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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do, I have no one

55 replies

Janeyat867 · 12/02/2016 22:25

I used to be so strong and independent why am I not now? I'm young, late 20s married just over a year. I can't look my H in the eyes, he's done many things, including talking to other women and deleting fb messages, then I decided to open a Twitter account and I followed him to find out 95% of his people he followed were females, exes etc. he watches porn whenever I'm not there. I found him browsing sex sites to buy prostitutes in our town. But he's so nice. He's such a nice man and father, am I just thinking too much?

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 10:21

I've had a terrible weekend, if trust is gone it won't come back will it? I don't want to try for nothing and waste time.

OP posts:
Pipbin · 14/02/2016 10:28

I literally have no one I rely on him for childcare while at work too!

Does he work?
I see how you are stuck. If you tell him to clear off then you can't work, can't pay the bills etc.
It's very easy sitting here to say that he isn't nice but the reality is different.

Can you look into child care for the DC? Is there another mum who could do pick up and drop of in the short term?

Cabrinha · 14/02/2016 10:31

HE SLEEPS WITH PROSTITUTES

He really does.
Private me time? Confused
You're not stupid love, that's why you're posting.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 10:40

He works a lot as do I and we work around each other for childcare, my DC doesn't go to school so no pick up etc I don't know anyone anyways. I've tried childcare but I work late. I don't think he sleeps with prostitutes? I don't think he's cheated but looks bad ?

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 14/02/2016 11:07

You are in denial. He is looking for prostitutes in your town!!

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 11:30

But it could be possible he was just looking and imagining?

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 14/02/2016 11:37

possible but highly unlikely

Cabrinha · 14/02/2016 11:41

Of course he's sleeping with prostitutes.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 13:52

You're right he must of done it, I feel so foolish to have stayed but now I don't know what to do :( I feel so alone!

OP posts:
Marchate · 14/02/2016 14:04

Find your inner strength, then take care to keep it alive! You know you have it, and you'll need it

You are not alone. We're with you

mumsonthelash · 14/02/2016 14:12

You must be so shocked I know because it happened to me. I would not wish this horrific discovery on anyone. I would leave him as soon as you can otherwise it will damage your mental health. Because he doesn't care. He would rather lie and make your life a misery.
The niceness is called overcompensating to cover his seedy other life. He feels entitled to behave like this. Twat.

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 17:15

Do you think this could of been a 1 off as its only happened once I've never seen it again? What happened to you mumsonthelash??? Thank you marchate x

OP posts:
Sweetandsour93 · 14/02/2016 17:52

Walk away - you deserve so much more! He is showing no respect for you or for the family unit but being so deceitful. You are young, don't waste your life with someone like this. If he truly loved you, he would not be doing those things.

Cabrinha · 14/02/2016 17:53

Well yeah, it could be a one off. You may have caught him the one and only time (likely, much?)
But - once is once too many.
My XH was a prostitute user. There are a lot of them out there - or you wouldn't see so many sex workers available.
He also tried the "I was just looking" which I tried hard to believe for a long time (had a baby blah blah blah).
When I dumped him and he said (lying again) that he was only looking I said "and that is reason enough to dump you".
it is also no fun to have a boyfriend who 'only looks' at prostitutes

Marchate · 14/02/2016 17:57

Even if it were a one off, he'd soon be doing something else that's disrespectful to you as a person

Look at the first sentence you wrote on this thread. You are still that person. You have been crushed. Time to get back to normal!

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 18:02

Thank you everyone, I've sat knowing this and feeling this way for a good long time now I thought it would get easier but it never has. I don't understand why he has to even look at this when he has a wife and family at home, it's not like I ever deny him sex etc. I feel so so betrayed I just don't know what I will do alone

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 18:22

I feel like I'm just rambling but I have no one to talk to no one knows about this, I feel in a way that I just wish I never knew this and it would be ok but I'm constantly thinking what's he up to what's he looking at on his phone, I panic when I'm at work. But if he wasn't here I would literally have no one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 20:00

How do others manage a job and kids with no help? I'm very worried that I'm trapped here

OP posts:
bb888 · 14/02/2016 20:12

Can you get some advice about your legal situation, so that you can be informed about that side of things going forward. Maybe a benefits calculator also to see what your entitlements would be there?

bb888 · 14/02/2016 20:13

Is there anything you could do with regards to meeting some new people and making friends? Maybe you would feel stronger if you weren't feeling so isolated?

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 20:17

I know I can get various benefits etc but I can't get childcare for the hours I work. I don't know how I would meet new people I really don't have much free time to do anything?...

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 20:22

I really don't want to live my life with someone who makes me feel second best. Someone who likes to sexually look at others and not me. This isn't on. I honestly don't want this

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 14/02/2016 21:25

Of course you don't lovey Sad
Why would you be on your own with the kids? Why can't he continue to have them when you split?

Original poster
Janeyat867 · 14/02/2016 21:30

Hi I posted another about leaving but i will reply, he works long long hours he looks after them for short periods, his family live very far so couldn't just pop down and look after for a few hours etc. also dc1 is from previous so I'm confused as to when I wouldn't have them or would if you get me?

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 14/02/2016 21:56

Hi Janey, is English not your 1st language? I don´t believe you´ve mentioned your family....do you have family and friends for support in real life?

You´ve mentioned several times that you have no-one, that´s all. How come you are so isolated with no support network? Correct me if I´m wrong please....

What your OH is doing would be a dealbreaker for most self-respecting women. He is lying and deceitful. He is showing you with his actions that he has no respect for you. He also sounds very sneaky and manipulative.

He´s playing you for a fool and I don´t think this bodes well for an ultimately happy relationship over the long-term. I´d be making plans to get out.