Wanting to run away from a new relationship

[bodenbiscuit]

I've been seeing someone new and it has been going really well. When I'm with him we have a great time and he is respectful, kind and I like him a lot.

But when I'm on my own I feel I need to run away from the situation. I don't understand what is bothering me. I think I fear committing myself because I know things can go wrong and we both have children.

[Allofaflumble]

Well done. Hope you are feeling the freedom already.

[bodenbiscuit]

Thanks. I'm going to end it - it's not right for me at this time.

[Allofaflumble]

Duckdaemon has it right there. Dont be like me and ignore all the red flags and then years later, realise your instinct was trying to protect you all along.

[Duckdeamon]

Bertie has spelled it out, and your later posts highlight additional big red flags.

Run for the hills!

This relationship is not a "disaster": you haven't been together long and have noticed the red flags and how you feel: your tosser radar is working! No need to waste any more time with him, or even see him again.

[bodenbiscuit]

Muddling not meddling!

[bodenbiscuit]

Perhaps you are right about fitting in. I often feel that I am meddling through in any relationship. I never know whether my approach to it is right, or whether my concerns are reasonable. Thanks

[Allofaflumble]

Ditto on the pregnancy thing too. Also I Dont know about you but I think because we want to fit in and be "normal" we can overlook stuff which other people would run away from.

It really does sound way too much for you to be coping with. Maybe have a really frank conversation and lay your cards on the table.

It sounds like he needs a lot if looking after and I Dont know about you but it would be good to have someone to lean on a bit for a change.

Good luck.

[bodenbiscuit]

Yes I get what you are saying. Certainly one abuser can look much more overt than another. Allofaflumble - thank you for posting - I'm glad I'm not the only one with this problem. Because sometimes I feel like an alien. The problem is that I often don't properly understand my own feelings and I think that has to do with the AS.

I'm divorced but he isn't. He's clearly still very bitter about his wife leaving him and he hasn't dealt with it. Even though it was 4 years ago. He says things like 'I've got you now' as if I'm somehow a solution to his feelings about his broken marriage. I think that to see it that way is unhealthy and makes me uncomfortable. He also keeps texting me to say he hopes I'm not getting bored of him. I think it's not fair that he's putting his issues on me. I've been left too - I was left alone and pregnant by a man who refused to ever speak to me again but I got counselling and I dealt with it. I don't keep asking people if they are going to leave me.

[Allofaflumble]

Also dating a "separated" man is a potential head f*ck in itself.

[Allofaflumble]

Boden you sound so like me. I have AS too and quite frankly nothing ever goes smoothly in my relationships.

One thing I do know is that the little voice and uncomfortable feeling is there for a good reason. I have ignored it so many times due to my AS not being able to read situations. He sounds very full on!

[Lweji]

Maybe you "tended to go for abusive relationships" because you doubted yourself when having doubts.

As you are doing now.

Abusers come in different shapes and his insecurities could mean he's just a different type of abuser than you're used to.

In this case, he doesn't have to show signs of abuse. If you're not happy, you can move on.

[bodenbiscuit]

Ok, sorry to keep on about this. I told him that I feel he needs to work on his insecurities about being left as he has sent more messages about me getting bored with him and will I tell him immediately if it's over....

I have issues of my own and I've suggested we should work these out before we can have a decent relationship. Also he's been separated 4 years but isn't even divorced which doesn't feel quite right for me.

[bodenbiscuit]

I mentioned to him that I'm going on holiday this year and he said how about he comes as well. I said well we can't be sure we'll still be together as its a new relationship. And he said I need to be positive. I told him that you can't guarantee a relationship at this stage. Nobody can. And you can't even after 30 years either actually...

[bodenbiscuit]

BertieBotts, thank you for taking the time to write that for me.

[BertieBotts]

Oh good catch Aussiemum! I'll add that one - the highest Red factor there is that he could be using it as a store of credit, you owe me kind of thing. The medium red is that he has old fashioned views and expects men and women to stay in certain roles. Probably not something you want.

The benign explanation of that of course is that he thinks it's a nice thing to do to offer to pay. But, again, context, big picture.

[BertieBotts]

No not all men who move fast are abusive.

But there are multiple red flags here. Remember that a red flag in itself isn't a guarantee that this is an abusive person, it's just a warning sign that they might be. It's about looking at the pattern as a whole and not just taking each red flag at face value. For example I'll show you the ones you've mentioned. (Sorry, this ended up really really long!)

You feel an urge to run away

Red potential: It's a genuine, instinctive response because something isn't quite right in the relationship that you can't put your finger on.

Benign potential: You have unfounded fears based on previous experience.

He's full on/moving the relationship too fast

Red potential: Abusers tend to be insecure and they want to rush you through in a whirlwind because they are worried you will see the real them and run away or because they are quite emotionally immature themselves and live relationships out like a teenager, or because it's been successful to them in the past - charming you off your feet, putting them in control.

Benign potential: He's just excited/perhaps a little immature, but not in a dangerous way, he's feeling swept up in everything and getting carried away.

He's quite clearly anxious about losing you/you cheating

Red potential: This is a big one, TBH. Abuse is motivated by the "need" to control another person. (I put need into quotes because nobody needs to control anybody else, but sometimes we think that we do.) One cause could be difficulty trusting. The fact that he's made it clear already that he's anxious about you cheating or the fact that you could choose to walk away at any moment is concerning, especially so the more often or the more strongly he expresses it because it means that he's not comfortable with the fact you're an independent person who can choose to act outside of ways that he's in control of. The problem is that relationships aren't a game of master and puppet, and to have a relationship he needs to accept that you're a separate person from him and you might well choose to cheat or leave. Cheating is, of course, a horrible thing to do to someone in any case but him being SO anxious about you leaving, after a month (or earlier) is less of a red flag and more of a wailing beacon that he's got some issues which he needs to seriously work on before getting into a relationship. It's extremely likely that he's either going to turn out to be an abuser or that he's just going to drive you crazy with his insecurity and general downward spiral on everything.

Benign potential: If I've misunderstood and he's not coming across so strongly with this and you're making assumptions, then it could be that somebody in this situation feels insecure but is actually fairly in control of their own feelings and although they are anxious about it they are keeping it in check and won't let it affect the relationship.

Note: I want to make it clear, though, that it's not normal or healthy for somebody to be expressing worry about a new partner leaving them after a very short time together. That is a massive sign that they are seeing relationships as more like something where you "catch" a person (to use a metaphor, a fish, a pokemon) and you have to do/say all the right things to make them stay and if they stay then you've "won" and everything is fine, but that if you're unlucky or you do something wrong then they will escape again and you'll lose them. This is unhelpful, because how healthy relationships actually work is that two people express interest in each other and then they spend some time together to see whether they work as a couple and how they fit together. During this initial time one or both of them might realise that the fit isn't really right and they aren't a good match for each other and so the relationship will end, and while that can be hurtful and upsetting, especially if you felt like there was potential, it's not a personal judgement on you, it's just that that relationship wasn't right. In short, leaving is fairly expected during the early stages and shouldn't be a cause of so much anxiety. He also shouldn't be pushing you to say you'll definitely be with him because that's unrealistic and means that he's not accepting the early stages being kind of like a trial period.

You have a history of abusive relationships

Red potential: It means that you should be more alert to potential signs since you know there's a tendency that something about abusive relationships draws you in.

Benign potential: Obviously your history doesn't say anything about him personally.

Saying nothing nice about his ex

Red potential: He has a tendency to categorise women into good/bad which means he'll be likely to put you on some unattainable pedestal and then rage when you inevitably fall off it. He accepts no responsibility for what might have gone wrong in his previous relationship which means he's unlikely to take responsibility for anything which might go wrong with yours.

Benign potential: Maybe his ex really was that bad. Of course women can be abusive, too. It's possible that his account of things is accurate.

I think that for me the biggest red flag in your situation is this extreme anxiety over you leaving and cheating. It's not something he should be putting on you this early. But even without that, it's about looking at all of the flagged points as a pattern of behaviour. There's always a benign explanation for each red flag individually, but the more red flags you have, the more likely it is that they are linked and the red explanation is the correct one, not the benign one. Learning to join the dots is a useful skill in spotting abusive relationship dynamics.

[DistanceCall]

I don't know whether he's potentially abusive. He IS extremely clingy, though. That for me would be sufficient reason to dump him. He's smothering you.

[bodenbiscuit]

Hmm that's really sinister Aussiemum

[bodenbiscuit]

I can't see very much of him anyway because both of us are stretched with our commitments to children. He has one daughter and I have three daughters. And that's another thing - he asked me if I'd be willing to have any more!! I don't want any more children at all - I'm done! My kids were all born in my 20s and now the youngest is nearly 7 I have no desire at all to start all over again!

[Aussiemum78]

The not paying thing could be manipulative too.

You promised you wouldn't go off with another guy and I paid for everything. I'm a good guy, you are hurting me. You owe me.

[Aussiemum78]

Finish it. Texting you that crap is ridiculous. Saying he loves you is ridiculous. It's been 4 weeks!

He's guilting you into a relationship. Jealous already? Tell him you are busy for a few days and see how he reacts.

[bodenbiscuit]

Yeah, it's like he wants me to promise I'll stay with him. What self respecting person has that approach? I will have to speak to him and say that he's going to have to lighten up or its finished.

[Allalonenow]

The texts he is sending you are emotional blackmail...
trying to make you stay with him....
trying to make you responsible for his happiness...
trying to make you believe that you will feel bad if you leave him, because you will have made him unhappy.

Ask yourself if a nice, good, person would do that, especially to someone in a new relationship? Would a kind man want you to feel worried and unhappy about yourself and your own actions?

[Gabilan]

I think it's more of a problem that he's pressuring you to move faster than you're comfortable with. A month in I might have high hopes for a relationship but I certainly wouldn't be declaring love. You can't know someone that well after a month and it's entirely reasonable to want to go slower. If he can't respect that, you have a problem.

[MakeItRain]

I don't think all men who move quickly are abusive. But many abusive men move quickly at first.

I think his texts to you are a worry. Getting texts like that must make you feel uncomfortable.

Personally I would run! But an alternative would be to make it clear this is very early days, you want to take it slowly and you like his company but simply don't know where this is going yet. If he reacts badly to that then I would walk away.