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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this sexual abuse?

89 replies

AmIbeingAbused · 10/02/2016 10:59

I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread so have started my own but it's due to reading the "Photographing me when Asleep" thread that this has concerned me.

My DH and I have been married 12 years, have one child.

I was molested by my grandfather from the age of 2 or 3 until about 10 so I have issues with sex. I can not bear to be kissed or touched intimately but can cope with sex if it's initiated by me and I'm in control. We have sex very rarely, probably once a year. DH knew this about me before we married.

My DH has a high sex drive and this situation is extremely frustrating for him.

We had to start sleeping in separate beds because he had begun touching me intimately when I was asleep. I would wake up but pretend to remain asleep as I was hoping he would stop and didn't want to believe it was happening. I can tell he's awake because of his breathing but when I've challenged him about it he's insisted he was asleep and can't remember doing anything.

He even did it again the other day when I'd gone to his bed for a cuddle as I felt ill.

I've told him to leave me if he can't cope with the lack of sex, that I will understand but I just do not like sex. It makes my flesh crawl. When he does this to me it reminds me of my grandfather and sickens me; it's like he becomes a different person.

He will also try to trick me into bed with him by tapping on the walls or mumbling to himself so I'll go and investigate. He has masturbated over my sleeping body before but stopped when I woke up.

I'm worried now, from the responses to the other thread, that this is abuse. I love my DH dearly and know he loves me and he is such a kind, gentle, lovely man.

Have I made him this way?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 10/02/2016 11:44

Love, you are reduced to hiding in your child's bed so this "kind, loving" husband of yours doesn't touch you Sad. What's the plan for when your child grows up?

Divorce will break up your family, yes. But you will be safe.

Lightbulbon · 10/02/2016 11:45

Masturbating over you without your consent is sexual abuse.

There is no way to justify staying in a sexually abusive relationship, sorry.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 10/02/2016 11:45

Yes he is abusing you, and I think you know that. I'm so sorry that you're continuing to have to go through this. I was abused as a child as well, and have the same issues with intimacy - I have to initiate everything, or I get freaked out. Whilst I'm sure it must be frustrating for DH sometimes, he respects what I have been through, and how my brain has adjusted to cope with it. Your husband is not respecting either your boundaries, or you as a person, if he is treating you like this.

Please leave him - you don't have to continue to be abused.

Filmstar01 · 10/02/2016 11:46

"... so he can find a proper woman..."

Oh my dear God OP, read back what you've written to yourself. You are a proper woman. You are the way you are because of your experiences. You need some real life help and support.

Original poster
AmIbeingAbused · 10/02/2016 11:46

Thanks everyone. I have a lot to think about.

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 10/02/2016 11:47

Good luck, OP. We're here if you need to vent Flowers

NameChange30 · 10/02/2016 11:50

Yes, it is sexual abuse. I'm so sorry Flowers
He is lying to you about being asleep when he does it. He's doing that in order to minimise his abuse and get away with it.

I think you need to see a therapist with experience in supporting survivors of sexual abuse. This would be to help you deal with your feelings about the abuse and decide what to do about the situation with your husband. NOT to "make" you like sex - you don't have to have sex ever again if you don't want to.

Please get some therapy.

jay55 · 10/02/2016 11:52

He's really not a good man. Pawing at the victim of child sex abuse in their sleep is utterly dreadful behaviour.

Sighing · 10/02/2016 11:53

This is abuse. You have every right to not have anyone treat you as an object for their gratification. To wake up not facing a sexualised situation. For any and all sexual activity in your presence to be mutual and respectful.

Sighing · 10/02/2016 11:55

(By mutual, i mean agreed, consensual, discussed many opposite descriptors to this furtive, secretive activity that has no reference to your feelings).

MNHQ
RebeccaMumsnet · 10/02/2016 11:58

Hi there,

We've moved this over to Relationships now.

Best wishes OP Flowers

Dammyjoder · 10/02/2016 11:58

I really think you should try therapy, no one is going to make you have sex. Being a survivor of any kind of abuse is hard to live with and you shouldnt have to face it alone, you need some support and your husband isnt helping you.

VerticalCheese · 10/02/2016 12:02

You ARE a 'proper' woman! Some women love sex, some hate it and everything in between, they are all valid people with valid emotions and feelings. Have you ever considered trying to find a man who isn't very interested in sex either? I know a few! Maybe even look at asexual dating? Asexual men and women aren't usually interested in sex itself but still want a loving and romantic relationship in all other aspects. It sounds like maybe your past has made you this way also?

A therapist would not try to 'make you like sex'. A therapist would merely let you express your feelings and come to a place where you are a little more comfortable with who you are now - someone who dislikes sex and possibly always will. It is a fine and valid thing to feel and you don't ever have to have sex again if you don't want to! That isn't weird! It's a choice you can make not to bring up painful feelings from your past and no one else has the right to weigh in on whether you should be having sex or not.

MistressDeeCee · 10/02/2016 12:22

Yes its abuse because its happening without your consent

Realistically however, you are with a man who has a sex drive whereas you only want sex once a year. You aren't compatible. You suggest he should leave you. He hasn't. So why won't you leave him? Or if thats difficult have you explored counselling - for yourself and what you've experienced I mean, not with your DH?

Maybe he can't support you through this, not everybody is able or knowledgeable enough to do that. But in the meantime you want an almost sexless marriage and he doesn't, its escalating into actions that are extremely inappropriate you' be best off out of it away from a DH whose actions make you uncomfortable, and able to explore and accept what it is you do really want. As well as hopefully have a chance of coming to terms with the abuse you've experienced in life, so you can feel better moving forwards.

Heavens2Betsy · 10/02/2016 12:28

He's not a kind gentle or good man. He's abusing you. He's no better than your Grandfather - worse in a way.
Regardless of your past which is horrific, he should be respecting your boundaries and supporting you, not dishing out more of the same shit you had to put up with as a child.
I haven't been through anything like what you have but I would leave my DP if he did any of these things. You don't have to put up with this.
x

goodnightdarthvader1 · 10/02/2016 12:29

Maybe he can't support you through this, not everybody is able or knowledgeable enough to do that.

It's nothing to do with "ability" or "knowledge". Pro tip: a good way to support someone who has been abused is NOT TO FUCKING ABUSE THEM YOURSELF! I have no training and I know this.

His actions "make her uncomfortable" because they're ABUSIVE. If he loved her, he wouldn't put his desire (NOT need, desire) for sex above the welfare of his wife.

extralemonylemoncake · 10/02/2016 12:32

With some people it can indeed be hard to tell if they are awake or asleep. My DP is a bit of sleepwalker and quite regularly does and says things he can't remember the next morning. He will suddenly start talking about random topics, anything from quite complex work related stuff to complete nonsense. He sounds perfectly normal and awake and will even respond to questions. Occasionally, he will also get up in the middle of the night, telling me there's a burglar in the house / water running down the wall from a burst pipe / that he has forgotten to feed the cat, etc. Sometimes he also touches me or tries to initiate sex. He will usually either wake up and feel a bit disorientated or go back to sleep quite quickly. I mostly find it all very funny and tease him about it the next morning, but can see it would be a VERY different story for someone who has suffered abuse.

OP, I hope you can get to the bottom of this. Flowers

extralemonylemoncake · 10/02/2016 12:38

OP, just realised I missed the bit about him masturbating over you. That is one thing I can't see him doing in his sleep. So sorry this is happening to you.

NameChange30 · 10/02/2016 12:47

goodnight
"It's nothing to do with "ability" or "knowledge". Pro tip: a good way to support someone who has been abused is NOT TO FUCKING ABUSE THEM YOURSELF! I have no training and I know this.
His actions "make her uncomfortable" because they're ABUSIVE. If he loved her, he wouldn't put his desire (NOT need, desire) for sex above the welfare of his wife."
EXACTLY. Well said!

extra I think your situation is VERY different from the OP's. Your DP is clearly a sleepwalker and does lots of different things in his sleep, not just initiating sex. The OP's husband doesn't do any of that. And he is only claiming to be asleep, he isn't actually asleep when he sexually abuses her.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 10/02/2016 12:50

Indeed, Emma. I've watched documentaries on sleep behaviours (I find it fascinating), and guys who try to have sex with their sleeping wives ALSO without fail do lots of other things in their sleep: walking, disjointed conversations, fighting, etc etc.

Dammyjoder · 10/02/2016 13:05

Maybe he can't support you through this, not everybody is able or knowledgeable enough to do that.
He could support her by not abusing her in her sleep, he is her husband and she said in her OP that he knew what she had went through when he married her, he knew she hated sex, hes taking advantage of a vulnerable woman. Yes he is as bad as your grandad maybe worse because he knows what you've already beem through. Dont put yourself through anymore abuse, you dont owe him anything.

MistressDeeCee · 10/02/2016 13:09

goodnight please dont pick out bits of my comment to make it into what you want it to be. By taking it out of context you are purposely aiming to make it sound as if I havent acknowledged the abuse by missing out where I did. You dont know anymore than me why people think as they do, in my life 2 people together, 1 couldnt support each other due to past abuse and led to a breakdown thats the shit that happens at times threads can be triggers for people in different ways.

Hope you feel better soon OP

goodnightdarthvader1 · 10/02/2016 13:30

cee I'm not aiming to do anything. Yes, you acknowledged that it was abuse in one short sentence, then went on to minimise his behaviour and make it sound like the OP was "uncomfortable" simply because the relationship doesn't suit her. When actual fact it's because she's in a relationship with an abuser. If that's not what you meant, don't blame me for your inability to communicate clearly about a situation where the OP needs clear and appropriate advice. I don't give a shit WHY he's doing it, but he knows he's doing it, and that's the important point.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 10/02/2016 13:39

OP, he's lying to you about doing it in his sleep. He's lying, and you know he's lying and he knows you know.

So, add emotional and mental abuse to the rape and sexual assault to what this "good and kind man". He's lying to keep you doubting yourself just enough to stick around and get abused some more.

He will not stop.

extralemonylemoncake · 10/02/2016 14:03

I've watched documentaries on sleep behaviours (I find it fascinating), and guys who try to have sex with their sleeping wives ALSO without fail do lots of other things in their sleep: walking, disjointed conversations, fighting, etc etc.

I saw a documentary on sleep disorders where one guy didn't do any of those other things - it was all about trying to have sex with his wife. It's a recognised condition called sexsomnia and it appears it is more common than one would expect. The wiki article even mentions people masturbating in their sleep.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_sex
www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/06/100607065547.htm

I think it was this documentary:

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