFswife]

OP - yes. My DH had a four month affair with someone from work. It'll be three years this summer since he told me about it.

He took full responsibility for what he did. He was deeply remorseful. I took myself off for a short time to make a decision about what I wanted to do. I came to the realisation that if I wasn't with him, I didn't want to be with anyone else. Despite his affair, he really is a brilliant husband and man in every other respect. In fact he appalled himself with his behaviour as it was so out of character. Like your husband, he got swept up in the excitement of it - and I can understand that. So my choice became: do I stay with him or do I live a single life. And the answer to me was obvious. Stay with him.

We went to counselling. And to Couples in Crisis therapy. We spoke all the time. Three months after he told me I was finally able to have sex with him again. We worked really hard at our marriage. He went through a complete transformation, from a man who wasn't very good at communicating to one who was willing to be open and talk about feelings.

When the one year mark came around, it was the weirdest experience ever. It felt as though I had survived year one. And knowing that I could do that, i knew that it was going to be ok. I forgave him. He knew (and knows) that I don't condone what he did, but I genuinely forgave him. He made a mistake. People do. He did all he could to make up for it.

I find it hard to describe but since forgiving him, I feel lighter and free of the hurt. I can think about it now and literally do not feel pain or hurt. It is just something that happened in the past.

Like someone else up thread said, there will always be a tiny part of my brain that wonders if he will do it again. But I can live with that. And I don't think he will. Our marriage is now closer, more honest and better than it was before. We give each other a lot of freedom to do the things that make us happy so that we can each be our own people - whether that's a week away with friends or wanting to take up a challenge of some kind. You might think that more freedom after an affair sounds mad, but I trust him. And that's a big statement.

In our wedding vows one of the lines we added in was: 'To support your hopes and dreams.' And that's exactly what we're focused on now. We've been through the for better or worse. We now just have a lot of fun both together and individually. We are happy.
x

[VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon]

We tried, but he didn't do what was needed because his heart wasn't in it. In retrospect it was the right thing to end it but it was painful at the time.

Decomms I know you want him back but until he is whole hearted about making amends, and that would involve actually ending the affair as a first step, you're on a hiding to nothing.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Thank you all so much for sharing your own experiences.

Today (I say today because I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow yet), my main stumbling block is that H still works in the same office as the OW.

I don't actually want him to leave his job, as strange as that may sound. The reason being that he now works in the village we live in. A 2 minute commute. He has the best career progression prospects he's had since we got together 20 years ago, decent salary without travelling costs, new bonus scheme etc. When our two DSs were little, H worked just over an hour away. This meant that he was never able to come to school meetings (there were hundreds with DS1 who has ASD), nativities, harvest festivals, school drop offs or pick ups. With DD who started Reception in September 2015, he has been able to do all of this and still be back at his desk 5 minutes later. His boss lives a matter of doors away & also has a child at the village school - so understands and allows time for these things.

He has a job that doesn't exist at other employers in the village (not that there are many employers here, as you can imagine). Any change in job for him would be detrimental to me & the DCs. I am not willing to accept more disruption in my life because he was unfaithful to me.

On the other hand, the OW lives 10-15 miles away in a completely different town and does a much more common place job - Credit Controller - which most companies do have. I want her to be the one to leave. She won't. She thinks she's done nothing wrong as no actual penetration took place .

On a more positive note (maybe), I had a call from Relate this morning - they have had a cancellation for tomorrow evening. So at least an initial session is booked & paid for this week.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

decomm - I'm sorry for your situation too. What justification does your H give for actually living with the OW whilst he tries to mend your marriage?

I'm sure I would require H to either be living with me, or entirely alone/with a family member/anywhere but with the OW and have gone completely NC with the OW before I could start to take him seriously TBH.

[IrianofWay]

Yes. But you both have to be on the same page about what needs repairing, he needs to be 100% remorseful and it's bloody hard work.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

PTFswife - did your DH carry on working with the OW after the affair?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I couldn't forgive.
I was going to but I knew I couldn't.
But... My ExH was a full on affair. I know it's said on here all the time that EA is just the same but I don't think it is.
If my ExH had been texting and sexting then I think I might have felt differently (don't know though)
Many marriages cannot and do not survive, but as you can see here many do and in some cases the relationship improves.
As a PP said, it's very very early days.
I don't think you will 'know' right now.
Give it more time.

decomm please sign up to do the Freedom Programme with Womens Aid.
Also get to your GP and get referred for counselling.
The fact you are even considering doing the 'pick me' dance with this cheating creature says a lot about you.
Work on yourself. Go no contact with the Ex and take it from there.
What he is doing right now is so wrong on so many levels I don't know how you keep a straight face when he talks about you taking him back and guaranteeing it works. It's very very wrong.

[decomm18]

Hellsbells, i hear what you say, but that's too black and white for me. DH isn't wicked, he's just weak. I'm not snowy-white by any means, and I perpetrated a long-running deception with him which he's still unaware of, and which I'm beating myself up over even twenty years after it finished. It wasn't cheating, and there was no third-party involved, but arguably it was just as wrong as what he's done to me. So I'm disposed to forgive him, and want to try to make it work, if he can just decide to abandon OW. Will be starting my own thread later on, but my situation is so complex, i almost don't know where to start!

OP, I hope that if you decide to stay together it all works out for you. I had a wonderfully happy marriage for over twenty years, and that was during and after some tough times dealing with my own issues early on. Life isn't a bed of roses, and we shouldn't expect to be. Sometimes 'good enough' is good enough!

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Thank you Decomm. I know, nothing is ever perfect is it?

I have also had personal issues over the last few years which I've only very recently started to move on from. Things involving my mum, her second "husband", her death & the aftermath there of.

I can't pretend that H knowing how much I've already been hurt, yet choosing to hurt me again, isn't a big source of sadness.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

hellsbells I do keep trying to tell myself there was no actual sex involved. H had naked photos of her which he admits he used as masturbation "aids" - but that's the extent of the physicality.

I honestly don't know if I would feel more betrayed by sex or not. Previous to this I would definitely have said that a physical affair was worse than an emotional one - but I would never have anticipated the huge feeling of betrayal & doubt that comes with an EA.

[Rainbowlou1]

I don't know how I'd feel if my H had worked with the ow...I don't think I could stay in those circumstances.
My H's 'saving grace' was this woman lives on the other side of the world and they met when she was over here to stay for a bit...I know they carried on over the phone but somehow once he had told her it was over and blocked her number, it somehow helped me knowing there was that distance, although now Ive found out she is coming back here so who knows where we go once that happens.

[Millliii]

One of the things that is advised after an affair is that the cheating partner has nothing to do at all with the person whom he/she was cheating with. No contact is advisable for obvious reasons. This must be a difficult one for you then OP.

Can I ask how you know for definite that there was not a sexual physical affair? Its only been 3 weeks which is very early days with regard to full disclosure and finding out everything.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I'm as sure as I can be Millliii. Firstly, the last Whatsapp conversation between them on 23rd January was full of messages such as "I want you", "we will be together and it will be amazing", "you need to sort it out for us Mr Santa" etc. etc. Having read other, previous messages everything was talking about what they want to do - never what they have done.

Secondly, opportunity. Unless they booked an afternoon off work without me knowing and went to the Travelodge that is! But if they did, H didn't pay for it! I've checked his card statement - and as I handle all of the household finances, I do know that he would at no point between 12th December & 23rd January have had the required cash on him. Working 2 minutes away, he was leaving here at 8.50am every morning, coming home for the lunch hour every day and then getting home by 5.40pm every night (he finishes at 5.30pm). He had no nights out, no unexplained (or even explained) absences or time apart from me during the period of the affair. He even had two weeks off over Christmas & New Year during which time we were together the entire time. He was still messaging her though!

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

And as far as the messaging goes, I did know something was going on with his phone - he changed the password on it, kept it glued to his hand, was constantly looking at it/messing with it.

But I naively thought he was looking at porn or "lads mag" sites again - like the previous times .

[Millliii]

Or an afternoon off work and went to her house.

That last Whatsapp conversation between them sounded like they had every intent to make it happen.

So he got caught and is now back tracking like mad saying it didn't mean anything etc but is still working with her. You say you have had contact with her but they will have got their stories straight long before you did this. I do hope that you know all there is to know and that there will not be more but it seems such early days.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

That last Whatsapp conversation between them sounded like they had every intent to make it happen.

Yes, I absolutely agree. H is adamant it was all a fantasy though, and he would never have actually gone through with it. That is one thing I don't suppose I'll ever truly know. I'm not sure if H even truly knows.

Yes, they're still working together. Yes, they have the same story - apart from she is saying she did nothing wrong & H is showing remorse.

These are issues I have, definitely. I hope what I have is the truth too!

[Millliii]

Well at least you have your eyes wide opened Santa :)

If he continues showing all the signs of being remorseful and not being dodgy in any way then I think that if you want to, you can make this work.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Just out of interest, how would people expect a cheating partner to suddenly stop working with the OW or OM?

As I explained above, I don't want him to quit (as that would be detrimental to me and our DCs) - and neither of us can tell the OW she has to quite can we?

Well, actually, I did tell her that. But she refused.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Quit not quite!

[Millliii]

You asked her to leave because you obviously felt that it was not good for them to be working together. I would think that as it must be very uncomfortable being in close proximity to each other after what has happened and I would have thought that they themselves would want to be as far away from the other as possible.

[FurryGiraffe]

I'm three years on from DH telling me he had an affair. I can honestly say we've recovered from it and our marriage is in a much better place that it was for a long time before the affair. It took time, full and frank disclosure from him and a lot of therapy, both for us as a couple and for him and for him individually. He's a very very different person these days: we communicate much much better and I genuinely feel we're a team as regards our relationship, the household and DS.

My DH also worked with the OW and I found that one of the hardest things in the early days. I think they both did too actually: it made it impossible for anyone to move on and I worried a lot that much as I wanted to, we'd never 'get past it'. DH wasn't in a position to move jobs at the time, but did so about 18 months ago. From my perspective it felt like it wasn't until then that we could properly draw a line under it. I found things very very hard while they were still working together. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was the lack of closure.

[PTFswife]

Santa - my husband continued working at the same company as the other woman but they were in different countries so he could avoid her.

And his was a full on affair (I read all the gory details). I think I may have found it harder if he still had feelings for her and hankered after her. But he made a mistake, acknowledged it, did all he had to do to make things right, and now things are infinitely better.

Incidentally, he recently (last few weeks) finally left the company but he hadn't had any contact with her (other than being included on group work emails) since the affair.

[ILikeUranus]

I'm 2 months from finding out about my H's affair. It had ended by the time I found out and he was very remorseful immediately. He has done everything right since, including agreeing to move out (but he's back here now). I'm now having our mortgage transferred into my sole name. I have also reduced my hours at work. We have re-prioritised things in life because what's important and what isn't has become much clearer. I think we will be better than before, because now we're paying attention and appreciating each other.

I recommend reading 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass - both you and he should read it OP, it's such a great help.

Dh works in the same (open plan) office as her. He hasn't spoken to her since, he has avoided her as much as possible, delegated stuff to her. He's had one email from her (to him and other people) which he immediately told me about, and I spoke to her too (without any notice and without telling H in advance) and she told me the same story about him avoiding even eye contact with her at work (good)!

It is really hard, but it is something people can (and do) get through, if both of you want to enough. Good luck OP.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Thank you all again.

PTF - yes, I can see how being in a different country could help! H's company is German. If only she'd relocate to Head Office......

Furry - yes, H says that he feels very awkward seeing her every day too & wishes he didn't have to. He says it's a constant reminder of how stupid he was. I also don't think I'll be able to draw a line under it until one or the other leaves the company. It's reassuring to know you were still able to work on your marriage in the meantime though.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Ilike - thank you. The office H & OW are in is also an open plan one. H tells me that their conversation this week has been limited to one, very brief and very public, work enquiry. Something H occasionally has to do in relation to her job - H is the only one who can do this particular function apparently. Other than that they are not speaking at all or exchanging eye contact. She is saying goodbye to her "team" and completely blanking everyone in H's "team". When I say "team" I mean work team - colleagues haven't been asked to pick sides like in high school!

I will have a look for that book now, thanks.