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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this sexual abuse?

89 replies

AmIbeingAbused · 10/02/2016 10:59

I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread so have started my own but it's due to reading the "Photographing me when Asleep" thread that this has concerned me.

My DH and I have been married 12 years, have one child.

I was molested by my grandfather from the age of 2 or 3 until about 10 so I have issues with sex. I can not bear to be kissed or touched intimately but can cope with sex if it's initiated by me and I'm in control. We have sex very rarely, probably once a year. DH knew this about me before we married.

My DH has a high sex drive and this situation is extremely frustrating for him.

We had to start sleeping in separate beds because he had begun touching me intimately when I was asleep. I would wake up but pretend to remain asleep as I was hoping he would stop and didn't want to believe it was happening. I can tell he's awake because of his breathing but when I've challenged him about it he's insisted he was asleep and can't remember doing anything.

He even did it again the other day when I'd gone to his bed for a cuddle as I felt ill.

I've told him to leave me if he can't cope with the lack of sex, that I will understand but I just do not like sex. It makes my flesh crawl. When he does this to me it reminds me of my grandfather and sickens me; it's like he becomes a different person.

He will also try to trick me into bed with him by tapping on the walls or mumbling to himself so I'll go and investigate. He has masturbated over my sleeping body before but stopped when I woke up.

I'm worried now, from the responses to the other thread, that this is abuse. I love my DH dearly and know he loves me and he is such a kind, gentle, lovely man.

Have I made him this way?

OP posts:

david8341 · 10/02/2016 14:47

No you haven't made him this way.

He is in a relationship that a lot of men would struggle with (but he knew that from the start) but how he's dealing with it is 100% his choice.

Apparently I touch my wife up in my sleep occasionally. She knows absolutely if I'm asleep or awake. It's not even up for debate. Sounds like you're the same so don't be distracted by people talking about sleep therapy etc.

NameChange30 · 10/02/2016 15:01

extra
Sexsomnia may be a possibility but I think it's extremely unlikely. Firstly, sexual abuse is much more common than sexsomnia. Secondly, if he had sexsomnia and was genuinely not doing it on purpose, he would be mortified about it. He would feel guilty. Above all, he would seek professional help to deal with the problem and stop abusing his wife.

OP, if your instinct tells you that he's awake when he does it, please believe your instinct. Don't listen to him or anyone on this thread telling you otherwise.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 10/02/2016 15:03

So sorry for what happened to you, when you were a child.

It's hard to know whether your DH is abusing you, or whether he is indeed suffering from "Sexsomnia"? I do know, that in my past, during periods of little sex, I have dreamt about it more. Whereas when having regular sex, it rarely features in my dreams.

But that aside, unfortunately, you and your DH are not compatible. Nor are you ever likely to be. You hate sex. He wants sex. This elastic band has to eventually snap. I am surprised, that you went as far as to marry. Did your DH think that you would change? Was this massive issue discussed, or swept under the carpet?

I agree with PP, that you would be best matched with an Asexual man.

I guess the question is, whether you now have the strength to start making positive changes and leave your relationship?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 10/02/2016 15:05

Agree that abuse is more likely than sexsomnia. Also that he would seek help if that were the case (and wouldn't stop wanking when you woke up).

And dreaming about sex is not the same as sexsomnia.

Itisbetternow · 10/02/2016 15:53

You are being abused. It needs to stop. You need to end the marriage I'm afraid. it will be ok. Otherwise it will not stop. But I'm afraid you have to change the situation as your H isn't going to ( however much I hate saying this because in an ideal world he would see he was wrong but I don't think he ever will).

BertieBotts · 10/02/2016 16:01

I'm so sorry.

Yes, as others have said, what your husband has done is sexual assault and abuse. If he has ever used his penis while you are asleep it also meets the legal definition of rape.

This is totally wrong for anybody to do to anyone, but for someone with your history it is especially cruel. How dare he

You said yourself that you know he is awake when it happens, so please don't let him gaslight you into thinking you imagined that.

Have you ever had the opportunity to speak to somebody about your grandad's abuse? You can contact Rape Crisis at any time to speak to a confidential trained counsellor or find a sexual abuse counselling centre near you. It doesn't matter if you haven't experienced rape, they help all victims of sexual abuse.

Freephone 0808 802 9999
12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays

BertieBotts · 10/02/2016 16:05

I should add that if you did want to look at having therapy or counselling of this kind it absolutely wouldn't be to make you want more sex - it isn't like that. It's to help you process and deal with what has happened to you. You don't have to have sex - EVER AGAIN. If you don't want to. That is perfectly fine. It's YOUR choice. Nobody else has the right to make it for you.

Drew64 · 10/02/2016 17:57

I didn't read any further than "I don't want therapy"

You must get help!
You have been abused as a child and there are people out there who can help you. I'm not saying you have to like sex but I am saying to you GET SOME PROFFESSIONAL HELP!
You owe it to yourself!

Slowdecrease · 12/02/2016 11:16

I will probably get flamed but I feel desperately sorry for both of you in this relationship. Your husband is clearly massively sexually frustrated as well he might be having sex once a year. Yes he's doing the wrong thing but I can understand the temptation he has to touch you when you get into bed with him as he's obviously crying out for sex and intimacy. I feel awful for what you've been through also and like previous posters I just can't see how this can continue long term, sex is a massive part of intimacy to most couples and if you can't bear it (understandably) and your husband wants it (also understandably) then you are fundamentally unsuited. Its really quite a sad situation

Slowdecrease · 12/02/2016 11:17

I also think you need therapy although ive never had it myself and can understand why you'd be resistant to revisit the past x

PoundingTheStreets · 12/02/2016 13:24

If my partner had been sexually abused as a child and i knew how triggering being touched intimately while asleep was for her, and I then did it my own sleep, I would be sleeping in a locked bedroom and seeking medical help.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 12/02/2016 13:29

slowdecrease OMG I CAN'T EVEN - why the fuck did you post? Did you think any of that was supposed to be helpful?

Her husband has a hand, doesn't he??? Sexually frustrated my fucking ass.

Jesus, I can't even begin to deconstruct the shit you posted because it's so fundamentally stupid and damaging on so much levels. Do the OP a favour and don't post again.

PoundingTheStreets · 12/02/2016 13:43

Feeling sexually frustrated in a relationship because your partner doesn't want any/little sex is a perfectly valid reason to leave/provoke a discussion. It is not a valid reason to sexually assault your partner.

We don't allow people who aren't in relationships to sexually assault stranger because they aren't getting any. There's no difference, in fact it's worse because in the context of a relationship your partner is the one person you are supposed to care about above all others.

Slowdecrease · 12/02/2016 13:45

Really?????? Sex and more particularly the intimacy it brings is part of marriage. OP does not want sex. Her DH has a high sex drive. They both know this about each other. OP wants to stay married. Her husband is massively sexually frustrated. What's your solution ? Are you genuinely saying her husband gets to only wank off for the rest of his life and that's ok? that's literally ridiculous!!!!! How many times are stories on MN of people being denied sex from their partner and its absolutely painful to read how frustrated and rejected they are. To reiterate my post - he's doing the wrong thing. These two are fundamentally mismatched, sexually and guess what, that matters. However they love each other. What's your solution? Oh and btw I'll post what I like. Suggesting someone with a high sex drive (which is perfectly ok and natural you know) should just wank off forever instead of finding a way to intimacy or alternatively moving on altogether is frankly laughable as is your posturing.

Slowdecrease · 12/02/2016 13:45

Yeh, nobody said its ok to sexual assault your partner.

category12 · 12/02/2016 13:56

There are much better choices than sexually assaulting your wife in her sleep tho, so frankly your sympathy for him is misplaced. He could ask for an open marriage. He could leave. He could use porn. He could insist on therapy.

None of the ethical choices include abusing an unwilling/unwitting partner.

Slowdecrease · 12/02/2016 14:06

I didn't say I had sympathy I said I could understand that he would be tempted on the rare occasions his wife gets into bed with him and is physically close to him to reach for her. He had sex once a year. You're right there are lots of options but I don't think someone needs therapy for wanting sex with their partner. They are fundamentally mismatched. All my sympathy is with the OP who has suffered at the hands of her grandad and all my understanding is for them as a couple (remember OP wants to be with her DH). Under these circumstances demonising isn't in my opinion really helpful. They are married and have a life together. She loves her husband and he loves her.

Slowdecrease · 12/02/2016 14:07

I'm sorry I misread - he could insist on therapy but OP clearly doesn't want it and I underhand why.

Blueberry234 · 12/02/2016 14:22

I am in therapy for a very similar childhood history, my H would never ever ever do this to me as he knows it would overstep boundaries. Please consider therapy though I am finding it is starting to help a bit. Although it is really really hard.

NameChange30 · 12/02/2016 15:01

"I could understand that he would be tempted"

You are seeking to understand, empathise with and therefore excuse a sexual abuser.

MoominPie22 · 12/02/2016 15:34

OP, but why did u both get married if ur both so mismatched?? Ur like, opposite ends of the Sexdrive Scale! Surely u both had big issues in the Sex Dept before u got wed? I just fail to understand that tbh....
Yes obv this is abuse and is inexcusable. Esp if he knows about your abusive past and he then has his sick plans of tricking u into the bedroom by....tapping the walls?! WTF??
I'm being blunt here but, why the heck u both thought you'd have a fulfilling, happy marriage is beyond me. U mean u honestly never foresaw probs of a sexual nature at the start? And did he really think he would live like a monk and getting by with masturbation alone for the duration, aside frm The Annual Shag that has to happen when u initiate it?
He is definately in the wrong for abusing u but ur not blameless either in that u knowingly married a man with a high sex drive knowing u hate sex! I just don't get wot was goin on in both of your heads tbh.

pocketsaviour · 12/02/2016 15:37

slowdecrease
"I didn't say I had sympathy"
Yes you did. You said you felt sorry for him.
Desperately sorry, in fact.
"I feel desperately sorry for both of you"

OP I was sexually abused by my dad when I was a child and like you I found sex very difficult. I had an ex who was fully aware of my history and on the face of it said he accepted that I didn't want it, but in fact whined, sulked and pestered me for "just a handjob, go on" and on several ocassions tried the whole "Oh I grabbed your boob in my sleep, soooooo sorry" bullshit. My mental health got worse and worse throughout our whole relationship and by the time I left I was convinced I was some awful unnnatural damaged person who nobody in their right mind would want. In fact I met my lovely, kind husband who gave me all the trust and understanding I needed to be able to deal with my issues and achieve real healing.

I did access therapy but the goal wasn't "learn how to have sex like a normal person", it was "learn to love myself, learn control over flashbacks and triggers, learn how to set boundaries and keep them". Discovering a loving sex life with my H was an unexpected but welcome side effect. When you enter therapy, YOU are deciding what to work on. Sex doesn't need to be on your agenda at all. There are far more important things to work on first. I hope you do seek healing as you deserve to live your life without feeling the abuse is a shadow over it and making you not a "proper woman"

NameChange30 · 12/02/2016 16:00

Great post pocket

Slowdecrease · 12/02/2016 16:02

Rigggght. So what we are saying is that it's really quite unbelievable that a person with a high sex drive could be tempted to want to touch his wife on the rare occasions when she gets into bed with him? Be real. Of course he is going to be tempted. It's wrong for him to touch her without her consent. Of course it is. We know that. Op knows that. Her dh knows that. I DO feel desperately sorry for both of them, OP loves her husband but this is a no win relationship for either of them. Thats why it is indeed, desperately sad. You have a wonderful supportive husband pocket thats great. OP is clearly less so, but she loves him so, go on, what's your answer?

NameChange30 · 12/02/2016 16:09

I've tried being (semi) polite. I've tried not saying this. But now I think you should just fuck off Slowdecrease.

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