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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do, I have no one

55 replies

Janeyat867 · 12/02/2016 22:25

I used to be so strong and independent why am I not now? I'm young, late 20s married just over a year. I can't look my H in the eyes, he's done many things, including talking to other women and deleting fb messages, then I decided to open a Twitter account and I followed him to find out 95% of his people he followed were females, exes etc. he watches porn whenever I'm not there. I found him browsing sex sites to buy prostitutes in our town. But he's so nice. He's such a nice man and father, am I just thinking too much?

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 12/02/2016 22:27

He is not nice.
He is not a nice man or father.
You are not thinking too much.
You have been duped, I am sorry to say.

NewNameNotTheSame · 12/02/2016 22:30

You can't be serious? Read that post back to yourself. Again and again and again until you realise that you are not the problem.

Balders74 · 12/02/2016 22:31

That is such a strange thing to end that post with. He has done awful things but you say he is really nice. He seems to have no respect for you or your relationship.

Looking for sex elsewhere is not ok. You need to realise that you're worth more than this.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 12/02/2016 22:35

He's really nice to me, like attentive, thinks about me, our family etc so why all that? Why all these twats on Twitter, why the obsessive porn? I don't enjoy sex with him, I just pretend now. I'm at a loss. I honestly have no one its so depressing but why oh why is he so fucking nice????

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/02/2016 22:37

He acts like he's nice, but he's not really nice. He doesn't put you first, does he?

Please don't stay with a man who does this. It's soul destroying.

bb888 · 12/02/2016 22:39

How is that stuff nice? He isn't nice, he's just trying to butter you up so you don't make an issue of the rest of it.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 12/02/2016 22:41

He says it's my fault I'm overthinking it because I'm insecure? I am insecure yes but do I deserve that? It hasn't happened for a while.

OP posts:
bb888 · 12/02/2016 22:44

You aren't overthinking it. Whats to overthink?!

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 12/02/2016 22:48

I think because these things happened over a 3 year period, not all together and he's so so nice, I've never met a nicer man if I didn't know these things I'd think he was perfect so what's going on here??? I'm confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 12/02/2016 22:59

I literally have no one I rely on him for childcare while at work too!

OP posts:
cece · 12/02/2016 23:05

He is the DC father - that wouldn't stop if you leave. He can still look after them. Or you can get a childminder.

He is not nice.

afussyphase · 12/02/2016 23:19

Is it just fantasising and wanking, or is he actually buying sex in your town? Would that make a difference to you?

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 12/02/2016 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marchate · 12/02/2016 23:25

Not remotely nice. It's an act to keep you from complaining

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 13/02/2016 03:06

As far as I know to my knowledge he's just looked, but he's not going to say if it was more is he? There's been times when he's come home very late from work but I can't really get any evidence together it's driving me mad!

OP posts:
Friendlystories · 13/02/2016 03:31

Thing is OP if he knows you're insecure and he was really so 'nice' wouldn't he be doing everything possible to make you feel secure rather than making those insecurities worse by messaging other women, and looking at porn and escorts? Those things would make even the most secure person feel threatened, why would he do that if he really cared for you? He doesn't need to do them, he wants to, so he is putting what he wants before your feelings and doing massive damage to your self esteem in the process, those are not the actions of a 'nice' man. You have to set a bar for yourself in life, people can only treat you badly if you continue to let them once it becomes apparent they are treating you badly. Hard though it is, and it may well take time, you have to start putting that bar in place and thinking about separating yourself from a man who would put his own desire for illicit thrills above his wife and his marriage. You need to protect yourself in the meantime too, if he is using escorts he is putting you at risk of STI's, you need to get tested and think about whether you can continue to have sex with someone who may well be having sex with other people. At the very least you should insist on condoms but bear in mind they don't protect against all STI's so even then you would be at risk. All this will be very hard to hear I know but you need to put yourself first, he certainly is. If you take nothing else from the replies you get on here at least know that you are not overthinking this or seeing something that isn't there because you're insecure. What you know he has done for sure is bad enough that you should be leaving him let alone the stuff you don't yet know about.

bb888 · 13/02/2016 04:19

Those things would make even the most secure person feel threatened, why would he do that if he really cared for you?

I suspect that he knows that someone who was feeling properly emotionally secure would have been long gone with this behaviour. Its in his interests to keep you insecure and doubting yourself Janey.

CatchAPlaneToBarcelona · 13/02/2016 04:28

Lots of men who seem 'nice' on the outside are like this. They are obsessed with the idea of sex with other people and with porn and these days the fact that the internet makes it so easily and constantly accessible means that it becomes an addiction for them. I think in their minds they justify it by telling themselves it is totally separate thing to the love they feel for their partner and children and it can be contained, like a secret grubby little hobby that doesn't do anyone any harm so long as no-one finds out, but that's not true is it?

And the knowledge of this is what is ruining your sex life, because you are disgusted by him and what he does so you can't see him the way you used to, and to him he will justify sex with other people on the basis that you are not interested in sex so a vicious circle starts.

I don't think men who do this can ever stop easily. Do you want this to be the life you lead for the next 40 years?

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 13/02/2016 08:43

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone, I haven't been withdrawing sex probably the opposite because in my head I now feel like if I don't give enough he can go elsewhere. I still don't enjoy it. I'm unsure if he has actually cheater or if this is all fantasy in his head. I know he said the porn/sex workers ting was just a thing he didn't mean for me to see just private 'him' time and it meant to cause no hurt. I just wouldn't look online for people who sell sex tbh but that's just me? I literally have no one I'm so lost

OP posts:
Friendlystories · 13/02/2016 09:02

I think you have to make some decisions about what you're prepared to accept based on what you already know. He's already tried to minimise and justify his actions

Friendlystories · 13/02/2016 09:04

Oh and you don't have no one, you have a whole community of women on here who will support you Flowers

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 13/02/2016 09:09

About 2 month ago I had a water infection and I got the full checks as I was a bit paranoid luckily they came back fine. He uses the private settings on his internet too, he has two internet browsers on his phone and hides 1 in a folder but doesn't realise it pops up on the screen if you double click (iPhone if anyone gets me) it never shows what he's been looking at as he obviously deletes the history. I just feel completely lied to, he makes stupid lies up. It took so long to get a reason of why he looks at these things that he had given about 10 reasons by the end of it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 13/02/2016 09:10

Thank you fern Smile

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 13/02/2016 09:11

He's not nice, not a nice man, not a good father

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 13/02/2016 09:35

I don't think he's got the intelligence to be doing this to make me more insecure or anything like that I've thought about this before. I just don't understand it's pretty selfish and self indulgent

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