I need to leave my EA DH but don't know how?

[Proseccofiend32]

Hi

I realise this may sound completely weak and pathetic but I am completely torn. I have been with dh for 6 years, he has always had a tendency to kick off and call me names and swear at me but I stupidly put up with it to the point where I married him and had dcs with him selfishly be because I loved him and was attracted to him and he has many lovely friends and lots of other ridiculous reasons. I already have 2 Dc from previous dh, I have basically been a terrible mother as dh has always been overly strict with them and I let him out of fear of rocking the boat. I'm ashamed of myself. Just one example of his terrible behaviour was on xmas eve, I disagreed with him about some ott punishment of my ds and he kicked off, I managed to keep things calm until dcs went to bed but he then snatched the loft ladder pole out of my hand called me many horrible names, (stupid fucking bitch, go fuck your self ) to the point where I was in tears that the kids would think Father Christmas hadn't been (all presents were in the loft) I begged and pleaded with him to let me get the presents for the kids sakes but he just kept shouting abuse at me and went to bed! I locked myself in the toilet and called my parents out of desperation who came over and I found the pole hidden under the sofa so dad helped me get 4 children's presents out of lift and play Santa! Next day (Xmss day) it was me trying to make up for the kids sakes and him still being grumpy and blaming me for disagreeing with him!
Sorry for long message just wanted to give some recent background I could really use some support to stop me from brushing it all under the carpet again as with all relationships it's not all bad.

Thanks pop, I makes it harder when he's being nice, dd1 and ds1 have gone to their df for the wkend and ds2 and dd2 had a bad night so I didn't get much sleep, dh left me in bed until 9 this morning which he never does, I know it doesn't excuse his behaviour and I need to do it for all the dcs anyway but I will struggle without him. I think the little steps and being on here talking to you lovely strangers is helping most so thank you.

Prosecco, hope you are ok, you must feel emotionally wrung out today.

One thing you know is that it cannot continue the way it is and your expectations of a relationship within your family unit are not unreasonable.

I was thinking about when you tell him and I think you should preempt him involving the children by say 'this is between us as a married couple, do not think you can make me feel differently or shut me down by involving the children'. Or words to that effect. I think your difficulty will firstly be him taking you seriously, the only way that will happen is by you sticking by your decision regardless of what he throws at you. Don't doubt yourself.

Have you told him previously how unhappy you are and how he makes you feel? I know you have said about him leaving but did he say anything about why you feel that way?

Be confident that you have a solution in place, not ideal I know, but a solution nevertheless.

He came upstairs with the kids this morning whilst I was getting dressed, he came into our bedroom and I asked him if I could get dressed in private, he laughed and said why and I just responded that I always like to get dressed in private (which is true, I'm not very body confident) he just laid down on our bed and watched me so I took my clothes into my girls room and got dressed in there. When I came back to the room he asked why I was in a mood with him, I said I wasn't he asked me to lay down and give him a cuddle I said I didn't feel like it at the moment and then it all came out that I want him to leave. He didn't take it well, my son has a birthday party to go to today, he told him that daddy is going to take him because mummy doesn't want to be anywhere near daddy!! I took the kids and the dog for a walk and when I came back he insisted he was taking ds to the party so I said I would take dd out. I was just driving and he called and said so you want us to break up, I said yes he said we will sell all of our belongings (furniture and household) he said that I was blaming it all in n him and I think I'm perfect, I said no I'm not perfect but I'm not subjecting the Dc to his emotional or verbal abuse anymore. He argued that he hasn't done it for a month and a half, I said that it will happen again as it always does. He said I was psychologically abusive when I asked why he said "think about it, look it up if you don't know what it means" I told him that it was definitely over between us and he said "fine I will put it on Facebook!!) FACEBOOK!! What is he thinking?? Im starting to feel sorry for him, am I making a mistake?

I don't see any reason in his response to you that should make you feel sorry for him. This is just his way of bullying you.

Sorry but FB thing made me laugh a little, he is testing you to see how serious you are, think you were supposed to panic at that.

Even his actions this morning with you getting dressed shows that he has no regard for your feelings and despite how you feel about something he will continue to impose his will.

Yes the FB thing was pathetic, I don't think he is taking me seriously, he asked me where I was staying tonight and said he bets I'm going out, as usual he is acting like a teenager (he's 33). I suppose I feel sorry for him because I'm the reason he won't be living with his kids anymore, he's making me feel really guilty tbh, I just can't wait until Monday when he will be gone for the week.

Don't let him make you feel guilty. He should have (never too late) addressed his anger issues if living with his children was that important. He has worn you down to the point that he thinks you will never be able to leave. Shame he doesn't share the same concerns over your emotional well being as you do over his.

You will gain a lot of strength and confidence.

Ps. No, he is the reason he won't be living with his children.

I just wanted to say Prosecco that I really admire you; you clearly love your children, you are doing absolutely the right thing. Your H sounds like a really dreadful man, a bully, and totally lacking in self awareness.

I'm so impressed, because to be honest, and this isn't meant hurtfully, your OP didn't give me a picture of the strong minded, pro-active woman you so clearly are.

Keep going - your children will be so much better off, as will you, away from daily contact with this really quite horrible man.

Thanks buckingfrolicks that means a lot and no offence taken. He is horrible, not all the time but then they never are! He's done some horrible stuff in the past, locked me out numerous times when he's been drunk, made me go to lidl shopping when I was suffering with terrible morning sickness (I had to be sick in the car park), he even refused to help out when I had pneumonia. That's just the tip of the iceberg, it's not until you take a step back from the situation that you see it all as it really is, he's an arsehole.

As always so eloquently put by Goddessofsmallthings.

Good luck OP, don't underestimate the long term effects of abuse on children. Get out now.

Thanks qwertyy I intend too

*to not too, bloody phone!

Prosecco, well done for standing up to this man who bullies your precious dcs, not to mention you.
If you cave in because of his manipulation your dcs will never forget you let them down, they are old enough to remember whether you took a stand and said 'this is not acceptable behavior, we are separating'.

I cannot imagine how tough it is, but you will have a much brighter future ahead and can be happily single until you find a much nicer man!

Take the good advice on here from people who have been through similar and focus on the future you want for your dc, every time you waver.

Lastly remember you have a choice, but your dcs have to put up with this as they are reliant on you, excercise that choice and go.

Unmumsnetty hugs and good luck

So true Dragongirl, the children are counting on you Prosecco.

I think you are doing great. There's no love like the love of precious children (better than any man's love IMHO! some may disagree!)

You are right, tbh I don't think I want to go anywhere near a man for a very long time. I just can't believe I have been so weak, I never used to be like this. I think it all started (and sorry if I'm boring you now) when I got back together with my "first love" from when I was 16, we had always stated in touch and then when my first marriage was ending we got back together but what I didn't know was the he was verbally, emotionally, physically and financially abusive, I ended it when he strangled me and scared my neck for 6 months ish. I really do have terrible taste in men. Dh and I got together 1 week later.

Oh Prosecco that's horrible, you have had some bad luck in your relationships, but you are changing all that now. Some time just you and your dcs, living how YOU want to live and not walking on eggshells is what will make you feel strong again.

l have known several women who have left abusive men and found such happiness in just living without stress and enjoying life again.

How are things at home?

Well I am in my ds1 bed, didn't want to cause an argument by going into our bed, he has been upstairs since about 4pm sulking so I decided to leave him to it, at least I got top bunk😂. I'm not looking forward to the morning though, I took the kids to macdonalds for tea earlier and he came charging down the stairs asking where I thought I was taking them! It is not a nice atmosphere to be in, if he insists on coming back on Friday after his week away I will see about staying with my parents until he sees sense or until I find somewhere else, I really don't want to put the children through the whole refuge thing, they have been through enough

Prosecco, you are doing great, I know it's tough. It's important that you not share a bed with him so you are doing the right thing.

Sounds like you have a good back up plan, I know your Mum wasn't great when you told her but maybe it was just fear and worry. X

Have you looked on rightmove.com for any suitable flats to rent to see if there is anything in your budget on your own?

Also you could make use of the week whilst he is away by doing a budget for your single life and viewing accomodation. If you could afford somewhere where you want to live, you are halfway out of this situation.

Then you can give notice to your landlord, and do not tell your dh where you are going straight away, just say you are going to stay at parents/friends house.

Once you are securely in your new property you can let him know if you wish, but it stops him causing disruption during this process. By the time he knows you are serious about it being over you will be in a new home.

Of course this only works if you can afford somewhere, but if it were me I would be very willing to compromise on space/location to be free quickly.

Also whilst he is gone can you get together all important documents from birth certificates, insurances, financial paperwork, your and dcs pasports and give them to someone you trust. Make sure you have separate bank accounts, transfer your share of joint savings to your own bank account, and make sure he has no access to anything of yours, change passwords etc.

If you think he will kick off when you tel him you are giving notice to the landlord, could the dcs stay with grandparents for the night to avoid witnessing any unpleasant behavior? And could a friend be close by?

I know it must be daunting, but please use the week to plan your escape and keep focussed on your brighter future.

fingers crossed for you and your lovely dcs.

Yes I have been checking rightmove throughout the day for updates, there are a couple of houses on there but they won't accept me as I have 4 children a dog and I will be in receipt of housing benefit - not the ideal tenant! He can't afford the rent here on his own but I could as I will have my tiny wages, housing benefit, child tax and working tax credits and my cm from my exdh. I think I will struggle to get it from my dh so will have to wait for the Cms to decide. I've heard they take a cut of cm is that right?

There will be a house out there somewhere that will accept you, need to speak to the agents. It would make so much more sense for him to leave, I just don't know if he will go without a fight.

I'm a bit out of date with how the CSA works, I used them for my ex - they took it out of his wages, I don't remember them taking any of it - I'm pretty sure they didn't.

Hope you slept ok.

Advice please!!! He has kicked off this morning. I got up at 5.30 with the kids and took them downstairs to play and have breakfast. At 7.30 the dog was looking desperate so I took the kids upstairs so I could have a shower and get ready for the day and walk the dog etc. I quietly went into our room to get a towel and he was awake in bed, I didn't speak to him I grabbed a towel and quickly closed the door behind me. The kids were playing in the boys room quite noisily and when I came out of the shower I again quietly went into our room to get some clean clothes to take into another room to get ready, I was at my chest of drawers and he said "do you mind?" In a cross voice, I replied calmly "no I don't mind, I'm just getting some clothes" he started getting angry telling me to get out I said I was just quickly getting my things and I would leave him alone. He became really argumentative and shouting at me, accusing me of having an affair, by this time the kids were in our room too, I left the room and he said "shut the door" ds2 shut the door with him and dd2 inside so I went back and opened the door and called them to come with mummy, he then shouts at me that X had shut the door and to go away so I shut the door and left them in there. I went into my dd's room and shut the door, he came bursting in blocking the doorway accusing me of all sorts, I refused to talk to him and eventually he went downstairs. I took the opportunity to go into my room and pack a few things, I heard him coming so I went back into dd room, he stormed in and tried to snatch the bag but I wouldn't let go as it had my diary and my why does he do that book inside, he was there for a good 5 mins stood over me shouting that I was hiding something and had a boyfriend, I was crying and asking him to leave me alone, my 3 year old son was cuddling me. He eventually went downstairs after calling me names and called his mum, I didn't hear much of the conversation but he was discussing me. I packed the kids things for 1 night and went downstairs but ds2 was sat down n sofa with dh and didn't want to come out with me, I told him I was going to walk the dog and go out for the day, he asked "is daddy coming?" I said no daddy isn't feeling well and dh said "mummy's lying, mummy doesn't like daddy!" So I said bye then to ds2 and asked for a cuddle but he cuddled dh instead 😢 I have left with dd2 and the dog but I can't leave him there. Dh is leaving at 6.30 am, what should I do? Dh will not let me take ds until it suits him.

I'm sorry.

We knew he would use the children, he knows you won't leave without your son who seems very sensitive to people's feelings.

When he is away next week you can have more of a chat about what is happening and why, and lots of reassurances that it will be ok.

He shouts at you and bullies you in front of the children because he knows you won't argue back in front of them.

Quite funny how he thinks you having an affair must be the only reason you would leave him.

Unless you can get your son on his own I don't know the best way to advise for today, maybe just try avoiding DH. Don't be scared to call the police if you have to.

If he asks again and you feel OK to do so you can remind him why you don't want to be with him and tell him his reaction and actions this weekend are only confirming your decision.

I'm sorry to hear that Prosecco, it sounds terribly stressful and scary. Your DS is just responding to the manipulation of his dad, it doesn't mean anything negative about you.

Could you go back about 15 minutes before your H is due to leave the house, to collect your DS? That way you'll avoid more fireworks from your H?