Wanting to run away from a new relationship

[bodenbiscuit]

I've been seeing someone new and it has been going really well. When I'm with him we have a great time and he is respectful, kind and I like him a lot.

But when I'm on my own I feel I need to run away from the situation. I don't understand what is bothering me. I think I fear committing myself because I know things can go wrong and we both have children.

[bodenbiscuit]

I mentioned to him that I'm going on holiday this year and he said how about he comes as well. I said well we can't be sure we'll still be together as its a new relationship. And he said I need to be positive. I told him that you can't guarantee a relationship at this stage. Nobody can. And you can't even after 30 years either actually...

[bodenbiscuit]

Ok, sorry to keep on about this. I told him that I feel he needs to work on his insecurities about being left as he has sent more messages about me getting bored with him and will I tell him immediately if it's over....

I have issues of my own and I've suggested we should work these out before we can have a decent relationship. Also he's been separated 4 years but isn't even divorced which doesn't feel quite right for me.

[Lweji]

Maybe you "tended to go for abusive relationships" because you doubted yourself when having doubts.

As you are doing now.

Abusers come in different shapes and his insecurities could mean he's just a different type of abuser than you're used to.

In this case, he doesn't have to show signs of abuse. If you're not happy, you can move on.

[Allofaflumble]

Boden you sound so like me. I have AS too and quite frankly nothing ever goes smoothly in my relationships.

One thing I do know is that the little voice and uncomfortable feeling is there for a good reason. I have ignored it so many times due to my AS not being able to read situations. He sounds very full on!

[Allofaflumble]

Also dating a "separated" man is a potential head f*ck in itself.

[bodenbiscuit]

Yes I get what you are saying. Certainly one abuser can look much more overt than another. Allofaflumble - thank you for posting - I'm glad I'm not the only one with this problem. Because sometimes I feel like an alien. The problem is that I often don't properly understand my own feelings and I think that has to do with the AS.

I'm divorced but he isn't. He's clearly still very bitter about his wife leaving him and he hasn't dealt with it. Even though it was 4 years ago. He says things like 'I've got you now' as if I'm somehow a solution to his feelings about his broken marriage. I think that to see it that way is unhealthy and makes me uncomfortable. He also keeps texting me to say he hopes I'm not getting bored of him. I think it's not fair that he's putting his issues on me. I've been left too - I was left alone and pregnant by a man who refused to ever speak to me again but I got counselling and I dealt with it. I don't keep asking people if they are going to leave me.

[Allofaflumble]

Ditto on the pregnancy thing too. Also I Dont know about you but I think because we want to fit in and be "normal" we can overlook stuff which other people would run away from.

It really does sound way too much for you to be coping with. Maybe have a really frank conversation and lay your cards on the table.

It sounds like he needs a lot if looking after and I Dont know about you but it would be good to have someone to lean on a bit for a change.

Good luck.

[bodenbiscuit]

Perhaps you are right about fitting in. I often feel that I am meddling through in any relationship. I never know whether my approach to it is right, or whether my concerns are reasonable. Thanks

[bodenbiscuit]

Muddling not meddling!

[Duckdeamon]

Bertie has spelled it out, and your later posts highlight additional big red flags.

Run for the hills!

This relationship is not a "disaster": you haven't been together long and have noticed the red flags and how you feel: your tosser radar is working! No need to waste any more time with him, or even see him again.

[Allofaflumble]

Duckdaemon has it right there. Dont be like me and ignore all the red flags and then years later, realise your instinct was trying to protect you all along.

[bodenbiscuit]

Thanks. I'm going to end it - it's not right for me at this time.

[Allofaflumble]

Well done. Hope you are feeling the freedom already.