I need to leave my EA DH but don't know how?

[Proseccofiend32]

Hi

I realise this may sound completely weak and pathetic but I am completely torn. I have been with dh for 6 years, he has always had a tendency to kick off and call me names and swear at me but I stupidly put up with it to the point where I married him and had dcs with him selfishly be because I loved him and was attracted to him and he has many lovely friends and lots of other ridiculous reasons. I already have 2 Dc from previous dh, I have basically been a terrible mother as dh has always been overly strict with them and I let him out of fear of rocking the boat. I'm ashamed of myself. Just one example of his terrible behaviour was on xmas eve, I disagreed with him about some ott punishment of my ds and he kicked off, I managed to keep things calm until dcs went to bed but he then snatched the loft ladder pole out of my hand called me many horrible names, (stupid fucking bitch, go fuck your self ) to the point where I was in tears that the kids would think Father Christmas hadn't been (all presents were in the loft) I begged and pleaded with him to let me get the presents for the kids sakes but he just kept shouting abuse at me and went to bed! I locked myself in the toilet and called my parents out of desperation who came over and I found the pole hidden under the sofa so dad helped me get 4 children's presents out of lift and play Santa! Next day (Xmss day) it was me trying to make up for the kids sakes and him still being grumpy and blaming me for disagreeing with him!
Sorry for long message just wanted to give some recent background I could really use some support to stop me from brushing it all under the carpet again as with all relationships it's not all bad.

Ridemesideways in answer to your magic wand question I would me 6 months down the line, he would have left and the dust would have settled, shame I don't have a wand though 😩 I ordered the Lundy Bancroft book yesterday so should be here today. Dh has been stomping around in a grump since yesterday when out just turned 3 year old was tired and trying to fall asleep on sofa before school run he had pinched one of his baby sisters dummies (he only has his at night in his bed) and I had allowed it as he really was tired but dh came in and took it out of his mouth and made him cry. He came to me asking for his dummy and I explained that daddy said no so DH kicked off raising his voice for me making him the bad guy and I should of showed a united front, I said I didn't agree as he was going to sleep not walking around or playing with the dummy but he just started loosing his temper, said he will go against everything I say to the kids then "if that's how I want it" and stormed out! Was I being unreasonable? Opinions please?

Contact Womens Aid.
Contact CAB
Contact CMS
Get an exit plan together (WA can help you with this)
As it's a rolling month contract you can get out pretty quickly.
Your poor kids, they don't deserve this and neither do you.
Get your plan sorted and then get away from the nasty bastard.

DH kicked off raising his voice for me making him the bad guy... he just started loosing his temper, said he will go against everything I say to the kids then "if that's how I want it" and stormed out!"

Unacceptable, pathetic, immature behaviour.

You need to contact your local council as they take this thing very seriously and you may be offered accommodation.

It makes me so sad to read how this man has been abusive towards your children.

I hate to think of these innocent children witnessing and being subject to emotional abuse.

The consequences of this will only be apparent when they are older and they embark upon relationships of their own.

Please help them.......

Yes of course this man will meet somebody else but you should feel sorry for her if anything.

Please google the effects of abuse on children

Good luck

Look you are very fortunate that you already recognise that this living situation will, if not now then later, be having a negative impact on your children.

How old are your children from your previous relationship?

You not only need to protect your children but you also have to realise that you deserve so much better.

Although it's a big upheaval it might be easier if you left with the children and found somewhere new rather than the possible battle to get him to leave.

And so what if he meets someone and appears happy to begin with, trust me, it's only a matter of time...... And the other side is that you may just meet someone wonderful yourself!

Thanks everyone, I've looked and can't find anywhere suitable in budget to rent. My dd1 is 9 and my ds1 is 7. Dh has just been home for lunch acting like nothing has happened as usual! I have looked into finances and I will be financially better off single, we don't share money (his decision) using my part time wages, child tax credit and child benefit and child maintenance from my ex dh I pay half of all the rent and bills as well as doing most of the household shop and running my own car including tax mot insurance servicing etc! He has managed to save £11000 in the time we have been together but I haven't saved anything as I don't get enoughs money to save each month. I know it seems really unfair as I'm the one looking after the children and buying all their clothes etc but hey another big red flag I chose to ignore!
I'm going to try women's aid now .....

Good on you that you recognise the financial abuse as well! Well done.

Does anyone know if a photograph of his payslips will help me as I don't have a photocopier? Also what else do I need to get my "ducks in a row?" Thank you all so much, you really are being a big help to clear the fog in my head X

Get photo's or copies or anything you can get your hands on.
Payslips, bank accounts, savings accounts, pension statements, credit card statements, phone bills.
Get all your documents out of the house to somewhere safe.
Passports, birth certs, marriage cert. meaningful photos, driving license, insurance paperwork, house deeds, mortgage information.
Better to have too much than too little.
I'm glad you are thinking of making an exit plan.
I hope you do manage to get away.

When you are ready, if you think for 1 minute that he might turn nasty then call the police before hand and get it all logged. They can put you on a priority list so if you dial 999 they can get to you fast.
When you are ready try to have someone with you when you leave. A big burly man would be preferable but any support would be good.

I sorted out some paperwork this afternoon and took it to my mums house, I explained to her that I was going to end our marriage which is something I have spoken to her about before, I told her how bad things have been and she said "but what about the kids, are you not worried about breaking their family up? And I know he can be horrible but he will be heart broken beachside he does love you" WTF!! I really wasn't expecting this, I thought she would completely agree with me! Am I over reacting? Maybe I should just accept this is how he is? I'm so confused now and don't know what to do

*because not beachside

This is the same parent who had to come over at so the children could have a Christmas? Wow, I'm sorry.

You are absolutely not over reacting and you are doing this not only for yourself but your children as well.

If this was my daughter I would be round there helping her pack!

I know that's why I was so surprised, maybe she doesn't want the shame of a twice divorced single mum of 4 by 2 different dads for a daughter. This really is hard. Thanks for your support X

Sometimes parents will brush things under the carpet because they think it's easier to stay than struggle as a single parent. Maybe that's it. I would be interested to know how she has come up with 'he does love you'.

I kinda said it earlier but I want you to know that my child has some now adult mental health issues and I do believe a lot of it comes from me not putting my foot down and 'keeping the peace' - I wish I could change the past but I can't.

Oh gosh iamdobby63, I'm so sorry to hear that but so glad you told me. I know I'm doing the right thing just wish my family would be more supportive. My sister thinks I'm mad as her husband left her for his OW 3 years ago and she has had a string of bad relationships since, she is now on her own but pining for a verbally abusive twat who doesn't want her. She tells me that she would rather receive a clip round the ear than be lonely all the time. I realise she needs some help as she is in a really bad place but she insists i will regret leaving him.

Bollocks and nonsense.

All that is important is that you feel it's the right thing to do, doesnt matter what anyone else says. Perhaps your sister has been moaning to your mum so your mum thinks you would do the same.

Yes even children seeing their mum walking on egg shells can make them internalise issues and become anxious adults.

I was interested to see that from the little that has been said here that he is as harsh on his natural children as he is on his step children. Is that the case?

You and your children are worth so much more.

He is harsh on his own children yes but not as harsh, he seems harshest on my ds1, he can be quiet trying (he doesn't listen) typical 7 year old boy I suppose but when DS1 was the same age DS2 is now I remember dh being stricter with him. He was bought up with a very hard dad and his parents argued a lot. I'm so tired of it all and its even worse trying to pretend everything is normal until I find the right moment. Women's aid offered me a refuge, I think that is a bit extreme and too upsetting for the children, do you agree?

Re the refuge, I'm not living it so it's hard to say, but it is good that you have that on standby as an option if you need it.

What is your general plan? How will you approach this with him?

I don't know. This is what I am most scared of. I know he will twist it all around and make it all my fault, last time I asked him to leave he asked our 3 year old if he wanted daddy to go. I feel sick. He's going away on Monday til Friday so may tell him over the phone when I know he's 3 hours drive away. Any ideas?

I don't think that the offer of a refuge placement is extreme and I think your dc will enjoy being in a safe and warm environment with other dc where they won't be repressed or shouted at simply because they're children who are powerless to take on adult bullies and best them.

The adantage for you of being in a refuge is that you will have all the help you need to apply for benefits etc, begin the divorce process, obtain any necessary injuctions, and may be given priority for council/social housing. The latter means that you won't be subject to the vagaries of the private rental market with the ever present possibility of having to move at a few months' notice and this opportunity is not to be sniffed at.

However, it's unlikely that a refuge placement will be within commuting distance of your work but, as you will presumably wish to be permanently housed near your dm, it could that your employers will grant you leave of absence for the necessary time it will take before you're rehoused.

The alternative is that you stay put and make your h leave either voluntarily or by means of an emergency ex parte application for an occupation order and a non-molestation order if whatever solicitor you instruct considers this to be in your best interests and I suggest you get back to WA and discuss this possibility with a dv worker.

The good news is that with £11,000 in the bank your h is well-placed to move out and stay in a hotel or similar until he can find a property to rent. The bad news is that this necessary expenditure will reduce the sum you're entitled to claim from his savings as part of the division of marital assets.

I advocate for abused women to stay in their homes and for the removal of their abusers using legal force if necessary, but I would advise you to take the quickest route to being able to assure your dc from your earlier relationship that their tormentor has gone from their lives and they will NEVER have to see him again.

I hate to say it but I don't think anything you say will make him leave, he just won't go. Hope I'm wrong.

From what you have said it doesn't surprise me he would use a child to force you to shut up and put up.

Probably good to tell him while he is away, think you will have an anxious week though.

You have the refuge if you need it and I'm sure someone from there can help you find another property if needs be. I know it's hard to find something in your price range but anything is better than living like this. Mentally prepare yourself that it might mean you moving out with your children.

X post - well said Goddess, good advice there.