If you ended up in a bad relationship, what were the early warning signs?

[Destinysdaughter]

Not just talking about abusive relationships but ones where you ended up unhappy, you realised you were fundamentally incompatible, or he was selfish, didn't make you happy, was unfaithful or lazy, un attentive etc. I see so many women talking about unhappy relationships they are in and I wonder if, with hindsight, there were moments that revealed his true character, but you just didn't pay attention to them?

Terrible temper/anger issues
No friends
Would ignore me for days after an argument
Heavy drinking
All his relationships (inc 2 marriages) failed because of them not him
No bond with my kids after 6 years
Jealous of my ex husband

Where to start:-

Blamed me for everything
Smoked weed excessively - spent hundreds of pounds a month on his habit and then made it out was my fault that he had no money
Gambled thousands of pounds away
Could never be bothered to do anything with me - made out I was unreasonable for wanting to do more than sit next to him on the sofa every night as he played a game
Laughed at me when I tried to be spontaneous romantically
Cancelled plans on me when something better came along
Never apologised for hurting or upsetting me
Acted like everything in the relationship should be his way or no way at all
Lied consistently - even about stupid petty little things
I was never treated as an equal in a partnership.

4.5 years wasted - he's someone else's problem now.

Calling me an "oik" for going to a comprehensive when he'd gone to boarding school.

Though he was such a prat he thought the word was "oink" !!

I wish I’d discovered MN earlier in this relationship. It was an eye opener when I did - to realise it wasn’t ME, it was him. I’d never been in an abusive relationship before and I really didn’t know what the hell was going on. I was too confused and embarrassed to tell my friends and family - even though they all suspected what was going on, but I kept assuring them everything was fine. All along I thought I could ‘fix’ him.

It’s horrifying to read some of these replies and keep nodding - yes, that was me too. I’m a strong independent woman, bit of a high flyer professionally - yet I let myself be physically and emotionally intimidated by someone because they were bigger than me, could shout louder and convince me I was in the wrong time and time again.

Thankfully, I finally threw him out and went completely NC. I still feel angry two years on, but I’m getting better.

Shoving me during an argument up until then it had been wonderful. I was so gutted.

I was nineteen and failed an important exam, largely because he wouldn't let me study. He said that was a good thing, it would "take me down a peg or two". I stayed with him for fifteen more years, as I thought that's what relationships were like.

Finally had an affair - best thing I've ever done, weirdly, as I finally discovered what it was like to be treated respectfully, and the OM and I are wonderfully happy a decade later.

It’s horrifying to read some of these replies and keep nodding - yes, that was me too. I’m a strong independent woman, bit of a high flyer professionally - yet I let myself be physically and emotionally intimidated by someone because they were bigger than me, could shout louder and convince me I was in the wrong time and time again.

When I had therapy I was told that if you're dominant at work you're often more submissive at home and vice versa.

I work a professional job but in my personal life I am a joke.

Another thing I remember is opening my heart to the second guy I described in the thread about the first guy emotionally abusing me. I remember the look on his face even to this day (this was about 5.5 years ago!), I thought at the time it was sadness for me/for what I ewnt through. But I actually think the look was actually guilt because he was also emotionally abusing me and using me.

I believe he was cheating on me, lying to me constantly, he kept standing me up, he read my medical records (I believe anyway). To this day I still feel quite a lot of resentment there. :/ I remember exposing him for being a total dick on my facebook status, and all of a sudden he had deleted me off facebook and dumped me by text but still said he loved me shortly afterwards in another text. I think it's because his mask was being removed by me posting about that and he didn't want anyone else to know he was an emotionally abusive dickhead.

Oh, and annoyingly, a week later I went to a party and his old housemate came up to me just to warn me that that guy is a total wanker, a compulsive liar and apparently (to my shock as he was always in pristine condition when he turned up at my house) didn't shower. :O I couldn't help but text him to let him know the guy told me he didn't shower just to see what he had to say for himself, and he was like pfffft that guy, he's just got in for me. I still wonder what he did to piss his housemate off so much.

Superiority complex. Constantly derailing conversations so nothing is resolved. Being very selfish.
Relationships post divorce have reprogrammed my expectations. I realise most men feel awful if they upset you and are able to apologise and change their behaviour without feeling emasculated or needing to constantly bring it up - they just say sorry and move on.

I have learned to trust my mum. Her bullshit radar is miles better than mine so her gut instinct on my boyfriends or girlfriends tends to be pretty damned accurate.
I agree with this statement. Mums know you better than anyone else!!

When I look back and list all the red flags I chose to ignore I am amazed.
Met him on line. Very attracted to him but our first phone conversation was him talking at me for 45mins nonstop. I put it down to nerves, but no he just liked talking about himself. And continued to talk over me for the next 4years.
First date he turned up with a load if books for my DD, who he was yet to meet.At the time I thought it was thoughtful, with retrospect it was a bit weird. Especially as he has kids from two relationships which he had effectively walked away from.
He actually told me he had been married 3 times, and the third time his wife had thrown him out and changed the locks,if that ain't a red flag what is! But I still carried on seeing him.
Had two months of lovey dovey stuff. Then went to a gig together. He stormed off as I paid too much attention to the band and not to him....
At this point the alarm bells were ringing but I still carried on seeing him. I wanted to believe it was a one off and things would work out....And so it went on.
3months later he had a tantrum because I had a night out arranged with a friend and couldn't see him. He spent the night texting me constantly,then rang the next morning to say it was over as I obviously preferred my friend to him.....and I ended up apologising for seeing my friend (!!!) and still carried on seeing him.
5 months later, out with friends again on a night out, he got into a tantrum about something and stormed off again. I went home, really upset. He came back hours later, still raging, screaming in my face. I was so shocked I sat there with my teeth chattering.I should have run for the hills at this point.But we split up, then got back together again. Fool!
Episodes continued to occur every two or three months. Everything would be ok then he would flip. Could be any time anywhere. I once had the temerity to ask if he was planning on getting up to walk his dog one Sunday morning. Queue jumping out if bed,raging like a loon and storming off. Again.
Storming out if restaurants on at least two occasions, leaving me sat there like a lemon.
Raging at me in the car ,with kids sat in the back because I pointed out the handbrake was off and the car was rolling forward.
Taking the pork pie he was chewing out of his mouth and throwing it into my face in the street because I said I didn't want one out if the packet he offered me.
Constantly belittling my work, my voluntary work, my friends, my musical tastes, my hobbies, but expecting me to listen in length about every tiny thing in his life. The world was against him,everyone was out to get him etc etc.
The sex was very good in the early days, but that gradually became just on his terms too.
Found he was still registered on a dating site last year, when I challenged him on it he turned it round so that I was in the wrong for "spying on him". By this stage I was so ground down I let it go,even though friends were telling me he was totally in the wrong.I even got defensive when they tried to talk to me about it.
I only actually realised/ acknowledged this was emotional abuse about 4or 5 months ago. Prior to that I just thought he had problems,and with the love of a good woman he could change. What a load of bullshit. Finally began to see the bigger picture and challenge him on his behaviour, which he really didn't like.Realised he wasn't going to change, and that rather than it being out of his control he actually chose when he kicked off and also he never did it to other men. Called time after Xmas, after 3 episodes in as many days.
Look back now and think Jesus! But I got there eventually I guess.

Asked me out I declined, he then complained to my boss about my work, pursued me for 2 years until I said yes (in a drunken haze), wooed me there on, proposed to me 21 days later, and I fucking married the arsehole.

Usual abusive traits, more prevalent after I fell pregnant and gave up work, loved to put me down, call me stupid, take the piss out of me, out of how I looked, the clothes I wore, my hair, my weight, controlled finances, would go crazy if I didn't stop everything and give him my full attention (with eye contact) while he spoke, talked over me and if I paused while speaking (to think of right phrase, word etc) would bark "yes?? .....Yes???....Come on!!!"

First major sign that i should not have ignored was; throwing a huge tantrum and refusing to speak to me because i called him a petty name (nothing malicious, and in the midst of a joking conversation) totally took a huff. So not being able to take a joke or being touchy is a big one. Then came the the 'story' of his abusive ex how horrible she was, how she had gotten his confidence to zero. Next was when i first told him how meeting him had been such a lovely experience n he replied i was in a bubble. He had issues with ppl from work constantly complaining how they undervalued him, he clashed with everyone he worked with hated his job. Was bitter about friends who had better paying jobs saying they fluked it ti get to where they were. Slagged off literally everyone in his life about anything he could. Constant moaning about the shitty hand life had dealt him but wouldnt do much to improve the situation he was in. Called me paranoid, phsyco, a headache. Ignored my texts for hours then would spam msg me if he knew i was somewhere important asking why im ignoring him. Slyness, sneakyness, lies, excuses, blame, self pity. These r just a few 😣

I had a boyfriend who missed me desperately, even when he was at work. At first I found it cute, then when he started controlling all my outings and boicoting meetings with my friends, I realised that that missing me he described was only the first sign that he was incredibly jealous and controlling.

He started talking about marriage by the third month, told my parents and his at the same time, started talking about taking over my mortgage, the decoration of the house and how to adapt it to accomodate more children, by the 4th month I found the whole business very asphixiating, couldn't even have a different opinion without him making clear his disapproval. And then, all of the sudden, I disagreed with him on which road to take to a destination and... He left me.

Interestingly, months later I went though a questionaire of Women's Aid to find out if the guy you were dating had the potential to become abusive. That boyfriend had more than 20 indicators out of less than 25. The second nearest to him, who incidentally made my life hell for years, only got 4.

I think it is only looking back that I realise that stuff was abusive... at the time it just felt ..not right... but was always something wrong with what I did. Even now I can read stuff on MN and have the lightbulb..DH used to do that...moment

when he wouldn't speak or look at me for days on end but not tell me what I'd "done wrong ". After a few days, I'd be a nervous wreck, desperately trying to get back into his good books again. Then, when he thought it had gone on long enough, I would be told of some petty infraction and I would, to my shame, promise never to do it again.

This with knobs on. Towards the end some of the silences went on for weeks with me tying myself in knots trying to work out what I had done wrong.

And it started within a year of our wedding too.

On the plane to our Honeymoon that I paid for, I had wanted to buy some perfume like I always did...he opened the Duty Free brochure and announced "Well we wont be buying that". Around the pool he went to take a photo of me but asked me to lean to one side...when the photo's were developed I realised he had taken a photo of a topless girl.

It wasn't until after I was on my own that I actually started to see his behaviour as abusive. The final, this cant go on moments for me was when he started to put our son down, firstly to my face then directly to my son

Trust your instincts. Don't think that he/she isn't capable of something. For a year I kidded myself that what my ex was up to behind my back was innocent, well it wasn't. The way he treated me to hide his lies, me crying myself to sleep every night for a year, I should have done something about it and trust my instincts

This is from a mixture of people: I have certainly not been good at filtering

• frequently got into fights, quick to anger but of course he wouldn't dream of ever directing that at me

• comparing me to other women he'd had sex with during sex. Then when I pointed out this was shitty behaviour his response was who the hell did I think I was.

• ignored my boundaries

• laughed at other peoples misfortune

• fell asleep all the time as a way to avoid discussing something difficult.

• thought it was ok to spit on me during sex.

What a lot of awful men .

My ex used to belittle me in public to the extent when once we were at a poncy art fair a woman overheard and was obviously so shocked that she actually spoke to me and told me not to put up with it and to leave him . It took 3 more years.

As the mother of a son, I really hope no DP of his ever says such things about him. A big responsibility!

Solasum, what a kind and brave woman to speak to you. I don't know if I would have had the courage to do the same, but I know I would have wanted to respond in the same way as she had.

Yes, there are some really awful men and women out there. There are some amazingly kind, thoughtful and very lovely ones too. I hope, one day, that if we haven't already, we might come across one of the lovely kind hearted, loyal people.

-was on a hook up website the day we got together even though he had just said he loved me
-had sex with me even though I didn't want to
-sulked because I went on holiday without him (booked before we got together)
-told me he hated me
-disappeared for a day, turned up at 6am claiming he'd been at his grandmother's house and just got back, even though her house was two hours away

All of this in the first two weeks. I'm a mug, sometimes. It got much worse and he did me a favour when he ended it (mercifully after only 6 months, thank god).

Jealous.
Critical of my friends.
I modified my behaviour to please him.
Defensive.
Stonewalling.
Lazy.
Tight-fisted.
Somehow managed to keep me in the permanent 'one-down' position.
Brought out the absolute worst in me.

It only took me twenty years to see the light...

Lionhearty yes. I wish I had appreciated it at the time, or Gould thank her. Her (male) companion was clearly mortified that she had said anything. I like to think I would do the same for someone else these days, but not sure I actually could.

Oh yes, I forgot that I told him I didn't want to have sex on our wedding night, but he coerced me into doing it anyway.

My lovely new husband. Not.

No genuine empathy. If I cried it meant nothing, it was just me 'trying to make him feel guilty'. My best friend's baby was very ill and this news was met with a cold 'oh'.

I was fifteen minutes late to call him one evening in the early days of our relationship when we lived apart. He then refused to pick up and told me I wasn't prioritising him or our relationship.

His mum waits on him hand and foot. He was/is having an annex built for her. She would bring him his dinner on a try and clear it away for him after. He didn't know how to work his own oven.
Being shocked at the way he spoke down to his mum. Talking over her, telling her what to do etc.

His ex-wife was 'crazy and abusive'. The girlfriend after that had 'issues'.

Rushing/quietly bullying me to get me to move in with him despite us only being together a few months.

I also think its worth looking at why we make these mistakes. I ended up in a relationship because it was there at a time when I needed to get out of the family home and had no job so could not afford to rent. Ended up staying over at this guys place a lot and got sort of stuck there.

However, the signs it wasn't right for me included - prioritising drinking, not speaking to me on nights out with his mates, getting annoyed if I wanted to do something different etc etc.

He was also a dreamer - would come up with endless plans but never took even the first step towards making things happen unless it was a spur of the moment crazy thing.