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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wanting to run away from a new relationship

63 replies

bodenbiscuit · 12/02/2016 14:33

I've been seeing someone new and it has been going really well. When I'm with him we have a great time and he is respectful, kind and I like him a lot.

But when I'm on my own I feel I need to run away from the situation. I don't understand what is bothering me. I think I fear committing myself because I know things can go wrong and we both have children.

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Original poster

bodenbiscuit · 12/02/2016 14:33

Does this mean I'm commitment phobic?

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category12 · 12/02/2016 14:36

It might. Or you might not be ready for something right now. Or maybe he's not right for you.

Probably if you want to run away, you should.

Bananalanacake · 12/02/2016 14:45

Take it slowly, see him once or twice a week, keep your own interests, don't always be available and don't move in with him before 5 years.

TheNaze73 · 12/02/2016 14:55

bananalanacake, that is absolutely bang on the money. Don't rush in when there's no need to

Original poster

bodenbiscuit · 12/02/2016 15:12

He has been quite full on with me which I don't like. But if I tell him, he does back off. The problem is that he seems to be afraid of being cheated on or for me to lose interest in him. I think he had quite a traumatic break up with his ex wife because they moved abroad to his home country and then she decided she didn't like it so she refused to go back and they split up. But this was 4 years ago.

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Original poster

bodenbiscuit · 12/02/2016 15:13

I've been seeing him for about a month. It usually takes me about 4 months at least before telling someone I love them and he's already said it to me but we haven't even had sex yet.

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/02/2016 15:22

I think that's a bit fast biscuit.

HotNatured · 12/02/2016 15:30

It sounds as if he has emotional issues that he should deal with before bringing those issues into a new relationship. You shouldn't have to deal w/ his insecurities, especially not at this early stage. Everything should be light hearted and moving at a healthy pace a month in.

I would hazard a guess that you're 'just not that into him' and move on.

Incidentally I have just met someone, and like you it's been a month. I think he's the best thing since slice bread and if I wasn't a sensible person, would be with him all the time. We both have strong feelings, some things you can't hide, but I know both of us are too careful to be dropping the L bomb yet. I think he is projecting his insecurities onto you, telling you he loves you this early on. After the emotional turmoil you say he has been through and not yet dealt with, love declarations a month in are a huge red flag.

Original poster

bodenbiscuit · 12/02/2016 15:36

The thing is that I am into him, at least I was - in fact it was me who contacted him first. I met him years ago and we got on well then but I was with someone else. I like him physically and as a person but can something like I've described negate that and make you not into them?

What is bothering me is that he seems to want me to guarantee that I'm going to stay with him and I feel as though he is pinning all his hopes on me without even knowing me well, yet. He also won't let me pay for anything.

He said that with his ex wife, everything went too fast and he kept on buying her things and running around her. Well now he is doing the same thing to me!

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pocketsaviour · 12/02/2016 15:40

I don't think you're committment phobic. I think your instincts are telling you that he's moving too fast, and you need to put the brakes on.

HotNatured · 12/02/2016 15:51

Well you were into him... and now you're not. Happens all the time. I've been 'into' guys before, as soon as I spot a red flag, my instincts, self preservation and healthy self esteem make me not 'into' them. He sounds extremely needy and you sound suffocated by this. Understandably so. I would find that behaviour incredibly unattractive.

RedMapleLeaf · 12/02/2016 15:52

Handling his vulnerability is his responsibility. His happiness is also his responsibility.

I think you should be clear, to yourself, what your expectations are. Seeing him twice a week, not saying "I love you" etc all sound very reasonable to me.

It might also be worth you reading up on Future Faking and Fast Forwarding (possibly from the Baggage Reclaim site??)

Hassled · 12/02/2016 15:54

Just talk to him about how you feel. Say what you've said here - that you like him a lot, you enjoy spending time with him, but it all feels a bit much too soon and can you take things a bit slower? If he has a problem with that then he's probably not worth the angst.

Sallyingforth · 12/02/2016 15:57

You have both had previous relationships that have ended. I think you should be taking this one slowly and cautiously. No commitment until you've known him much, much longer.

blindsider · 12/02/2016 15:59

don't move in with him before 5 years.

what sort of bullshit one size fits all solution is this??

LeaLeander · 12/02/2016 16:03

If he's this desperate and insecure when you have just started dating, imagine how he'd be a few years in? This sort of unhealthy obsession with a relationship turns into monitoring your phone calls, making you account for your time, critiquing what you wear, etc. Particularly so if his home country is a culture in which women are expected to be subservient to men.

I'd run for the hills.

meiisme · 12/02/2016 16:04

His anxiety is not your responsibility. I once had a ONS turn into a two-year relationship because he said he had been messed about by his previous girlfriends and would feel really bad if this turned out to be something not serious again. Obviously it was much more painful to break up two years later than it would have been if I had held off commitment until I knew I actually wanted to be with him.

Cabrinha · 12/02/2016 16:09

Someone who won't let you pay is very disrespectful. I'd drop him for that shit alone. I had a first date with a guy who slipped off and paid our dinner bill secretly despite me clearly saying twice that we would split it. I figure, if what they want is more important than your wishes this early on, when is it ever going to get better?

He sounds like hard work.

Original poster

bodenbiscuit · 12/02/2016 19:24

I'm not quite sure what to make of it. In the past I have tended to get into abusive relationships. So this time I tried to go for someone different. At first he seemed quite laid back.

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Guiltypleasures001 · 12/02/2016 19:32

Your instincts are working perfectly op it's part of trying not to repeat an abusive relationship.
It maybe that he's not your classic obvious abuser, it sounds like he has unsolved emotional problems, and he's placing far too much on just 4 weeks of dating.

I think your instincts are telling you toward away. These types of personality can be hard to shake once they have their hooks in you. Your not responsible for his future happiness, he wants you to be it seems.

Original poster

bodenbiscuit · 12/02/2016 20:02

He said to me after the first date 'are we going somewhere?'

I am afraid that he wants a replacement to focus on after his wife left.

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Guiltypleasures001 · 12/02/2016 21:01

Op I think you know this is not right for you, it's ok to acknowledge this and even more ok to act on it
People get in to bad situations because they dont have the confidence to trust themselves, I think your doing just fine, trust what I feel.

Guiltypleasures001 · 12/02/2016 21:01

Oops you feel

Allalonenow · 12/02/2016 21:23

One of the often mentioned "Red Flags" here is that the new man moves much too fast, and that it is the first step in his begining controlling you.

It sounds as though this is what he is doing, and that is why you are so uneasy, listen to your gut feelings about him.

You mention that you have been in an abusive relationship before, so it's good that you are aware and careful, as unfortunately abusive men can home in on the more gentle type of woman.

I'd cool it with this man if I were you, his reaction will tell you a lot about him, and how he views you. Don't let yourself be pressured into staying with him.

Original poster

bodenbiscuit · 13/02/2016 08:35

Thank you for your responses. I think that because I have AS I sometimes feel out of control within a relationship dynamic.

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