If you ended up in a bad relationship, what were the early warning signs?

[Destinysdaughter]

Not just talking about abusive relationships but ones where you ended up unhappy, you realised you were fundamentally incompatible, or he was selfish, didn't make you happy, was unfaithful or lazy, un attentive etc. I see so many women talking about unhappy relationships they are in and I wonder if, with hindsight, there were moments that revealed his true character, but you just didn't pay attention to them?

Reading through these threads reminds me that I am pretty sure my ex told his new wife's family and friends that I was crazy. I've only met any of them in passing a couple of times in over 10 years but they have all scuttled away from me and avoided eye contact, even though I've been with the children and have invariably been in situations where I am being helpful.

For me the first warning sign was when I offered to support both of us so he could go back to uni and get a qualification, and he said no. Turned out that despite his very high intelligence and apparent ability he's too passive and bone lazy to apply himself to anything that demanding.

My friend could be writing on here.
She met a man on a dating site who withing 3 months had
-stopped her from going running without him (but she had to run as slow as him)
-told her not to die her hair/wear makeup as she was beautiful without it.
-got her to bin all her "slut shoes"because high heeled she's made her taller than him.
-made her get rid of her cat because he wanted a dog.
-called me a pig and a slut and made her stay away from any of her friends.

A pretty late warning sign for me was when we had sex last year (after a period of neither of us particularly wanting to) and after the third time within ten minutes that he bit me quite hard on the boob (having said 'don't bite me' each previous time) I stopped it and asked him why he was biting me when i had asked him not to. He just said I was uptight and wasn't it unbelievable that I started an argument even during sex and it was no big deal anyway as during sex 'stuff happens.'

I didn't think much of it at the time but now it seems pretty unbelievable. Turned out later he was having an affair the whole time as well.

I'm reading these with sadness.

But what do you do if you think someone in your circle is about to commit herself to a relationship with a person who is not good for them?

I'm observing a woman in my family circle - younger generation from me, mid-twenties.

Planning to marry her first and only boyfriend. (Interestingly she has a job where she has to be very much a leader. Someone commented about people who are powerful at work, being less so at home.)

Boyfriend talks in a not-respectful way about his mother, describing her as being of low intelligence. (Mother is a successful business woman.) To my horror my young relative has also started referring to herself as 'lower functioning'. With her boyfriend being higher functioning.

They are currently planning to buy a house, but it is the boyfriend who makes a series of announcements about where this house will be. (The location keeps changing.) He also announces when they will have children, and also that he thinks they may adopt rather than having their own kids.

The odd thing is that on one level the boyfriend is not angry or bullying in public situation. It's just that he completely takes charge. While my relative effaces herself.

Oh and his parents also want her to sign a prenuptial agreement.

Ex no 1. Like many others the warning signs were:
Silent treatment
Talking to his mother like dirt
Falling out with family members
Had to be right
Belittling my work/interests etc
Lazy, selfish, arrogant
False in public/treated the postman better than me

Ex no 2.
No friends
Hardly saw family
No life, just hung around me so I felt smothered
Pretended he wanted me to have a social life then acted offended on the rare occasion I went out
False laugh
Over helpfulness when I didn't want it then complained he felt used when I dumped him

Ex no 3.
Lived with his parents at the age of 53
Was looking for a 'serious relationship' aka someone he could shack up with quickly
On the first date, said all women were after was fancy meals or his body (he was tight as a gnats arse and couldn't get it up)

One positive from this is I can spot the signs and dump much quicker these days. Ex no 1 I put up with for 15 years, ex no 2 one year, ex no 3 seven weeks!

I think the way a man treats his mother speaks volumes.

plurabelle I think you're right to worry but I'm not sure what you can do about it without jeopardising your own relationship with your family member. Maybe point her towards some information about what abuse looks like?

I know of someone in an abusive relationship for 8 years. There is an absurd age gap, he is over 50, lots of drinking, and she has nowhere to go because she is disowned, she can't leave or she's on the street. It is heartbreaking and sickening. In her 20s, she has an alcohol related arthritic condition most people get in their 50s. He once threw her down the stairs, she has stitches in her head, and scars all over her arms. He punched her in the face and she now has toothache a lot. She thinks she is a model when she just blagged a photoshoot.

Bad relationship with his mum, his ex gf trying to subtly warn me about him, unable to keep a job down for long, disrespectful to colleagues, had two personalities- a charming one for his friends when in actual fact then he had no real personality whatsoever, everyone else is always the problem not him blah blah blah. Weird looking back isn’t it you think what on earth did I actually see in them!?

I regret not looking at his misogynistic narcissistic arse of a father and realising that I with a carbon copy of him in a 30 year younger body. I said at the time that if he turned into his father then I would be off. If only it was really that simple when you have two kids and a bloody great big mortgage

Being in a competition that you are never aware of having entered. So, for example -

if I texted him to say I'd run a further than usual distance on my daily run, I'd get back 'well, I must have walked xxxx miles at work today!' (always further than I'd run)

if I told him I was tired because I was worried about something and not sleeping, instead of asking me what I was worried about, I'd get a looooong speech about how he wasn't sleeping and was tossing and turning all night and didn't know how he'd manage to get through the day.

Everything had to be a fucking competition.

These are awful experiences

I was in an abusive relationship for five years. My then dp was good looking and I was flattered he liked me.

1. He was mean. He worked full time and I was a student. When we bought weekly take aways we paid separately. Several times I has little money and he would never pay for mine.

1. When I stayed over he would make himself a cooked breakfast after I had left

1. He never met me from the train station when I visited late at night

1. He would kick me off his bed on many occasions and order me to the spare room

1. He hit me with a wet towel once. Soon after I left him

1. He would talk of the women he could have which made me feel insecure.

I had no confidence and generally saw myself as unattractive so I tolerated his bad treatment. I thought nobody else would want me.

Five wasted years.

hot and cold
no empathy
everything was always someone else's fault

Him telling me not to do something. Sounded caring at first. Stop smoking it is bad for you. Do not wear a short skirt I don't want you to get assaulted. Before I knew it I was not allowed to go out witj friends without him. I had to call him before going out with my family. I wasn't allowed to masturbate. Or wear anything too tight. And I was given a hard time because I wasn't a virgin when we met. I wish I had known it was abuse. Twenty years on of course it is obvious to me now. But I was a kid.
In short... anything that " he won't allow " is a massive red flag to me. It is never okay.

He kissed someone else when we was 19 and had been together 2 years, I forgave him.. we got married when I was 27 and was divorced at 28.. turns out a leopard doesn’t change their spots. Wish I had NEVER forgiven the kiss at 19

My ex wouldn't call me by the abreviated version of my name, although I told him that I didn't like the full version. He gave compliments, but finished with something nasty at the end. Had an issue with my past, even to the point of a ons at 19 (I'm 50 now fgs). At the beginning I thought he was amazing, was showered witb expensive gifts, contacted all the time throughout the day etc. I've since found out his ex wasn't a crazy she had a restraining order against him & he tried to run his forst ex wife over. Lucky escape for me I think

Ogled other women in front of me from day one. Up and down undressing with the eyes and turning to stare at their bottoms. Making noises sometimes and commenting about them. When called out on it, denied it. When there was no more chance of denial, asked me if I expected him to keep his eyes on the pavement constantly and I MUST be insecure.

Criticised my body (sometimes immediately after an ogling incident). Denied saying it "how I thought he meant it", when asked for an explanation of what exactly he meant, couldn't give one, told me I was too sensitive, or he was only trying to "help" me.

Backhanded compliments. Would tell me some part of my body looked great - but it didn't before, but he didn't think he should mention it. WTAF.

Gambling addiction. Weed addiction. Hidden coke problem. Taking drugs on night shift at work with some crony colleague whose wife had just kicked him out for Lord knows what. Borrowed my money to pay off friends he had borrowed from and I never saw it again. Kept change from shopping and gambled it. Denied he was gambling over 20 euros a day, even though I had the slips in my hand. Called my unhinged, stupid, crazy, that my family had screwed me up and I was incapable of being normal.

Always had money for a nice phone, despite endlessly borrowing from other people. Always money for nice clothes.

Selfish in bed.

When I left him, called me some shocking names. Lied about everything. Gaslit.

It was long distance, UK and Ireland. Never flew to me when I miscarried. Never came when I had surgery for something else.

WTF was I doing.. the redeeming features were practically zero. My bar is much higher now though, I'll bail if a single red flag starts waving the tiniest bit!!

A huge red flag for me is regarding his family dynamics. How do people with in his family treat each other? How do the men treat the woman for a start? Also what are the men like in the family? Are they domineering, aggressive etc etc. How does he get on with his parents. For me these are all huge red flags

He has a good relationship with his mother, is lovely to her. Friends with all ex girlfriends except one (they are friends now). I took it all into consideration.
Still an abusive prick and 16 years later I'm struggling to get out.
My advice today would be: watch how he reacts when you don't do what he wants. Specially when there are no one from "outside" watching.

Is it a ted flag if he worships his mother and goes home to her every weekend and spends his free time with her even if he is mid thirties and has a girlfriend?

None of his relationships had gotten past the year mark and all seemed to have ended with him as the 'victim'. Said his last ex was emotionally abusive and was always horrible to him... later down the line when I tried to have a calm discussion about behaviour of his that hurt/upset me he told me I was being horrible and trying to hurt him.

Had a holier than thou attitude, was very judgey towards people with different views/behaviour than him.

Talked over the top of me.

Had a big victim complex, truly believed his life was so hard and the world was out to get him and that his life was out of his control. In reality it was all things he could have changed easily eg didn't like his job.

Dealt with any issues with his loved ones in a very snide, underhand way rather than just sitting down and having an upfront conversation. Could not do normal, healthy confrontation.

The biggest red flag was my own feelings though, from the beginning I always felt worried he would turn on me and leave. I convinced myself I was just insecure as he was the first man I'd truly liked and was being irrational as he was always so affectionate, and seemed all in where I was concerned. I always felt like there was danger around the corner. I now know this was my gut picking up on the fact he was not someone I could trust with my heart and trying to warn me. I've never worried like that before in a relationship and if I ever feel like that again I won't ignore it.

Being in a competition that you are never aware of having entered.

This! With bells on! My job is a Monday - Friday job, I finish between 3 & 5 every day but am usually up at 5am to start at 6. If I said I was tired from work I'd get "well at least you weren't in work until 10pm" and I had to bite my tongue so many times to stop myself from saying "yes, but while you were still lying snoozing in your pit before starting your shift, I was half way through mine!"

His life always had to be harder.

With my ex he had a difficult relationship with his parents, and with exes, it was always their fault, even his ex putting a restraining order out on him. He raged at me early on but I thought this was what 'normal' relationships were, 'passionate'. I should have gotten out but I stuck in there and within a few months he was practically living here so it wasn't as easy to leave the situation and i got used to the ups and downs. Now I'm out of it and casually looking to date, I always look at family dynamics and relationships with kids and exes when I talk to men. Most recent examples, one bloke called me pathetic for not going home with him, another said frigid, another has nil contact with his children. Now I've opened my eyes more, it's frightening how many warning signs there are to see. Listen to your gut instincts people, you really are the prize and deserve to be treated with respect and love.

I would watch for acting charming. Doing things to look good but really is for their image & benefit.