If you ended up in a bad relationship, what were the early warning signs?

[Destinysdaughter]

Not just talking about abusive relationships but ones where you ended up unhappy, you realised you were fundamentally incompatible, or he was selfish, didn't make you happy, was unfaithful or lazy, un attentive etc. I see so many women talking about unhappy relationships they are in and I wonder if, with hindsight, there were moments that revealed his true character, but you just didn't pay attention to them?

Mmm, my ex, apart from trying to isolate me, would pooh pooh any thought I had that did not agree with his. A lot of times putting it down to my "stupid romanticism" but also "because someone else must have put the idea into my head"

Never understood that there should be a relationship between what he said or promised and what he did, ever, to this day in fact.

Stayed overnight and never moved out. He did that with at least one other woman after me too.

This was just a little thing but on our first date, which was an Indian meal, so not expensive, I offered to pay half and he accepted! I think he's the only guy who has ever done that and actually he did turn out to be pretty mean spirited in the end. And terribly resentful, once didn't talk to me for 2 days because I left some crumbs on the kitchen work top.

He also didn't find Faulty Towers funny.... = no sense of humour!

I wasn't in love with him.

But also, he used my credit card without asking permission quite early on. With the benefit of hindsight, that was an extremely bad sign.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs from page 1 - please start a thread ... you're still stuck there, right?

He'd left letters lying on the floor which were demanding he paid tuition fees or he'd fail his course. He told me he'd had a slot machine addiction whilst at uni. He later stole money from my account.

He wanted all his ex girlfriends to come to our wedding. I refused. Two decades later.....he left me for one of them.

There were more. But I'm liberated now so they don't matter

Check how he is with mum grandmothers.
Trust your instincts when meeting his famliy. I was working as a nanny when I met a d had lot of interviews at people house I knew when I could fit and when I could not. I walked and knew something was up. Took be 25 years to know what.
I also was told I was not allowed by his parents ( well that is what he said I think was him not liking that) to sit with my legs over his .
What tv shows he likes does not like .
Mine hated rosanne . I was tall became big opinionated woman. All the opinionated side has gone beaten and abuse out of me. If I argue with him he did speak to me for a week .

I have learned to trust my mum. Her bullshit radar is miles better than mine so her gut instinct on my boyfriends or girlfriends tends to be pretty damned accurate.

Doesn't work for her own relationships though.

I have no ability to tell until things are really not good, and even then it often comes from someone close to me first.

Selfishness.
Thought everyone was beneath him.
Complete lack of empathy or kindness - would take the piss out of people in a mean spirited way.
Thought he was extraordinarily talented and so everyone should dance to his tune.
Had a 'mad' ex.
Could never stop when it came to drinking, and a lot of his drinking was 'networking' which I couldn't then complain about.
Quick to rise to anger (with other people).
Perfectionism - it was a very subtle form of control.
His mother treated him as if he was a complete god, and he could do no wrong.

The first week we were together when he burst into tears because his dad was such an arsehole. Took me 16 years to see why that (and the rest) wasn't a good sign

Love this thread

Little lies about his childhood

Wanted me to sit in silence while he worked for exams - not even listening to music on headphones (even when he had a friend round to revise with noisily)
Shared every purchasing decision for our home whether paint colour or duvet cover or bathroom loo roll holder. If I bought anything myself he would hate it.
Shouted at members of staff who didn't follow his instructions to his satisfaction and made them cry then blamed them for being incompetent.
Had weird dysfunctional family, turned out his father abused his mother for 22 years.

Lies - he would lie about stupid little things that weren't even important.
He would give me backhanded compliments and point out flaws in a nicey nicey way to lower my self esteem.
He expected instant replies to messages and if I took too long to answer he would get very arsey but if he took ages to answer that was a different story.
He was unable to stick to anything and blamed his issues on everyone around him.
Sexist comments about random women- this should have been the biggest red flag for me!
I stayed three years, he was my first serious relationship and for the first year he seemed lovely.
He would conveniently forget certain truths but then bring up other things from the past, however if I mentioned anything that had happened previously then I was "bitter" and "unable to let things go".

Error404username has described the identical scenario I found myself in!

The constantly talking over me,
The belittling,
calling me an idiot in front of everyone....

Could be the same man! I fucking put up with 3 years.

Saying he loved me within a couple of weeks.
Proposing within six weeks.
Having a snide sense of humour.
Being in thrall to his parents.
Being rough/inconsiderate sexually. And an exhibitionist. I didn't realise that until a few months ago. He was a fucking exhibitionist. And a controller. But I was up for it so I didn't notice. But it all came from him.
Hitting me (once) before we were married.
Belittling.
Saying 'Faults I might have but being wrong is not one of them' and meaning it.

Also, making a thing of his mother dying when he was a teen (some ten years before) very early on. Now, one's parent dying IS a big thing clearly, but he seemed to bring it up in a slightly odd way: he would hardly ever talk about it and always said he had never cried and then at funny times, he would start getting all morose (like with my friends in the pub when he didn't really know anyone) and it crossed my mind that it was for attention and sympathy. I thought this again when he brought it up in front of my parents at Christmas. I dismissed it as in my imagination but then one of his female friends said the same. When he was having an affair, much later, he blamed his distant and rude behaviour towards me on still being upset about his mum (18 years on). Turned out he was just shagging someone else.

pastmyduedate, did yours keep saying 'the fact is...' every time he gave his opinion so all the fucking time then, firmly believing that the two were synonymous?

What really pisses me off is that when we split, he managed to get me to agree that it was my fault the relationship didn't work, even though I precipitated ending it (was a bit drawn out) because I knew he made me unhappy. Repugnant oik...

I forgot this one....what would think of a guy who ran down his family quite early on. Within a couple of dates and that his mother never cooked anything but ready meals.

We used to play Mario Kart in the early days and he would get really angry when I beat him which was all the time. Storming out of the room sort of stuff. Pathetic.
I basically had to let him win and if I dare shelled him.... He broke a plate with a controller and that put an end to the gaming and the relationship ended a short while later.

This is the more lighthearted stuff - he was a nasty man and there were loads of the warning signs that others have mentioned.

When someone tells you who they are listen - how badly he treated his previous girlfriends but would never do that to me!

Jealous - but to be honest I liked the attention at first as my mother was emotionaly detached as a parent.

Rushed me into marriage - married within 18 months of meeting one another. In hindsight I just wanted to escape my mother.

Stonewalling and gas lighting - acceptable to me, thought all families did this.

Put his hands around my neck - just the once but now know it's a sign of a dangerous man , though I was in complete denial as there were so many nice times.

Constantly talked over me, at me, never with me.

Addicted to porn , very entitled in bed, withdrew sex to control.

Bought into "marriage is hard "myth - crappy templates of our parents marriage

Will never marry again and thanks to you lovely mumsnetters who dish out your excellent advice I have dodged similar fuckwits .

I read the "Right listen up everybody" regularly to remind myself what a good relationship should look like.

Warning bells:

• his students called him a cretin
• He used to demand expensive gifts from his parents, months before the date of the celebration. Very strange for a grown up professional man, I think.
• He absolutely worshiped his mother, what she said was the law.
• his needs always had to come first
• He seemed unable to keep friends

How did he got away with it? he always brought me a cup of coffee in the morning, ALWAYS, so I thought he was such a good boyfriend until I realised that apart of bringing the cup of coffee, he was a complete inconsiderate jerk. It took me years to work it out, though.

Mine also had a bizarre relationship with his mum. She would call him daily and get very angry with him if she couldn't contact him. He had to talk to her for approximately forty minutes each day. She spent the time telling him off about various things and asking him to fix her life for her (she was a bored, rich lady of leisure).

His mother didn't like us being affectionate in front of her.

He had no empathy for me whatsoever. I could cry my eyes out and the only thing he would feel is anger for me pathetically trying to make him feel guilty.

He would demand to know what I wanted to eat, watch, and so on, just so that he could tell me that wasn't what he wanted. I had to guess what he wanted. Apparently, it would be mean of me to make him do something he didn't enjoy.

He went on holiday without me. He went to friend's weddings alone and I wouldn't even know until the date.

He had hardly managed a relationship before. He broke up with his previous girlfriend for being jealous and clingy. Then, of course, I was the jealous and clingy one. These are not traits I possess, which I was aware of from better relationships.

Silly thing is that I adored him and stayed with him until he couldn't stand me anymore. Duh!!

Horrible about his Ex
Hated my friends, especially the male ones.
Repeated what I said and mimicked my voice during arguments.
Lied about qualifications and previous jobs.
Felt like the world owed him a living.
Spiteful to me and my son.
Always storming off after a row.
Goading.
Smashed my possessions.
Spent my money like water

I'm wondering if my ex went out with anybody on here! There seem to be a bunch of nasty pieces of work out there who share traits with him. My red flags:

• Never told anybody he was going out with me. I didn't notice it at first as we talked mostly on Skype, but when any of his family knocked on his door (he was living at home with his parents after having split with his ex) he would never say he was talking to me, he'd just say he was on the phone. When I challenged him about it he got very defensive. Thinking about it years afterwards I was probably a bit on the side and never suspected it because I was ridiculously naive.

• His ex was apparently a lunatic. I only wish I'd been on Mumsnet back then as if I'd heard this now I'd have known to run a mile from the start. Back then I believed him.

• He drank a lot, frequently, and turned into somebody I really didn't like after a few drinks ... very sleazy texts that made me feel dirty.

He professed to be in love with me after around a month of long distance dating. I couldn't say the same.

• Moaned at me for not talking enough about him when we chatted. I apparently was supposed to badger him for details about his day rather than let him volunteer things he wanted to share with me.

• Told me there were things about him I just wouldn't understand and I would have to accept it if I wanted to be with him. Bollocks to that.

• Very clingy and got shitty with me if I didn't instantly respond to his texts. When I had an evening out he'd often end up calling me drunk in the middle of it or ruining a happy event in my life. He was also jealous of me showing attention to any male that wasn't him.

There's more, but essentially the more I got to know him the less I liked him, until by the end I couldn't remember what it was I'd liked about him in the first place. Since I joined Mumsnet I've realised he was an EA asshole and I'm well rid of him - can't believe it took me so long to realise on my own! - though I do thank him for showing me what an actual wanker looks like. After meeting him, it was that much easier to recognise the true gentleman I ended up marrying a couple of years later. :)

1. gut feeling - if you really aren't sure after first couple of dates then don't pursue the relationship.
2. again if all the exes are apparently awful then should be a warning (especially if the first wife tells you to watch out!).
3. again - weird relationship with his mother. We lived next door to her & seriously once went 6 weeks without seeing her. She saw & spoke to her other 2 children almost every day. If his own mother is not keen on him then major warning sign !
4. telling you that you are rubbish with money when you have always been before.
5. giving up contact with his first child- definitely an indication of poor father skills