I need to leave my EA DH but don't know how?

[Proseccofiend32]

Hi

I realise this may sound completely weak and pathetic but I am completely torn. I have been with dh for 6 years, he has always had a tendency to kick off and call me names and swear at me but I stupidly put up with it to the point where I married him and had dcs with him selfishly be because I loved him and was attracted to him and he has many lovely friends and lots of other ridiculous reasons. I already have 2 Dc from previous dh, I have basically been a terrible mother as dh has always been overly strict with them and I let him out of fear of rocking the boat. I'm ashamed of myself. Just one example of his terrible behaviour was on xmas eve, I disagreed with him about some ott punishment of my ds and he kicked off, I managed to keep things calm until dcs went to bed but he then snatched the loft ladder pole out of my hand called me many horrible names, (stupid fucking bitch, go fuck your self ) to the point where I was in tears that the kids would think Father Christmas hadn't been (all presents were in the loft) I begged and pleaded with him to let me get the presents for the kids sakes but he just kept shouting abuse at me and went to bed! I locked myself in the toilet and called my parents out of desperation who came over and I found the pole hidden under the sofa so dad helped me get 4 children's presents out of lift and play Santa! Next day (Xmss day) it was me trying to make up for the kids sakes and him still being grumpy and blaming me for disagreeing with him!
Sorry for long message just wanted to give some recent background I could really use some support to stop me from brushing it all under the carpet again as with all relationships it's not all bad.

Hi Prosecco, so sorry he is being so vile, showing his true colours.That is appalling behaviour in front of your poor dcs. Any sympathy you may have had should be long gone.

I understand your difficulties with your circumstances finding a house but if l were you, l would get a written reference from your current landlord complete with phone number, ( to verify it is genuine) confirming you are a good tenant and your dog causes no damage and that your rent has been paid on time, add proof of how you would pay your rent, bank statements of six months showing consistant income and outgoings, and also a workplace letter of reference.
Lastly personal references from anyone you know of professional standing who could vouch for your honesty and integrity.

Hand this to a few reputable letting agents and ask them to find you a landlord who will accept you (Hide any account and sort code from your statements)
Originals can be given later if needed.

I am a landlady and l would bend my rules, ( no pets etc) if someone did all the above to prove they would look after my property. It may be a bit of faff but WILL hugely increase your chances of getting a home fast.

His behavior will not improve so please devote your time to your quick exit.....

Good luck

Thanks again everyone, I just feel completely exhausted. Stupidly been crying lots today, he called earlier and said he can see how it is affecting ds so can we stop being hostile. My mum went to visit her I'll sister today and thinks she has less than a week left she is obviously very upset so I can't add to her stress and go there. I'm back in my sons bunk bed for tonight. I can't believe how much of a cliché emotional roller coaster this is, one minute I'm feeling really strong, angry and determined and the next I am a sobbing quivering mess who just wants to pretend it isn't real.

Hi, have been thinking of you today. Sorry about your Aunt btw.

It's going to be an emotional roller coaster for a while unfortunately. Hopefully what happened today with your DS was a blessing, albeit a hard one for you, you didn't back down and he had to stay home and deal with how your son was feeling. Glad he has seen it but in a way may make it harder for you to see this through.

Remind yourself that without any major changes it will just revert to how it is now.

Do you think you will be able to communicate with him whilst he is away regarding the nitty gritty of who will move out?

Now that the wish has been spoken, the marriage terminated, is there any chance he might be able to cry off going away for the week? I don't think you should scrap ideas of escaping to your mother, though it's obviously a desperately awkward move.

Please contact WA and don't write off refuge as an emergency thing, though hopefully you can get him out soonish as he can't afford to stay alone. Have you told police DV team at all about any of this? I think EA - which he certainly is - comes into legal spheres now.

How are you doing today? Has he gone off for his week away?

Hi

He had gone into work for the morning them coming home and leaving at 3. I told him we were out for the day and he got angry saying he is only coming back to see the kids so I caved and said I will drop them off at 1 for 2 hours. He keeps saying that I am the abusive one as he thinks I'm controlling, this is because when we had a newborn baby I expected to to not go snowboarding with his mates, because I asked him to come home after work and help with the childcare/ dinner/ bedtime routine and then go to the gym rather than just go straight to the gym and not home home until dc bedtime and also because his friend is having a stag do in Benidorm this summer and he is telling me we can't have a family holiday due to finances but he expects to go on the stag do, I told him I didn't mind if he went as long as we get a holiday together too, apparently this is controlling? All my friends and family know he does what he likes when he likes, he spends most of his spare time in his garage not with his kids! Anyway he asked me if I think he is abusive why have I not called the police? I said I didn't want to get nasty and get him in trouble, hoping to be amicable but he said he wants me to tell the police so he can tell them how controlling I am!! I don't know what to do, he is certainly making me feel more justified in leaving though.

Classic, indeed a pathetic cliché. Abusers always accuse their victims of abusing.

@preemptive explained it perfectly.

Perhaps he should call the police about his wife abusing him by expecting him to help with the kids and not allowing him to go on holiday alone! He would be laughed out of the police station, however, with what you have described you wouldn't.

Dont feel you need to justify yourself, hold your head up high.

Ive now had all the threats of closing bank accounts (they are all in his name apart from my personal one) so the rent won't get paid in 2 days and all the money I have paid into it will be gone. I have just dropped the kids off to him and I could tell he had been crying, he says I'm taking his kids away from him. I know I'm not but I can't help feeling bad for him and the kids, why oh why can he not just have some epiphany and see the error of his ways, get help and live happily ever after? If feels so unfair.

What of your money gets paid in? Make sure nothing else from you gets paid into it.

He can try not to pay the rent but it's in his name as well so is liable. Your name is on the lease right?

Try not to stress about those kind of threats he makes. To date he cannot see anything wrong with his actions, he has not addressed anything in the past so he is unlikely to do so now.

IMO and it is only my opinion if there is any chance that he will take a good long hard look at himself it will only happen with a separation, once he actually realises that you would rather be on your own than to continue living like this.

Hi Prosecco...

So very sorry its so difficult but you are doing great. Please take the advice to call WA and get help that way, what are your moving / living plans?

Please stop feeling bad for him, he has caused this breakdown of the marriage and its a waste of your energy, channel that energy into being smart about arrangements, finances etc.

Said with love and much respect, stop crying, find your cojones and start fighting hard for your future, your kids are innocent parties to all the stress and you owe it to them to be calm, strong and get them away asap.

There is lots of great help and advice on here, so please spend every moment making your exit plan, securing finances and carrying out what you have to to make it work, expect the worst from him and it will not throw you.

x

Btw, did he want to see all the children? How are your elder two coping with the upset?

No Iamdobby just the younger two. My elder two don't know what's going on, the came back this morning from being with their dad for the weekend. He mentioned that I owe him money for all our stuff as he wont be moving to a big house to use any of it, I'm hoping that means he is leaving. I don't want to ask him too much. I pay money into the account every month my money gets paid straight into my own account and yes my name is on the lease too.
Thanks again for keeping me sane everyone

I take it he has gone away now, hopefully this will give you a few days to gather your thoughts in peace.

Don't forget as a married couple you have already paid half for the furniture!

Crying? What an actor! Did you check his pocket for an onion?!

Yes he has gone! 🙌 I have a rl friend here this evening for prosecco (it's not just a user name) and Chinese! I called tax credits and housing benefit today and made claims so will hopefully get somewhere with that too. I know this sense of relief will wear off and I will be a blubbering wreck again but I'm enjoying it for now.

Good for you, have a great evening. Can I come, I will bring chocolate?

You are very welcome dobby, you have been a great protector of my sanity, the chocolate is on me 🍫

Awww, I hope you had a relaxing girly evening. Take some time to just chill then start thinking if there is anything else you need to do whilst he is away.