If you tried to repair your marriage after an affair, did it work?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Just over 3 weeks ago, I found Whatsapp messages from another woman (a work colleague) on H's phone. VERY sexually explicit messages - on both parts - discussing what they would like to do to each other in graphic detail.

I posted about it at the time & was/am very grateful for the kindness and support that you all gave me at the time. Not to mention the excellent advice.

Well, fast forward 3 weeks and the "relationship" between H & his OW is well and truly over. I have had plenty of contact with both H, the OW (who still seems to see it all as "harmless fun") and her DP (who strangely didn't see the "fun" in it).

H & I are currently waiting for Relate sessions - they are heavily oversubscribed in our town apparently - and have spent quite a bit of time together talking things through.

H is adamant (and, more fool me maybe, I believe him) that he is now completely ashamed of what he did, loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life proving that he can be trusted. He says he "fell into" the sexting without really thinking about what he was doing - it started with gentle flirting in the office, then moved to flirty texts and eventually Whatsapp messages - all getting more and more full on over the course of roughly 6 weeks. He (and she, although why would I believe her?) both say that they were flattered by the attention, enjoyed feeling "wanted" sexually by someone but ultimately wouldn't have gone through with actual physical sex at the end of the day. I'm not sure how much I believe that part TBH, but I guess I'll never know that.

So, the situation now is that we are still separated but I still love him like mad and do actually see how he could have felt unloved/unwanted sexually by me. I admit I have had a rough few years, one way and another, and have taken quite a bit of it out on H - because I had no-one else to get angry with. H has always wanted to hug me, kiss me, hold my hand etc. I've been pushing him away on that sort of thing for quite some time.

I'm not blaming myself entirely, I would never ever have cheated myself (I just couldn't) and have always loved him utterly and completely. But I haven't always shown it.

So, really, after all that I'm asking whether anyone has ever been in a similar situation and actually managed to make the marriage work again?

Can you ever trust again? Do you ever really forgive? Do you ever get to the point where the things they said to each other aren't permanently in your mind?

Thanks.

[WishingWell2016]

I tried and it didn't work. I've heard that it can. I hope you find your answer.

[ILikeUranus]

Iamloved that's exactly what my advice would have been to everyone else and to myself before H's affair. I never thought he'd do something like that, and if he did I was 100% sure I'd throw him out. But you never know how you'll feel until it actually happens to you.

One size doesn't fit all. Some H's (or wives) are gits who are ok with cheating if they can get away with it. Others know cheating is wrong and wouldn't cheat, except that they gradually find themselves fall into a situation, just talking at first, then just texting, then flirting and it's all so exciting and nothing physical has happened and they get carried away and justify each next little step to themselves somehow and then all of a sudden they're having an affair and they're addicted to the excitement of it and not sure how to get out of it. But once they step outside the affair and see it for what it is (for example, when someone finds out about it), it's a massive reality check for them and a big wake up call. This enables them to re-prioritise the marriage, and makes them aware of the small things which seem harmless at first but which they should avoid to protect their marriage boundaries (things like supporting a friend of the opposite sex through a breakup - BOTH of you support them or neither of you, or office lunches alone with the same person building up an exclusive relationship over time - nope!). Even if they know they'd never cheat again, they can see how to avoid pitfalls from last time, or anything else that might make the other person feel insecure. You can learn from it and fix it if you both really want to.

OP that's great if he can delegate that part of his work. Not great he didn't think of it first, but fab that he's embraced the idea and is willing to implement it. It sounds promising for you. Glad you're getting the book, it helped me so much.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Iamloved - I do value everyone's opinion, but there are several people on this thread saying that their partners have made amends and haven't cheated again.

I don't think there's a 'one-size fits all' answer on either side.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Ilike - I've told H today that he needs to speak to his boss about delegating the part of his job he sometimes has to talk to her about. Shame it didn't occur to him to do that on his own, but he has said he will. H's new assistant (male) started this week, so delegation of some tasks should be easier now.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Oh dear WillI - could I ask, did you have any counselling at the time of the EA?

I'm so sorry you had to carry on feeling like that for 10 years . I hope your future is so much better.

[ILikeUranus]

*delegated stuff to AVOID her, I meant, sorry. He gives work to other people, he doesn't manage her.

[willievertrust1]

my ex had an emotional affair when our DT were born, we stayed together because we thought it was the right thing to do but he had taken away from me what should have been a precious time.

i cried every day and went over things in my head all the time although i never brought it up with him. i went on anti depressants 2 years later and went back to work which seemed to distract me, we muddled along for over 10 years but deep down things could never be the same for me. he changed my whole life for the worse, i had never been untrusting or anxious and this changed over night. i ended things last year and have never looked back. if i hadnt had children i would have walked on day one and looking back i should have anyway.

i would never accept this treatment again from anyone.
some people can move on and put things behind them , i couldnt and i wasted 10 years trying.

I hope you make the right decision for you.

[northernpixie]

Sorry you are in this situation.

Its 5 years since I found out about my DW's affair, we had been married 26 years and it had been going on for a year, it carried on for another 18 months (either rubbing my nose in it, or carrying on while denying it). Then over the next 18 months the contact (lunchtime meetings, coffee, phone calls) steadily declined until eventually no contact.

It was absolute hell for me, but we persevered and the marriage has survived and is happy and strong.

Can I trust again ? - Well I always did trust her but now realise trusting someone doesn’t make them trustworthy, but I do trust her.

Do you ever really forgive ? - Forgiving is easy, forgetting is impossible, I just hope to get to the point one day where it no longer hurts, unfortunately I don’t think that will ever happen.

Do you ever get to the point where the things they said to each other aren't permanently in your mind ? - Not yet, there has only been one day in the last 5 years that I haven’t thought about it.

I am glad we persevered, it was worth it, but I paid a very high price for this happiness.

Good luck in your journey

[Cloverene]

Hasn't worked for a friend, though they are still together. It's quite bizarre as I work with her DH and OW so I saw the whole thing play out.

Similar to you, the DH had an EA with a work colleague. They are no longer in touch, but on the odd occasion they cross paths he pays her compliments and vice versa. You could say they are being polite, but I think it's a timing issue.

If the affair didn't end naturally, there is always the risk it can be kickstarted again...

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Ilike - thank you. The office H & OW are in is also an open plan one. H tells me that their conversation this week has been limited to one, very brief and very public, work enquiry. Something H occasionally has to do in relation to her job - H is the only one who can do this particular function apparently. Other than that they are not speaking at all or exchanging eye contact. She is saying goodbye to her "team" and completely blanking everyone in H's "team". When I say "team" I mean work team - colleagues haven't been asked to pick sides like in high school!

I will have a look for that book now, thanks.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Thank you all again.

PTF - yes, I can see how being in a different country could help! H's company is German. If only she'd relocate to Head Office......

Furry - yes, H says that he feels very awkward seeing her every day too & wishes he didn't have to. He says it's a constant reminder of how stupid he was. I also don't think I'll be able to draw a line under it until one or the other leaves the company. It's reassuring to know you were still able to work on your marriage in the meantime though.

[ILikeUranus]

I'm 2 months from finding out about my H's affair. It had ended by the time I found out and he was very remorseful immediately. He has done everything right since, including agreeing to move out (but he's back here now). I'm now having our mortgage transferred into my sole name. I have also reduced my hours at work. We have re-prioritised things in life because what's important and what isn't has become much clearer. I think we will be better than before, because now we're paying attention and appreciating each other.

I recommend reading 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass - both you and he should read it OP, it's such a great help.

Dh works in the same (open plan) office as her. He hasn't spoken to her since, he has avoided her as much as possible, delegated stuff to her. He's had one email from her (to him and other people) which he immediately told me about, and I spoke to her too (without any notice and without telling H in advance) and she told me the same story about him avoiding even eye contact with her at work (good)!

It is really hard, but it is something people can (and do) get through, if both of you want to enough. Good luck OP.

[PTFswife]

Santa - my husband continued working at the same company as the other woman but they were in different countries so he could avoid her.

And his was a full on affair (I read all the gory details). I think I may have found it harder if he still had feelings for her and hankered after her. But he made a mistake, acknowledged it, did all he had to do to make things right, and now things are infinitely better.

Incidentally, he recently (last few weeks) finally left the company but he hadn't had any contact with her (other than being included on group work emails) since the affair.

[FurryGiraffe]

I'm three years on from DH telling me he had an affair. I can honestly say we've recovered from it and our marriage is in a much better place that it was for a long time before the affair. It took time, full and frank disclosure from him and a lot of therapy, both for us as a couple and for him and for him individually. He's a very very different person these days: we communicate much much better and I genuinely feel we're a team as regards our relationship, the household and DS.

My DH also worked with the OW and I found that one of the hardest things in the early days. I think they both did too actually: it made it impossible for anyone to move on and I worried a lot that much as I wanted to, we'd never 'get past it'. DH wasn't in a position to move jobs at the time, but did so about 18 months ago. From my perspective it felt like it wasn't until then that we could properly draw a line under it. I found things very very hard while they were still working together. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was the lack of closure.

[Millliii]

You asked her to leave because you obviously felt that it was not good for them to be working together. I would think that as it must be very uncomfortable being in close proximity to each other after what has happened and I would have thought that they themselves would want to be as far away from the other as possible.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Quit not quite!

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Just out of interest, how would people expect a cheating partner to suddenly stop working with the OW or OM?

As I explained above, I don't want him to quit (as that would be detrimental to me and our DCs) - and neither of us can tell the OW she has to quite can we?

Well, actually, I did tell her that. But she refused.

[Millliii]

Well at least you have your eyes wide opened Santa :)

If he continues showing all the signs of being remorseful and not being dodgy in any way then I think that if you want to, you can make this work.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

That last Whatsapp conversation between them sounded like they had every intent to make it happen.

Yes, I absolutely agree. H is adamant it was all a fantasy though, and he would never have actually gone through with it. That is one thing I don't suppose I'll ever truly know. I'm not sure if H even truly knows.

Yes, they're still working together. Yes, they have the same story - apart from she is saying she did nothing wrong & H is showing remorse.

These are issues I have, definitely. I hope what I have is the truth too!

[Millliii]

Or an afternoon off work and went to her house.

That last Whatsapp conversation between them sounded like they had every intent to make it happen.

So he got caught and is now back tracking like mad saying it didn't mean anything etc but is still working with her. You say you have had contact with her but they will have got their stories straight long before you did this. I do hope that you know all there is to know and that there will not be more but it seems such early days.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

And as far as the messaging goes, I did know something was going on with his phone - he changed the password on it, kept it glued to his hand, was constantly looking at it/messing with it.

But I naively thought he was looking at porn or "lads mag" sites again - like the previous times .

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I'm as sure as I can be Millliii. Firstly, the last Whatsapp conversation between them on 23rd January was full of messages such as "I want you", "we will be together and it will be amazing", "you need to sort it out for us Mr Santa" etc. etc. Having read other, previous messages everything was talking about what they want to do - never what they have done.

Secondly, opportunity. Unless they booked an afternoon off work without me knowing and went to the Travelodge that is! But if they did, H didn't pay for it! I've checked his card statement - and as I handle all of the household finances, I do know that he would at no point between 12th December & 23rd January have had the required cash on him. Working 2 minutes away, he was leaving here at 8.50am every morning, coming home for the lunch hour every day and then getting home by 5.40pm every night (he finishes at 5.30pm). He had no nights out, no unexplained (or even explained) absences or time apart from me during the period of the affair. He even had two weeks off over Christmas & New Year during which time we were together the entire time. He was still messaging her though!

[Millliii]

One of the things that is advised after an affair is that the cheating partner has nothing to do at all with the person whom he/she was cheating with. No contact is advisable for obvious reasons. This must be a difficult one for you then OP.

Can I ask how you know for definite that there was not a sexual physical affair? Its only been 3 weeks which is very early days with regard to full disclosure and finding out everything.

[Rainbowlou1]

I don't know how I'd feel if my H had worked with the ow...I don't think I could stay in those circumstances.
My H's 'saving grace' was this woman lives on the other side of the world and they met when she was over here to stay for a bit...I know they carried on over the phone but somehow once he had told her it was over and blocked her number, it somehow helped me knowing there was that distance, although now Ive found out she is coming back here so who knows where we go once that happens.