Is this sexual abuse?

[AmIbeingAbused]

I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread so have started my own but it's due to reading the "Photographing me when Asleep" thread that this has concerned me.

My DH and I have been married 12 years, have one child.

I was molested by my grandfather from the age of 2 or 3 until about 10 so I have issues with sex. I can not bear to be kissed or touched intimately but can cope with sex if it's initiated by me and I'm in control. We have sex very rarely, probably once a year. DH knew this about me before we married.

My DH has a high sex drive and this situation is extremely frustrating for him.

We had to start sleeping in separate beds because he had begun touching me intimately when I was asleep. I would wake up but pretend to remain asleep as I was hoping he would stop and didn't want to believe it was happening. I can tell he's awake because of his breathing but when I've challenged him about it he's insisted he was asleep and can't remember doing anything.

He even did it again the other day when I'd gone to his bed for a cuddle as I felt ill.

I've told him to leave me if he can't cope with the lack of sex, that I will understand but I just do not like sex. It makes my flesh crawl. When he does this to me it reminds me of my grandfather and sickens me; it's like he becomes a different person.

He will also try to trick me into bed with him by tapping on the walls or mumbling to himself so I'll go and investigate. He has masturbated over my sleeping body before but stopped when I woke up.

I'm worried now, from the responses to the other thread, that this is abuse. I love my DH dearly and know he loves me and he is such a kind, gentle, lovely man.

Have I made him this way?

You're the boss

Actually no you're not. And I won't be bullied for my opinion.

I'm supportive of OP and the complexity of her situation and what you say matters not at all.

OP, so sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child.

I agree with others, it doesn't really matter if your husband is awake or (unlikely) asleep. The fact is that this relationship is subjecting you to pressures and to acts that you don't want. You have a right to be left alone.

That said, it also is true that for most people, sex and intimacy are a big part of marriage, not optional. It's OK if that is not the case for you and it sounds as if you were very up front with your husband before marriage. He may have thought he could live without it but now is finding that he craves it. I would think "having a cuddle" when it can almost never lead to sex would be very frustrating to live with for years on end.

And you are finding that these conflicting viewpoints are causing destructive things to happen. It might be worth asking whether you both really want to live like this for decades to come?

You can be platonic friends and co-parents without being married.

Can I just insert a word of caution from the other side as it were, it is entirely possible that he is asleep whist he does it, apparently according to my wife I thrust most of the night I apologised profusely when I was told this but she said she is used to it know and finds it endearing. I also wouldn't necessarily consider stroking your wife as abuse unless you have been asked not too, obviously masturbating over her is a different kettle of fish.

I expect to get flamed but I thought it was worth making the point, it seems to me a lot of MN's default position is LTB.

*used to it now

Oh lord. Another one.

"unless you have been asked not too" (sic)

Did you miss that bit then? The rather vital bit where the OP said she didn't want sex and told him not to molest her in her sleep?

Emma

sigh

I was talking about generally not just the OP (where it is obvious she had not consented)

If you want to have a general conversation, do it elsewhere.

The op is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and is now being abused by her partner. The last thing she needs is someone derailing her thread by talking "generally" and suggesting that some of what she is experiencing is not abuse.

Fair enough

I was actually pointing out that he could be telling the truth about being asleep.

I feel for your husband because it must be painful/frustrating to love someone who you can't ever be intimate with.

I feel even more for you because not only is your husband putting you in an awful position but you yourself will never know what an intimate relationship is like.

But most of all I hate your grandfather for abusing a defenseless child and starting a chain of unhappiness and mental distress. He's evil.

I think you both should have therapy and see if anything can be done to help you both have a mutually loving relationship.

Doesn't seem as if he's asleep, on the balance of probabilities.

Pawing at the victim of child sex abuse in their sleep is utterly dreadful behaviour.

I agree that it's sexual abuse. Your partner pretty much gets off on re-enacting what you went through, and then lies about it, making you feel crazy.

You're being abused OP. Please make your plans, sorry.

And btw, my partner and I only have sex once or twice a year as I don't fancy it... This does NOT turn him into an abusive, lying sex attacker.

It's not your fault

Therapy for your previous abuse may be an idea, but that is not your focus now. There is nothing wrong with someone choosing to remain largely asexual, whatever the reason, and everything wrong with his being a sick bastard.